The Highly Sensitive Person

Why now the film on HSPs and relationships?

By 41 Comments

leaf200Quite spontaneously, Diana and Will Harper (the producer and director of Sensitive: the Untold Story) and Art (my research collaborator and husband) and I were sitting around a table, continuing to plan for what we had been assuming would be the next film on the highly sensitive child, when we began to express private concerns which turned out to be shared. First, Sensitive: the Untold Story had quite a bit about children. More important, the subject receiving the least attention in the film was relationships—romantic partners, friendships, close family members. Wasn’t it time to remedy that? Why?

  1. Particularly we want to help with any relationship an HSP has with someone without the trait. Sometimes such a relationship creates some unhappiness for both people, and we want to show that much of this unhappiness could be fairly easily avoided. We will also address the specific kinds of troubles two HSPs together might have, which so easily arise because of the all-too-often learned negative attitudes about sensitivity, our own as well as our partner’s.
  2. When parents are unhappy with each other, we know this greatly affects their children also, whether these are sensitive children or not. Hence by making the parents’ partnership better we have an opportunity to help their children, to help all children in families in which there is either one or two highly sensitive parents. Because distressed children grow up to be distressed and possibly distressing to others, helping these families gives us another vital way to serve the world through a better understanding of sensitivity (our not-so-secret goal).
  3. My husband, Art, happens to be one of the leading researchers on the subject of love and what makes relationships last. He told us about some now well-established facts: For anyone, not just HSPs, a satisfying relationship with one’s partner, if one has one, predicts longevity more than not being a smoker or not being obese. In addition to this huge effect on physical health, relationship quality is the single biggest predictor of overall life happiness.
  4. I have no doubt that these physical and emotional effects of relationship quality are even greater for HSPs because of their well-established “differential susceptibility.” Surely we are more distressed by bad relationships and we benefit more than others from good ones.
  5. Because of our combined experience and research, Art and I have a great deal of practical advice we can offer to HSPs and their partners. We would like to do that, now.

Go here to support us through Kickstarter.

Comments

  1. I’m really excited about this news, especially for your reason#4! I agree that relationships are a hugely important topic for HSPs because they have so much power to either support us or drain us. I think the topic is especially important because I think we HSPs often carry scars from childhood that makes it difficult to find or ask for what we need in our relationships. I know I have always struggled to find friendships in new situations (either as a child on the playground or as an adult in a new workplace), and that having even one connection dramatically affects how happy and secure I feel in that environment.

    Reply

    • I think it is so important to follow what is coming up most strongly and the topic of healthy relationships is a key component for highly sensitive people. I applaud this direction and look forward to seeing he next movie!

      Reply

    • I’m excited too, as a non hsp.
      Having been married to an hsp for nearly 50 years & not knowing this until hearing Dr. Elaine A. on probably her first San Francisco Bay Area radio interview. Dr. A was discussing the hsp … what an eye opener.
      Thank you!

      Reply

  2. I am an HSP and very grateful to learn that I am not weird or crazy. I waited anxiously to watch your first movie, hoping to share it with my husband of 35 years. Unfortunately, I found it very disappointing. I actually fell asleep while it played (alright, it was 11:30 p.m.) I was hoping for something that would validate me as a person, and I didn’t hear that message. Hopefully, this upcoming movie will address my issues. However, I do want to say THANK YOU for everyone’s dedication to this subject. I only wish I had learned more about this subject 50 years ago. I have always felt like I was swimming against the current.

    Reply

    • I cried all the way through “Sensitive.” The fact that Jennifer Weber did not is, I think, testimony to how this temperament manifests so differently in each of us. I agree — my life has already changed in the few short weeks since I learned of this, and for the first time I am excited about what the rest of my life will be with this knowledge.

