Some of you have requested that I write about aging and death in relation to our trait. This seems to be the right time: As some of you know, Ted Zeff, our hero in his tireless work for sensitive men and boys as well as all HSPs, left his body on August 18, after a long struggle with cancer. Even during that period, and throughout his life, Ted had dedicated himself to other highly sensitive people, writing The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide, The Strong, Sensitive Boy, and The Power of Sensitivity, along with doing so many helpful videos, blog posts, and media interviews. HSPs will miss him; even if you did not know him, his voice has helped us all.
I was able to visit Ted a few days before he died, at Amma’s San Ramon ashram, which is only about an hour from where I live. San Ramon is a rural part of the San Francisco Bay Area, a perfect place for this large ashram, with its buildings almost hidden by oak and madrone trees. Tucked among these was the homelike hospice (maybe 10 rooms, mostly unoccupied) where Ted was living and dying. Just outside his open window there was a large garden, a mélange of fruits, vegetables, and flowers, well-tended in a jumbled, mid-summer, rural-California way. Ted loved that his bed was so close to nature. So much an HSP!
As soon as I entered Ted’s room he told me how at peace he was and surrounded by love. But he did not need to tell me. I could feel it from him, and see it in those I met who were lovingly caring for him. Mainly I think these were other Amma devotees who were clearly long standing friends of his. But a beloved niece had just left and would be returning soon to help with his care, and his son was also nearby. Ted seemed as happy as I had ever seen him.
People kept visiting, many of them Indians, but he asked them to wait so that we could have some time together. Clearly he was not just loved but much respected by everyone there. Indeed Amma herself had called him that morning from India, telling him she was with him and that they would be walking in the garden soon. We both knew the garden there was the physical form of that other reality Amma spoke of, just for him. Ted was very dear to her (his name in the Amma community was Dayalu, meaning compassionate or kind).
We talked about the Highly Sensitive Men’s conference next March. I was so sorry he would miss it, but he laughed and assured me he would be there. I said we will put a photo of him on a table by the podium and dedicate the weekend to him. (Later I and Will Harper, director of Sensitive the Untold Story and Sensitive and in Love, decided to make 2020 the year of the Highly Sensitive Man, partly in his honor. I was able to convey this message to someone who told Ted at a time when he could hear it.)
We had never spoken much about the importance to each of us of our respective spiritual paths. But it was sweet to share that now, while we meditated together for about 15 minutes. We knew we had met in that place of unity that is the goal of all spiritual practices.
Aging, Dying, and HSPs
I have been asked a number of times to write something about aging when you are highly sensitive. I have felt I did not have much to say about it. In my experience, every individual simply becomes more of who they are as they age, less and less “just an HSP.” Even with dementia, something unique and characteristic remains, at least in those I have watched decline.
There are a few things to be said in general. The research says most people, HSPs or not, if they are in reasonable health, are happier in their old age than young people expect they will be. It helps to have strong social connections, an active mental and physical life, and a sense of some meaning or purpose (perhaps grandchildren, volunteer work, or study).
While enough resources to be comfortable are important for everyone, I think this is more important for HSPs, since adequate resources allow you to live in a low stimulation environment, perhaps near nature, or wherever you like (without noise through the walls or ceiling!); to buy the food that suits you; and generally be in charge of your self-care.
Notice I did not say enough money, but enough resources. Money is one resource, but there other huge ones that you invest in throughout your life or are just lucky to have. One is having a family in which you really like being included, and taken care of by them when necessary, and they want to do that, include you, love you, take care of you.
Groups of older people are increasing their resources by forming “villages” or cooperatives (in a community but not necessarily living side by side) and pooling their social resources (friendships, book clubs, teaching and taking courses, etc.) and their collective information about helpful local services (doctors, computer technicians, house cleaning, etc.). There is usually some plan for end-of-life care as well.
Ted had another resource, the result of his years of work for Amma, allowing him to live and die in a loving, caring community. We know all communities have tensions, but as he put it, working in this one functioned to “polish the stones.” So it also resulted in the growth of his character and his spiritual life. It is ideal for HSPs when we can do work that we love, our calling, usually serving others, and at the same time grow personally while accruing those resources that are needed later in life. His devotion to serving HSPs no doubt contributed to his financial and social resources as well.
