I am becoming increasingly averse to making generalizations about HSPs because I am aware that you all vary so greatly. I want you to be true to your individual self. (That’s why I regret having made those on the “autism spectrum,” in order to distinguish them from HSPs, but that turned out to be hurtful to the individuals involved, each of them unique and some also HSPs.) So, I thought about only what is most certain to be true about HSMs.
First, HSMs develop under the influence of male genes, the main factor being testosterone. Gender spectrum aside, almost all HSMs (and men in general) are clearly biologically male. (Probably I just hurt someone’s feelings again—its good people are speaking up, but keep in mind that some of us need a while to catch up.) Of course, male and female behavior is such that many men do some things women normally do and vice versa. But hormones have to make HSMs and HSWs different in some ways. How do hormones interact with sensitivity? We do not know yet, but they surely do, and we need to learn about it. Maybe that’s phase two of the research.
Looking Back at the Evolution of Male Behavior
Another factor is evolution—what worked? We know sensitivity works enough to be present in 20 or even 30% of the population and in equal numbers in men and women. That means HSMs have been successful at reproducing themselves. How?
We know human males evolved into a strategy found in some birds and in some other mammals, which is staying around after mating to help raise their own young. This method of seeing their DNA goes on to the next generation contrasts sharply with simply mating as often as possible with as many females as possible and not staying around after. Males using this strategy protect and support their family, the mother and children, in various ways, depending on the species. So HSMs, just by being males, are protectors and supporters.
But research shows that sensitive individuals do protect and support themselves and others differently. Birds that are highly sensitive are not aggressive, hence some researchers (Korte, Koolhaus, and company if you want to look it up) call individuals in a species who are like that “doves,” wrongly, I think. I think a better term would be “strategic.” But to report the study properly, we have to go with their term.
Keep in mind these researchers are talking about differences in individuals within the same species, in this case great tits. (Yup, that’s a real bird species, very common in Europe and thus often studied.) Other great tits they called “hawks.” Great tits who are dove types are not aggressive, obviously, and explore their environment carefully. (Think of DOES.) Great tits who are hawk types do a lot of fighting and do not bother with exploring.
When there is enough food, dove types defer to the hawk types, letting them eat where they want and foraging themselves in less obvious places. When there is not enough food, dove types know where the food is! Hawk types, not having bothered to look around, do not easily find new food sources. This is brilliant strategy, even if not conscious.
I think in humans these strategies are planned, but still have an evolutionary basis. HSMs as doves-types or, better, strategic types. plan for their own and their family’s survival. They don’t want to have to fight over resources when things get tight, whether in the stock market or grocery store. They see to it, if they can, that they will have what they need. It may be about making enough money and investing it wisely, living in the right place, heading off problems with offspring, or avoiding health threats. (I’m pretty sure HSPs were among the first, on average, to be vaccinated against Covid-19 and by being careful, were hospitalized less often.)
But how do doves in a species manage to attract the other sex and mate with them without fighting for them? Turn to the Black Wolf of Yellowstone (a film about him can be found online), who was so unusual in his behavior that his DNA was treasured by geneticists wanting to study him. He was famous for avoiding confrontation, yet as his nickname “Casanova” suggests, he mated often, just by waiting for the alpha males to be absent long enough to get the apparently willing females pregnant. What intrigued everyone was his strategic sense in all matters, including the amazing sight of him, when chased by angry alpha males, crossing a paved road that he knew the other wolves would not cross, and with plenty of tourists watching from their cars. What a star. I guess HSMs can have more fun—and charm and strategic abilities. By the way, this wolf lived to be very old, finally dying in a fight with other males. Watch your back.
Bottom Line: Look out, I Have Another Acronym.
This one for HSMs:
S for strategic, or depth of processing in action, since males must act and keep an eye on other males, especially those who are more aggressive.
T for testosterone—you cannot explain an HSM by thinking he is more “feminine.”
Y for wise yielding—to live to fight (better) another day and in another way, and yielding as in “high yield” investments. (Yielding can be misperceived as weakness, but it isn’t at all—as when in the martial arts, especially judo, you use the other’s attack to defeat them almost effortlessly while preserving your own mental and physical energy.)
L for leadership—either among people (see John Hughes’s article on Why HSPs make Better Leaders) or becoming leaders in their fields, in the arts, science, business, athletics, or any field they endeavor, using their unique STYLE.
E for Empathy, which can be used in close relationships and leadership, but also in knowing, for strategic purposes, what others are up to, sometimes even before they know.
P.S. HSM as Designated Survivor
It’s no secret that I like Star Trek, all iterations except the sexist first one, but it’s not so much the science fiction. I like that all the main characters are good people–heroic, kind, etc. I only watch TV while doing my floor exercises every other day, but after watching Star Trek for so many years that I know what happens in every episode, I needed an alternative. Netflix kindly showed me other things I might like, given my liking for Star Trek, so I tried Designated Survivor. I was instantly hooked. It is a relentless thriller, which I would never normally watch and DO NOT recommend for other HSPs. So why was I watching?
The show is about U.S. politics–this quiet guy, never interested in power or fame, becomes President after EVERYBODY in the government (even the Supreme Court) is killed in a huge bombing during the State of the Union address. (Is this everyone’s secret political fantasy? That we start fresh with a good person at the top?) I didn’t know it, but in the U.S. there is always a person, a cabinet member, who does not come to the State of the Union but is hidden in a secure location, just because of this slim risk. That person becomes President if all others are lost.
It turns out this “designated survivor” (Kirkman, read Churchman) and many of those around him, inspired by him, are unfailingly good and wise, in every situation, just like the crews of Enterprise. I was hooked, even though I am overstimulated by every episode. I never watch it at night, but my exercises are taking longer and longer! The big scary problem in Star Trek is always resolved after one, maybe two episodes. This carries the scary stuff forward, so it builds and builds. Not good for going to sleep at night.
I finally had to scroll forward to see if all the good people in danger are still in later episodes! (Spoiler alert: Yes. I will do this with a very tense novel, too–read the last chapter. I know authors decide the outcomes and I will not be tortured by an author who is going to leave me miserable in the end.)
Today I got it—I’m addicted to this show because an HSM has become President, whether the show’s creator knows it or not. And the episode I just watched confirmed it. His wife was having a flashback about how he took the lowly cabinet post of Housing and Urban Affairs. He didn’t want to. He liked just being an architect planning affordable housing. He only took the job, finally, as a chance to be of service to more people. In this episode he’s also talking about his anger towards someone he had trusted who turns out to be a conspirator in the bombing and a total traitor who has lied to him constantly. Kirkman says that for the first time in his life he wants to hit someone. In fact, he’d like to kill this guy, which shocked him. He confessed to his Secret Service guard that he has never hit anyone, ever in his life. As a school kid he was always the peacemaker!
I do not know that I recommend the show, but let us know if you have any way to reach the creator, David Guggenheim, or the actors (especially the lead, Keifer Sutherland, son of one of my favorite actors Donald Sutherland, as in Ordinary People and A Dry White Season). Here I am promoting their show. They ought to at least be willing to talk with me.
I think that the First “Star Trek” TV Series is absolutely the best one (which logically includes “Star Trek: The Motion Picture”).
“Sexist”? I dislike the later and “politically correct” iterations (no other words to describe them), especially “ST:Discovery”.
I do hope that “ST: Strange New Worlds” will go “Where No Man Has Gone Before” again.
My favorite “ST” Episode ever is “The City on the Edge of Forever”.
I am a 60-year-old Nuclear Medicine/Nuclear Cardiologist, just in case, and a 100% Highly Senstive Introvert Man.
HSM must be testosterone related? And then not have any data to back it up and assume that it must be is irresponsible medicine. I have seen the opposite of HSMs with testosterone off the chart and no feminine attributes or tendency as you suggest there must be. I have also seen sensitive gay men who are fearless in any situation.
Yes, you seem to be pretty good at stepping on just about anyone you want
Heck Chris, get over yourself! Any post will upset someone. Don’t be part of the cancel culture!
Gary, don’t be ridiculous. Cancel culture has no bearing on this situation where Elaine is making some pretty extreme assertions with no scientific backup. When you are in a role and on a website that claims to have psychology as its base it is important to make arguments based on facts as anything else can be biased and irresponsible. While she paraphrased a couple of studies about great tits – probably chosen to be funny – there is no actual reference that someone could follow.
I understand this is a blog and not a research paper but taking the time to provide that research/references/data when there is an interest from a reader is a part of expanding the reach of actual science and should be encouraged. Even when you don’t like what someone has to say.
Thank you. While there are many attributes of Elaine that I find likeable, her very palpable liberal orientation is not one of them. Being highly sensitive already Carrie’s the consequence of feeling alone; the fact that so many HSPs are extremely liberal only reinforces my sense of isolation. So I try to remember that there are several authorities on High Sensitivity, and provide contrasting opinions when appropriate.
