This is a guest post by Spencer Koffman, who is currently writing The Weaving Web (a book about Big History).
I grew up a highly sensitive boy in a loud, chaotic family. I was flooded with anxiety and depression. I coped by retreating into my room and shutting the door. By the time I was a teenager, I had already quit little league, guitar lessons, and many other social activities. If I ventured outside my bedroom, my danger alarms would shriek, so I took solace in the quietude of my safe space. My imagination roamed free, while my social life was under house arrest.
This was the beginning of the dictatorship in my psyche. Anxiety and depression paired into a formidable coalition, who ruled by making sure nothing even came up for a vote. It seemed like I didn’t have choices, the twin dictators were calling all the shots.
Anxiety and depression were a menacing duo. I experienced depression as a force at the back of my head that pushed my face towards the ground. Like bowing before a superior power, I surrendered and it disarmed me by sapping my life energy. Depression colored life one shade of gray. Like the Death Eaters in Harry Potter, depression sucked all hope out of me. On those rare occasions that I willed myself to step out in spite of depression’s grip, anxiety took over and tyrannized. Anxiety agitated my stomach in a jittery, acidic witches brew. After encountering anxiety a few times, “I’m out of here” became my way of life.
The twin powers of anxiety and depression had won. I didn’t make choices, they decided for me. Their biggest victory was to cut me off from my desires. My desires weren’t being fulfilled. Rather than suffer continual disappointment, after many times of not getting my needs met, I shut off desiring. I no longer was in touch with what I wanted. This was not some enlightened Buddhist state of non-attachment. This was a defensive suppression of my life energy.
I gave up, but even that wasn’t a choice. “Giving up happened” is a more apt description. In the political arena of desire, I never had a chance. Anxiety and depression were too powerful.
Many years have passed. I’ve learned a few things I’d like to share with you. Even if the specifics of what helped me don’t work for you, maybe something about my struggle will touch you or plant a few seeds of hope.
Like any good story about battling an evil villain, I encountered a few allies along the way. My first ally was Fairness. I had a fierce sense that life should be fair. All my life I’d heard “Life isn’t fair”, but deep down, I’d had an inner Martin Luther King, who clearly saw the power imbalance, was offended by injustice, and stood with the oppressed against the oppressor. This was true for oppressed peoples, and it was also true for my internal struggle against the tyranny of anxiety and depression.
Anxiety and depression were powerful bullies. My Fairness ally wasn’t strong enough to overcome them by itself, so I continued along the path.
The next ally I met was Curiosity. Because the twin dictators confined me to quarters, I had quite a bit of time to reflect. My boundless curiosity wandered into forbidden territory. I imagined a more fulfilling life, fantasized about ways to defeat the enemy and wondered why my enemy existed.
Curiosity introduced me to my third ally, The Big Picture. The Big Picture gave me an expansive view of anxiety and depression’s role in this archetypal drama. Suddenly, I wasn’t on the hero’s journey battling an evil monster—my shadow was trying to help me.
Anxiety and depression weren’t trying to harm me, they were only trying to keep me safe. I had survived quite a few childhood traumatic wounds. I had learned early on that the world is an extremely dangerous place. Anxiety and depression dutifully responded by doing what they could to protect me from harm, even though their over-protectiveness turned me into the bubble boy.
Unfortunately, insights from my allies did little to change my life. Anxiety and depression had become part of the architecture of my psyche. It was not easy to change. Lacking flexibility, anxiety and depression were unresponsive to my realizations, and therefore unwilling to abdicate their throne of power.
So, Curiosity started working overtime. Reflection showed me that my anxiety was a danger alarm set to go off at the slightest provocation. The alarm sounded when there was danger, but it is also went off when there really wasn’t danger. I wished I could readjust the setting to only signal when there’s actually a dangerous situation, but it was hard-wired. I didn’t have access to the thermostat to change the setting.
