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Does this work for me?

September 22, 2020 By Elaine 10 Comments

Guest blog, “Does this work for me?” written by Tom Falkenstein, psychotherapist and author reflects on the publication of his book “The Highly Sensitive Man”

On a rainy evening in London in Spring 2015, I decided to write a book about highly sensitive men. Although only a little over five years ago now, it feels to me like a completely different time – before Trump, before Brexit, before the rise of populism in politics across the USA and Europe, before Covid-19.

I had learned about the concept of high sensitivity and the research behind it in 2013 and felt that, although the topic of sensitivity came up regularly in my sessions with my male clients, it was not a topic that was reflected on bookshop shelves at all. I struggled to find a single book that focused on men and sensitivity.

Despite Elaine Aron showing that gender had no effect on the likelihood of being highly sensitive, almost all of the books I could find about high sensitivity were written by women and seemed to address first and foremost the female reader (the late Ted Zeff’s wonderful book The Strong Sensitive Boy being the much needed exception). So I decided it was high time that someone wrote the first psychological guide for highly sensitive men.

Although focused on men, it is a book that I hope female readers also find helpful and I am delighted when I get emails from women who have read the book. Inclusion has always been extremely important to me in every aspect of my life and it also applies to my writing and my therapeutic practice. I really struggle with the whole “us versus them” notion when it comes to gender. So although it is a book that focuses on masculinity, sensitivity, and tools for emotional regulation, it is of course also a book for you, no matter whether you identify as male, female or non-binary.

I was hugely lucky to quickly find a publisher here in Germany who was keen to publish the book, though a few other publishers did turn down my pitch on the basis that men won’t buy a book about high sensitivity. This assumption, I’m glad to report, turned out to be wrong.

What followed was just over two years of research, interviews and writing, while still working as a psychotherapist in London and Berlin, before the book was first published in Germany in 2017. Swedish, Dutch and English translations followed then and, while it’s been no Da Vinci Code, the sales figures have exceeded both my expectations and those of the publisher. I mention this not as a big pat on the back, but in the hope that more publishers in the future will take risks with books that might appear to go against gender stereotypes and normative thinking. We desperately need more books that focus on male identity and masculinity.

The Promotion Problem

What I didn’t think about when I chose to pitch The Highly Sensitive Man was that, once the book was finished, it would need promoting.  And this is where things became more challenging for me. Being introverted and highly sensitive, I found the research and writing part of the whole process very enjoyable and relatively easy. I always loved writing, even as a child. I remember being so engrossed in writing The Highly Sensitive Man that at one point I suddenly realized I hadn’t left the flat for three days! But when the book was first published in Germany and my publisher suggested doing some readings and interviews with journalists, I couldn’t think of anything worse. Somehow I had naively thought that my work as an author was done when I handed over the final manuscript. 

In my opinion, it is helpful in my job as a psychotherapist to be relatively private and it is something that comes easily to me as I am a private, but not secretive, person. The idea of public attention is not something that I find particularly appealing as I’m quite content with the level of attention I get from my loved ones. Having attended many book readings over the years and having spent considerable time in the company of other writers, I know that, for those who are introverted, highly sensitive in temperament and sometimes shy, this very public aspect of their job is often very hard for them and can even be disadvantageous in their careers. Why do we expect writers to also be performers these days? I suspect there is a reason why they chose a relatively solitary profession in the first place and I often find myself feeling frustrated on their behalf.

So how did I deal with the requests for promotion? Simple: I said no to everything. Readings, interviews, invitations to speak at events. I just didn’t do any of it. Although I knew I could do it (I had some experience in public speaking and had run therapeutic groups for several years) and felt flattered by the interest in the book, I also knew that I would find it overstimulating and exhausting.

This inner conflict felt like a dilemma to me. I also – again naively or idealistically, depending on your point of view – liked the idea of the book speaking for itself, it slowly finding its readership over the years without me plugging it relentlessly online or at events. At the same time, this could be the only book I ever write, so I also wanted to enjoy the process of being a published author and not turn it into something that felt like a chore. I’m usually someone who likes a challenge and a goal in life, but I also liked the idea of giving myself permission to deliberately stay in my comfort zone when it came to publishing my first book.

Taking My Own Advice about Self-Care

After about six months of saying no to everything, my thinking shifted. First of all, I started getting some feedback from male and female readers who had read the book and loved it. In addition, the book was well reviewed and foreign publishers started showing an interest in translation rights. Suddenly, I almost felt as if the book was becoming a person and I was the parent. I realized that if I didn’t cheer it on and support its way into the world, no one else would. Allowing myself to feel some pride about the achievement of having written and published a book and starting to get a sense of how important the book and its topic was to some people, also shifted my perspective. All of the sudden, I wanted to leave my comfort zone – at least intermittently. 

