Have you ever felt invisible as an HSP? Of course you have. You are.
I have sometimes said that high sensitivity affects all aspects of life, social and otherwise, as much as one’s gender affects one’s life, but gender is visible and sensitivity is invisible. Other examples of fairly permanent characteristics that are largely invisible are high I.Q., being wealthy, being color blind, or having a prosthetic limb or breast reconstruction. These can give the people possessing the invisible characteristic the feeling that they carry a secret that eventually must be disclosed to intimates, but when? And what about the reaction?
Of course now and then we who are highly sensitive ourselves can tell when someone else is. However, people who are not highly sensitive have often asked me, “So how do I know if someone is highly sensitive?” They are finding us to be invisible.
I find that difficult to answer, since we really are not visible in the ordinary sense; but I try because I guess I do not want us to be so totally invisible any longer, at least to those who are interested in finding us. So I say that as you get to know someone better and better, the signs are clear. Highly sensitive people are typically good listeners, need more down time, are bothered by noisy or crowded places, may want to do novel things all day (they can be high sensation seekers) but then want to go rest in the evening, notice things that others miss, cry easily, are upset more than others by injustices, feel more joy and compassion, are conscientious and loyal, fussy too, tolerate caffeine poorly, feel pain more, are slow to make decisions, and see the larger consequences of plans and actions. None of this can be seen right on the surface, but it does not take long to find these qualities if you are looking.
Often, at least in the past, we have preferred to be invisible. Many parents have asked me if they should tell their highly sensitive child or his or her teachers or relatives that this child is highly sensitive. Others ask me if they should tell the person they are dating or even engaged to about their trait. Some people have read The Highly Sensitive Person with a brown paper bag book cover so that no one would know. Clearly we have felt we needed to be invisible.
Our invisibility may have some good evolutionary reasons. If highly sensitive animals, including humans, were always the ones to spot the good stuff, such as the most nutritious food, our going off to enjoy our cache required that we be invisible in the sense that the others did not notice us leaving. A mating strategy for sensitive males in some species is to mate with the choicest female while the other males are off fighting or recovering from fighting. That works better if the tough guys have hardly noticed you. Sensitive animals may generally feed in more hidden places, yielding the best dining spots to the pushy ones in order to avoid a fight and possible injury. However, during a food shortage these sensitive animals are the only ones who know the hidden spots where food can still be found. At those times it’s best to be invisible as you sneak off to eat.
Or there’s my favorite. We often know shortcuts to get around traffic jams, but those are not short cuts if everyone knows them. If your car had a red flag on it, signaling HSP Driver, you would have every car following you as soon as you made a turn off the main highway. In short, if all HSPs were taller, shorter, fatter, thinner, or had redder hair than others—or had any other sign of our trait—it would be less of an advantage.
Now, however, using all sorts of media, including the film under production that is appropriately titled Sensitive: The Untold Story, and in our day-to-day lives as well, we HSPs are choosing to tell the non-sensitive 80% of the world’s population that we exist, so that they actually can now follow our lead to the better things in life that we have noticed and they have not so far. The problem is that they cannot find us unless we continue telling them that we exist and who we are. We still have the choice, however, as to when and where to say we are highly sensitive and what good stuff we will tell about, and what we will keep our little secret!
All of those are good points. I have noticed observing a feral cat colony for years that certain cats use the strategies described above and a few males always were adverse to fighting, preferring to mind the kittens, attempting to care for injured cats and cuddle the females who were not in heat. When it came time to mate, often especially befriended females would choose their peaceful affectionate nurturing friend over others.
Of course as a highly social species we’d also have other reasons for choosing visibility and invisibility. It’s the line between two conflicting desires, that of being understood and the fear of being misunderstood after we have revealed all, and thus opening ourselves to rejection and ridicule. This is always the risk one chooses with vulnerability; is the risk worth the gain. In each circumstance we must decide anew. For myself in most situations, the answer is most assuredly yes, but not quite in all. I have gained so much choosing to be more visible. Both sides of this are of course felt quite intensely for us all as HSP.
Highly sensitive people must be secretive about their nature, especially when they are young. They are subjected to bullying when other children find that their feelings are easily hurt. I think this is the major reason for their withdrawal from other people. The secrecy trait tends to extend even into adulthood and old age (which I am now entering).
I enjoyed your book.
Jean
Reading this, I kept going “OMG… This is so me!” I have always felt invisible – I still do. I don’t hide that I’m an HSP most of the time, but the few times that I’ve told people (not everyone) it tends to get used against me so I have started hiding it more and more. It really depends on the situation. It’s just tricky for me, because my roommates this year don’t understand and tell me I’m being too sensitive, and that I’m hiding and making excuses. :/ so I feel more and more lately I don’t tell people and I do feel invisible.
Dear Elaine,
what a great and interesting article – I enjoyed reading it :-)
In a German online paper (The Mirror, Der Spiegel) there has been an article about High Sensitivity as well – it was indeed very superficial – probably because that also the other 80% can understand what the basics High-Sensitivity are…
The more interesting part on that article have been the discussions of the readers below.
In one comment it has been said that HSPs can read people as you would read books ;-) This is a great picture in my opinion – we are reading people, how do they behave, how do they feel, and so on… Another reader – a non HSP said then, oh my god, if this is real, I am afraid of you. Somebody reading my thoughts and personality?!?
At this point in time I had to laugh. Fortunately another reader pointed out that an HSP would never took any advantage out of this knowledge – HSPs would rather help if they see that the other person needs help or support. So the world is again in good shape ;-)
I just would have added this nice little story from this week.