I had a miscalibrated alarm making major life decisions for me. I wanted some say in my life choices. I wanted my life back! And, still that wasn’t enough to change the status quo.
Enter my last ally—Death. Death is the great teacher and is a close relative of The Big Picture, only in more shocking garb. Death puts life in perspective. Death makes time real. Death is like staying at a hotel that doesn’t post the check out time. You know it’s going to end, you just don’t know exactly when.
Death came to me in the form of dear friends dying. As I write this some are gone and some will soon be gone. And, I too, someday will be gone—and that woke me up. I foolishly believed I had plenty of time, and I don’t. (Even if this is one incarnation of many, this is the only life I have being Spencer). If I am here for something—to love, to express, to help—then now is the time.
It never felt like I had a choice. It seemed as if depression and anxiety were in charge. But, I do have a choice. I can choose anxiety instead of depression.
Depression is the default setting. Depression is a mini-death, it keeps me safe by depriving me of energy and hope. But, I can act in spite of depression. Venturing outside the casket of depression opens the floodgates of anxiety.
Over time, I have found that I am able to tolerate more anxiety than I previously believed possible. Usually, anxiety is a false alarm. It is a screeching siren that makes me instinctually want to retreat back into the numb slumber of depression. But, I choose anxiety over depression. I choose to live my life and tolerate the discomfort of anxiety.
For example, there was a lecture I wanted to attend. I was having anxiety leading up to going. A lot of anxiety. I knew if I went, I could just sit in the back and listen. Nothing was required of me (no socializing). There was no real danger, but I was extremely nervous. Rather than sit home and regret missing it, I applied what I’d learned. I decided to go and tolerate my anxiety. I knew I’d have a lot of anxiety and it would be painful, but I also knew (from experience) that I can be with the anxiety and tolerate it. I did go, and I had a lot of anxiety. It subsided at times, but it didn’t go away. What was important was that I didn’t run away. I claimed a small victory. The lecture was disappointing, but I acted courageously.
This is an ongoing process, but the fact that it is a process has been a major life transition. Before, I was stuck in a rigid structure. Now, there’s movement, something alive can happen.
It isn’t easy, and I’m not free of the anxiety. (By the way, I’m not against medication, it’s just that it hasn’t worked for me). I’ve been more successful in choosing anxiety to make life changes having to do with friendships, socializing and career, than I have in finding love. My life is a work in progress.
What I have shared is so real, it is raw. I think that’s why (sometimes) it works. I wrestle with my shadow. That’s why it might not work for you. It is my life struggle, it’s not a self-help formula to cure everyone. But I am hopeful that it inspires you to take a step on the journey. After all, you never know what ally you might meet when you step on the path.
Spencer Koffman is currently writing The Weaving Web (a book about Big History). He is a retired Marriage Family Therapist, entrepreneur, and co-founder of Planetary Philosophy at http://www.planetaryphilosophy.com. You can email him at spencer202122@gmail.com
Wow, what a very brave and special man. I won’t say I enjoyed reading this article. It says too many things too close to home for me. I don’t tend toward depression, but I do have some anxiety issues. In my growing up years I had to face real danger to my life many times. I had an extra special mother who got me, and my younger sibs, out of our house and in positive and supportive group situations. She sent me to dance lessons (which I enjoyed so much-moving around helps), she sent us all to a small art school near the beach (yes, I’m an artist now), she sent me to the lady across the street who worked with me on poetry (reading expressively-bibliotherapy?), she provided me with piano lessons, she sent me to get singing lessons (it helps to make lots of noise and express yourself and you get to sing opera!), and she sent me to my loving grandmother’s house at the other end of the block. Even though there were very bad things going on with the men in my family I felt protected, loved, attended to, and treasured. My wonderful mum sent me to church where we all had fun things going on all week, and that all helped to control my fear, and made me feel more normal. She had a network of friends who would watch over us at their homes while my mum battled along alone. She made a lovely home with all our artwork displayed prominently on the walls. I still have anxiety but no more panic attacks. I feel good, and blessed. Thank you for that article, and may the force always be with you.