One more way to age is by “riding the tiger.” The tiger is the relentless passage of time, planning to devour us. But if we find a way to use that time so that we grow with every passing day, we are harnessing that hungry tiger for our own purpose. So what if our body parts age provided our spiritual part is growing? Then maybe when we “drop our body,” perhaps something else picks us up. This could be the ultimate investment plan.
Thank you, Elaine, for addressing the topic of Aging and Dying. I find myself in much need of some discussion about HSPs as caregivers of dying spouses, perhaps parents.
I recently lost my husband after a three year battle with cancer – he was not an HSP. And he died at far too young an age.
I found it very challenging, so often, to be the loving and present caregiver I would have liked, because neither he, nor other “helpful” family members understood how my being an HSP added to the stress and over stimulation inherent in this sad situation. I was a caregiver in need of caregiving, but unable to really share how being an HSP made the whole situation so much more painful and overwhelming.
So I would love you to consider this topic. How we HSPs can best handle caregiving roles, when no one “gets” us. How to communicate with others about what we need as HSPs to be the best and most loving caregivers we can be.
I submitted this six word statement to a caregiving website – Highly sensitive person. Misunderstood. Overwhelmed. Alone.
I am fascinated by all comments and personal sharings from other HSPs finding, of course, similarities and differences to my own experiences. I never thought that being an HSP could be summarized in so few words, but I have to say that Noelle’s “Misunderstood, Overwhelmed, Alone” definitely hits home with some of the strongest and first noticed feelings. I think, luckily, I come from a family in which several other members are also HSPs to a degree but may not even recognize it fully in themselves, and even so, we can sometimes not understand each other well since we are amateurs at it in our 50s and 60s, and sometimes expect that the other will think or feel exactly the same as we do. I have just introduced the idea to my siblings in recent years. We definitely need for all people to know about our traits and strengths. I am so grateful for Elaine’s work in making this happen and to all others who have also contributed.
Wow – I shouldn’t be surprised at how “spot-on” Elaine’s insights always are. And yet, I was! This post (once again) gave me strength, insight, and hope. Ted’s work on sleep singularly transformed my issues with it. I’m grateful for his life, and for his peaceful passage. And thank you to Elaine for addressing aging and dying. I would LOVE to see more on the subject. It must be a challenge to be an HSP and yet be in such high demand! Thank you, Elaine and Ted (and so many others), for doing the work that helps all of HSPs be the best versions of ourselves.
Dear Elaine and fellow HSP’s,
Thank you for this lovely blog, so rich with tender memorandum for Ted, a man whom I did not know but now have a beautiful sense about, him and his work; and for thoughts on aging and dying specifically and in general.
Personally I am an elder by age which seems a strange thing to even write or think about, and have faced death and have been given extra credit time here on earth. ‘Resources’ is an excellent way to frame our needs, my needs. I do not have family and my few close friends have challenges of their own. So basically I went through this process as I have much of my emotional and physical life, on my own. The good news about this is as a very HSP I was able to have quiet and arrange my environment as I still do, to suit my needs. The difficult news is that it gets lonely. I went in and out of remission 3 times in 3 years and finally was ‘cured’ of lymphoma by alternative medicine modalities. I have been well for 3 1/2 years. While lying on my couch for 6 months, meditating, affirming my life, and cleaning up my inner negative self-talk, I thought about what I would do with the rest of my life. I had lost my career, my home, income, my stepfather whom I cared for, and my companion animals within a short period of time. It was no wonder I became physically ill. However relating to meaning and purpose which I was re-defining, I decided to go forward in ‘Study’ to heal, stimulate my mind and emotions, and nourish while transforming my psyche, as well as renewing my singing for myself and others. So here I am 5 years later writing a dissertation in a depth psychological field and earning some money doing what I love, making music.
I apologize for the length of my response, but all my words are to say I really appreciated the thought and lovely feeling of this blog. Thomas Moore, one of our HSP brothers, has written a wonderful book on aging recently. This isn’t meant as a commercial promotion for either him or myself, but just to share a resource that I found to be terrifically valuable for coming to terms with aging.