Elaine, take care and thanks again for all your work. Probably we will meet each other in Duebbekold, Germany – I have registered myself for next year :-)
All the best,
Julia
Hi Julia,
I have been living in Germany for 3 years now, and I’m also an HSP one myself. Your mention about Der Spiegel is interested me. May I ask if which issue of it that was advertised? I’m very interested in reading it in German and how Spiegel magazine would talk about us :)
Regards,
Pat
As a HSP and parent to a now 12 year old HSP (and also now having reflected and recognised that the trait strongly exists In my my own family of origin and was not understood in the formative years (it was seen as a weakness, ridiculed and quashed) with debilitating effect for other members, I believe there is a strong link between how ’emotion’ Is handled in the family of origin and mental wellbeing in later life. It is vital for these HSP children (who often need help processing their emotions) to be identified as early as possible so we as parents or significant others – teachers, etc can teach resilience and provide that extra scaffolding before the pre teen years hit when peer pressure and self esteem issues may make these children extremely vulnerable if they do not understand their nature and focus on their gifts. It’s easential to validate and guide. So many challenges for HSP’s when the trait is misunderstood but so many benefits, richness and a sense of empowerment for these children when they understand their gifts. I am very vocal now about myself and my daughter and proudly fly the flag. We are the new ‘cool’ I tell her. With good results though it is a particular style of parenting that is required and relies on the parent’s respect, understanding and acceptance of the trait in their chd and maybe even in themselves. It is a day to day dynamic style of parenting as HSP’s learn to process the outside world in a way that does not stifle the beauty of their inner natures. Thank you Elaine for helping bring this trait ‘out of the closet’. Your research has changed my family’s life.
Dear Maeve, what you have expressed is extremely helpful to me as the grandmother of an HSP grandson (and HSP myself). I have been trying to support appropriate parenting for him, as well as provide helpful guidance and insights myself. Your sense of conviction is very empowering for me, as I have often wondered whether or not special handling of emotional development in HSP children is justified and felt unsure of myself in my role. This has probably been because by invalidation of my trait in my own upbringing. The way you have expressed your thoughts is so clear and so wise, thank you very much because I feel we will all benefit from it in our family.
Do you discuss being invisible more in your book or the movie? I want to dig deeper in this topic. I am an artist and I find my tendency to be invisible debilitating to advancing my career.
Caroline,
I too am an HSP artist and I know exactly what you are talking about, I have the same issue.
Hi Elaine, I appreciate what you are doing to promote understanding of sensitivity. It is important and helpful. I am looking forward to the movie. However for an individual HSP, it is my experience that it is often not helpful to discuss sensiitivity with non HSPs. Less considerate non HSPs can find the idea of high sensitivity difficult to appreciate and respond negatively e.g think it is just making an excuse for weakness, asking for special treatment, suggesting they are not sensitive etc. Therefore I will advise my sensitive children to be careful about discussing their trait with others.
In the case of people with highly judgemental or cruel tendencies, I have found my sensitivity is picked up quickly (not invisible…. Even difficult to hide) and I can then become a target of gossip or bullying behaviour…. which of course affects me more severely than it might others .
You describe the lack of understanding of others well. I used to “wear my heart on my sleeve” I didn’t realize they weren’t like me. I got burned in return many times. I now actively seek invisibility to hide from the judgements, be-littling and bullying. This is not good of course but I’m stuck.
Hi Kate
I’ve been reading this blog with interest and find it very sad that you live in fear of retort, bullying from speaking up and speaking out. Being sensitive is not a weakness and more fool those who believe this. Sensitivity is about who you are and what you do, what you see and what you feel. You don’t need to begin a conversation with I am a HSP unless that’s what you want to. What I believe is happening here is Elaine Aron, Barbara Allen and many more of us HSPs are breaking the mould. In fairness without Dr Aron, Ted Zeff, Barbara Allen, I wouldn’t be on this forum understanding who I am and understanding those other HSPs within my family. We are popping out of the shadows giving an informed opinion on our world and surroundings and popping back in to the shadows when it overwhelms us. But don’t be afraid of your trait, show the wonders of who you are allow your children to own it. I personally felt or perhaps behaved like a victim of my circumstances having never understood what was going on with me for many years . The childhood memories weighing down on me shaping my adulthood. Now that I have this information I can choose what I do with it just like you everyone else on this forum. With regards children, I have had much with my son and I chose to stand up for him, by educating. I bought the books and gifted them to the teachers. I asked them to take the time to read them and then I wrote an article which the school published in a bid for them to acknowledge everyone including the sensitive child. By doing this the teachers spotted the trait in other children, in their children. They understand my child’s traits and together with his input we have put measures in place when/if the environment overwhelms him. He in turn pursues his own path, he is 10. He removes himself from situations, plays an instrument in break time if the games become boisterous or the rules are broken. We have given him the power to speak out. We armed him with the tools to be comfortable within himself while still functioning within an overwhelming environment. He doesn’t always understand his peers and they don’t always understand him; his unwavering sense of injustice; his fear of criticism; his wish to do things once and do it right. His peers are drawn to him and he is a very good friend. Most importantly we all communicate; no subject too small and no subject too big. All of these are admirable traits. Do I sometimes wish I could just make a decision, yes absolutely but, that’s not who I am. Do I wish the world was geared more around us, absolutely. Don’t be afraid of who you are be proud. Remember there are 1.4 Billion of us, you are not alone.
Very well said Nicola and it’s good to hear examples of how schools are accommodating HSCs’ needs – if only more schools would take notice :)
This is truly the dawn of a new era for us!
I never would’ve imagined a day when we not only started to understand “this thing” better, thus allowing us to understand ourselves and our Highly Sensitive Children better, but also developed such passion when it came to spreading awareness. This movement seemed to have started so suddenly and has taken off so fast, I am amazed! It is one of the most beautiful and powerful things I have ever witnessed, and I consider myself lucky to be part of it.