I absolutely love your passage Spencer. To my heart you spoke. To my depression and anxiety you gave a friend. Someone whose language is the same as mine. Brave my friends call. In my quest to counteract injustice I rose to the occasion and won. How healing it was to be validated in this significant arena. Thank you for sharing.
Anxiety and depression have been in charge for a good part of my life also. But recently, I have discovered that it is very helpful to take along someone who is very supportive and outgoing(if you are an introvert HSP) when you desire to do something social, out of your comfort zone, or attending some special event. I have learned to “watch and mimic” in some manner what I see my supporter do in these situations, which has helped me step out of my comfort zone more often, and “practice” a bit, until I feel confident enough to go it alone.
Nancy, good suggestion (I’m an introvert HSP) about taking someone with me to go someplace as I’m not accustomed to doing that at all, ever. Something to consider. Thank you.
This reminds me of an excellent book by Susan Jeffries called ‘Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway’. This book came out maybe twenty years ago and is about sitting with and accepting your anxious feelings but not allowing them to stop you doing what you want to do. The book is still available on line and as an e-book. In going to the lecture in spite of his strongly anxious feelings, Spencer has put into practice the advice of ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’. I know of several people (including me) who found this book of great help in living with anxiety.
Thanks you so much for introducting our people to others who have something good to say about their struggles. I’ve had and have my struggles with anxiety since I have had childhood wounds and I am a deeply sensitive person. I cannot pass roadkill without saying a silent prayer. It has taken me over 3/4 of my life to get where I am. A little medication when needed has helped me enjoy parts of my life that I never would have and reading, reading, reading on all matters that have to do with sensitivity, mystical and connecting not in a best friend way but being with people, helping, receiving help (which is very hard for me) and learning which helped the most that alone time is so very beneficial. Whether to read, daydream, relax with my dogs or just be. You can do it you know, it takes practice and a different practice for all people. I am a great grandmother and maybe when Elaine Aron stepped up so did I. And then like the Bodhi Book Shop, books started falling on my head and it was wonderful…. Pata
I must say that I recognize these four allies very much, even though I have never thought of them that way before. Thank you so much for sharing your words.
I can relate to being so completely out of touch with your desires, that you have no idea what you want. I have only recently understood this about myself, and am just beginning to try to figure it out at age 51. I almost don’t even know where to start, just looking for the joy as a guidepost. At least I have a loving and supportive family (though that’s a very good place to hide out!)
Very inspirational and reassuring to learn that there are a variety of ways out of depression and anxiety, especially for HSPs.
Not much experience with anxiety per se but suffered from depression myself for over 40 years from my early teens to my mid-50s. Made slow progress over the decades with various therapists until the last one introduced me to David D. Burns’ work, bibliotherapy and in particular to his “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” from whence I emancipated my psyche. Life has been good since.
I am now in my late 60’s having self-identified as an HSP over fifteen years ago after stumbling on Elaine’s first book in my neighborhood bookstore.
I still enjoy my solitude most of all spending half my time in semi-seclusion at a quiet cottage on a small lake less than an hour’s commute from my downtown condo in a major Canadian metropolitan centre , alternating roughly every two weeks on a year-round basis. I belong to a monthly supper club, meet friends for drinks and dinner on the Fridays I’m in town, patronize the local repertory cinema for mostly indie and foreign films and am a «flâneur» at local pubs, bistros and cafes when in town.
So bottom line: there is hope and liberation and, good physical health permitting, life keeps on getting better for HSPs who recognize their condition, accept it and manage their social life in moderation.
One last thought: an insatiable curiosity and thirst for life-long learning are critical to contentment, serenity and even that elusive sense of happiness.