@Patricia
The reason I am responding to about five different people now is because my mind functions chronologicallly. That means step by step. Which means internet comments send me into a mental and emotional tailspin as I try to figure out what anyone is talking about. This makes in-person communication difficult and online communication an ‘event’ for me since I rarely do it. My brain is wired differently and I am on a therapy plan. (at least now I know if anyone on here calls me “r*t***ed” they can feel badly for jumping to their own bigoted conclusions.)
|
So, I am politely asking you @Patricia what are you talking about? Are you talking about the lack of direct internet links or ncbi or pubmed studies or books on/about these two studies because yes, that would be helpful. But if you’re talking about her being irresponsible in regards to what else she says outside of referring to the two studies (“(Korte, Koolhaus, and company” and “Black Wolf of Yellowstone”)”) then what are you talking about?
|
Where is she being irresponsible? You are being irresponsible for making that assertion without including your own references to the article itself. You’re arguing something and if you’re going to do that, then take a page from your own book and back it up.
|
I’m just going to list things from within this article that I think you’re talking about because you don’t provide anything beyond insisting she is being irresponsible. Which leaves anyone reading and reacting to your comment to guess what you mean.
|
“Another factor is evolution—what worked? We know sensitivity works enough to be present in 20 or even 30% of the population and in equal numbers in men and women.” I think there’s no source for this because she’s depending on the reader to have already read other research on HSP (Highly Sensitive Person)/SPS (Sensory Processing Sensitivity) themselves. What she says can be found on the wikipedia article for HSP/SPS, any time I search HSP/SPS it is what comes up, the “20%-30%” statement is everywhere. The way you phrase your comment though made me think that you were doubting what she was saying and you didn’t believe it. Now I.. I think you’re saying she is irresponsible for not providing sources for anyone who is new to HSP/SPS and reading that “20%-30%” statement for the first time. I think you are saying the onus should not be put on the audience. It is her responsibility. If that is what you meant then I would like to apologize for calling you “irresponsible” but it literally was your responsibility to be clear in the first place. But yes that was Ms. Aron’s mistake. But you’re not being clear, and I need that to understand, so… yeah. Moving on.
|
“We know human males evolved into a strategy found in some birds and in some other mammals, which is staying around after mating to help raise their own young. This method of seeing their DNA goes on to the next generation contrasts sharply with simply mating as often as possible with as many females as possible and not staying around after. Males using this strategy protect and support their family, the mother and children, in various ways, depending on the species. So HSMs, just by being males, are protectors and supporters.” This can be seen everywhere. Even in 1800, men were staying with families. It’s an endemic part of human society. I don’t understand the importance of providing a source for something everybody is aware of, but I know that people can be pretty thick-headed and need sources. I can understand why this should be sourced.
|
“But research shows that sensitive individuals do protect and support themselves and others differently. Birds that are highly sensitive are not aggressive, hence some researchers (Korte, Koolhaus, and company if you want to look it up)” Ms. Aron doesn’t provide a direct source, she puts the onus on the audience, her mistake.
|
“Keep in mind these researchers are talking about differences in individuals within the same species, in this case great tits. … Other great tits they called “hawks.” Great tits who are dove types are not aggressive, obviously, and explore their environment carefully.” She’s referring to the study. She’s not asserting anything that is not already within the study.
|
“I think in humans these strategies are planned, but still have an evolutionary basis.” Ms. Aron says “I think”. That means it’s her own opinion. She doesn’t say “I know”. Did you not see the words “I think” at the beginning of her sentence?
|
“(I’m pretty sure HSPs were among the first, on average, to be vaccinated against Covid-19 and by being careful, were hospitalized less often.)” Again, Ms. Aron’s own opinion “I’m pretty sure”. She’s literally saying something she thinks, something that she personally believes. She doesn’t need to cite a source for that. She knows there’s no research for this to back it up anyways. Do you not know this? Are you saying she has to cite a source/reference for every single thing she says?
|
Soon followed by Ms. Aron’s acronym. She’s not asserting anything in it. She’s making up her own acronym. It’s fun, it’s light, it’s meant to build confidence in HSM’s about being sensitive. It’s not meant to be a life philosophy based in science.
|
Then Ms. Aron’s enjoyment of two u.s. television series.
|
“I didn’t know it, but in the U.S. there is always a person, a cabinet member, who does not come to the State of the Union but is hidden in a secure location, just because of this slim risk. That person becomes President if all others are lost.” Ms. Aron doesn’t have to provide a source for this. That’s again like providing a source for every assertion you make even if it’s just a basic thing. I could say “I didn’t know this, but birds of paradise are all part of a family of birds.” Just… just look the d*mn thing up. It is not complicated. Lgbt+ terms, yes, complicated (provide sources for that and do not leave it up to an audience with the cruel brushoff “look it up/figure it out yourself”.) What ‘designated survivor’ in u.s. politics means though, no, not complicated.
|
“(Kirkman, read Churchman)” I have no idea what Ms. Aron means by “Churchman” so that’s on her. I tried looking “Kirkman Churchman” up and got nothing, and I don’t watch the show. I have no idea if it’s an inside joke or what.
|
“Today I got it—I’m addicted to this show because an HSM has become President, whether the show’s creator knows it or not.” It’s her own personal opinion again, that’s pretty clear. If that’s not clear to you then I don’t know what to say. I would rather trust her opinion though than somene else’s since she is the best of both worlds – a researcher and someone with first-hand experience.
@Gary
Cancel culture is not a new thing. It has been around in human society since forever, since the time of primates. It is literally “we are going to ostracize this person for a perceived wrongdoing, for violating an unwritten social rule.” Of course it can go overboard, there is always the potential for too much of something. There can always be too much of anything.
|
Harvey Weinstein? Was he unfairly ‘cancelled’ or was it justice? Whichever one you think it was it doesn’t matter; the public’s response was the basic response from a group of social animals (humans in this case) that thrive on unwritten social rules maintaining harmony. i.e. if he was let off there would be angry mobs because that harmony is not being maintained.
|
You participate in cancel culture the moment you retweet or text someone about “ugh, this celebrity, can you believe them, gross”. I do it. Your mom does it. Your grandpappy does it. Everyone participates in it because it is hardwired into your social animal dna. Social societies thrive on unwritten social rules.
|
(1.
As with anything cancel culture has it’s pros and cons. One pro is currently being flipped on the rich and powerful and calling them out for things such as ripping people off of their healthcare and costing lives.
2.
Do you call it unfair cancel culture when it is being done to someone that you don’t like? Or do you only call it that when the spotlight is on people that you do like?)
|
I disagree with everything @Christopher Bennett said because it has no basis (Ms. Aron does not say any of the things he accuses her of saying), but it was a small criticism. You call that “cancel culture”? That’s your standard? Then, really, any time you even slightly criticize someone, you’re doing it too! You’re being so hypocritical.
re: Kirkman, read Churchman
Kirk is the Viking word for Church so Kirkman=Church man, or man of the Church.
@Christopher Bennett
You want people to consider your feelings? Especially as an HSP? You’re going to have to do the same, boy.
|
You say, “HSM must be testosterone related? And then not have any data to back it up and assume that it must be is irresponsible medicine.”
I am asking you now, where does she say this here in this article? Where are you getting this from? Nowhere does she say that higher sensitivity is literally caused by testosterone or that one has anything to do with the other. (If she does it certainly is not clear.)
|
(Gender is different. I think what you’re focusing on is Ms. Aron is talking about sex. She is talking about a doctor sexing a newborn baby. Get your terms ironed out before you participate in discussion please.)
|
Ms. Aron literally says “First, HSMs develop under the influence of male genes, the main factor being testosterone.” because testosterone is what decides an embryo will form the presence of a scrotum and penis, and then appointed as ‘male’ by doctors. The more testosterone, the more likely the embryo will form male sex characteristics regardless of gender (unfortunately).
|
You continue seeming to think Ms. Aron is being close-minded when you say “and no feminine attributes or tendency as you suggest there must be.” Where does she say this? She literally says “T for testosterone—you cannot explain an HSM by thinking he is more “feminine.”” Again, where are you getting your beliefs from that she is “stepping on” anyone or being close-minded?
|
You could have asked for scientific backup instead of insulting her on what you say is a lack thereof. You could have applied the same want for patience that you experience as an HSP to your comment instead of accusing her of “stepping on just about anyone you want”. It is impossible to be gentle towards everyone’s feelings, everyone will end up insulting someone in some way, but you do have the choice to be patient and fair, which you were not. You also could have paid more attention when you read the article in the first place.