Thank you Dr. Aron for making all of this possible!
It still amazes me to read about being an HSP even though I’ve known this for years. I’ve always tried to fit into the non HSP world, but of course that hasn’t worked out very well for me. I’m actually quite proud of the fact that I am extra sensitive….and that I know certain secrets as is stated in the above article. Invisibility has worked for me at times, but there are times when I would like to be heard.
My only wish is to find a way to earn an income without over stressing myself, and absorbing distorted energies.
I feel we are a special group and am happy to be a part of it!
Love, Light and Blessings!
Margie
I can relate to every word of this post. It sometimes frustrates me when I point things out to others only to be disregarded. I have learned nevertheless to not take it personally as the truth eventually always surfaces on its own.
I am very familiar with, as you say, pointing things out to others only to be disregarded. I think the major reason for this is that HSPs often think things through in greater depth and our insights are a synthesis of a lot of thoughts and threads that we pull together. We tend to investigate things in more detail, and that process is not familiar to most people, and complex enough to be difficult for us to recreate instantly in conversation. It is also nearly impossible to summarize in a way that has the same meaning to them. I’m not saying arcane, exactly, but it is a lot easier to convey our conclusions than the depth and certainty we have gained through close examination. Without that depth and certainty, those conclusions lack much of the force and significance we see in them.
Thankyou for your insight. I really enjoyed seeing it put into words this way. There are a lot of truths (like this) that I seem to inherently know, but haven’t been able to communicate to anybody about it.
Thanks, Emily. You might take a look at some of the Yahoo groups about HSPs for more discussion.. HSPbook is the largest but seems to be difficult to get onto for some reason. There have been some good posts on HSs talk spirituality lately..
That Yahoo group should be “HSPs Talk Spirituality”.
This was also extremely helpful to me. I have always had difficulty in conversation with ‘going to deep’ and getting frustrated because discussion stays at , to me, such a superficial level. At the same time I could see that I was baffling and sometimes unsettling people with my offerings. Finding out about HSP recently has helped me so much and your succinct explanation of the difference between HSP and non-HSP processing of information has clarified this aspect completely. Thankyou!
Totally agree with your comment. I now somehow learn to start to stop explaining myself, as most of the people seem to have no clue who I really am or what I am talking about lol.
Your comment really strikes a chord with me; I have such vivid childhood memories of being told by people (bluntly when they were my own age, with varying levels of attempted tact by elders) “what? Sorry, I stopped listening a long time ago.” Even when I was trying my hardest to properly answer something they had asked of me! Even “simple” questions required (for me) a LOT of analysis and consideration! Frustrating, exhausting, discouraging. I stopped watching movies so that if someone asked me “how was it?” Or “what was it about?” I could honestly avoid attempting to answer. I have gotten a bit better at gauging the depth of response people usually want, and distilling my answer appropriately, but it’s such an intensive process which isn’t appreciated by others, so it’s a big factor in me limiting my interactions.
I appreciated your article and found it helpful as I try to get more and more healthy and constructive in how I interact with the world.
I woke up thinking about octopus today and how they are such gleaming examples of a highly sensitive creature that I can learn from and take inspiration. I love their adeptness, awareness, intelligence, innovative strategies and their ability to survive without armor or a skeleton. I ran across this nice Scientific American article.
http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/octopus-chronicles/2013/10/31/happy-octopus-day-the-8-best-octopus-discoveries/
Thank you for all that you do.
Kristi
Elaine, you have really changed my life! Understanding who I am after years of confusion is so empowering! Thank you so much for your life’s work!!! :)
Regarding invisibility, there is so much truth in both your article and in the various thoughts people have shared. When I was young I had an innate ability to make myself invisible. I sensed that this was necessary in order to avoid ridicule, embarrassment, scrutiny, being put on the spot, all possible paths toward becoming the centre of attention. I am still not comfortable with being front & centre, but have learned to handle such things as embarrassment with a sense of humor. Concerning sharing who I am as an HSP, it is quite tricky. Even people who are empathetic and kind-hearted do not seem to comprehend what I am describing. I get ‘the eyes’ that say, ‘oh, you poor thing. It doesn’t have to be this way. Let me help you. I know the way.’ They don’t seem to follow that I am offering them information, not seeking out their psychological wisdom. Anyway, . . . as an adult now informed about my behaviour, thanks to Dr. Elaine Aron, I absolutely love and fully appreciate my capacity for invisibility. I use it to preserve myself in a world that is moving way too fast for me. I use it to gain as much down time as I can, even while simply walking into my place of work (I know all the least-trafficked routes!). And, I have discovered through a tracker/naturalist training course I am taking that my HSP characteristics have a really solid purpose in the world of nature. If I had been born a North American native a couple hundred years ago, I would have been a native scout. These people lived for extended periods alone deeply connected to the natural world, having learned the natural world and all it has to offer in order to help their community find food, good places to set up camp, trees nearby that would allow for the making of tools, plants for medicinal purposes. They could really read the natural world — everything about it. And, they kept an eye out for natural dangers and human enemies. They were the community’s source for sustenance and first line of defense. It is my goal to nurture my invisibility. It is a really wonderful gift that can serve beyond myself.
Thank you, again, Elaine.