These words describe my life as if I had written them myself. Thanks for sharing your personal journey. I was in my forties before I discovered Elaine Aron’s ground-breaking book on HSP’s. It has been very liberating to help understand myself in this way. Kudos to you for your ongoing determination to challenge your ‘enemies.’
Wow. Wishing I had read this a long time ago. Also in my 40s, I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life, with no idea why until discovering Elaine’s site and book. My parents always told me that I had a very short temper growing up, I was always overly sensitive about arguments between my parents, and I ran away from conflict that my friends had no problem with. I had bouts of insomnia and social anxiety throughout school, to the point of being too sick to go to school, and trying to bow out of open houses when the parents and teachers meet each other. Even though I was always doubting myself, everyone seemed to gravitate toward me, and wanted to be friends with me, and couldn’t understand when I would withdraw. Even today I can’t understand why I attract friends from all walks of life, and inadvertently upset people when I choose not to attend certain events. They don’t understand that I need my downtime, and though I enjoy socializing, too much of it can be overwhelming. I’ve jokingly called myself an extraverted introvert, or vice versa.
That’s the negative part of being an HSP. The positive parts are being able to use my empathy to help others, recognizing when a situation is about to get out of hand, and fully appreciating my friends and experiences. I try to see the positive in everything, or spin things to be positive, vs dwelling on the negative. If I’m going to experience things so strongly, they may as well be positive experiences!
Wow! Extraverted Introvert – that is Exactly what I would call myself. Very social, friendly, sensitive to others’ needs, avoid conflict and need LOTS of down time to recover. Also, thank you Spencer for your description of the huge chaotic family – rings true to me too. Nine siblings, no privacy, no chance to identify, let alone defend your own thoughts or feelings….the need to retreat was powerful!
Thank you for sharing your thought and good writting! I can relate a lot with what you expose in this article.
I am also in a stage where i feel more connected with my true self, and also WEED has helped me a lot with coping with these things, specially with depression… Even tho it-s still using something to cope with this, but it-s better it has helped me alot.. i never wanted to use chemicals such those prescriptive medicine so im glad for it tho. But still use to read about this and this site helps A LOT! to just been part opf a community that researchs about this topic and us as HSPs
thanks again.
Thank you Spencer for your courage and creative reasoning. Depression and anxiety took their toll on me as well. Then my pastor told me about Dr Aron’s books and sent me to the doctor for depression. Counseling, diet (adding Omega 3 rich flax oil), yoga and the works of Wayne Dyer helped a lot. Then I discovered medical grade essential oils from Young Living where integrity and passion for quality are not just buzzwords in fine print. They literally bless the young plants and trees the members help to transplant! The love and healing came through into each bottle of Valor or Peace and Calming that tamed my anxiety in a way the drugs could not.
You are right- we have been here in many life times. This one is special because the energy of the planet has shifted as a critical mass of souls attained higher levels of consciousness and averted the possible/prophesied Armageddon. We are powerful co-creators and I have been learning much from Abraham-HIcks and Kryon. There is great love (without judgment!) and well being available for all. Namaste
Thank you so much for this powerful & moving article. I have only just discovered that I am an HSP at the age of 41. Elaine’s book came as a revelation to me – I did the HSP test online & answered “yes” to all the questions but one. Anxiety & depression have been my constant bad companions since I was about 5 years old, my situation made worse by the fact that I grew up in extreme poverty & deprivation, & that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder (I also only worked this out recently after starting therapy to deal with my depression & anxiety which has currently been exacerbated by my being a carer for my now frail, elderly, but still difficult & self centred mother).
My mother always complained that I was “too sensitive” as a child. I was bullied at school, & subsequently told that I needed to learn how to fight (I did – & there was an angry little girl inside the “shy” girl) instead of being moved to a different school. I was sick a lot (migraines, gut problems) but not taken seriously, & then as a teen, I developed an eating disorder, which my dysfunctional mother actually enabled! She liked to boast about how thin I was, if you can believe it! Eventually I became seriously ill & had a total physical collapse – at 17. I knew that I was near death, & that if I wanted to live I had to struggle hard to get better & to eat normally.
