When The Highly Sensitive Person was first published, someone told me that when they read it in public they kept a plain paper book cover on it so that no one would see the title. How much do you hide your sensitivity? Sometimes it is wise to consider when, why, and with whom you will discuss your sensitivity, but do you ever just think it would be better if no one knew? Maybe especially that you didn’t know?
In those early days, I did many interviews with male TV and radio hosts, and quite often they attacked or ridiculed the whole idea of high sensitivity. Finally, I learned to tease them about it. “Oh well, you’re just like all the other male interviewers—you get all tense at the very idea of sensitivity.” Often I uncovered the fact that they were actually HSPs and also high sensation seekers, the perfect combo for media workers.
These days, some people have asked me to stop using the term “sensitive” for the trait because it is too negative or has the wrong connotation. Interestingly, sensitive is one of the few adjectives in English that has both a very positive and I guess very negative meaning, making it potentially neutral. Usually there are opposite words for the same trait (stubborn/persistent, impulsive/spontaneous, thrifty/stingy, humorous/silly ), not a single word.
Through all of this, I guess I have been discovering what we could call sensitivephobia.
Sensitivephobia
As you can guess from the meaning of homophobia or xenophobia (the dislike of foreigners), sensitivephobia is the dislike or prejudice against highly sensitive people. All of these “phobias” are products of culture–starting in the family and going on through school, friends, doctors, therapists, the media. Some of you may live in the relatively rare culture with little or no sensitivephobia. But most of us do experience a subtle prejudice around sensitivity unless we hide our trait (which we usually can because it is invisible) or we bring it up very carefully.
The effects of prejudice are always bad for those towards whom it is directed and even worse for those affected by more than one prejudice, such as sensitive African-Americans. Perhaps the worst effect is that prejudice is almost always internalized. Internalized homophobia is a good example, being a well-researched phenomenon. It causes gay men and lesbians to experience self-doubt and self-hatred. Can you relate? Surely many HSPs have internalized sensitivephobia, a feeling that something is wrong with them because of their sensitivity, so that they don’t like themselves because of it.
The phenomenon of self-doubt is often unconscious, and found in all who have experienced prejudice. For example, women, Latinos, and African Americans in the United States perform worse on math exams if they are even just very subtly reminded of their sex or ethnicity by filling in that information at the top of the exam. With just that reminder, they are primed to think they can’t do as well as others on the test—and they don’t. Social psychologists call this “stereotype threat.”
This internalized self-doubt and self-hatred is not innate of course, but baggage you need to discard. How is it done? Those who have experienced it will tell it is best done through solidarity with others having this trait. We have to validate each other.
Specifically about Highly Sensitive Men
Highly sensitive women seem to know the importance of solidarity, perhaps through their experience of sexism and sexual harassment. HS women are the majority of those who come to lectures and weekends for HSPs. Although the numbers vary, men are generally about a tenth to a quarter of the audience. Sometimes there is only one. So far there are 35 men enrolled in the upcoming weekend designed for them. Just 35 who are ready to trade in their internalized sensitivephobia for something empowered and strong?
What’s stopping them?
Many HS men have complained about the cost.
My response: Surely more than 35 HSMs can afford a potentially life changing weekend, given how many HS women have come to a HSP retreat or seminar (and have often told us afterwards that it really was life changing). What’s the matter?
Are HS men afraid that they will dislike their trait and themselves even more when they meet other men with the trait?
My response: That would certainly be internalized sensitivephobia. As I have watched groups of HSMs start to talk, it seems that they find so much to admire in each other—the courage, accomplishments, honesty, or quiet, attentive reserve that creates the feeling of instantly understanding each other.
Do they fear that they WILL like the trait more after the weekend, and therefore have to accept it more, including being inconvenienced by the fact that to be their best they will need to adjust their lifestyle to allow for being easily overstimulated and needing more downtime than others?
My response: The more downtime, the more effective you will be in the long run. (Look up “incubation creativity” in Google Scholar.)
Do they fear they will become over-identified with their sensitivity, as some others seem to be?
My response: Most people, after they learn about their sensitivity, have it on their mind a great deal for a few months, and then it settles in as a factor sometimes to be considered when making a decision or interpreting an event.