White-tails & Cottontails, Suzanne :)
I was thinking after entering my previous comment . . . being HSP has defined my whole life. Before having understanding, as so many other HSPs, I would try to exist in the world like everybody else. Doing so, I was constantly overwhelmed and consequently debilitated. Especially, my ability to function socially, to engage in conversation or represent my thoughts vocally would completely shut down. I saw myself as having a very real, but invisible disability. I found myself envying people with disabilities that were visible. “At least then . . .” Now with the understanding Elaine has given, though I still often slip into old patterns of thinking, I no longer look at being HSP in this way. Gradually I am shifting my life so that it becomes my strongest asset. – Suzanne
This is very interesting! I have not actually always been like this- I have developed these traits as a result of an endocrine disorder. Of course, I don’t think everyone who is very sensitive has a disorder, but I think having been much less sensitive (maybe still a sensitive person, but not so much so) and then had this trait suddenly overwhelm me gives me an interesting perspective.
I wonder whether besides the fMRI work any research has been done on sensitivity and the HPA axis or cortisol levels specifically. It was when my body stopped producing enough cortisol that I started having a lot of difficulty coping with sensory input, especially in social situations.
Just a thought :-)
Hi Elaine,
Here is yet another thank you for you and your life’s work. I cannot count the labels pinned to me in an attempt to ‘find out what is wrong’:
– Not being able to hold your screaming baby and no support network – Doctors label is Post Natal Depression.
– Happy days followed by burnout, followed by happy days . . . oh yes, I must be bipolar! (extrovert HSP)
– Parents who bully you into ‘normal’ tasks and take your attitude to mean you are a rebel.
To be suffocated by the world around you and your own body makes life a constant battle. Your book helps me to understand so much more. My Mother and maternal Grandmother are the same, as are many of my siblings. My daughter and son are also HSP. Unfortunately when my daughter makes a mistake at school she will hide under the table, hide from the world. She has very few friends, they do not understand her emotions. If I mention HSP to the school I receive a parade of eyes rolling. She feels so much. I just hope, that with what I know now, I can change her life for the future. Her art work is an outlet, and at six years old she has created some wonderful pieces of work already.
Thank you,
Anna Barton
This is yet another article and website that has helped me understand who I am and that I am not alone. Loneliness has clung to me and permeated my being since I can remember. I have never felt like I belonged, fit in, or could relate to my fellow colleagues around me. Never forming those lasting friendships, I always held back, ashamed that I was different. It is a struggle to try and put words to how I feel every day, overwhelmed by nearly everything. I am an overachiever, constantly overwhelmed by my job and it’s responsibilities, I feel the need to succeed in everything I do. I want everyone to like me but I feel like I make myself invisible. The end of my work day nearly destroys me unless I can immediately retreat when I get home and reengerize. Scary movies nearly cripple me and violent or extremely sad movies make such a big impact on my emotions. Gosh, I think everything makes a big impact in my emotions…
Thank you for providing resources and more info about HSP. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Thank you:) I can so relate to what you wrote here. I am feeling so hopeful tonight about what I experience every day…I had no idea there was a name or characteristics of a ‘classic HSP’… I took a long walk tonight in the warm air and felt for the very first time that I may be able to do this, to grow finally by coping with who I truly am — a sensitive being who had felt so misfit for so long. I am jaw dropped at the mirroring I’m seeing in the HSP book. I am relieved. I am freaked out. I am hopeful…I had no idea I wasn’t simply “screwed up”. There is so much that affects me so deeply. And it can feel debilitating (even though I keep going through it). Your description above fits my being well. Thank you, it’s nice to meet you:)
Me too – I have avoided the news and violent movies for many years now, they just make me feel so bad unnecessarily lol. But it was only more recently that I realised that any emotionally charged movie affects me significantly – maybe for a day or so I don’t feel myself. I no longer go to movie theatres very often, because the visual and aural stimulation is just too much for me – and if I do go I always listen with earplugs in, which makes the volume just right! Anyway, I just wanted to say that I have found Hayao Miyazaki’s movies always uplifting and comforting to watch – there is just something about them that sets them apart from any other kind of movie: Nausicaa, Laputa, Kiki’s delivery service, Totoro, Spirited Away, Howl’s Moving Castle, Princess Mononoke, Porco Rosso, Ponyo, The Wind Rises :) On a separate note, I identify so much as HSP – over the years of healing from depression/anxiety, I have identified with many terms (which have all helped me understand myself in different ways) like indigo, crystal children, energy healer, earth angel, depression, over-thinker, bipolar, poetic, spiritual, creative, clairsentient, intuitive, wayshower, lightworker, introspective – I guess these are all slightly different ways of describing essentially the same thing :) Reading about HSP has helped me understand my own temperament, and define what are traits I can work with, as opposed to symptoms of mental illness.
Hi Elaine, I just read the article on Alternet that you did with Lynn Parramore. I am womdering if you have controlled for trauma in your work? As a psychotherapist, I am aware of how many of the symptoms you associate with HSPs are also the product of trauma, which can start in utero, or even be inherited from a parent. It is also phyisologically based. Could it be the origin of HSP in the first place? Well done on your work though, as it is a difficult thing to cope with, whatever the origin!
Interesting questions, Therese. I am curious as to how trauma might be inherited from a parent and how trauma in utero is identified.
12-26-14 11:00 am. Day after Christmas. I was having breakfast with my husband and adult daughter.
I happened to mention how I felt invisible at times, like a Ninja. Somehow, I was misunderstood. In my daughter’s attempts to be supportive, she made a conciliatory statement to me. In my perception, it was not on point to what I meant by “invisible.” In my frustration, I said, “You don’t get it.” It went downhill from there.
I am well aware of how difficult it is for HSP’s to communicate their feelings, intentions, thought processes, so that non-HSP’s comprehend. Thank you, Dr. Aron, for the timeliness of this blog. I am sharing it with my daughter. I have faith that the documentary will “open doors” that have previously been closed.
I am grateful, Dr. Aron, for your perseverance in raising awareness, and acceptance, of the HSP……..Even extending to our own self-acceptance and worthiness.