Fortunately, I did have a good relationship with my father, who was most likely an HSP as well – a quiet, gentle man who was relentlessly bullied by my mother. I modelled myself on him – stoical, melancholy soul that he was.
It took years of forcing myself to face the challenges of being “out in the world”. Art school was where I slowly started to join the world, & to begin the lifelong process of individuation. Now I don’t mind socialising at all (it is near essential for a successful artistic career) but I still need lots of quiet time, too – “headspace” as I like to call it.
The busy, hard working years of my 20s & 30s almost kept the twin demons at bay, but they returned in early mid life as my mother’s health declined & she became dependent on me for more & more things. Feelings of long suppressed resentment arose in me – that I should have to cater to her every whim & need after growing up in such a bad situation – it just seemed unfair (especially as she has 3 other children from her first marriage who for their own reasons cannot, or will not make a contribution.)
As we all know as HSPs, we need space, quiet times, calm, etc. Rushing around dealing with a demanding invalid is not the way to live a peaceful life. I know that I wouldn’t be feeling quite this way if my mother was a “normal” person. I like to help others, to serve, & to work conscientiously. But a narcissist makes everything into a grand drama. She neglects her health to make herself more needy of my attention.
Despite all that, I have to say that finding out that I am an HSP has made such a difference – now I know that I’m not “weak” or “fragile” or “damaged goods” – in fact I feel filled with a quiet inner strength. My years of agonising of self esteem are slowly ebbing away, but not without a feeling of grief for the happy childhood I should have had. I have achieved a lot, even if it has been hard won. What I have won, small as it may be, is mine, & no one can take that away. The inner life I have always relied on (now I know that is an HSP characteristic) is my rock. I can escape into that inner world & feel calm in the eye of the storm of life.
The knowledge of impending death is another reason I sought to drag myself out of the hole of depression that I have been stuck in for the last few years. I can feel time’s passage so keenly, & have made a promise not to endure feeling bad all the time. Why should I waste my precious hours & days in misery? HSPs are giving people, & we often seem to forget ourselves in the pursuit of hard work, perfection, of pleasing others. Making the big decision that “it’s my time – & my life” is so important!
brave and insightful stuff. I can relate to much of it as a teenage bedroom casualty myself.
Youve literally written my own life! Ive only doscovered hsp recently and struggling with NHS medical services and support. I go to hsp groups when possible but also find meds do not work with me, and I choose anxiety over hermitting on sofa whn possible, its a daily battle and a new concept to share these thoughts and feelings after a life of repression.
Good luck to ya, mate.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. So much of it reflects my life. I just turned 50 and have just now begun to repair my “damaged” mind. It has taken a good counselor and proper meds to get started on a path to forgiveness, acceptance and finally recovery.
And in response to an earlier comment, there is such a creature as an extroverted introvert, as I am one, which makes for difficult social interaction. I am still figuring out how to deal with it every day.
As I’m beginning to write this I’m already getting anxious because I hate not being able to predict what other people will say. Anxiety and depression are so hard, my family has suffered from it since I can remember, and of course I inherited both tendencies (except I do not think they are HSPs). My mom and dad came here from another country when I was little and had to face a completely different world from the one they grew up in. Every time I have a panic attack or fearful reaction, they ask me what I’m so scared of and give me a speech about why my life is easy, how I will never have to experience the same fear they experienced.
I had a few traumatic experiences in childhood, but at the time this only served to make me more afraid of dying rather than offering up motivation to make the most of the days that I have. After several moves and dealing with all the changes of traveling from state to state I realized that I needed some kind of stability in order to thrive. I desperately wanted to stay at home and never see another person again but I kept having to go to school and face the horrible dread and fear that everybody would probably hate me. It felt unbearable but somehow I got through those years, with the help of friends who I somehow managed to make despite always moving (still unsure of how this happened). People who are close to me say it is because of my open heart and non-judgmental attitude but I never really believe them. It’s hard not to see being an HSP as a bad thing when I was so put down by most people for the trait.