Thank you for this. I struggle with my feminine characteristics being so strong. This affirms I am OK just the way I am. (I too enjoyed Designated Survivor and thanks to you, I now know why!!)
Ditto.
@Gary Clendenon
@Justin
She doesn’t say anything about HSM’s being feminine. Nowhere does she say this.
|
The only mention of the word feminine within this entire article is when she literally says “T for testosterone—you cannot explain an HSM by thinking he is more “feminine.””
|
Anything that you’re reading to mean ‘feminine’ is coming from you. She is talking about strategy, not femininity.
@Gary Clendenon
@Justin
She doesn’t say anything about HSM’s being feminine. Nowhere does she say this.
|
The only mention of the word feminine within this entire article is when she literally says “T for testosterone—you cannot explain an HSM by thinking he is more “feminine.””
|
Anything that you’re reading to mean ‘feminine’ is coming from you. She is talking about strategy, not femininity.
Several years ago I read Highly Sensitive Person and jotted down some notes inside the back cover. I just reviewed those after reading the HSM blog. I spent my career working in industrial trades. I’ve always felt out of place in the typical “macho” roll. It’s difficult to even fake my way through. I tended to stay in the background, finding that doing my work well and without generating complaints was the best way to be “invisible”. I retired with a pension after 38 1/2 years with a company. No glorious awards, just quality work. No regrets either, just a feeling of completion. I now think of that as strategic, and upon reflection can see how it was. One of our engineers confided in me that he had been the CEO of a corporation for 20 years and that it had driven him to alcoholism and a lost marriage. He told me that he wished he had chosen my lifestyle instead. I think that in the long run being more of a “dove” in life has paid dividends in security, lower stress, and overall good health.
Unfortunately, often times the very qualities that make individuals good engineers unfit them for the rough and tumble of the executive suite.
Thanks for your blog, Elaine. 🙂
I would be interested in a table showing the traits of an HSM compared to behavior of a man living the boy code. Which brings up another thought – maybe Will can make a movie on the struggles of an HSM in a boy code world. Or one of the growth of a HSC first believing in the boy code and growing to realize that he cannot fit into that mold and must find his own way. Just a thought.
Hi Shari,
Will Harper and I are making a film about sensitive men, it’s called Sensitive Men Rising 🙂
I would be so interested in being a part of the movie in any way I can. I am a Highly Sensitive Person and a Highly Sensitive Male. So I would love to share my experiences Dr. Aron’s book and workbook came about at a time in my life where it was a true gift from heaven…At a time when I was desperately trying to figure myself out and why things kept happening to me over and over. I don’t quite agree with the theme of the blog that a Highly Sensitive Male = Femininely characteristics and you totally lost me at the Star trek talk. But maybe I’m just being sensitive?
I’m interested too! I just discovered I’m a 43 year old straight married white male covered in tattoos with 2 graduate degrees and speaks 3 languages. For 43 years I felt like a freak.
Today, I feel fine.
I ordered all her books.
My company (I’m the owner) can TRANSLATE into 190 languages and handle voice over and editing and subtitles.
Justindpickering@gmail.com (personal email)
Let me know how we can help get the HSP awareness up in other cultures especially cultures way more closed off to these notions…..
Nice work Dr Elaine!!!
This is excellent. I applaud you. I was just telling my therapist the other day I feel compelled to share the knowledge of HSPs. I have done so with friends and family, and even my PCP. Nobody had heard of this before. It is highly relevant in society and explains a lot, which can go far in the understanding/treatments of employees day to day. Nice work Justin.
Yes. Instead of assailing a perceived faulty male culture, you merely try to find your own niche.
Thank you Elaine for your research and information as always. I do personally feel the need to raise concern over the part “I’m pretty sure HSPs were among the first, on average, to be vaccinated against Covid-19 and by being careful, were hospitalized less often.)”
I would argue that many HSPs have ‘paused’ to see what adverse effects have come from the Covid injections instead of jumping right into a novel therapy with no human studies or long-term safety data. Being careful with hand washing, distancing, etc seems like a natural for an HSP in this scenario.
However, to pause and do ‘due diligence’ regarding a novel therapy with no safety data could also be considered an HSP action…. as you said before “ When we decide without knowing how we came to that decision, we call this intuition, and HSPs have good (but not infallible!) intuition. When you make a decision consciously, you may notice that you are slower than others because you think over all the options so carefully. That’s depth of processing too.” Thus, it seems one could debate from both sides around a Covid injection in this particular instance.
I totally agree with this comment. That is how I view the situation. I would be more comfortable with more information/studies before I can consider the experimental injection. There isn’t enough known& considering what is known, (for example both India & Japan are doing quite well with therapeutics) I feel taking it could be the start of lifelong “injections”. In any event , thank you for mentioning this other point of view.
Yup.
Absolutely agree. Most people I know who haven’t taken this vaccine are extremely health-conscious HSPs and have taken vaccines in the past because of this. I don’t see it’s about not being careful – just the opposite in fact. HSPs can see the nuances of the narrative that don’t stack up
From my own personal feelings regarding the vaccine, my mind saw it differently. Yes, self-preservation is very important to me, however, so are the lives of not just myself, but older family and friends that I am around on a consistent basis. I am a deep thinker however, situations like pandemic is different to me. I jumped at the chance to get the vaccine when it was released. To me, the choice was and is still clear- deal with possible effects or not from the vaccine OR no vaccine, no side effects but more likely, death.
Totally agree with you about this, and I have so many clients who feel the same… watching, listening, gathering information [that is when honest information is available] and being careful in all respects. I think hsp’s consider things very deeply and it takes time.
Also agree! This is what I thought when I read that sentence. It seems clear to me that thinking carefully about this would lead more likely to *not* accepting such a treatment, especially at this stage; but whatever the outcome, it will have come from deep reflection and careful consideration of all the available data. In addition to a propensity to wait for firmer conclusions and more information than is currently available.
Perhaps much of the difference in these decisions among HS people (about these vaccines) is influenced by other factors than temperament – i.e. upbringing, worldview, other convictions/beliefs, past experiences, friends, etc. The thing which will be the same is what I said above – the way the decision will have been made.
We could also see this in the fact that, certainly, HS people have differing political philosophies and loyalties – even while each group would wonder how the others could possibly see it any other way. I would hope, though, that as HS people, we’d demonstrate more empathy for each other in respecting those decisions.
I’ll chime in and 100% agree. A strategy of mine in life is play dumb and observe. When news reports one thing and you can go to the source and it says something different. Then Mr. I AM THE SCIENCE says something different on a weekly basis. Those throw up major red flags not counting perfectly healthy people in there 30’s that you know dropping a week or 2 after a booster. It’s a bold move cotton, let’s see how it works out for them. Without any long term studies it’s just a science experiment to me and the fact that the only person liable is the patient. It seems insane to try and force 100% into an experimental procedure and so many would sign up with no if’s, and’s or butts.
Yes, could be debated I suppose, but one could say that an HSP would stop and consider that there was research done before the emergency use of the vaccines was approved and given. An HSP would also look to the past of history and vaccines to make their decision, and would assess their risks of not getting the vaccine, and move forward with their assessment of risk to benefit ratio and make their decision on all of the above. I’m a HSW and that’s how I managed the issue anyway. And it didn’t take me long to make the decision.
TMiller I agree, HSP’s will not all respond in the same way as we are quite a diverse group. Many will have taken the flu shots quite early, others may take a ‘wait and see’ approach. Most people are of good will and will respond in the way that seems most appropriate to them for the greater benefit and/or the lesser risk, while giving the same love and respect to others who see things from a differing perspective. Some may respond differently depending on whether their elderly parents or immune-altered family members (from chemo and radiation) are still alive, or have passed prior to this epidemic, because as HSP’s we will also take note of how our decisions may affect those near to us.
So in your opinion, Alpha male is a real thing? I’ve always wondered about this. As a HSM, I’d love if you could expound more about this type of male as well.
The fact that Elaine even asks this question is very important. Technically, why should we think HSP men are any different? And yet, clearly there are differences. Even Highly Sensitive People ask this question because there obviously is an intuition and an experience that something is different.
Men experience life differently. It becomes a sense of a subset within a subset with a subset. I am sure it produces a “different” sense of praise and acceptance, and a “different” sense of isolation and abandonment. It is not just in relation to society’s traditional gender roles. or our concepts of them. It’s more than that.
I know Elaine asks this question from a place of complete non-judgement. But she is right. Even when HSP men ask, “Why am I so different?” – that question originates from a different place. It is neither automatically good nor bad.