I learned quickly throughout childhood how to make myself as unnoticeable as possible. I was often the target of bullying, and in my teenage years had only a few friends, but those friends were very close and trusted. Standing out in any way led to physical reactions I couldn’t control (blushing, voice cracking, etc.) and over time I simply learned to avoid loud and hectic social situations altogether. I also learned to stop telling family members whenever something truly bothers me (not wanting to go out to eat at a restaurant that is known for it’s blaring music as an example) only to be told “You’re too sensitive! Come on, you’ll have fun!” I’ve always thought I was an antisocial hermit with a mental disorder, but now after reading your wonderful book, I now understand what I’ve been living with my entire life. The downside to always trying to be invisible is that I have been called timid, shy, too quiet, not “out there enough”… but it allows me my personal downtime, and I try to no longer take those comments personally.
Thank you and I look forward to future posts!
I enjoyed your post, but I do disagree with the statement that gender is obvious. The biological sex of someone is obvious, but their gender, is not always obvious.
Dear Elaine, I see in your article several aspects of invisibility. This is very interesting and it surprised me. I like to be invisible, because then I have peace. I’m quiet and I get dressed discreetly (no jewelry – it itches, no high heels – it hurts, no heavy perfume or significant makeup) and I don’t like when someone remembers me. This is the first aspect. When I communicate with someone, I assimilate his temper, his interests. I do not show me much, but I’m rather mirroring the other. Is it friendliness, hypocrisy, fear to show myself or another aspect of my invisibility? The last aspect is a blind spot for my non-HS friends. They can not imagine why is someone exhausted of one-hour phone call or why someone wants to go home after a three-hour meeting and be alone. How to explain this invisibility? Thank you so much for your work, Elaine. It helps me to understand myself and others.
I just recently discovered your work (via facebook of all places) and was astounded that I had not heard of it before. It explains so much about myself. As a middle aged male raised by a divorced lonely & resentful mother with 2 brothers I always thought I was different due to inherent weakness, which caused tremendous pain & difficulties. Much of which was compounded by early drug & alcohol abuse (70’s surf culture was much different than it is today). I have spent my entire life struggling with issues that you have described in your book. I can tell you it is extremely difficult for a HSP boy to become a man in this culture without suffering in all areas of life, especially coming from a turbulent childhood extending back to infancy. I suspect many suicides involve these issues – they are very difficult to overcome – even with therapy. I cannot believe that I never heard of HSP before now.
Kevin your comments could not be more right. I just lost my 17 year old only child on Jan 10th 2015. (creative extrovert, used her singing and writing as outlets) She was diagnosed with depression and suicidal ideologies and I had her in talk therapy and on medication. She was hospitalized 2 times before the last and I was doing everything in my power to try and help her. Someone made a comment on her facebook about HSP which caused me to look this up. I have ordered the books but from what I have read so far on the subject both her and I are most likely HSP. In my daughters case I am remembering many conversations we had that I did not have the parenting tools to handle in dealing with a HSP even though I am most likely one. That is due to the way I was raised of course. I had no idea of any of this but strongly feel that if her many doctors had even suggested this the outcome would have been different. I am feeling like we were treating the side effects of a trait that was being squashed unintentionally. I really think this needs to be more known so another parent doesn’t have to live with this tragedy.
I am so sorry Jillian. So very sorry. I was hospitalized as a teenager after a nervous breakdown and was misdiagnosed as schiztsophrenic (sp?) because mainstream mental health professionals did not know about HSP at the time (early ’80s). I suspect that is still true today. Looking back I now recognize that many of the other teenagers I was hospitalized with likely were also HSP – especially many of the girls suffering from low esteem. Girls and women are judged so harshly on appearances and wrap up their self worth in that judgement in our society. This has to affect those with HSP more severely. I also think that recreational drugs also affect HSPs differently and probably more strongly. I eventually pulled my head together and eventually went to college and graduated wit a masters degree in Earth science (chosen subconciously I think to make rational sense odf this world and to keep me grounded, no pun intended). It was a long hard struggle made possible by meeting good people along the way. But I digress. My point is that HSP may present wonderful gifts, but the dark side of not understanding it can have very real and very painful consequences – sometimes tragic ones. The mental health community must be educated accordingly.
I am glad you pulled through and were able to find that path that is fulfilling to you.
I think early detection might be the key to helping children not develop other problems from being misunderstood. When she first was diagnosed with depression and anxiety , right away they wanted to medicate her. When in reality what could have been a better help would have been the doctors explaining HSP and teaching us all how to help her out in the world. The medication most likely made it harder to harness her trait to her benefit.
Yes, I think you are correct. Early recognition of the trait would help a lot of kids. Unfortunately most people are unaware and many do not accept it once they become aware. Hopefully that will change.
I found out about the existence of the category of highly sensitive persons today. I am myself a high functioning autistic person with lots of sensitivity issues. But the HSP test pretty much covers them all. I feel invisible most of the time due to my sensitivity and also high IQ….this blog helped me make sense of my invisibility and depth. I am grateful for that!
Pia
I’ve just discovered this site and am glad to finally have a name to put with what I have been experiencing my entire life. I have always been secretive about myself and find that revealing things about myself that others may not consider ‘revealing’ a big deal to me.
Though I find this site and comments very helpful and encouraging, it is also overwhelming and I must spend short amounts of time on here.