Spencer, reading your insights was very moving for me. When I was in college I felt like my anxiety was utterly intolerable. It gripped me in a state of terror that I thought would eat me away. Everything was scary, everything looked like it might kill me. All I wished for was to become numb, to let go of the fear. Of course letting go of fear wasn’t easy, nor did I actually let go of it completely, but I am no longer crippled by it. Finally the fear began to shift, and the depression came creeping in and before I knew it, had made a home. It was hard at first to figure out where the depression came from, but I think it was always there, especially during the hardest parts of moving and having a difficult family life. I am trying so hard to make it better, doing all sorts of things, but it is slow progress. Still, one quote always resonates with me when I spend some time in reflection (a thing I also do all the time). It was on a list of top ten regrets from people who are near death. “I wish I had let myself be happy more.”
Anyway, it is so good to know other people suffer the same way I do. Thank you.
Hi. I would like to say thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Last night I was planning on how to end my life because I could not explain the hurt I feel all the time. I did not understand why in my work, at home all the people I care about got to the point of joking about my alien sensitive ways. I stumbled on your website and thank you that for the first time in 40 years, I understand who I am. I feel born today and am so overwhelmed by the relief I feel. I will look for your book and once again thank you.
I’m an highly sensitive person who is also a psychotherapist. I recommend EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), which involves tapping on acupuncture points as an unbelievably effective treatment for anxiety and fear, trauma, and a whole raft of other symptoms. Google will lead you to many resources, including YouTube videos you can watch at home.
You can learn everything you could ever want to know at EFTUniverse.com. Great way to resolve symptoms without medication or long-term psychotherapy. I have used it in my practice for about 3 years. Works great!
Thank you so much for being brave enough to share yourself ! This is going to help so many people.
Thank you for sharing your story, Spencer. Reading it today helped me feel less alone with my anxiety. Best wishes to you!
God, Spencer, you are so honest! Thank you! I too spent hours and days in my room as an adolescent, just hurting and not knowing why. Then in college, I got so freaked out about impending nuclear holocaust – the world was bristling with missiles at the time – who could function when it all could end any second and the survivors would envy the dead? I would drive my car to a deserted place and just scream and cry for hours. I had no one to talk to about this – anti-nuke activists were out in large noisy crowds, chaining themselves to things and getting arrested, which was unthinkable to me. They said, be activist! Quit whining! And I’d be, like, I’m crawling back to bed. And then on top of the fear, feeling guilty because I wasn’t DOING anything about what I was so scared of.
Thankfully the world has changed for the better in that department, so I am not afraid of that any more. My fears now are closer to home, worries about my family’s health, EMPATHIZING constantly with what my many sick/disabled relatives/friends are suffering, being their go-to person for all kinds of annoying/serious/life-threatening conditions. They love me – not only do I take care of them on a practical level, I am SO understanding, they feel comfortable sharing their fears with me, which heals them.
I had to start taking medication a couple of years ago because I was so afraid of losing everyone to their health problems, I got seriously ill myself. Now the medication allows me to stay neurologically and physically healthy, but I still can’t say no to a sick person. I have learned to let their feelings spill through my nervous system and out of my heart, because there is too much honest pain there for any listener to hang on to. I suppose it’s like being a hospice worker, even when their diagnosis is not terminal. They want validation, which I am exceedingly good at giving.
I am so glad my anxiety/depression meds work for me. Without them, I honestly would be living in a cave somewhere starving to death. In its unmedicated state, my mind is so locked up by the enemies of depression and anxiety, which are fed by the screaming needs of the world’s pain.
Now at least I can show up and not get sick, most of the time.
