I would like to suggest a revolutionary approach to the holidays, although I hope some of you are already doing it. That would be to reduce or cut out the outer activities, and use more of the holidays for rest (yes!). Then in that rested state, you might reflect on the meaning of this time of year for you, or on anything else that wishes to arise from the depths.
You may not at the outset know what to reflect on. You could start with memories of past holidays, but try not to stop there. Your attitude might be receptivity without expectation. And you might reflect better outdoors, or with a candle. If your mind wanders, just come back to what leads to the most feeling, interest, or curiosity. If you need some support in this, you can try reading this post on downtime, solitude, silence, and loneliness, especially the poet Rilke’s comments on how worthwhile it is to do something difficult that could be meaningful.
Now, the Revolution
Then, I hope, that when people ask you what you are doing for the holidays or comment on how difficult this time of year is for them, you’ll tell them what you are doing. If they are interested, you might encourage them to reduce the intensity of the season by one outer activity and use that for inner activity. Yes, go inward.
I hope we do not destroy the entire economy by lessening holiday spending! Revolutions can be tricky. But even a few more people using some other time in this way might make a difference. Now I am thinking of the an earlier post.
My husband and I have spent two weeks in November, including the week of Thanksgiving, doing a personal meditation retreat, with time for individual solitude and silence between meditations and some light entertainment in the evenings. We will spend a week during the December holidays in the same way. (People often ask me how I get so much done. Well, I work hard and rest hard, enjoying both. A clear mind allows one to do less and accomplish and enjoy more. End lecture.)
Of course there will also be time for a visit from our family, and some gift shopping on line. We don’t eliminate everything. And admittedly, at our stage in life it is probably easier to cut back. I am saying all this merely to lead by example. Maybe you will have your own victory to share with others.
About Loneliness
What about solitude becoming loneliness? The same post on solitude also discusses loneliness. Loneliness can be a visitor during the holidays, even if you decide on purpose to cut back on your social events. It’s funny how choosing to be alone can turn suddenly into feeling left out when others are gathered to celebrate. That might be a time for music, or a call to someone who might also be alone.
I also know that some of you are more alone during the holidays than you would choose to be. I have tried in this Psychology Today post to be perhaps a little help with that. In your case, you fight in a quiet revolution to overthrow a different tyrant (some people do make it, even after years), and just to be still engaged in the fight indicates great courage.
Happy revolutionary holidays,
Elaine
Yes, Elaine, I’m happy to report that I already try to “downsize” the holidays so that I can enjoy them too but thank you for encouraging me to tell people about my decisions. I have a way of quietly and thoughtfully going about my business but I do have some good ideas to share if someone asks. Each year I ask my husband and daughter what is important for this holiday season and we just focus on our favorite activities. I also work at putting some spirituality into the season and voicing my concerns to my family, such as my wish to have no tree this year because it makes me sad to take part in a tradition that destroys a living tree which provides oxygen for us if left planted. I love your highly sensitive thoughts, Elaine, and look forward to reading each post. Happy calm and peaceful holidays!
We downsized years ago, beginning with “no gifts” (it was the year my dh had major surgery, we just couldn’t manage it). We said we’d share our presence, not our presents. We liked it so much, we continued that going forward. The family members we visit puts on a meal for us, we bring a hostess gift, we eat together, then sing carols around the piano. On the “gift” front now, we tend to make donations to meaningful charities. We also put up some decorations, and make sure we get in our favourite Christmas traditions, like watching Christmas movies, a carol sing or concert. I’ve found it’s a fine balancing act — too much and we’re frenzied and stressed, too little and we miss out on some joyful things. I think everyone has to decide for themselves what’s meaningful and worth the effort to maintain, and what isn’t. The key is know where your joy comes from and make sure you do that in a joyful spirit. Really savour it instead of trying to fit another thing in!
It’s New Years Day now. I wish I would have read this earlier. I am a single person, widowed with no children. I always depended on my family of original for how I would do xmas. My parents are deceased. I drove to where they live. I had not slept well the night before, concerns about the weather etc. I did run in to some snow (large flakes) as I was driving towards and into the city which is larger than where I live. This was only the 2nd time I had driven on the interstate in a vehicle which I recently purchased. I just said to myself “breath.” I was rattled. I did not sleep well at night. Christmas eve day was overwhelming for me.
Traditional dinner, church, and opening presents. When I went to bed I said to myself “can I do this for one more day. ” I woke up at 4:30 AM. I felt myself spiraling down and did not feel well physically. I made the decision to leave on Christmas morning. I had been at my brothers on Thanksgiving, and felt upset with the way things had gone. We were all going to be gathering at his home again. I thought to myself, I just can’t do this. “I have to take care of myself.” My sister said I can’t believe your leaving on Christmas day. There was a winter storm predicted for the following day and I knew I could not stay for 2 more days. It felt empowering to leave. No radio while driving. The closer I got to my home, the more relaxed I felt. This was “self care” for me. Thanks Elaine for your holiday post and the other 2 responses. About 9 months ago I discovered that I am a HSP. I experience adrenal failure, as my nervous system is depleted. My sister is now asking for more info about HSP…
Happy New year to all.