(I also never contribute to comment sections on anything, but feel the need or okay, with commenting here)
Reading these posts, there is a common thread. Hi. I’m Justin and I’m an HSP. I’ve been so all my life and, like most of you, I have been laughed at, ridiculed, put down, and ignored. Our truths are too exacting, too deep, and too piercing for the average person. It’s not their fault. They were born with what they were born with. They cannot help it that they are dense, like posts just like we cannot help it that we are open to the whole wide world. I carried a lot of anger around for a long time. I am finding peace in accepting myself. The way I have practiced self-acceptance is to seek a line of work that suits me. I was a teacher for 10 years and most of it was very hard. Being in a room full of teenagers all day trying to teach them a foreign language was not the right career choice for me. I realized I was suffering needlessly with all the noise, lack of caring on their part, lack of work, and all the other garbage that goes along with public school teaching in the 21st century. Now, I am working on shaping my life towards working 3-4 days per week. I don’t need a lot of money to live. My wife makes a lot of money, which is great for both of us. Pursuing the outdated ideal of constantly having to have more, more, more and to be more, more, more has exhausted me. I am ready for quiet, meaningful, purposeful work. I want to be my own boss. I don’t need a supervisor. I need to be left alone to pursue my work goals and then to see my wife in the evenings. I tried my hand at business and only made $15,000 in one year doing translations. If I could make $30,000, that would be plenty. Just enough to add something to our income. I am going to work on that and transition from my full-time office job to that line of work. I can be loving and gentle with myself. That is what I am learning – to do what I want and not what others expect of me or to be like the world thinks I should be. The model for masculinity in the USA is broken. HSP males have a right to create the life they want – not to live forever doing backflips of their personality to make other people feel comfortable.
Hi Justin. Your last sentence was what caused me to reply. I will adopt that in my litany of self-affirmations. I don’t do small talk. But most people do (maybe that is the 80% speaking). I find that people are not used to engaging in compound, run-on dialogue. I am forced to repeat, or “dumb it down” (which I resent doing, as it takes longer for me to get my thoughts across to the listener). Judging by people’s facial expressions and cues of impatience, I tell them that my story has a beginning, middle, and an end. That is the way I am wired to speak. In fact, if I am interrupted midway, I have to go back to the beginning, and start over. I have discovered that I am an HSP as of December 2011. I have read a lot, mainly due to Dr. Elaine Aron’s publications and blogs, etc. I learned an important tip from a fellow HSP’s writings. When you are trying to explain what HSP means to family, friends, or whomever, consider if they have Earned the Privilege of hearing this precious, personal, sensitive, revelation of yourself. My family still does not get it, nor have they made overt actions to try and comprehend on an empathetic level. I think that is the reservation of the 80%; they will shy away, or abandon, that which makes them feel uncomfortable. It is a disadvantage to them, for they know not what glorious blessings HSP’s can offer. The journey continues. . . . .
Hello, I’m Allie and I have recently found out that I am an HSP from a Huffington Post article that led me to this website. When I first read the article, I actually cried, partly because I related to it so much (especially the part about crying easily) but partly because I felt like I had a mental disorder. I always knew that there was something off with me mentally, because I noticed that my reactions to certain situations were stronger than those around me, and I take offense easily to comments, but I never expected it to be something with “sensitive” in the title. I actually didn’t want to be diagnosed as anything at all, especially as a sensitive person because then I just felt like I was filling my gender role as a woman/girl (by the way, I’m 17) to be more sensitive. Anyways, I actually kind of prided myself with not having any sort of disorder. I guess that could be pretty offensive to others who are highly sensitive, but I just didn’t want to have something, by the books, wrong with me. It was just so weird at first to have almost every part of “me” and who I was to be displayed in an article. And then I find that I share these exact traits with many others. As a teenager in this age, another point proving that you are not unique when as a child you were told you were unique is always slightly devastating. However, I have come to accept it and embrace it. This is who I am, and right now it may feel like this is all I am, but I’m sure there’s more to me than HSP traits, it’s just the being an HSP highly affects the person I am.
Now obviously I have been struggling with the subject of this article- who do I tell? I shared the original article with my best friend, with the caption “Omg I think this is me I hope it’s not me well maybe not maybe it’s not me maybe I just think it’s me because I want to relate to it okay it’s not me but thanks for reading anyways” and she said,” no Allie, this is definitely you, but it’s okay, I love you for you.” We talked about how this coincided with some of my major personality flaws that we have been trying to work on before I become an adult and go to college, and then this brings up college.
Do I tell my roommate? Do I warn my new college friends and the people visiting my room? What if my roommate has a clock that ticks or she’s a science major and has those science balls that constantly clack back and forth and that will drive me to the point of insanity? Since we’ll probably be studying and sleeping together, I feel like this is something I’ll have to tell my roommate, but what if she thinks it’s just an excuse? This is the reason I’m afraid to tell anyone else, really, because what if I tell them,” oh, I’m an HSP, that’s why I do that.” And they say,” oh, that’s just an excuse so you can go on doing that.” I imagine a scenario where my new college friends and I are at out dining hall and like always, I take forever choosing what I want to eat because I can’t make decisions. I’ve already told them I’m a highly sensitive person and I bring it up to explain why I am probably taking forever to choose what I want to eat. Then what if they just make fun of me for it? A light fun, but it still hurts, because it proves they don’t understand. I mean, how easy is it going to be to find people that understand HSPs, and don’t think it’s an excuse to act a certain way? Should I really tell them? I live now with most of my friends not knowing about my HSP traits. Of course, maybe if my friends now knew, they would be more careful about how they treat me (obviously I’m planning on ditching the friends who don’t treat me right for nicer friends in college, but still. I still take things way more sensitively than I should, and maybe if my friends now knew that, they would be careful about how they treat me sometimes.) Hopefully this doesn’t sound like I get bullied by my friends, it’s more like some things bother me because of my high sensitivity, and I don’t show it, but maybe if I was more honest about who I was, they would be less likely to do things that bother me. But does that mean I should parade around wearing an HSP banner so that everyone can be sure not to bother me? Shouldn’t I just deal with it?