It used to be ‘why am I so different’ with different being perceived as bad. Then it was more ‘why am I so different’ with different being perceived as good. Finally, or at least recently, I am settling towards a ‘why am I so different’ with different being just different and neither good nor bad. In other words, removing (or at least mostly removing) the qualifying judgement, disregarding (or at least less regarding of) the connotations, and just being curious and exploring – more like knowledge for its own sake. Then the ‘good’ feeling comes from not having to have a good feeling (pride) nor a bad feeling (shame), but being set free from those ‘boxes’, and instead breathing into an openness to doing more deep processing about the deep processing, having more empathy about the empathy, sensing more subtleties about the sensitivity to subtleties, and being less overwhelmed about being overwhelmed. Not self-acceptance for self-aggrandizement, but rather, for integrity and unity and stability within. Sounds ‘selfish’ on the surface but on the other hand might be very useful in an outflow to others to encourage them in their integrity and unity and stability within. And also coming to a greater understanding that compounding is also neither automatically good or bad.
Thanks so much for your work Elaine. I am in the process of deep-diving into the subject of highly sensitive men so I was pleased to see this post! 🙂
I love a good acronym especially when the pieces come together which I think they do here. For what it is worth I have outlined how my experience as an HSM provides feedback into each letter of the acronym.
S – Strategic – Depth of processing, planning and seeking protection through minimizing vulnerability sounds like the HSMs I know. I might also suggest that “Scouting” as in being out ahead, often alone and seeking information suits nicely as well…it might also be a mating strategy. 😉
T – Testosterone – Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you. There is room for better understanding the male gender role without bringing female into it.
Y – Yielding – When I am at my best (meaning present and non-reactive) then yes. Thankfully, this happens more now with age!
L – Leadership – Appreciating how others work and how they fit into the team allows differences to be a source of synergy rather than conflict. (This is also a yielding judo move)
E – Empathy – While there is no sixth sense, this is a very interesting area where it can sure seem that way when the receiver is more finely tuned than the sender.
Finally, Keifer Sutherland! You are not alone. I loved him in Designated Survivor and also in 24. As an actor he has an incredible gift to communicate and connect so much with very little dialogue. 24 is definitely not typical fare for an HSP but it was very well done. Being from Toronto, I have seen him twice but never met him. If I happen to see him again then I will be sure to arrange an introduction!
Hi – I’m an HSP man. I’ve only discovered that within the last year (I’m 60). You book helped free me of so much confusion.
One comment – in thinking about “Why I’m an HSP”, I think it’s because my senses are acute that others. I”ve always been bothered by strong smells, sounds and images. And so, while you’re books describe strong sensory awareness as an attribute of being an HSP – have you ever considered that humans become an HSP because they have higher than average sensory awareness, and that our HSP personality traits develop as a result of us trying to process/deal with/escape those strong perceptions?
This is not inconsistent with your findings in your books, but it is a nuanced difference in the cause for being an HSP. And, it might not be the only reason for being and HSP. However, I do think that some percentage of HSP’s become so, because of their sensory sensitivities.
Thanks.
Hi Eliana, i am a 27 year old male. My empathy is overwhelming, if I get in a fight, even if I have great reason for it, I feel bad for hurting the other male after the fact.
I am a Great leader in situations that I have had ample time to become the best at and therefore I can lead my teammates to the correct play style.
I analyze and over analyze people interactions to make sure what I’m saying will be accept and not rejected.
I struggle with depression because of this and alot of people unintentional hurt me.
I feel the greatest highs and greatest lows.
Video games help me retreat and suppress my over analyzation.
As I write this I want to delete it and go to a bunch of research because I have fears of saying the wrong thing. I will suppress that feeling for the sake of conversation. I would really appercatie some feed back through email if possible.
You really described most of my emotions perfectly!
Hi Casey, I’m an HSP female and you just described my entire personality. I’ve spent years in therapy constantly complaining how others hurt me, but I’m realizing now, as I’ve often said to my therapist, it must be something about me. Why would so many hurt me? They have no reason to. I understand now it’s my HSP and it makes so much sense. My therapist led me to this article and reading all the posts, I feel like I’m home. Now, I can begin the work of really living as an HSP in a more meaningful way.
Thank you for the recommendation! I dove into Designated Survivor and I’m very sure I’d never have done so had I not read of your experience with it. It’s fun and enjoyable to have a shared joy with another HSP. I think your descriptions of it are spot-on.
🙂
Elaine, Thank you so much for all the work you do. Last night I watched the film sensitive and as soon as it started my hair stood and I had goosebumps all over. I too loved the water and wouldn’t let go of the pool ladder or steps until I was six years old. I’m so relieved and comforted knowing that I belong to a special group of people with a inherited trait. I’ve always felt like I was gifted and that this wasn’t just a curse but a very beautiful blessing. It’s definitely genetic as I can recognize that my father, grandfather and my son are all HSM’s. I was once told by a friend of mine when we were probably fourteen years old that my ancestors were the one in the village who would warn the other villagers to some coming danger and that I too was a very observant person. I’m happy to be able to find support and help with management of the negative aspects and feel more comfortable embracing the gifts I have. I’ve known I was gifted and could feel what others feel and have the foresight and intuition to see and recognize things to come. Thank you again and I’m excited to begin reading your book as soon as it arrives.
Elaine wrote: “I’m pretty sure HSPs were among the first, on average, to be vaccinated against Covid-19 and by being careful, were hospitalized less often.”
This is what I have been wondering from the start of the pandemic: Could it be that Covid-19 leaves the humankind with relatively more HSPs than before?
This sounds exactly like me(HSW) and my son. I know exactly how you feel. It’s hard for me to navigate this world.
Same here Brandy. How old is your son? Mine is 12 and much more emotionally mature than other boys his age. He gets called too sensitive sometimes, which of course he really takes to heart. He has friends but they aren’t sensitive at all…why he always gravitates to these types is surprising. Maybe there’s some sort of subconscious reason…his Dad is also the polar opposite of sensitive and empathic so they are like oil and water, unfortunately. I tell my son he’s going to make a great boyfriend to some lucky girl one day (and I absolutely dread his first heart break).
I give thanks to Elaine and all of you for communicating to me a topic that I have never been able to grasp fully until recently. I always assumed that I am somewhere on the autism spectrum because of the difficulties I have with people and my environment. I am not sure what has been written about HSP babies but certainly I must have been one of them – difficulty in feeding and falling asleep, didn’t like being picked up too much etc. I was quite a loner as a child and because of this my parents sent me to nursery to mix with the other kids. I felt so overwhelmed, I just cried all the time. I was taken away in the end to my relief. Starting school was a nightmare, I developed a stutter either due to just nerves , but also possibly because I was forced to write with my right hand. As a left hander I felt also awkward doing certain tasks and self conscious, so doing knots at cub scouts was very stressful and embarassing as I didn’t want to admit that I was left handed. I hated any kind of team sports as a child and preferred to play quietly. The beginning of a new school term was overwhelming, trying to navigate where the new classes were going to be was super stressful. Revising for exams was also stressful, and often gave up and then stressed that I wasn’t ready for the exam. Having too much food on my plate is too much for me, I Prefer to put little pieces of food and take more when I need it. Going on holiday is also stressful, not knowing where everything is, new people to meet etc. For that reason parties are a problem for me, I feel totally like a fish out of water and feel that everyone is having a much better time, and that fulfills my own prophecy that I am not worth knowing. My question to anyone who is further down the road perhaps in their awareness of HSP issues, is being left handed a particular trait?, being overwhelmed with studying?, and reading people’s faces very closely before asking them a question or a favour. thanks for reading this and look forward to reading any feedback
Hi Paul, I am sorry for not being able to answer your questions. But I am glad that you have found Elaine’s work. When I first read The Highly Sensitive Person, I remember nodding page by page and saying, yes, yes, this is me, why has nobody told me before! My life began to change when I realized that I am different from other people and there is nothing wrong about it. I just need to take care of myself and regard my sensitivity as a trait that is a blessing but sometimes a problem as well.
Might you be Finnish by origin? The first part of your surname would suggest it. I myself am a Finn and live in Finland.
I am not further down the road but rather at the beginning. I am a mom of a very sensitive 6 year old boy who does happen to be left handed. I am also curious if this is something common. Eating and sleeping were big struggles from the beginning. Currently he only will go to sleep if I hug him until he falls asleep. I definitely see him very easily overwhelmed if something is hard and he doesn’t persevere because he doesn’t want to fail. He doesn’t do anything without thinking very carefully and it takes him a long time to do simple things. Are you a college student? I would love any suggestions of things you wish your parents had known. I struggle with coddling him too much or giving him tough love. I would love any advice!