Your history makes me crying………..your not alone, your describson is like my feelings all my life. Death was also my teacher and also my beautiful three children – all HSP! I am on the path! Till I know about me (Thanks Elaine!) I know, that I am not alone – Thank Spencer for posting your history! It touches my heart!
With love to you from Austria! Sabine
It was really inspiring to read Spencer’s story and impressive achievements while battling depression and anxiety.
I only came across the term HSP in a newspaper article about the film ‘Sensitive’ a few days ago, did the test out of curiosity and found it to be an almost exact description of my personality! Things about myself which had puzzled me suddenly fell into place. Now knowing there are many other people with the same characteristics and finding this blog has made me much more accepting of myself. Great work, Dr. Aron!
@ruott “screaming needs of the world’s pain” for some reason i am burdened and heavily weighted down with the suffering of animals…..not so much humans. this has haunted me my whole life. i live in a high density neighborhood with homeless cats and dogs caused by irresponsible humans…….i try to help them all until i almost drop dead…yet can’t stop. nobody else seems to be aware or feel this suffering. sometimes i dont want to walk out the door because i can’t bear to see another homeless cat etc. and or neighbors neglected dog. i feel cursed with this unending burden. this leads to depression, anxiety etc. i ask, why me? why can’t i go about my day oblivious to my surroundings like most people seem to do? and no, i can’t volunteer and be around more animals, that would destroy me for sure. the only time in my life i had relief from this pain was when i lived secluded in the desert…no homeless animals there. i start to hate humans for their stupidity and arrogance to our four legged friends. the worst of it is these animals seem to sense this in me and follow me or hang out in my yard etc. it’s like there is no escape. i long to be free from feeling and seeing this pain all around me.
I don’t know how helpful this would be, atheoskat, but for me the thing that finally freed me from overwhelm (the anxious kind) was a website called http://anxietynomore.co.uk/ (please edit if no links allowed) and its accompanying book, *At Last A Life.* The trick, as explained on the website, is to stop trying not to feel bad. I’d actually noticed this working as a strategy in the past but had too many other competing strategies to remember how well it worked. After a while, anxiety becomes a paradoxical relief–a bit like the messy house you not only don’t have to clean up, but are obligated not to! 🙂 I wish you well this holiday season and hope this helps. Best, –DC
Atheoskat the image of Snow White came clearly to my mind reading your statement. The animals are so in need of your love and you are a blessing. Your insights could be better used in a capacity to help more animals –could you MANAGE groups of volunteers or find ways to increase your effectiveness? So many people who run and manage nonprofit shelters and adoption connections feel your similar passions. Connect with this group say a crazy cat lady or two or ideally combine your passion with your career although I COMPLETELY see you maybe cannot. Building connections within your existing local pet community would help calm you to see others do care tons.
Amazing writing all.
My anxiety revolves mainly around loud, invasive noises, and the majority of these come from barking dogs. Like the author says, I have a Martin Luther ideology, in that I think dogs owners should be “fair” and not invade my home. Unfortunately, this is seldom the case, so I am hampered in life by having to find a place where there are no barking dogs, which in this day and age is nearly impossible. I live my life in fear that someone with a dog will move in near me and I will have to move again. i stay where i am, missing out on the thing i would like to do because I have for now, found a quiet place. As people continue to increasingly anthropomorphise their animals, they have become a part of the social scenery, where people “bond” over their love of what I consider to be a pollution machine. So in that i am kicked out of the social world in that people see me as “weird” or even cruel in my opinion of invasive, dirty animals. Now no one would think twice if I said I hated snakes, or was afraid of mice or spiders, or even “I don’t like cats” seems acceptable. But people do not understand my dislike of dogs, even though they have ruined my life, and caused me to have to flee from many homes I would have otherwise liked. It is horrible that my very normal sensitivity makes me the odd man “out” and even though I have tried many therapies over the last twenty years, nothing “helps”.