I deeply thank anyone who has taken the time to read this, I’m sorry for possibly sounding like just some teenager ranting on tumblr.
I completely understand how you feel! I’m the exact same way!
I’m 24, and I’m sad to say that I’ve developed the coping mechanism of just not having close friends beyond my family – in fact i was on the internet trying to find more people like that (people who feel like it’s a pain to have friends while at the same time feeling bad about thinking that) when I ran across an article on HSP, like an hour ago. BUT being friendless is totally not my suggestion for you! (i had friends… just not CLOSE friends… i wonder if my defenition of “close friend” is wrong)
I’m just telling you some things that help me in some ways:
1) Get enough sleep and sacrifice your social life for your schooling if you have too, but don’t bite off more schooling than you can chew.
If you can get enough sleep and stay ahead in your school work, that will help minimize stress.
If you’re well rested and less stressed, you will be able to think more clearly in social situations and avoid embarrassment (also, when I’m too tired I look uninterested in what people are saying… which is true because i just want to sleep).
2) Make friends with other HSP girls (and maybe boys unless you think they won’t take it well that you think they’re highly sensitive – i don’t know because i haven’t tried it).
I had a roommate that I’m pretty sure was an HSP too, but I didn’t know what HSP was at the time. I think we would have understood each other even better if it had been something we had discussed.
I feel like having a friend who is also an HSP would let you have someone who understands and supports you, and could be the kind of person that you can sit with in a room or car, in a comfortable silence, just doing you own things, and just be ok with each other.
Also, I don’t know what I would do if I were you, but if I were me (and I am), I would probably try to avoid telling people I’m HSP as much as possible until I know them well and think I know how they’ll respond.
And even then, I’d feel them out just like you would if you were trying to figure out if the were also My Little Pony fans, or if they believed in Bigfoot.
(That’s another thing I do to cope – pretend everything is a joke and just for fun. which isn’t convincing when I’m nervous and backfires on me when I’m serious)
Like, “Have you ever seen any of My Little Pony?”.
Lol! that’s literally what I’ve said before, and then if they seem uninterested I just play it off like it was my nieces’ faults that I watched it! which is kind if true because I can’t seem to get more than 5 episodes into any tv series…
anyway, I can’t say if this is the best advice, but it’s still what I would do. I’m sure we’re not exactly the same, so take it all with a grain if salt and trust your intuition!😊👍🏻
And don’t lose touch with that friend who knows you so well already!!
This is all so new to me, yet so strangely familiar. I have come here, to HSP, trying to understand my child, and by following a trail of crumbs from my child’s teachers, doctors and my own instincts. In the process I have not only opened a door of understanding for my child, I have opened a door to my self.
The research you have done and the understanding you’ve released to the world is very welcomed, Elaine, very needed. How long I’ve waited for the aliens to come and take me away to the planet I thought I must have been meant for, only to find, now, that I DO belong here. Not only do I, my child and my spouse, also HSPs, belong here, too! We are not aliens after all, but are a vital part of the human species, though the species can sometimes drive us to distraction, and may very well also think we HSPs are alien.
Speaking of species, it has seemed to me for many years that there are, within the population of our species, change agents (my term). As I have listened to many researchers from many areas comment on our species propensity to be “joiners”, to “follow the herd”, to “blindly follow leaders”, it has always made sense that we, and any other biological entity, would “gather,” since there really is safety in numbers. Yet it has always seemed to me just as likely that there must be entities within the group who would NOT gather, who would NOT conform. There simply must be times that there is NOT safety in numbers, there are times when there is danger in numbers. And at such times, it is the outliers that will save the species.
I will admit to thinking this way for the purposes of justifying my own peculiarities. It is hard to be sensitive, to be different, to not be a joiner in the greater elements of our societies when the pressure to join is so strong. Yet, as in the example of the deer, when one remains behind the group and may sense dangers that the group does not, are those sensitive elements not then a vital element to the survival of the very species itself? Thus, my justification for myself … I am part of a small number of change agents that really does serve a purpose. Even more importantly, so does my child.
But, as I said, this is new and I am just scratching the surface. The need is most great to find a way for my daughter to be seen in school and with friends as she is and not as an “oddity”. She doesn’t need “special handling” but she does need her space, her room to be herself. The problem is to find a socially “legitimate” way to deal with her teachers and others so that they listen and understand, with proper authority behind the words (self-testing not necessarily and acceptable way to “diagnose”).
Thank you for opening this door! Now I must find the wedge to ensure it stays open :-)
I first heard that there was such a thing as HSPs through a description of Elaine’s work through Kripalu’s Magazine. I ordered the CD. I have told all the HSPs that I know about this, and I know many and I knew immediately which of my friends were hsps. This explains so much that was previously confusing to me. My mother knew I was “special” from day one, but I don’t think she knew why. I am definitely a sensation seeker and an introvert, but I communicate with everyone and do not appear outwardly shy. I think the difference I identified with immediately when I heard about this is that I notice things and react to simuli in a way that is not the norm. If there is a smell or any disturbance of the regular environment, its huge for me. I am “sensitive” to smells and noises, and if I am drinking water, and there is any chlorine or other unpleasant chemical taste in that water, I notice it and don’t want to drink the water. The same thing goes for food. Of course, you understand. This is our difference. I think it is a strength. I am glad that I see what other people may not. Its a step on the path to wisdom but I do have to set limits in my life to make sure I don’t become stressed. This happens easily to me. Yoga has helped me a lot, and I can’t work long hours. I need regular exercise, all the things everyone needs, but I am hyperaware.
Thanks Elaine for making me realize who I am and why. I am spreading the word as much as I can to my other HSP friends.