      Reply

  3. Excellent!.. as much as i enjoyed “Sensitive”, I have to admit I was a tad disappointed there wasn’t more about relationship issues. I’m an HSP with a non-HSP partner and we do struggle on occasion with her not entirely “getting” my needs and mysterious ways. She has ADHD tendencies which makes things interesting for me… trying to keep up with her rapid shifts in topic and focus, sometimes to the point where I have to run away and hide in my “man cave”! 8^)
    That brings up another point that I’m guessing may not be uncommon for HSP’s… especially those like myself that find relationships later in life after children and divorce et al. We have our separate houses and lifestyles and while we very much love and enjoy each other we’ve run into something of an impasse around living together full time. Who gives up their home to move in with the other? She’s very outdoorsy with a large garden and is very social with friends and family and get togethers and constant hubbub while I’m something of a hermit. I’m self-employed… another HSP trait I believe (audio / video production, graphic design for 45 years) and work out of my home / “cave” where I have all MY support systems, and can go for days without leaving the house and putter happily in solitude. Actually it’s good that she drags me out into the world and I’ve a hugely expanded network of great new friends thanks to her… but… I fear if I were to give up my sanctuary and live full time in hers it would not be good for me, never mind us. We spend about equal nights at her place and at mine and a night or two a week separately. She does seem to enjoy the relaxed nature of my space (more secluded with my giant music collection, home theater, hot tub and sauna etc). In fact I’ve spent decades syndicating various specialty radio programs that I attempt to imbue with a more soothing HSP ambiance, and I now have a full time internet radio station that I think other HSP’s would enjoy (kaleidophonicsradio.com).
    We have had some excellent couple counseling recently with a therapist I’d originally seen many years before (that introduced me to your first book which changed my life, as I thought I was somehow unique, defective and damaged due to my sensitivity). I think she is starting to understand my quirks and appreciate my strengths much more… but yes, a film that addresses our situation of HSP with non-HSP would be most welcome!
    As ever… thanks for all you do to support and promote our under appreciated traits!.. especially here in our go go western culture.

    Reply

    • I’ve known of some couples, especially those meeting later in life, that have created a living space (whether it’s one house that has two separate sides connected by shared common space or two houses next to get other) that have found ways of living together that work best for them.

      For an HSP and non-HSP couple I would guess this could take much time and effort, to work out the ways that work best for them. Figuring out the ways to live together, creating what works in the mean time and then building the ways of living together may seem daunting but I can only imagine the amazing joy of having a combined life together, one that works for both of you individually and as a couple.

      You sound like you’re both doing pretty well.

      Both as an independent woman and an HSP, I have often wondered how I would manage with living with a partner later in life.

      Good luck to you!

      Reply

    • My advice is to keep the relationship, marry if you like, but do not live together full time. It just can’t be un-done. Rebecca

      Reply

    • Thank you for your radio station tip Alan. Have just been calmed by the last three pieces of music and hope it will help my post bullied now home ed sensitive son.
      Your knowledge of music must be immense. Good luck with your personal life – don’t know what to recommend but sounds pretty idyllic from my current perspective…cheers!

      Reply

  4. I’m glad you’re making another movie and on this topic, which I’m sure is of interest to many. I look forward to viewing it. I thought the first one was very good.
    Kevin R.
    Thanks!

    Reply

  5. Hooray!!!! I’m reading the HSP in Love now, and this is the subject I’m most hoping to learn more about. Thanks so much for making this the next film. 🙂

    Reply

  6. I’m glad this will be your next topic. There have been some good books on related topics.

    One aspect you might address is the special vulnerability of empathic HSPs to romantic partners who abuse and otherwise act out against them. I have communicated with many victims of Narcissists, Psychopaths, and the more acting-out varieties of Borderline personalities, and the damage that is done to HSPs seems especially bad. Some websites on this have noticed that this pairing tends to happen, and is especially destructive.

    Thanks,

    Stephanie

    Reply

    • Yes! Thank you Stephanie!

      An extremely valid point that needs more attention! Not only in romantic relationships but even in the young friendship relationship in the playground that can so often lead to the HSP child who wants to please and not get in trouble being left feeling battered down, fearful and trapped. At such a vulnerable stage of life and social learning this then may often lead to the pairing to the abusive romantic relationship later in teenage/young adult life because of this conditioning.

      More awareness please. It may be a bold statement but they are not all just sweet innocent children, they are individual little adults with innate traits, and personalities developing how they fit in to this world, unfortunately some are more manipulative or possess the narcissistic, passive aggressive, borderline behaviours more than others.

      I look forward to the new movie with emphasis on relationships for the HSP in a non-HSP world which will help support all ages, genders, and personality types for a better outcome.

      Reply

    • Yes, absolutely I would love to learn more on this! I’m am strongly empathetic (both HSP and HSS) and my first relationship which led to marriage, went down such a dark path because of his psychopathic tendencies taking advantage of my empathetic ones. I am fortunate now to be married to an HSP hubby, which presents its own challenges but nothing like the abuse I dealt with before. We have a highly sensitive little girl and a sensation seeking (although super empathetic) little boy! I worry about them being taken advantage in relationships when they are older. This documentary will benefit us all so much!