I don’t normally cry out of sadness, but I cry when something is done right, or done nobly or done with honor, or done with great sacrifice, or great love, etc. Decades ago I took the time to memorize Banjo Paterson’s “The Man from Snowy River.” Since then I have recited it hundreds of times to myself while working on projects in the garage or driving alone in a car. Anyway, a couple of months ago my 18 year old daughter learned I could recite it from memory and she thought it would be a lark to hear me do it. She found me in the kitchen, cornered me, begged, and I obliged. She sat down on a stool and I stood in front of her and began… “There was movement at the station, for the word had passed around, that the cold from old Regret had got away,” …From that beginning I held forth for 5 minutes or so reciting through most of the verses of the poem without event. But then, oh no, I got to the part near the end where it goes… “But his hardy mountain pony he could scarcely raise a trot, He was blood from hip to shoulder from the spur; but his pluck was still undaunted and his courage fiery hot, for never yet was mountain horse a cur.” At that point I paused. I had to. My voice had cracked and wouldn’t go on. I was surprised to find myself stricken by the beauty of the poem that I had known so well for so long. I looked and saw that my daughter was wiping a tear away that she didn’t want me to see. She was moved by the talent and sacrifice and accomplishment of that simple horse and rider. Seeing tears in her eyes made me get all choked up myself. Moved by the wonder and beauty of the poem and also by the lovely effect it had on my daughter I was helplessly caught up in the story and in the moment. I tried a couple of times to continue where I had left off…”And down by Koskiusko, where the pine clad ridges raise, Their torn and rugged battlements on high,”…But I couldn’t do it. I kept breaking down and sniffling and ultimately I didn’t finish it at all. We both had to leave the room, and she’s never heard the end. Not from me anyway. It was one of those unforgettable, beautiful moments in life. So, I, for one, am glad I’m an HSM and I consider it to be a rich blessing from on high.
That was beautiful, started getting teary eyed reading it. II feel Elaine Aron has in a way saved my life. i went through a period of depression wondering why I am like I am. I am a 69 year old male married almost 39 years and going through therapy with an HSP therapist. My wife is the opposite of me and hard for her to understand the things she has said that I find so hurtful and our marriage is in the worst place ever. At some time I would like to post more to see if others can relate. I am pressed for time right now, we’re visiting my sister about 5 hours away for the weekend and need time to organize my thoughts before I can post more. Both her and her husband have in the past year gone through radiation and chemo for different kinds of cancer and so this is going to be an emotional weekend. Thanks for that beautiful story JR, it has made my day and keep me going through the weekend knowing there are men like you.
JR that is a simply beautiful story, you and your daughter. I am glad you both had that moment together
Thank You so much!! I enjoyed reading this Article, and all the Comments, from an HSW. Ever since learning about HSP, myself, and all the Pain, and Trauma, I was left, growing up with, in my Childhood, and all the Scars, it left, not understanding about it? It leaves me more determined, than ever, as an adult, to learn as much about it, as Possible, to have HSP work for me, as opposed to against me, in whatever time, that I have left, on this earth!! So, Thank You, so much Elaine Aron, for all this Research that you did, back in the 90’s, so, that others of us, actually get the chance, to understand more about this Trait, that otherwise, Plaqued us, in our Past!!:)
With greater societal inclusion around sexuality and gender, men are slowly moving away from the rugged individualist & toxic masculinity models, further supported by women affirming sensitivity in men. An encouraging era to live in!
Thry are changing slowly, more slowly dare I say than the change in attitudes towards and acceptance of the LGBTQ community, which according to what I’ve read only comprise about 6% or less of the general population, as compared to 15 to 20% (or 30%?) for the HSP population. As an HSP heterosexual male I find that both confounding and depressing, but not very surprising.
Re-reading my comment I kinda sound like Dave Chappelle. Yikes. Not my intention.
Kevin, I believe the LGBTQ community has, dare I say, suffered more and have pushed and shoved for more inclusion and acceptance, hence the spotlight is seemingly more on them. HSPs, I think, would never clamor so loudly haha. But the fight against toxic masculinity is happening as we speak, it’s just tougher because they’re seen as tougher, alphas, leaders, unapologetic go-getter unfettered by silly things like “feelings” and “empathy”. Blue collar jobs seem to breed them, I swear
I learned of High Sensitivity in May through the University of London’s adult schola, Birkbeck College, in The Weekend University, a monthly Sunday Seminar series mostly keeping counsellors up to date.
In my case, I’ve been adjusting to a disclosure which created a fundamental conflict in me, between a 2015 diagnosis and my life values, which made a serious contribution to the team I was part of winning the 2012 Nobel Peace Prize. That and my native wit drew the attention of Harley Street’s medics, who convened a panel to test me. Aged 60, I was diagnosed with an IQ of 153-4, mild high-performance Aspergers, and hyperperception. That last was in recognition of an event which occurrped in plain view of the panel during the testing, demonstrating my claims in the Peace Prize contribution, when I handled a major strategic issue by digging my prepared response from file: I’d prepared a complete response over the previous 6 months, without any tangible evidence the question would even arise, let alone come my way. On the other hand, I’m an experienced seer medium, dealing with exactly that kind of dumbfounding Prior Preparation at the highest levels of Defence Diplomacy for the European State Department for over 20 years – the edge which won the Prize.
The result of the empirical evidence was the extension of the study to include an MRI, which showed a physiologically normal brain running hyperactively, and then a 24-hour EEG, which confirmed it was 30% active at rest, running to near 100%, with only vestigial beta phase sleep.
The Panel made one imputation from this, that at peak, my IQ would have been in the 160s. My response was to ask for more papers in elucidation, which were not forthcoming, because as far as I can see, the study of the top end of the bell curve had not at that point started. I’ve spent the last six years drawing my own conclusions. The first was puzzlement about the Aspergers: how could it be that I was simultaneously one of the brightest humans born, and intellectually challenged (given the DSM has to all intents and purposes dismissed Aspergers)? Looking at the history of the diagnosis, I discovered a cesspit of prejudice, starting with Hans Asperger sending his subjects to the gas-chamber after identifying some folk could see through the Nazi fraud, then continued in the 1970s reaction to liberal refutation of the persistent militarism (Flower Power in response to McCarthyism, for example, as a worked example of the wider social revolution which came to a head in 1968), most specifically in the similar question in the educational community, “Why are some pupils disruptive in class?”, ie non-conformant, not good little soldiers? Dabrowsky’s “over-excitability” theories missed an essential point: he was comparing the kids with their self-righteous teachers. I saw it for myself: my teachers were far more aligned with the slowest in my class and unable to give me direction. Those who can, do: those who can’t, teach, the maxim has it: had they put the cart before the horse? Shouldn’t the question rather be, “Why can’t we meet the educational needs of our brightest pupils?” Of course a bored adolescent becomes disruptive, and to add to it the system became pathologically traumatic: Stephen Sondheim nailed it perfectly in West Side Story, Gee Officer Krupke, “No-one wants a fella with a Social Disease.
I now come to where we are now, deciding that we are unable to be neurotypically conformist. Neurodivergent, ostracised, outside society, in the ancient tradition which usually saw us burned at the stake, drowned or hanged. As the lead consultant who diagnosed me said, the only miracle in my life is I didn’t have a criminal record a mile long.
So, after years of studying myself, what conclusions do I have? Firstly, that Doctor Aron’s study doesn’t go far enough by half. My brain doesn’t just process my experience live-time, making me very fast indeed on the uptake compared with Norman Normal, who processes it in batch, in beta phase sleep overnight (and thereby reduces the available memory he has by up to half, from 10% to 5%), but it also picks up on far more detail. Yes, I score highly on intellect, left brain, but both sides of my brain are hyperactive. What about the right? Well, I’ve quite a record in music, which we can go into another time, but what I really want to look at is a developing field of psychology, perception. As things stand, it’s been developed far beyond the five senses, firstly in 1940s French existentialism, then into sub-classification: neuroception (we don’t just think, we perceive what we’re thinking: physiologically the mid-brain gyri report to the limbic amygdala), interoception (how our bodies feel), proprioception (awareness of our immediate surroundings, closely linked to the periaqueductal grey’s pre-filter of sensory input at the heart of the Innate Alarm System, in the basal ganglia, the lizard brain at the top of our spine), and exteroception (our perception of the rest of the universe). To this I add Transception, awareness of the intangible, recognising Abraham Maslow’s thinking in the domain he called the transpersonal, at the peak of his pyramid of aspiration. In my case, I test at master level in Reiki, having a very similar background to Usui’s circle a hundred years ago in Japan: I’ve used long-distance empathy in diplomacy, learned some control of my meridians from accupuncture thinking, and tie it together in zen christian meditation, finding a root in Lao Tzu’s aphorism, Blessed are the meek (Tao te i-ching, c200 years before Christ’s Beatitudes). This love-driven dynamic is pure right-brain. It’s therefore no surprise that the completion of Mahatma Gandhi’s unfinished business fell to me: my mother was Krishna Mennon’s PA. The exact process was a trip to the local supermarket in Brussels, guiding visitors: while they were doing their shopping, I waited, dropping into light meditation, as is my wont, and picking up a staffer (whose daughter was in my lass’ class at school) wandering past seeking a friendly Englishman to help a customer who didn’t speak French. I answered the need, and the customer then enquired my profession: it turned out he was also a diplomat, and they’d spent weeks trying to contact us. At supper, a most astonishing proposition was tabled, which I was in a position to finesse, through my mother’s work and my own synergetic encouragement, into the full unfinished business. Javier Solana’s reaction, as the European Secretary of State, was utter astonishment: I’d passed the draft deal on through his Brit aide, in the simplest of terms, “Call this number and listen carefully to what they say”.