Sharon Abramczyk
As a published, award-winning poet who identifies being HSP, I can tell you having the trait is invaluable to my art. But it can, at times, also be a hindrance. You would think being highly sensitive would help with, of all things, poetry. But I’ve identified how the HSP trait can actually affect one’s literary aesthetics. An HSP poet can remain unrecognized or “invisible” specifically because of his or her more intuitive or “from the gut” sense of the art and of existence in general.
Something I have learned along the way after finding a name to this trait and working in therapy, is to not fall into the scapegoat role. Growing up and not having my “talent” recognized or nurtured (like a very tall kid not being told to play basketball or become a model-who says “your just too tall”?) I became a “truth teller” in my family. I found it intolerable to play along with people who saw me as “too tall” or invisible so I became transparent instead. “You don’t see me? Well I see you-all of you” This didn’t play out too well in the work place (eventhough I graduated valedictorian) or within my family because we all know now the truth teller gets slaughtered. So I’ve learned who to be “vulnerable” with-and how to utilize my sensitivity to not position myself the “scapegoat” (typically interactions with non-HSP) or persons unaware. It’s a journey- I’m glad I now have tools that empower me so I can see my talent and can believe the truth about myself. Nobody questions the innate use of a tall persons legs to reach their goals.
I came to this as my sister kept referring to me as ‘sensory sensitive’. She is a clinical psychologist and I was a bit worried as it was usually said with exasperation, albeit fondly!
It’s been interesting, in that I responded quite strongly to many of the signs, things I have in the past put down to an artistic temperament. Some sentences in particular resonated – ‘ afraid to speak up as they rarely agree with the popular opinion’. I am always the outsider.
It seems I may be here as well. Sure there must be some irony in there somewhere..
Many of the actual experiences or ‘gifts’ seem to be overlapping with other possible conditions, or traits, whichever term you prefer. Autism, in particular, something far more common than most realise, particularly in its high functioning form, causes sensitivity to sensory input and is much more likely to lead to strong reactions and visible displays of what others might term inappropriate emotion that could result in the individual being bullied. Bi-polar disorder, borderline personality disorder, PTSD and depression also come to mind.
There is also a term ‘over-excitables’, put forth in connection with gifted individuals which highlights many similar things as sensitivity.
Perhaps I am not HSP.
I don’t require special arrangements over the holidays, the more the merrier as far as I am concerned, I never cry in public, except at films and I find myself in the majority here. In fact I rarely display deep emotions unless very comfortable in a situation. I have to admit I thought perhaps this article might be about that. I find my sense of caution and reserve seems to have reached a defining level. I am struggling to let anyone see me, at all. I’m like the chameleon that doesn’t know what colour it is.
There is so much here that overlaps, so many possible diagnoses and some really would benefit hugely from a more accurate and precise understanding. In particular when it comes to our emotions I caution restraint as there seems to be some suggestion that non-HSP’s cannot feel deeply. Trauma is common and affects us all.
I would love to have my brain scanned, as mentioned in some of the research, to see if this does apply to me and am more interested in the D and S parts of the definition. There seems a very heavy emphasis on emotional vulnerability yet this is the most individual in terms of manifestation and conversely common in terms of numbers, numbers across all of society. Basically the true definition may lie not in how often we cry, but what we noticed that made us feel that way in the first place.
I’m very interested to read more in depth and hope continuing research, particularly into the evolutionary and neurological aspects, is forthcoming.
I loved your comment “I find my sense of caution and reserve seems to have reached a defining level. I am struggling to let anyone see me, at all. I am like a chameleon that does not know what colour it is”.
I cannot describe how closely I feel to this! It has been stuck on my mind for literally years!
If you are not HSP then neither am I because that is exactly me. In fact I was on the internet, trying to figure out what keywords to search that would help me find others who were thought like this, when I ran across HSP.
I was searching things like “calm”, “indifferent” and “relaxed”, but google kept giving me their opposites, like “anxious” and “over sensitive”. So I gave up and decided to read about HSP. I was already certain it was not me, so I was very surprised lol!
But I also don’t fit all of the criteria. I have no problems with holidays and large groups (I have probably 200 relatives just in my mother’s side), don’t cry very often (and never in public if I can help it), don’t mind violent movies (but I don’t like horror or sad chick-flicks) and don’t show a lot of sincere emotion in public. I’m “cheerful” unless I’m tired, and then I’m just relaxed and “laid-back”.
In fact I can’t relate well to other girls in their emotional “girl-talk” or chick-flicks, and I’m bad at giving enthusiastic “sincere” compliments to girls (if you just TELL a guy he has a nice tie, he’ll believe you).
So I was searching the internet trying to find out why I had no close friends. I actually already knew the reason maybe. It’s because I can’t motivate myself to invest myself in their well-being. When I asked how they were doing, I never truly meant it because I had no plans to help them if they had anything wrong going on. I wouldn’t say no (probably), but I also probably wouldn’t offer and hoped they would not ask.
It’s not the attitude I take with my family – if they have something they need, I’m sincerely enthusiastic about helping them if they ask… and sometimes when they don’t ask lol!
Basically, I was trying to figure out why I was so reserved and withdrawn. I think I was confused about how I cared so much sometimes, for some people, and then cared so little at other times for other people.
I think I had subconsciously realized that if I could keep myself from a “Taking them under my wing” kind of thing, then I would not feel so bad when life gave them lemons.
And if I didn’t care about them and they didn’t care about me, no rude or insensitive things they ever said to me could ever mean anything real because they didn’t really know me.
I’m sure this probably isn’t healthy, but I still don’t really know what to do about it.
And I do have my family- they’re my best friends. Which may sound cheesy or desperate, but I don’t envy the people who brag about their siblings locking them in closets when they were younger.
Actually, I think most of my family are HSPs, so that’s probably why we get along so well.