Ultimately for me, meaning and purpose have been the crux of all I have been and done in my spiritually alive life within the secular activities. I agree that the benefit of reviewing and renewing meaning and purpose in one’s life is inestimably valuable.
Rest in peace Ted. Your life and legacy of work take an honorable place in our HSP history and hopefully, others will find you. Thank you so much, Elaine, for your sharing from your heart always.
Bless us all and in peace, joy, and loving compassion,
Madhuri Marelli
Beautifully put 🙂
Thank you! The article was very helpful.
So well written, thank you for this eulogy of Ted.
Please share any information regarding older people villages and co-operatives, a brilliant idea.
With love and gratitude,
Jan
Dear HSPs
I read Elaine’s comments about Ted and can feel the peace and love in it.
I am sad to hear that Ted has moved on and i will miss his input about HSP boys being a single HSP mum with two boys where my youngest (18;) ) is a HSP and those books and information have helped me heaps.
I still find it a lonely trait as even my family and friends who I tell about myself look astranged like ‘just another one if my quirky ideas’ to explain how ‘precious’ I am…
Sometime I wish the States would be closer to go to the seminars offered.
Here in Brisbane, Australia it feels very far away.
Thank you for all the work to Ted and to Elaine.
And to the aging blog – very true!
Keep walking , feeling , believing
Portia
Brisbane, Australia
So beautifully put. Thank you, as always, for your kindness, consideration, and sensitivity. I owe my sanity to you.
Thank you for your heartfelt wisdom about ageing and dying. I feel that it is so important to express our deeply processed thoughts on these topics to ease the anxiety that probably we all share at some point about these topics. Perhaps, we can really help with re-balancing our mainstream culture’s preoccupation and bias about youth, beauty and status. As I am ageing, I feel more and more my appreciation for my ongoing learning and inner growth. I feel really lucky that as an HSP, my passion for the inner life is something that I can hold onto and enjoy hopefully to the end. Perhaps we can really inspire others, who were maybe focused more on external adventures, so they would be feeling more the restrictions of the ageing physical body, to learn to appreciate the adventures and delight our inner life can hold for us. Perhaps the slowing down and the increasing awareness of our limitations in old age is something that can help us to become more present in the beauty of the “here and now moment” and learn to appreciate more what is enjoyable right now, instead of chasing always some imagined future state of happiness.
Tears. It wasn’t until a few days ago that I ever heard of him and his work. I felt an immediate connection to his work and then him when seeing him appear in a recorded video session with Melissa Schwartz in the context of her Sensitivity Summit. Not only was everything he said extremely relevant in regards to all things HSP, but I was also able to sense his kindness and kind character.
I often see the remark “gone too soon”, when someone dear and significant to us passes. Definitely to soon for me as I just “met” him. I try to take solace in the legacy he leaves behind (I’m sure to order his first book, very possibly more). May he soar in that other place, if there is one. And happy and safe travels there, dear friend whom I’d have loved to meet with and sit down for a chat in person one day.🧡
Thanks Elaine – that’s helpful and beautiful. I’m pleased you were able to share so much with Ted, and grateful for the contributions of both of you.
I have a feeling that Ted Zeff lived a meaningful, fruitfull life from your description of who was around him in his last weeks, months and days. I am aware of his body of work as well, books written on how to make it as a highly sensitive man in our culture. Even though I do not get many HSP men in my practice, I recommended looking into his body of work to the men I have seen. After showing the first film to a group of HSPs there was a question regarding highly sensitive men as though the movie left something out! So I recommended his books. I appreciate the mention and topic of aging in regard to HSPs, I wondered if there was any research in this area. I also would like more information, if possible on the “villages” mentioned in the piece. I am a licensed therapist working with HSPs, also one of those aging people who want to make the most of my remaining years being part of something bigger than myself.
I’m very interested in the idea of communal living of some kind, as a person who has chosen not to have children and has little close family. But I’m even more interested in the idea of HSP communal living! Quiet, and living without fear of those noises through the walls or ceiling that you mentioned, is as vital to me as food. I dream of meeting someone with a lot of capital to invest in a series of Quiet Communities all over the world!