      Reply

  7. Thank you Dr. Aron for continuing to do “the most amount of good for the most amount of people!”.

    My simple takeaway regarding the latest research by Jadzia is that as parents of HSCs, we really need to focus on being great parents to ensure “differential susceptibility” is a strength for our offspring.

    Reply

  8. A new movie about HSP in relationships will be very important. Marriage is a big challenge due to many psychological diferences between one spouse and another. My first book (written in Portuguese from Brazil) is “Marriage: what is that?”. In it I try to explain that happy marriages depends on many issues, but one of the main is, in my point of view, the openess of each other toward personal truth. That means, that each one must be honest with him/herself to admit he/she has emotional limitation and conflcts brought into the marriage from the past, and must be willing to look for trying to find solution for such personal conflicts. That is not necessarily obvious for some people, and maybe more difficult for non-HSP, those who are coleric, authoritary, very defensive, who usually have strong difficult to admit he/she has emotional limitations (sometimes just because he/she can do good in job). Thanks the couple Aron for sharing the result of your studies to help people have a better life quality!

    Reply

  9. SO excited for this! If you haven’t already make sure you all add @SensitiveMovie on Twitter and support this new film!

    – Amy @ASensitiveLife

    Reply

  10. I’m very excited about this project. I purchased the Sensitive Movie in a pack of ten to distribute to friends and family and watched the live stream. I am an HSP and my husband is also an HSP. When we first met the experience was amazing and to this day we can not explain it in any logical way. He was on the east coast and I was on the west coast, yet, we could feel each other in the deepest sense as though we were right there with each other. I flew out to meet him so I could see if this was really real. Our first day and night together was incredible. Again, we can not explain it. The experience was so spiritual. We have been married now for almost a year. Despite the strong love and feelings we have for each other we have been on a real roller coaster emotionally. It seems we have the power to totally support and uplift each other or to totally destroy each other. We have been working through this kind of blindly. I am really looking forward to some help on how to walk this path and strengthen our relationship.

    Reply

    • @ Elizabeth Hagopian. Be weary. Your story sounds exactly like mine and the man I married. Pure and absolute bliss, almost unbeliebable. After a while (few years) he started doing things that didn’t fit with the personality he displayed. It got worse over time and, after 22 years, he abandoned the family without a word or an argument, leaving me extremely depressed with suicidal plans and 100 lbs. overweight due to the chronic stress endured for many years. Our two children had to grow in a tense environment and our daughter has been diagnosed with BPD, although I believe that what she really has is CPTSD. I’ve been trying to recover in the 4 years since: I lost all the extra weight and overcame the depression, but was diagnosed with RA, Fibro and CPTSD. My now ex has all the traits of a Bipolar/Covert Narcissist and I had to live my first 30 years with a Narcissistic mother as well, which isn’t unusual for highly sensitive people.
      Please, be very careful and have a back up plan for the future, but I hope your story has a better outcome.

      Reply

  11. This is fabulous news ~ I really like how you all embraced and recognized the signs that the best next step is to follow your heart and make a documentary about sensitivity and relationships! Such a great idea. I really look forward to contributing to and seeing your movie. Thank you so much for supporting all us HSPs out there quietly in the background trying to survive this chaotic life.

    Reply

  12. I am a HSP and this is absolutely such an important topic, thank you thank you thank you!!! I look forward to this and will be blogging about this very topic on my blog! http://www.racheleillari.com and including in my courses for the highly sensitive- or energetically attuned as I say sometimes.
    PEACE

    Reply

  14. Sounds like a great idea. Just bought the book and have begun to read it. It seems to fit for me except a couple of things. I am not shy or an introvert (ESTJ). Would love to attend professional trainings in Ohio so that I can better understand how to work with people who have this, or know it in others when I see it. Plus to learn more about myself. This is very interesting to learn about.