In the book I write about the importance of self-care, not just for HSPs, but for everyone (again, trying carefully to avoid the “us versus them” paradigm), to set firm boundaries with others, to say no more often, to ask yourself the important questions: “What do I need?” and “Does this work for me?” Instead of just saying no to all the invitations I received, I started applying these questions to the whole promotional process.

What did this look like practically? Well, for example, I asked journalists to meet me in environments that I felt comfortable in and that weren’t too busy. Because I find Zoom/Facetime/Skype video calls quickly overstimulating, stressful and never feel great afterwards, I turned these into telephone conversations or written interviews via email. I did join social media reluctantly, but decided to use my Instagram profile mainly for recommending books and connecting with readers. When I was invited to go to Sweden for a promotional trip, I asked whether I could stay in a hotel of my choice, where I’d stayed before, had a peaceful atmosphere and great, HSP-friendly lighting. And I still allowed myself to say no to a lot of offers, unless I had the hunch it would give me some pleasure or would seem like a challenge, I felt ready to face.

These examples might not seem that significant to some, or pretty obvious to others, but to me they felt like important moments of personal growth and they gave me a sense of control over the whole process. Instead of turning away completely, I found a way that worked for me and my temperament.

Finding Your Own Balance

My point is that, if you’re highly sensitive and you also find yourself in a situation that doesn’t really suit your temperament, ask yourself what you need and whether the situation really works for you. If not, maybe there is a way to change certain aspects of it to make it more enjoyable and less overwhelming for you.

Also ask yourself whether there is perhaps a relatively small but significant part of you that enjoys the challenge, that enjoys leaving your comfort zone from time to time. If so, brilliant – we can find and honor this part in ourselves too. If not, though, don’t be afraid to say no. Give yourself permission to do so. No one else will do it for you. It sounds so obvious and yet it is so easily forgotten.

Tom Falkenstein is a psychotherapist and author based in Berlin. His book The Highly Sensitive Man is out now.

Filed Under: Emotions, General, Relationships Tagged With: highly sensitive, highly sensitive man, highly sensitive men, highly sensitive people, HSP

Comments

  1. Bart says

    September 23, 2020 at 8:16 am

    Thanks for writing the book, Tom! It got me thinking about a lot of things that happened to me when I was young. Now I see them in a different light, I feel more confident about showing my inner thoughts and feelings to other people.

    Reply
  2. adna says

    October 1, 2020 at 7:54 am

    My name is Adna. And I am a professional Content writer with many years of experience in writing.

    My main focus is to solve problems related to writing. And I have been doing it for many years. I have been with several associations as a volunteer and have assisted clients in many ways.
    My love for writing has no end. It is like the air we breathe, something I cherish with all my being. I am a full-time writer who started at an early age.
    I’m happy that I`ve already sold several copies of my books in different countries like France and others too numerous to mention.
    I also work in a company that provides assistance to many students from different parts of the world. Clients always come to me because I work no matter how complex their projects are. I help them to save energy, because I feel happy when people come to me for writing help.

    Ghost Writer – Adna – http://www.sciencesforensiques.comCompany

    Reply
  3. Alane Freund says

    October 1, 2020 at 10:07 pm

    Dear Tom,
    Your book is so valuable and wonderful. We do need lots and lots of psychotherapists to read it. I have recommended it to many clients and every one just loves it. However, I think I appreciate your blog here even more. As I muddle through writing my own HSP book(s) oy! I resonate with you and your journey, and mostly I love your transparency and honesty. What a wonderful emotional leader you are.
    All my best,
    Alane

    Reply
  4. Lela says

    November 2, 2020 at 9:22 am

    Having become inexplicably very upset at something relatively minor this afternoon, I was at a loss to understand what had happened, even taking into account resonances between this incident and others in my past. It was therefore with a sense of “Aha!” that I came across this concept of the Highly Sensitive Person. I took the self-test, scoring 21, so I guess it fits! I’m feeling much better after some quiet ‘comfort zone’ time, so I guess it fits! How very helpful! I had never thought of myself as an orchid before, much preferring dandelions, but I guess I shall have to view them both differently now! Thank you.

    Reply
  5. Melanie says

    November 22, 2020 at 3:58 pm

    I need to ask a question . Last year i came upon learning that i ranked very high on being a highly sensitive person, it has caused me so much grief my whole life and im 42 now . Yes i also had a traumatic child hood so tend to have alot of traumas that affect my relationships in adulthood. I know inside that im a good person but my sensitive way has cause many relationships to fail . When i get very stressed or too many negative things happen to me at once i become an emotional basket case . I cant even handle myself . I cry, i have anxiety attacks , i think about ways to die so i can end the pain . Sp many times this has happened. Ive been on anti depressants but they numb me and then i feel nothing at all 🙁 i cant find a happy medium and frankly i dont want meds. I beed to get down to the core and be able to handle myself . Im afraid of being in any more relationships because ive been hurt so many times . My sensitive nature is too much for people. People fall for me quickly and then realize im just too much 🙁
    I get hurt over everything and im tired of all of it and i need help . I dont know to stop being so highly sensitive and i dont know how to handle my overwhelming emotions when things go bad as they often do for me . It’s absolutely exhausting