High sensitivity, indeed, but far beyond our host’s “accessible” bounds. I mentioned the medium gift, which works by channelling the numinous according to it’s needs, not mine: this was actually triggered by a Church seminary, from a foundation very similar to that described by Samuel, in the Old Testament: the numinous is very real, and has on occasion forced my hand to follow a path created long before my birth. No step in my development was ever beyond my capacity to handle, yet the total was astonishing: and yet not one of them was something I sought. That was my path, and I’m leaving it vague because no two such vocations are ever identical. That very word, vocation, in it’s most literal sense, a response to a call, not in words but in the heart, is surely the epitome of high sensitivity, and very much at the heart of third-sector medicine – but we’re not followers, signing up to be good pupils, but leaders.
Is your music available online anywhere? You’ve piqued my interest, sir.
Yikes.
You should always be concerned when someone is the best at everything, one person away from multiple famous people, and seems to know everything about everything, y’all. Not only all that!… oh I’m also psychic. And a master at braying God in chess while balancing elephants on our right nipples.
Thats not HSP, but I won’t say what it is. I would questions whether or not perhaps a quick jaunt to ones psychiatrist may be in order?
Having given a generic declaration of interest, I’d now like to turn to the issue of gender differentiation. The abuse I suffered as a child put me in protective measures which allowed me to grow: by 23, the UK élite Special Forces had noticed me, making an unsolicited job offer, which I didn’t take up, because I was every bit as competent as they thought and rumbled the nature of their political masters. Indeed, the very first thing I did in the military was find the uniforms sought by Dickie Attenborough for the filming of Oh! What a Lovely War: lions lead by donkeys, indeed. It earned me my first salute, from the cast, the cream of British stage – I’ll leave it to you to research. A couple of years pass, and I come to the Foreign Secretary’s attention for an initiative which made the Falklands War winnable. Another year or so and I prove my worth in the Libyan Embassy siege: it made for an interesting conversation a few years later when I met up with half the gang who took the Iranians down. Next came my metamorphosis from hyperserendipitous to hyperperceptive, and then the stepwise growth I talked about in my declaration. Walking home that evening, full of praise and thanks to have been privileged to land that, I couldn’t help but extrapolate: it was imputable that having handled something global, the next would be eschatologic, and so it proved.
Notice this: I’m describing the growth of a serious Alpha, but one rooted in mediaeval values of groundedness. Humility, a servant spirit before the Almighty. An oak tree rather than the sparrow perched on the topmost twig. As my namesake in the Bible said, before I was born, You were shaping me.
This moves me on to the commonplace, “we think differently”. If that were true, we wouldn’t be able to understand them. What my MRI showed is I think more, by a factor of more that ten, so a neurotypical can’t hope to follow me. Nor can I use his mindmodels, I think far more widely and deeply, which means I roll my own, taking time – this makes me seem obsessive. I’ll refer you to Craig Wright’s textbook for the Yale University Genius School, The Hidden Habits of Genius. Where I am different is in two counts, the X-Skills, and the values that scope brings. What I sometimes wonder is whether half of neurotypicality ever seriously think at all! Instead, they’re spoon-fed, Ten Things You Need To Know About Life, The Universe, And Everything: 1. Bring a towel….
What I’m talking about, of course, are peer-group norms, the root of so much tribal strife. Libbies versus BLM. Or whatever. Join my gang! No, have some glue. Most of us got driven out in adolescence, and that defines the males above all else, because we become Alphas or die, quite literally. We learn to project certainty, and to mask our weaknesses, in a way women don’t, because they don’t have that killer instinct. We ape normality, and constantly move before the game is discovered. This is pissibly why there are fewer women diagnosed, male polyvalence stands out in a way female doesn’t.
And that brings me to another common trait Greta Thunberg first pointed out. We don’t have childhoods, because childrens’ books are inadequate: I was into the adult section of the public library aged 7, and tested with the General Knowledge of a 14 year old at 8y6m. We build our own foundations as generalists at near-doctoral level in all non-ephemeral subjects, making it easy to dive past there into any speciality as needed. We need advanced, concise texts to cut the waffle out. I’m not interested in opinions, those are definitive of experts, ex=has-been, spurt=a drip under pressure. If you don’t know and can’t demonstrate, you’re a waste of time. But above all else, create a Xavier Academy, for those whose powers are uncanny.
What you say about a softer approach sums up my response to the news we’d won that Prize. I snorted, muttered, “That’s not why we did it” and went back to sleep. If it wasn’t for the fact Gandhi was my spiritual grandfather, then I’d not make a fuss, but he was, and my hand’s forced. Mum was PA to his High Commissioner in London, and it rubbed off. A top IQ? I never knew, and regret knowing now. A Veteran? I’m told I should be proud on all 3 counts, but get no credit, so what’s the point, particularly when getting there took the opposite tack.
Wow Jeremy Main, what a fascinating account of your trajectory, erudition and neuroception. An unexpected delight!
I’m a 50 year old male and just realized I’m a HSP. Always thought maybe I had low testosterone and was on the very low end of the autism scale (I still may be), but Highly Sensitive Person encapsulates my traits perfectly. An empath, (functional) manic depressive, high IQ, HSP. For better and for worse, I’ve passed on my best and worst traits to my 4 year old daughter. I have some reading to do. Best advice for being the father of a HSP daughter? Peace.
What movie about HSM is Elaine referring to? I don’t see a title mentioned in the text or the comments. Thanks!
I think it’s this documentary:
https://tubitv.com/movies/330153/sensitive-the-untold-story
It may be my upbringing, and being male, but the term ‘sensitive’ unfortunately carries with it a sense of ‘vulnerability’ or ‘weakness’ for me.
I see HSPs as highly attuned instruments, more like a sword than a club. You can snap a sword easier than a club, but you can be more precise with a sword than a club.
Instead of ‘highly sensitive’ I use terms like: attuned, receptive, perceptive, aware, and sharp.
Sometimes I wonder if non-HSPs and HSPs are the same, but HSPs have more self-awareness. E.g. a HSP might recognise they feel uncomfortable due to loud music, while a non-HSP might be uncomfortable due to loud music but not be aware of the cause, and therefore are more likely to ‘act out’ to manage it (drink more heavily, transfer the annoyance to another person and start an argument, etc.)
Do HSPs feel more or are they just more aware of their feelings? HSPs tend to both be aware of their own feelings and the feelings of others, which suggests increased self-awareness.
Or is the above thinking a cope so I can avoid feeling more vulnerable than others?
I need to read these books of your and watch these documentaries!
I ended up here after a basically failed google search for alpaa personality hsp. I’m an alpha female and it’s only occured to me in the last few years that I’m an hsp. No one calls me sensetive. They just call me a bitch. They say rude, blunt things to me and asume it doesn’t bother me. Little do they know that EVERYTHING affects me. This leaves me feeling super isolated and very misunderstood. It always has. In fact,
I remember since my early 20s trying to articulate what I wanted out of life/social relationships always boiling down to: I was to feel unaffected and never misunderstood. I would really like to read accounts of other hsp alpha WOMEN like me bc this combined with the fact that I always test as ENTJ leave me feeling like a total and complete freak. I try bc Ultimately I believe in the oneness of all things,
But I really am left feeling as if I’m an anomaly I’m nature.
I need to read these books of your and watch these documentaries!
I ended up here after a basically failed google search for alpaa personality hsp. I’m an alpha female and it’s only occured to me in the last few years that I’m an hsp. No one calls me sensetive. They just call me a bitch. They say rude, blunt things to me and asume it doesn’t bother me. Little do they know that EVERYTHING affects me. This leaves me feeling super isolated and very misunderstood. It always has. In fact,
I remember since my early 20s trying to articulate what I wanted out of life/social relationships always boiling down to: I wish to feel unaffected and never misunderstood. I would really like to read accounts of other hsp alpha WOMEN like me bc this combined with the fact that I always test as ENTJ leaves me feeling like a total and complete freak. I try bc Ultimately I believe in the oneness of all things,
But I really am left feeling as if I’m an anomaly In nature.