Rosie
I feel blessed to have read the above comments and only wish that I had read this sooner. I’m plagued each Thanksgiving/Christmas season with physical illness due to the fact that I didn’t do something that was expected of me. I have blamed myself instead of setting boundaries that would have protected me. That terrible feeling of being overwhelmed and also feeling guilty for being overwhelmed is, I believe, why I become ill every year. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. You have redirected how I look at myself and the world. Bonny
If you met me you would think I am a very outgoing, extrovert when actually I am an introvert, love my inner space and I have always been able to pull off the appearance of friendly and outgoing when in reality always feeling I can’t wait until the evening or event was over so I could just go home.
When I wake up I don’t like a lot of loud noise and confusion, if I get in the car after my husband has been driving it the first thing I do is turn off the radio.
The last couple of years when invitations to large groups affairs come along I have just been saying I don’t feel well and decline. I really don’t want to keep telling people I don’t feel well but I really don’t know how to decline the invitations properly without seeming like I don’t want to be with everyone. I can easily have lunch with 1 or 2 of each and everyone of these people, some are relatives some are friends. I always felt that I just plain old have social anxiety but interestingly I have taught classes with say maybe 100 students in an auditorium without a blink of an eye. I assumed because it was teaching about something I am totally comfortable with.
I am retired now, I see friends in small groups but still feel completely overwhelmed at large social affairs. Probably an important factor to tell you is that I quit drinking about 25 yrs. ago.
After all is said and done I guess what I am asking is how do I get around these social events without always telling people I am sick? Thank you for providing this forum in which to share my thoughts and feelings with the hopes of some helpful insight and responses!
Louise
I was comforted and validated by your post on the holidays. For a few years now I’ve been doing something similar. On Thanksgiving I avoid turkey dinner invitations and spend my time communing with nature, especially trees. During the Xmas season I pretend that I’m in a foreign country where the people have quaint customs. The last few weeks of the year when it’s dark and cooler seem a good time for introspection–looking at where I’ve come from and where I might want to go and grow. I’m glad to know that you and others are using the holidays like I do.
I am so grateful to have found your website. I feel like I finally make sense. It is so freeing!
I’ve been doing a lot of reading about HSP and have come to understand that I am an extrovert HSP. Being around people helps me. (Being around fictional people in books helps too.) However, a lot of information out there focuses on the introvert. Do you have a post coming up or other references that applies to those of us who are extrovert HSPs?
Hi, reading your comment brought to my mind the lovely, quiet Thanksgiving I shared this year with a couple of friends. No crowds, no chaos, no drama, just several kindred spirits “potlucking” the items on the menu so no one was stuck in the kitchen. 🙂 We enjoyed a number of hours of intelligent, thoughtful, reflective conversation, with a fair amount of humor thrown into the mix. If I understand you correctly what you are looking for are ideas for non-solitary ways to celebrate holidays without being overwhelmed; though I’m an introvert myself, and love solitude, I also have a social side, so maybe you will find this helpful.
Thank you for your writings. I feel like I have found answeres for many things about mylelf☺
I feel so empowered to be an HSP! I am so glad to have this trait 😀 I have been through depression, being out casted , and just treated differently. All of that lead to the person that I am today and I couldn’t be any happier with my life 🙂 I have somewhere around 10 hobbies and I am meeting so many amazing people because I am a HSP! I am 17 years old going on to 18 and I just can’t wait to see where this life of mine will take me 🙂 I hope to use my music to inspire people in depression and other HSPs to do what they love and to follow their dreams despite what people say about them <3 My goal in life is to help as many people as I can before I die and I want to include as many people with that goal! I thank you for all that you have done for us HSPs. It is my turn to return the favor to you and everyone else! I just want to embrace everyone and all of this earth and that is what life should be about. I wish you the best of luck on your quest of helping HSPs around the world! You have definitely helped me and I can't thank you enough <3
Hello, and thank you for the posts. I am the wife of an HSP and I am so frustrated at how to deal with him at times.Tne thing that we do now is we go to family functions in separate cars so, that when it is too much, he can leave. I guess the main thing that gets me is that it feels like he doesn’t even try to insert himself into the conversation, so to speak. Perhaps he just isn’t able to. I don’t know. I miss him when he leaves. Sometimes I feel so alone when he leaves.
I really wish we could figure out a way to have family time with him. Even if it’s just one daughter with the two grand-daughters and husband he can’t handle it. I am at wits end. I wish someone could talk to me about it.
I think it is great that you are willing to try. I am an HSP . I just found out a few days ago. It explains a lot! I have been separated for more than 10 years. I hope you both can work this out. The key word for me is OVERWHELMED! I get so easily overwhelmed and I feel like when this happens I am falling off a cliff. At that point, I know I need to do something else. Usually that means to leave. Soon after leaving though, I felt so very guilty having the need to do so. Now, that I know that I am an HSP and that I am not alone, it is comforting. I no longer will beat myself up for having to recover/heal and leave. Please understand that it is not a choice to be overwhelmed. It just is. If you can be understanding and allow him to leave, that is a great start. Please do not feel that he is abandoning you. He will be more able to be with you after he has recovered/healed. Please give him the time he needs. He will come back to you even more loving than he currently is. Good Luck to you both!