Thanks for your candid essay. I will try to choose anxiety over depression. The pain of anxiety is unbearable at times. Hopefully, it will go away as I choose it more often, and I know that I am doing that with a purpose.
Spencer:
This is brilliant. Thank you SO much for sharing. It’s SO relative to me and my life.
Peace…
Wow! As with many others, so very many similarities to many of my own life experiences/traunas, feelings and thoughts! I am grateful to have found a community “created” by Dr. Aron. I feel blessed to be a part of a group who enjoy and seek to understand such complex, intense, and nuanced physiological, spiritual, intellectual and emotional life experiences.
In my search for my self and learning to be a healthy parent to my HSC, I too stumbled across Dr. Aron’s work. I also stumbled across the work of Dr. Kazimierz Dabrowksi’s Theory of Positive Disintegration. As with Spencer’s words, Dr. Dabrowski’s work spoke to me at a core level. It too has been a helpful part of my self-discovery and betterment. #lesstraveledby #razorlinedpit
Almost forgot! Thank you so much Spencer for giving me some tools to help me let Anxiety be my ally. I have become so very weary with battling it.
Thank you, Elaine for this wonderful website and thank you, Spencer for your candid honesty.
I was in my forties when I discovered I was HSP. I’ve read about it extensively now, and it has literally been a life saver. But I’m still in that limbo where having the knowledge has not stopped the automatic anxiety or depression.
Spencer, your experience is very similar to my own and like you, death has been a kind of wake up call. I wasn’t able to realise the potential of my allies though until reading about your journey just now.
I’m sure I can put my allies to better use now thanks to your insight.
And thank you to all the commenters as well. It helps to know we are not alone.
Happy thoughts to you all,
Gilbert
Thank you Spencer, it does plant a seed in me.💛
This was a magnificent explanation from a man’s perspective that was very insightful to read but also I felt like you were an old friend… Hey! I know that guy! Thank you so much for sharing, Spencer! And for finding a way to identify and acknowledge your shadow as a gift and not a curse. Naming your allies was really helpful. I read this and felt myself saying “that’s it, this is just like me!” I have been chronically ill with a very rare disorder since birth. I chronically malnourish which essentially means that my body cannot sustain itself. This already made me weird but to add even more drama and alienate me further from my peers, I experienced severe abuse sexually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually beginning at 4 yrs old. The earliest I can remember. However, my mother believes that I was being abused even earlier by my biological father. Depression and anxiety and acute PTSD probably began as early as 2 but I wasn’t even diagnosed till 18. All I have known is “survival”. I too came from a loud, chaotic, dysfunctional, addicted, and distressing family where the ability to hear my own voice much less speak my own voice was impossible. I was happiest being alone in nature with my Great Dane Tuffy. I explored kiwi and avocado groves on my grandparents ranch. And in the middle of a willow tree, my own world, privately owned by me and only me, the only place to this day that I would rather be, I felt in control and at peace. When I was forced to live with my mother I constantly escaped to my room after the age of 9 because I simply could not handle how loud, stressful, commanding and demanding my parents and younger brothers were. Learning there is a name to my emotional and mental make up combined with my personality codes from the Myers Briggs test, has been cathartic but also sad. I have been called weird, alien, fake, crazy, emotionally unstable, paranoid, insecure, weak, and wreckless. I was told because I choose to stay in a fantasy world and my sensitivity is my excuse to stay a victim, I regressed as an adult in maturity. Being misunderstood has devastated my self esteem and self worth. So depression and anxiety both kept me alive and kept me from living! And thank you for Ally Death! Death visited me when I was 12 and took the lives of the people I loved most in this world other than my baby brother’s and mother. I just wish I had heard about HSP’s sooner. Death is my shadow as well because I have been dancing with Death all my life. Sometimes he leads and I followed and other times I led and he followed but I have never feared my own death. Forgive me for such a long post but you are a blessing!