This “unforgettable encounter” is what initiated my research into HSP. (I am looking at what journals to submit the formal paper right now.) This encounter suggested the “vantage sensitivity” or what happens when you have two folks who can hold this level of energy.
Enjoy:
Unforgettable Encounters
Have you had extraordinary moments of connection with someone during an Integral event? An unforgettable moment you replay over and over again in your thoughts? A moment so rich in love and desire that it sends you out looking for this connection again? An extraordinary moment that takes up life-long and permanent residence in all the locations in which memory resides?
My unforgettable moment began routinely enough as a simple 1:1 exercise during a presentation at IEC 2018 in Hungary. I was partnered with Szandra Vereb…she was sitting close-by. Neither of us had any idea how we would be transformed by the energetic coalescence that was about to emerge. An energy that persists to this day in every chat and email sent from thousands of miles away. An energy that instantly returns us to a sacred place. An energy that altered the course of my research interest (We-Space and Highly Sensitive Person) that I can trace back to this encounter. It could have been overheard as just casual conversation. Not all that remarkable. What did she say?
I am pregnant
“I am pregnant” are the words Szandra revealed setting the stage to ignite a flood of interpersonal resonance on that momentous day. A dynamic resonance where our widely separate life experiences were co-mingled in an instant. A resonance that was dependent upon two people who could hold open the container that cradled it. My response…only 3 more words. Words densely infused with 25 years of memories and experiences from raising two daughters that unleashed a torrent of energy.
Oh my God.
Ignition…we were both stunned and silenced by the non-verbal resonance that swirled within the field. Neither of us had language that could keep pace with what was co-emerging, about the future for Szandra and the past for myself… all in an energetic collision in the present moment. I can remember nothing that was said in these initial moments. Five minutes later (after the exercise ended) still reverberating from the experience, Szandra was able to say something…
What was that?
Only those 3 more words…I had very little to offer. Certainly nothing approaching a coherent explanation to her question.
Two years later, having replayed and contemplated this encounter, revealed to me the following. It took two people with deep subtle awareness (including embodiment capabilities) to co-create this moment. I later learned that one of Szandra gifts is ecstatic dancing. I have found that dancers and singers are especially good at embodiment. In retrospect, I realize that her three words, “I am pregnant” could hardly hold the energetic love and the multitude of dreams of most first-time mothers; words that carried a primordial imperative to produce the next generation; words revealing an evolutionary declaration that was building for years to fulfill this very purpose.
“Oh my God” was my initial contribution. Three words that strained under the tension of countless moments of love and joy that can come with being a parent. Potent memories exuding endless love…like when my daughter told me to look for the sunshine flowing-up from her throat and out from her mouth because I had previously told her that’s what happens when you eat papaya. Those knowing looks parents have with each other… joy, sadness, hope… that come with the deep devotion to one’s children.
All of this, both the future and the past, faithfully focused and witnessed into an energetic present, between two strangers. Two sentient beings who showed-up and co-constructed a container in an instance, in which the energetic field fully formed. Two strangers who didn’t contract, who’s deeply held feelings were exposed in a moment of unsettling joy. Strangers no more, inexorably connected. An unforgettable encounter.
What an eye-opener. The part I loved most about your post is this: “T for testosterone—you cannot explain an HSM by thinking he is more ‘feminine.’”
Being a HSM myself, I always thought I indeed just had more feminine energy, given that a lot of my behaviors seemed feminine. Or at least not as aggressive as the other males I encountered around me. Yet, I could sense that masculine energy was my dominant energy. It was, as you said, just more hidden and much more strategic, but my perseverance was just as strong.
I personally believe that strategic nature of ours, HSPs in general, is one of our greatest strengths. Sure, it has its disadvantages because it alone can overwhelm us, but the usual aggressive not well-thought-out approach seems even more difficult to me.
Speaking about wolves, even the Alpha never feels “secure”. He always has to watch out for rival alphas and sleep with one eye open. I bet he feels overwhelmed as well 😉
I laughed so loud ( thank you! ) I used to watch/read some trillers ( toxic relationship here loving/hating) and doing kind of the same but can’t skip any part ( I feel like cheating) it means read/watch for 7 hrs or 10hr non stop 🙂 next day the same until I know everyone is safe 😀 ( ok, it’s easier to cheat in books) I had decided to stop watching TV, 15 years ago. But I can pick ‘easy movies’ ( the commitment is 1.5/2 hrs) so I am safe 😉
I got what is called ‘Long Covid” If someone know what is that for a HSP affected my nerve system ( now little by little back to almost what I know is normal) If someone got the same will be good exchange experiences 😉
Your work was so groundbreaking because it provided an evolutionary/physiological explanation for the HS traits, which countered the cultural narrative that we were emotionally or psychologically defective. I think this also relieved some (but not all) HSMs of the belief that there was something wrong with their masculinity or sexuality, a belief ingrained in many of us by our parents, siblings, teachers, etc., and by society at large starting from the earliest age. Without that evolution/physiological explanation I doubt many HSM would accept the concept (and many still will not accept it because of the cultural bias against it is overwhelming). Theorizing that hormones are responsible for behavioral differences in HSM (& HSW) can be interpreted as meaning HSMs are not true males (i.e. are less than) compared to non-HSM males, which is not helpful. It feeds the cultural narrative that we are not real men. That is a powerful condemnation that probably most HSMs have dealt with their entire lives and is perhaps the most damaging aspect of being an HSM in addition to all the other societal bias and prejudice associated with it.
“Hormones have to make HSM & HSW different in some ways.”…but we don’t yet know how? I’m not sure I agree with that hypothesis. How do they make LGBTQ different? Does science know? There is so much variability in behavior in each population that it seems hormones might not be the driving force behind HSM behavioral differences. Instead perhaps genetic changes in the nervous system and brain in both HSM & HSW driven by evolution are the primary causes of non-cultural behavior differences in HSM – not hormones. The one shared behavioral difference in HSMs that seems to stand out above others is their general non-aggression, which culturally can cause them a lot of problems in all areas of life because it contradicts normative male behavior. I think this is a carry over affect from how their brains and nervous systems are wired differently, not their hormones. It’s such a sensitive subject for men (and women) because it goes to the core of what it means to be a male in society, at least culturally, and likely has negatively affected many, if not most HSMs.
I am 52 years old, and have also felt/known that I was different from the others – especially the kids I grew up with. Now, I realize, I may not have been alone. I doubt any of my friends, or family. realized I was different, because I did whatever I could to hide it, or fight it. I always sat in the back of the room if I had a choice (I still do). I never spoke up that much in class, and it always seemed to take me longer to make friends. I always preferred to observe and study than be at the forefront. The world “speaks” to me – I notice things about my surroundings that most people don’t – I am fascinated by the things that are hidden – that are, a lot of times, in plain sight to me, but hidden to most people. I feel things in the air, I pick up on people’s/animal’s vibes, I notice synchronicities. And, I can tear up at almost any given time. A lot of these characteristics have annoyed, angered, confused, or embarrassed me my whole life, because it’s not, what I was taught, the way that men/boys are supposed to be. Anyway, it is nice to know that, as a male with HSP, I am not alone. Also, I am not closely related to Donald, or Keifer, but I have been told my whole life – since I was a teenager – how much I resemble Donald Sutherland!
I had never heard this term till I started searching tonight “why does a man cry so much”
I’d felt it for a long time, watching TV, speaking to friends and hearing their problems or thinking about the past mistakes I had made and struggling so hard to fight tears, trying to control my face and voice so it wouldn’t appear I was crying.
And I’ve always known I’m empathetic, or at least I knew it from a young age, I’ve felt it, seen it and used it at work. I’ve been in the same workplace for 20 years and worked in many different departments with many different people. Sometimes there have been people who others would “hate” and whilst I’m laughing saying this I’d agree with them but at the same time trying to reason with them to see it from the person in target’s point of view and how it must feel to be them.
And then I think, is HSP just a term to make people like me feel a bit better about themselves?
I grew up in a very stable family life, working class and loving parents and a loving extended family who spent a lot of time together and supported each other. I am lucky I have no sad story to tell although I was an anxious child with a stutter as I was growing up. I can be very confident but also shy and I’m aware of that and I’ve been very hard on myself for not fulfilling my potential, in my view wasting it somewhat. I know I have a good job and comfortable for the lifestyle I wanted but could have done so much more. I’ve been told several times I think too much but I would never change that.
There’s a lot of “I’s” in what I just typed, again I am thinking too inwards, I don’t think I’m self obsessed and I don’t think I lack testosterone either. When I was young I was stupidly involved in fights with other men, not that testosterone is defined by being aggressive.
If I am what is termed as an HSP, I think it means someone who overthinks what is right and what is wrong. Overthinks is probably the wrong word, maybe if there were more of us (if that is what I am) the world would be a happier place, or maybe that is self obsessed!
