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The Undervalued Self

The Undervalued Self

by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.

The Undervalued Self book cover

Thinking about my psychotherapy clients, I saw something true of all of us: When we feel worst about ourselves and most need love, we are least able to believe that anyone actually does love us. Why? We are stuck in what I call “ranking mode.” We think, “He’s only nice to me because he wants to use me to get ahead.” “I don’t care what you say–I know I was the least intelligent person there.” Love and ranking are different mental worlds.

Comparisons are natural. Like all social animals, we live in hierarchies and need to know how we rank and whether we are ready to challenge or compete, or to handle another’s challenge. However, in a challenge there is always the risk of defeat. After a defeat, research finds that all social animals become depressed, showing the same physiology and behavior as depressed humans have. If we could ask them, I’m sure their self-esteem would be low. Unrealistically low. “I’m no good at all.” This innate “involuntary defeat response” serves to keep a defeated animal from continuing to fight and probably being injured.

These instincts work the same for us. Following a defeat, we tend to undervalue ourselves, leading to endless lost opportunities. After a divorce or breakup, you would naturally be a little afraid to meet new people, even though some would surely like you. After a questionable performance review, you might hesitate to offer a dramatically fresh idea in a meeting, only to hear someone else praised for the same suggestion.

Of course, life is not all about ranking. We spend as much time liking and loving each other. Mostly, however, when we are focused on rank, we are not feeling loving, and vice versa. So the easiest solution to undervaluing yourself is to get out of ranking mode altogether for a while: Focus on the people you like and whom you know like you. Switch instincts.

The switch can be easier said than done, however, and harder still after a major defeat, or numerous ones, or constant defeat in childhood. For a child, long separations, neglect, or harsh criticism, for example, are defeats. Those with all the power, the adults, do not seem to use it with love, and any power used without caring for those affected is abusive power.

After defeats, your instinctive undervaluing of yourself is usually unconscious, making it difficult to change. This book helps readers focus on “ranking and linking” so they can see it in themselves and others, and it provides tips for switching between them. Above all, it offers activities to reduce the effects of past defeats, using the methods of the best psychotherapists when working with the unconscious, something rarely found in self-help books. It took years to write this book – to make a complex subject simple and useful – and I’m proud of the results.

The Undervalued Self
by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.
ISBN: 0316066990

>> Go here to purchase.

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Announcing our newest book
The Highly Sensitive Parent

HSP Parent

New 25th Anniversary Edition
The Highly Sensitive Person

HSP 25th Anniversary Edition

Announcing the release of our documentary Sensitive Lovers: A Deeper Look into their Relationships

In this documentary, Art Aron (well-known love researcher) and Elaine Aron provide the science and advice behind the film Sensitive and in Love. Learn more about Sensitive Lovers here.

Sensitive and In Love

A feature film, focuses on what perhaps matters most: how high sensitivity affects your relationships with loved ones. Learn more and purchase the Sensitive and In Love here.

Sensitive: The Untold Story

Rent or purchase Sensitive: The Untold Story here.

Click here to learn about the Foundation for The Study of Highly Sensitive People and how you can contribute.

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The Original Book

The Highly Sensitive Person book cover

A general introduction and covers every aspect of an HSP's life. Worldwide bestseller. Translated into 32 languages. With an Author's Note summarizing the latest research.

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