I have been a follower of Elaine Aron & her HSP research for years. What a revelation to me! I am an introverted HSP. At this very moment I am struggling to calm myself & strengthen the core of my inner peace. I am in recovery from a horrific past 3 years & currently residing with my family of origin due to serious health issues. Christmas is next Sunday. I was so looking forward to a chaos-free time for myself, as my family members are leaving to spend a long weekend with friends. Literally counting down the days & making lists of what I want to do, such as reading spiritual literature, writing poetry, listening to classical music, indulging in scented bubble baths, walks in the park, rest, nap, oh the blessed quiet of it all! But, alas, I was just informed by my sister a friend of hers (whom with I have never been comfortable & taken great pains to avoid, for to me her personality is exhausting: loud & in-your-face) will be staying (babysitting! my inner voice wailed) with me “so you won’t be lonely for Christmas”. Now I feel anxious, confused, depleted, defeated. My family just doesn’t get it. I try to understand they mean well, how blessed I am they took me in, but I am sick & tired of continually explaining my “weird” (their word) need for solitude, especially during what I consider the absolute insanity of the holiday season.
it is so comforting to read this post. As a HSP I need a lot more rest than most and I regularly feel guilty about needing time out, especially as a mum of 3 school age boys. I hope I can remind myself of this post next time I find myself looking for an excuse as to why I need some solitude.
It’s Christmas Day, and I’m a Christian so the meaning of Christ’s birth fills me with joy. However, I have lost a lot of loved ones and have had many traumas so I grieve intensely and am emotionally overwhelmed by the longing for the golden memories to be now.
I then start to fear the intensity of my emotions which makes my anxiety skyrocket. I then find that I’m not enjoying the now and feel that the now will never measure up to the golden times.
The only way I know how to manage is to just about work myself to death and double up on my klonipin all the while questioning God about the whole point of life when it is so hard to just exist.
Any suggestions, please?
Holidays and family gatherings in general for that matter can be tough on me.
I rely on prayer, rest and not overfilling my calendar. ( We also utilize the idea of potlucks and secret santas/name drawing to cut down on holiday overload.)
I find it helpful to spread out time in between events I know to be stressful whenever possible. I don’t want to be too isolated but I do need breaks.
I keep in more frequent contact with a chosen group of friends from church and they are a great support.
I think the holidays can be a fulfilling time for HSPs if we are true to ourselves & keep the focus on what’s meaningful.
On a side note-Finding out that I’m a HSP has been a positive. I understand now why balance in life is so important for me.
I also believe I have a lot to offer because of my thoughtful perspective on life.
Hope that helps someone feel less alone & encouraged to take a toned down approach to the holidays & social events in general.
Wow. I have just accidentally stumbled on HSP via a TEDx talk then found your site. Reading the comments of those above I feel a damn sight less of a weirdo than ever before!
I love my family and friends, but also need above average downtime and solitude. Large gatherings and festivities I find exhausting. Christmas fills me with dread. I’d never decline an invitation to a special occasion such as a wedding or baptism ceremony, for I know how much it means to those who have invited me, but yep, I’ll probably be the first one to head for the door or at least go outside frequently for fresh air. Too many people makes for too much stimulation, and while I’m sociable, confident and fairly extrovert (but not loud) there’s still only so much I can take. And like others who have left comments I love a good night out with 2 or 3 friends. When I used to go out with larger groups of friends at work I’d usually get drunk; I did notice the difference and now think it was an attempt to dull my senses in order to cope.
Loud or even simply incessant noise drives me insane. My lovely man has a radio playing (quietly) in every room in his home, but is gradually getting to grips with the trouble this can cause me. Initially the radio would also be on in his bedroom, all night, until I had a tantrum as I could not sleep at all because of it – lack of sleep can make one rather agitated and tearful! I can be awakened by a pin dropping. He can’t ‘feel’ what I do, but is loving and considerate so he simply believes me and does his best to accommodate me.
I’m now going to look into this further. For years I have wondered what was wrong with me, but it would seem there’s nothing actually wrong – I’m just different, and I’m not the only one. Thank you to the writer of this blog and others who have spoken up. At the very least I now no longer feel like the Christmas Monster!
Reading about HSP has literally opened my mind to me. I have always been `too sensitive’ and too much stimuli sends me to my man cave. We used to have my wife’s family and my children all together for Thanksgiving and I would eat hurriedly and then go to the kitchen and start doing dishes to escape the noise and claustrophobia I felt with so many people. The past few years, we have had 2 Thanksgivings; one for her family; one for my family and one Thanksgiving, we go out to a restaurant that is not overly crowded. It has been a wondrous change for me. (We also follow this same scenario for Christmas).