I love this idea! And I would do whatever was needed to move to a QC!
What a powerful unveiling of the 2 people behind this story, both of you and Ted. I am an hsp. It’s taken me years to accept. But over time there is so much I wouldn’t trade for all the carefreeness in the world – the ability to love deeply, to profoundly care for others, to feel the bliss of the Devine and the nurturance and of love of nature. Those are my hidden truths, which this story helps me appreciate all the more. Thank you for all of your sharing.
My 10 year marriage to a wonderful women with zero understanding/appreciation of HSP men ended several months ago. I withdrew from our seafront property to a basement suite in the city with a lot of personal treasures (things that I believe HSP’s tend to collect) to sort thru. Perusing a file with material I had downloaded in 2014, not long after I discovered the HSP distinction via Elaine’s the “Highly Sensitive Person” I was drawn to “A love letter to Highly Sensitive Men'”. With my marriage behind me, I now had the time and space to feel understood, even valued as a highly sensitive men and soon found myself sobbing with grief. This article also contained the first mention of Ted Zeff and a book he was writing, prompting me to look him up immediately. Google offered many choices under Ted Zeff, including ‘Ted Zeff obituary’ which shocked me. Yes, a man that I new nothing about yet identified with, had passed away a few days ago – more tears. These words – Highly sensitive person. Misunderstood. Overwhelmed. Alone – ring so true. Yet they are buffered by deep gratitude to Elaine, Ted and others who study differences with curiosity and understanding, find meaning in them and explain HSP’s to the greater benefit of all humanity.
I really admire the idea of growing with each day. It makes the reality of time passing and getting older seem less daunting. I look forward to getting older, but then there’s the other side of knowing I’ll be closer to the end that’s a bit scary. But I feel very encouraged always hearing about these studies that older people are the happiest. It makes me think despite being aware of mortality, I’ll be happier and happier until the end.
Reading about Dr. Zeff’s passing deeply saddened me. I didn’t know him personally, but he seemed like a wonderful, insightful, compassionate, and intelligent man. I had no idea he was so involved with Amma and other Indians. I reached out to Mr. Zeff over 10 years ago after discovering his book “The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide”. I asked him about career choices and he gave me excellent advice. I was in a period of self-discovery and understanding at the time. High sensitivity was very new to me, but something I profoundly related to. My late mother was also highly sensitive to a T, but she had an extremely dysfunctional upbringing and could never fully embrace this trait. Being an Indian in conservative Nebraska, there was no support for highly sensitive people. The therapists I met here shunned the idea of high sensitivity when I introduced it to them. I felt very isolated, depressed, and alone. Ted was the first man I found on the subject of High Sensitivity. As a man, I immediately felt a connection with him. He made me feel comfortable being a highly sensitive man. His book, as well as Dr. Aron’s book, gave me much hope in my darkest hour. I will be eternally grateful for his contributions, research, and knowledge on this trait. I wish I would have communicated with him more often. The only consolation for me is that he spent his last days in peace surrounded by nature and great people. May he rest in peace.
I am 76 and new to HSP. I discovered Elaine through a Sounds True blog. Thank you so much for giving me my identity as an HSP. I immediately did the test and said yes to all the questions. So many things are suddenly clear to me from childhood “shyness” to my desire for quiet time, top floor, quiet table, etc. I have a lot to study and discover, including Ted Zeff. As other readers, I too would love to move to a Q.C. Is there a way to find more about it?
Thank you for a beautiful recognition of a beautiful being. And thank you for your careful consideration of aging and dying as an HSP. My father died a few months ago after dealing with dementia. Your insights were spot-on and thought-provoking. Thank you for helping me make sense of such a confusing and sad period of my life. Being a caregiver and an HSP is a very stressful experience. Coping with loss is, too. Yet both of these endeavors are rich with opportunities for growth and transformation. Any further elaboration or exploration you might offer about death, dying, loss, and/or grief for HSPs would be so, so helpful. I am deeply thankful for the work you do!
Sorry to read of his passing, but comforted by your remembrance of him and your deep appreciation of his amazing body of work that will live on. I feel very privileged that I was able to interview him more than once.