    Reply

    • Im an INFJ, this is great info. I don’t feel like such an OUTCAST after reading about the HSP. Thank you Elaine!!!😀

      Reply

  15. There are so many more people in the world who would be transformed with this knowledge – HSP and non-HSP alike. I realize sharing can sometimes itself create anxiety. Not everyone embraces it at first impression. My wish is for Oprah to take this up as a cause! 🙂

    Reply

  16. I just ordered the movie and feel as if happening to stumble onto Dr. Aron’s website was meant for me to read. I knew I was different,as a child. My sensitivities were not honored,but frowned upon. I had an abusive mother and had to use coping skills,which even enhanced my sensitivity. I am a snior,and recently labeled with BPD in the medical community. I had no idea what this was. I am a very sweet,gentle soul that cares deeply about others and animals and always had an inate sense when people were hurting and felt their pain as my own. I do not self harm or cut and am not manipulative. I thank God that somehow,he has kept my heart sweet and sensitive from all of the abuse I have endured. I have great empathy for those of us HSP’s that have endured such atrocities and still love. To me,that is the truest form of an empath. Much love,kindness to all,Susan

    Reply

  18. I was relieved and excited when I first discovered the work and research of Elaine Aron on the traits associated with being an HSP. I could finally put a name to what I could not understand about myself. I struggled, and am still struggling to this day to overcome the many challenges of this trait which impacts my daily life.
    I recently bought her book specifically written for therapist’s to better understand the inner workings of the HSP, to give to my current therapist. Unfortunately, she refused to read it! She told me she didn’t have the inclination to read another book of this sort, but I could feel free to discuss some of the writings in the book. I cannot express how disappointed I was at her reaction. I tried to explain why she as a therapist could benefit from this book, as well as benefitting her HSP patients.
    I have since been looking for another therapist in my area who is knowledgeable on this trait, but have had no luck.
    I would love to see a concerted effort by Elaine to somehow reach the community of therapists out there to inform them of the need to educate themselves on this trait.
    I also believe the medical community also needs to be aware of this trait to better understand and treat their patients. I wish the movie could have reached a wider audience somehow, as I believe the vast majority of practitioners out there , both mental and medical, are totally oblivious to this trait affected 20% of the population.
    And I still cannot find 1 therapist in my area who knows what I an talking about when I mention HSP.

    A sensitive in NY

    Reply

  19. Hi Susan,
    I was interested to read your comment, as I work as a therapist and did my masters on stigma toward the BPD label. I believe- if the label helps get you support and helps you understand yourself, then it is useful. If not, feel free to let the BPD label go. It is one way of understanding the world.

    I believe that many HSP\’s may be given this label, since one of the foremost thinkers in the area believes it is best understood as what results when an \”emotionally vulnerable\” individual has a childhood that is invalidating..- the negative experiences Dr Aron talks about that seem to register so highly! (Sound like a lot of people here??) Your team/doctors who are within the medical model of looking at human difficulties, may have chosen this label because you may be experiencing a hard time deal with really big distressing emotions…. the criteria for this condition doesn\’t require self harm or manipulative behaviour- although I believe many people suffering have learned self harm to cope, and that while some are at times intentionally manipulating those around them, many are simply desperate and this is read as manipulation – or those that have learned manipulative behaviour as a coping mechanism, get called \”BPD\” without necessarily having a thorough diagnosis.

    Reply

  20. \”Linehan’s Biosocial Theory
    Linehan’s biosocial theory of BPD (1993) is among the most thoroughly delineated etiological models of borderline pathology (for other models, see Fonagy, Target, & Gergely, 2000; Judd & McGlashan, 2003; Kernberg, 1967, 1975, 1976). According to Linehan, BPD is primarily a disorder of emotion dysregulation and emerges from transactions between individuals with biological vulnerabilities and specific environmental influences. The dysfunction proposed by Linehan is one of broad dysregulation across all aspects of emotional responding. As a consequence, individuals with BPD have (a) heightened emotional sensitivity, (b) inability to regulate intense emotional responses, and (c) slow return to emotional baseline. Furthermore, from Linehan’s perspective, the construct of emotion (and thus of emotion dyregulation) is very broad and includes emotion-linked cognitive process, biochemistry and physiology, facial and muscle reactions, action urges, and emotion-linked actions. Emotion dysregulation subsequently leads to dysfunctional response patterns during emotionally challenging events. Linehan suggested a number of possible biological substrates of emotional dysregulation (e.g., limbic dysfunction). However, the literature on the biology of psychological disorders was extremely limited when Linehan first articulated her theory.\” http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2696274/

    Reply

  21. Looking forward to this movie! I have been incredibly lucky to marry my soulmate and have no problems in my lovelife, but friendships are sooo hard for me. Having my husband really saves me, because making friends is so hard. Either I get bored of people too fast or I imagine the other person doesn’t really even like me and then I just kind of let the whole thing wither away. Hmm, then those friendships where we hsps get disappointed for something the person did or said or the way we were treated. And lastly our need for depth in friendships…I definitely would need some advice!