    Reply
  6. ANcLajIbEh says

    December 2, 2020 at 2:13 pm

    XpyNemhilcCbjWt

    Reply
  7. Sharon Montes MD says

    December 9, 2020 at 7:20 pm

    REPLY to Tom Falkenstein.. THANK-YOU for your blog! As fairly introverted HSP who has been slowly growing a holistic medical practice, I have found myself energized by 1:1 work with amazing patients and incredibly drained/stressed/overwhelmed by with I have perceived as the demands for PROMOTION – networking/ marketing/social media/ outreach… YOUR blog provides the ANSWER .. Be quiet/listen/and follow – path of light. See my business as a child and bring it the unconditional love that I shared with my now 21 year old daughter.. THANK-YOU.. Headed to amazon to buy your book and learn more!!! with joy and gratitude Dr Sharon

    Reply
  8. Jim Burns says

    December 12, 2020 at 1:22 pm

    I am 63 and been married for nearly 42yrs now and i have told my wife why doesn’t anyone love me or care who I am. I ask my wife why she doesn’t love me and why she does the things she does to me and why do I catch so so many people in lies? I used to work all levels of some kind of middle level security and have I caught so many people in lies so easily? FBI agents, all levels of executives to evey day people who have done wrong. Especially my wife whom I have asked a million times, “Why are you lying to me” She has turned her back on me a million times and just left me standing there all alone without understanding why she does this to me. I hate violence in movies of any kind and I can not be in crowds for more than 10 mins before everything and everyone comes crashing in on me and I just want to escape some place of peace. I have cried literally over a thousand times in my life needing some one who understand and will touch me with real love and compassion. I have so many times wanted to just drive till I ran out of gas some place where no will ever find me and just die in peace with myself cuz I am the only one who knows me. I just wish I could be with people or some one who really truly understands.. I would like to post a url of songs I have written. People always comment why I don’t write the traditional un happy songs. Now I know why I write happy songs cuz I hope a pretty girl will recognize the signs and find me and say, “I understand Jim I will never turn my back on you” and just hold me so I could feel an honest compassionate heart. Ami alone or have I found a place where there are others like me. http://www.broadjam.com/jimburns Please listen to my songs and tell what you think. Merry Christmas, Jim

    Reply
    • Tessie says

      December 28, 2020 at 9:02 am

      This world can be harsh and people disappoint us, but God loves us and never fails us. Prayers for you to overcome your suffering.

      Reply
  9. Jim Burns says

    December 12, 2020 at 1:24 pm

    I am 63 and been married for nearly 42yrs now and i have told my wife why doesn’t anyone love me or care who I am. I ask my wife why she doesn’t love me and why she does the things she does to me and why do I catch so so many people in lies? I used to work all levels of some kind of middle level security and have I caught so many people in lies so easily? FBI agents, all levels of executives to evey day people who have done wrong. Especially my wife whom I have asked a million times, “Why are you lying to me” She has turned her back on me a million times and just left me standing there all alone without understanding why she does this to me. I hate violence in movies of any kind and I can not be in crowds for more than 10 mins before everything and everyone comes crashing in on me and I just want to escape some place of peace. I have cried literally over a thousand times in my life needing some one who understand and will touch me with real love and compassion. I have so many times wanted to just drive till I ran out of gas some place where no will ever find me and just die in peace with myself cuz I am the only one who knows me. I just wish I could be with people or some one who really truly understands.. I would like to post a url of songs I have written. People always comment why I don’t write the traditional un happy songs. Now I know why I write happy songs cuz I hope a pretty girl will recognize the signs and find me and say, “I understand Jim I will never turn my back on you” and just hold me so I could feel an honest compassionate heart. Ami alone or have I found a place where there are others like me. http://www.broadjam.com/jimburns Please listen to my songs and tell what you think. Merry Christmas, Jim

    Reply

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The quarterly Comfort Zone ended in 2014, partly to give Elaine more time to write, but also because a blog seemed more up-to-date and flexible, allowing her to write new posts based on the interests of readers. If you've signed up for her list, you will be notified when she has posted anything new. Comments: While she will not answer every comment, she will read them all and, again, may be inspired by some comments to write another blog post. You will also receive emails of any important announcement rather than these showing up only in the quarterly issue. Old Comfort Zones: The many emailed Comfort Zones are still very timely. To make full use of the extensive Comfort Zone archives, the Comfort Zone section has a Google search that will find old Comfort Zone issues as well as topics in the blog posts.

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