I think the piece that’s missing and needs to be addressed for HSP men is that the toxic expectations of men in modern culture is extremely damaging to them. The stigma for feeling emotions other than anger causes them to suppress their natural being and feel like something is wrong with them. This leads to more illness than they would have if they were allowed by society to have tender feelings. I think this is a problem for all men, and that many are more sensitive than they realize because they have squashed that part of their nature to be seen as strong rather than sensitive.
What is the difference between a HSP man and a sissy who was raised by women (mom, grandma, daycare women, pre-school women, school women teachers, no men in sight) and had no example of a real man to learn from in childhood? Honest question.
I can’t praise Dr. Aaron enough for bringing the HSP phenomenon to the forefront and for raising public awareness of its biological basis.
This isn’t to say I’m a biological determinist. I’m not. But it is to say that society — particularly the psychology profession in the U.S. — must start giving much more weight to heredity as a basis for personality.
Will Storr certainly does. He’s an English writer. And in his book, “Selfie: How We Became So Self-Obsessed and What It’s Doing to Us,” he debunks the idea — particularly beloved by Americana — that if we only put our shoulders to the wheel, we can change our personality, banish our fears and phobias and become the ideal we’ve always dreamed of becoming.
“. . . there are plenty of talented people in high tech,” Storr writes, “who are really bad at reading other people. They’re good at one thing, but that seems to leave a deficit somewhere else. They’re not like those heroes at the climax of our stories, that perfect blend of strength, power, empathy and caring.
“This rule goes for all of us. No matter how hard we try, there are some things we’re not that good at, some ways of being we just can’t master. Regardless of all the promises we might make to ourselves and our loved ones, there are personal qualities we’d love to have, but can’t make stick.
“One of the dictums that defines our culture is that we can be anything we want to be — to win the neoliberal game we just have to dream, to put our minds to it, to want it badly enough.
“This message leaks out to us from seemingly everywhere in our environment: at the cinema, in heartwarming and inspiring stories we read in the news in social media, in advertising, in self-help books, in the classroom, on television. We internalize it, incorporating it into our sense of self.
“But it’s not true. It is, in fact, the dark lie at the heart of the age of perfectionism. It’s the cause, I believe, of an incalculable quotient of misery.
“Here’s the truth that no million-selling self-help book, famous motivational speaker, happiness guru or blockbusting Hollywood screenwriter seems to want you to know. You’re limited. Imperfect. And there’s nothing you can do about it.”
In other words, if, like me, you’re an HSP introvert, you’re going to remain an HSP introvert. Yes, you can master the social niceties. Yes, you can try to accept criticism, both good and bad, more gracefully. And, yes, you can try to be less of a perfectionist — something one of the contributors to this site has spoken about.
But you’re never going to be an extrovert, a people person, a relaxed, outgoing party animal, no matter how hard you try!
Reading this helps me understand a lot. I’ve always been told I was sensitive, and after scoring a 22 on the self test, think this may sound like something I exist with. I’ve always thought of myself as biologically male but mentally nonbinary, like that everyone is just bits of energy in space anyways. I just exist within a complex conundrum, and I feel like it may be either a curse or blessing but damn if it’s not difficult to navigate. I’m diagnosed ADHD, mildly BPD, and am likely HFA (awaiting official diagnosis), and very intelligent. But navigating interpersonal relationships is incomprehensible, and I can rarely get people to “get” me, unless they’re “like” me. At least the internet gives me the ability to put it all out in words.
I have to disagree with these conclusions about HSMs. Although this article captures a portion of people who are HSMs I think there are also HSPs that are “hawks”. For instance, I have many of the characteristics that would be associated with being HSP and also HSS. I have always had sensitivity to foods, medicines (especially anti depressants), pain, when I get amped up by something it takes a long time for me to calm down, etc. I need a lot of stimulation and crave novelty but if I overdo it I pay a price. I am also very cautious when it comes to my personal life. However, I am also opinionated, aggressive and am very ambitious when it comes to my career as an environmental professional. I like to think that my HSP traits are what makes me very effective at my job. I guess what I am saying is that the HSP trait was critical to our success as a species and I believe that it was across all societal roles. After all, as “canaries in the coal mine”, wouldn’t it have been important to have people that were more perceptive and could sense when something was off?
Elaine, speaking of tv shows, what do you think about Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist? She seems to be based upon characteristics of HSP. I cannot say that my experience is like hers (it is fiction after all) but I have occasionally in life had songs come to mind that aided me in one way or another deal with, understand, and/or guide me in situations. Sometimes aiding me in intuition.
BTW, I like the first season. The second is not so good.
All my best
It sounds like you were just the first person to patent this term because your ability to analyse it seems outdated to me.
For example:
Using this illiterate and extremely reductionist evolutionary psychology makes me highly sensitive, and particularly when you wrote “because this trait is not a minority, so it is not a disorder”.
Extremely offensive and factually wrong.
Well, I didn’t know that even giftedness is a disorder.
Wouldn’t you be ashamed to write such nonsense??
Anyway, from the height of my childish arrogance I decided to patent an obvious term, the highly rational person or high rational capacity.
I hope I seem less silly than you.
I was negatively impressed with what I read here.
Specifically those nuances…
Designated Survivor is great! He is definitely the leader we all need. You should check out Sense8 on Netflix. When the group feels/experiences things together it’s amazing. I love season two episode one when they celebrate their birthday. Always makes me feel so happy!!
Though I do strongly agree with other comments that you should provide the studies or a way for us to easily find the studies you referenced. Reading the data for ourselves, especially as HSPs, makes it easier for us to make our own determinations. As you say we are all unique so help us out understand ourselves by providing the data. Thanks!
@Linda Lee
(There was no ‘Reply’ button under your comment so here I am.)
|
@Linda Lee
You say “Thank you. While there are many attributes of Elaine that I find likeable, her very palpable liberal orientation is not one of them. Being highly sensitive already Carrie’s the consequence of feeling alone; the fact that so many HSPs are extremely liberal only reinforces my sense of isolation. So I try to remember that there are several authorities on High Sensitivity, and provide contrasting opinions when appropriate.”
|
@Patricia is talking about assertions not being referenced. Ms. Aron is saying “the gender spectrum be d*mned, sensitive men exist.” The former is looking for sources. The latter is not an unsourced assertion because we can literally see it at work in the world – it is at work in this comment section right now. Sensitive men exist regardless of the gender spectrum
(or the sexuality spectrum, which is not something she even mentions). For g*d’s sakes I just confronted someone on here for insisting Ms. Aron was being anti-lgbt and close-minded! Both you and that other person are reading far into the article what you want to see, which is apparently opposing views where there are none. No views are given in this article. There are no politics or views given in this article.
|
Where are you getting it that @Patricia said anything that supports your aversion to liberal orientation? Seriously, what are you talking about? Neither Ms. Aron nor @Patricia say anything about, I’m trying to guess what was on your mind when you commented, transgender, lgbt+, sexuality… I’m guessing this is what was on your mind because Ms. Aron said the words “the gender spectrum”. But it does not go any further than that. Ms. Aron only said those three words.
|
Are you saying you have aversion towards Ms. Aron trying to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings? I am not going to express doubt that you are HSP/have SPS because that’s a grave insult in the mental health community, which I am a part of. So I understand, including when it involves another community (HSP/SPS).
|
But part of HSP/SPS is having innate empathy or at least being much more prone to having innate empathy. A left/liberal leaning has more empathy than right leaning. I’m not talking about political parties; sometimes they’re all terrible. I’m talking about attitude. So what do you mean by “liberal orientation”? That’s a fairly broad range for someone (you) who can’t seem to realize when it isn’t even being discussed.
Why is anyone in this comment section talking about HSM’s having feminine qualities? Ms. Aron’s entire point is that they DON’T. –
|
Feminine vs. Masculine are boxes. Stop putting yourselves and others including myself into boxes. Sensitivity is clearly not a female thing. You are ridiculous if this is the way you view the world because that is not how the world operates. Everything is shades of grey! There are no bloody boxes! STOP! –
|
Nobody can control whether or not any of you insult your own intelligence by buying into that crap, but please don’t drag the rest of us down with you. Sensitivity is an HSP/SPS thing, not a female thing. We’re seeing more and more evidence each day, not just in science that these categories are useless and limiting and stupid. –
|
For eff’s sakes this is why you get people saying “I hate labels” it’s because they hate being put into a category, being limited, which is what a label does, being put into a box, and having expectations put on them for something out of their control. There is no femininity or masculinity, just stop already. –
|
If these boxes were real, then guess what, we wouldn’t be arguing over whether or not they are real. Can any of you kids understand that?