    Reply

  22. Wauw…. what an eye opener for me. I’m very glad to have found this site. You are awesome people… there’s so much to learn. Thank you very much Elaine from the heart.

    Reply

  23. Hi all,

    First of all, I just want to say THANK YOU. Elaine definitely opened my eyes to this topic, and now I clearly see that I am an HSP and I finally understand why I have always behaved a bit differently than the rest of people around me. I really appreciate all your hard work and I give all my support in your research, this is helping many people so much.

    I have a question that I really hope someone can answer… Talking about HSPs in love, I have a boyfriend since almost 6 years ago already, and I clearly know that he is the person I want to establish a life with. He´s not an HSP, but he understands my situation and both fight for our relationship to grow and become stronger, even with our clear emotional differences. Both of us work in different countries and therefore, we are living one far from the other one since 4 years until we can find the way to be together again.

    But this is not what worries me… I met a guy from work, with who I made a very nice friendship because we connected really well from the very beggining. With time, we became too close friends, and since some time ago I am pretty sure I felt in love with him. The happiness that I feel with this guy is very similar to the one that I feel with my boyfriend, but after staying several nights without sleeping thinking about that, I could not arrive to any useful conclusion for a solution, since I don´t want to broke up with my boyfriend and I cannot avoid what I feel for my friend either…

    Please, I need to know if, as an HSP, is possible to be in love with two different persons. This is killing me, and I feel like I’m a really terrible person right now. I don´t know if this topic is going to be touched in the film, because maybe it is a special case (even if I really hope is not), that´s why I´m asking for help here.

    Thank you one more time for all what you have done and all that you will do for us. I love every single word from this website.

    Reply

  24. Hi I have just found out I’m a HSP it makes so much sense. We found out 5years ago that my husband has Asperger this also makes so much sense. I can see that we share some similarities with sensory overload and exhaustion with too much socialising but for different reasons. We are at extreme ends of the empathy continuum. When we met I now realise that I was his ‘special interest’, his main focus, he read poetry to me. I believed he was similar to me, until about 3 months after our wedding when his Asperger traits appeared in force! I stopped being his special interest . We are still together after 42 years battered and bruised but always learning and yes in love. It hasn’t been dull! Finding out about HSP has helped both of us. I wonder if it is common for an HSP to marry someone with Asperger. One more question what is the most common type for an HSP on the enneagram and Meyres Briggs personality test . I have ordered Elaines book and eagerly waiting for its arrival.

    Reply

    • I’m an HSP with an Asperger’s husband….I was his ‘special interest’ for about two years. We also share a dislike of large social occasions, and need a lot of ‘downtime’. He lacks emotional reciprocity which causes me problems, but we’re still together after 15 years.

      Reply

  25. I am a non-HSP and working to have a relationship with a HSP who I love dearly. Are there any…any resources for people in my position? Non HSP support groups? Books, websites? there is so much information for HSP’s. But all the little tricks, methods, compromises that Non-HSP/HSP couples make to be happy cannot be found anywhere. Help? Ideas and Suggestions are most welcome.

    Armando

    Reply

  26. Hi, I found out I’m an HSP after reading your excellent book several years ago – such an eye-opener! So glad to learn there are other sensitive souls out there like myself. My mother was Narcissistic, so I had a difficult childhood. My husband has Asperger’s, which in many ways makes sense (I’m highly empathic), but again has given me many challenges! I’m happy to live a quiet life now, enjoying my HSP interests which include art, music, and pets.

    Reply

Share Your Comments & Feedback:

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. All comments are moderated before posting, so please be patient.

The purpose of these comments is to share your experiences and support each other as HSPs. Elaine is busy these days with her research and writing, and usually doesn’t have time to reply, but she invites and appreciates all of your thoughts, feedback, support, and conversation.

If you disagree, please be respectful. Avoid harsh language or negative assumptions about motivations or character. Focus on facts, ideas and - most of all - compassion.

If you have other correspondence, please use the links under the "How to Reach Us" tab.

 

Some HTML tags allowed: <strong>, <em>, <del>, etc.