Do they fear that during a weekend of self-exploration they might discover things about themselves, not directly related to their sensitivity, that they don’t like, such as the fear of social judgment, being easily manipulated, or their role in a failing relationship?
My response: Accepting where you are is the essential first step for self-improvement. Often full acceptance means you are halfway home.
Culture and Complexes
Another way to think about sensitivephobia is to treat it as a complex. I have often written about complexes. They are the building blocks of any personality. We all have them. Some examples are complexes about Mother, Father, money, food, authority, independence vs. dependence, God. A complex predisposes us to think in a certain, less objective way when it is activated.
Most complexes contain some fears, learned somewhere. These are dangers you have learned to avoid, but that can mean thinking you see some sign of these dangers where they don’t exist. For HSPs with a complex about sensitivity, the fear is surely about being different and therefore rejected. For sensitive men in particular, there is the fear, often learned unconsciously from their culture, of being seen as less competent than other men, weak, or less attractive. Or there are the well learned fears that come from actually having been bullied, teased, or humiliated, often by parents. Of course HS women can have very similar fears.
The way out of a complex? You never totally escape it, but the more time you work on understanding where it comes from and how it distorts your thinking, the less time you will spend in it. We all know that the culture has made life harder for HSPs, particularly, highly sensitive men. But persistent focus and time with other HSPs is going to help. Sensitivephobia is not going to go away by ignoring it.
When I read this article, my first reaction was to feel attacked. It does not feel like a sensitively written article. After I got past that and read it a second time from a more balance perspective, I realized the basic flaw of the article is mixing a discussion of sensitivephobia with attendance at the upcoming weekend for highly sensitive men. IN particular, the first point in the article regarding the cost of the event. Not just the financial cost – I live in NY and, yes, to me the cost is a bit beyond my means. But let’s not forget the emotional cost of travel. Airports and airplanes are highly stressful for me. Train or car would take a lot longer but be less stressful.
I would suggest a re-write of the article and focus only on sensitivephobia, as those points are worth consideration for someone who feels they may be sensitivephobic.
I agree
Dear Joe,
Thank you for your comment, and upon thinking about it, I really do agree. I did not mean to make any one feel guilty for not coming. I am just so eager to make this a large event. I will not rewrite it for now, but perhaps when the weekend has passed.
There are some things about the cost, however, that I cut out of the article (except that HS women spend the money rather readily, since we tend to have 70-100 attendees for ordinary HSP weekends at 1440 and Kripalu). So now I get to sound defensive.
First, Kripalu, which is less expensive, would not sponsor a weekend only for men. They did not think enough would attend. 1440, hoping to lure more HSP events (since I live nearby), took the risk.
Second, 1440 and Kripalu have a huge following and mailing list, send out fancy catalogues, etc. During every weekend we find a large number of people learned they were HSPs for the first time by looking at what was being offered there. (My husband often tells me that the outreach of these places is more valuable than the weekends themselves, since so many learn about high sensitivity whether they come or not.)
Third, a cheaper venue, with good food, private rooms, some nature, and overall suitable for HSPs, but near an airport, etc. would mean finding such a place ourselves, doing all the advertising ourselves, and being more responsible for whether everyone was comfortable. Above all, since a contract has to be signed early for the number of people you want accommodated, there would be a huge financial risk that we would over or underestimate.
After this weekend perhaps there will be a seed group of leadership that could tackle all of this for next time, but John, Tracy, and I simply could not have done it, given our other responsibilities.
Very sincerely,
Elaine
Elaine –
Thank you so much for your candid reply. I do understand how difficult it is to find a venue. I am disappointed that Kripalu was not willing to take the risk. I live about an hour away. I had wanted to attend the HSP event in September, but I had an obligation that Saturday as a DJ for an anniversary party. I would love to assist in any way possible to get more men to attend such events. I believe it is essential that men get over the stigma of being sensitive. I have found such great joy in embracing it, and have finally found the women who loves me for who I am. I would like other men to see the possibilities.
Elaine, reading your thoughts on sensitivephobia reminded me of when I lived in a fishing village in Maine. Lesbians were openly accepted there, but gay men were not. I think that is why there are more women than men who attend lectures and gatherings of HSPs. In our culture it takes a very strong man to admit to sensitivity. And there is the corollary fear that being sensitive might mean you are gay. We are okay with two women hugging and kissing but not so okay for two men. They do a version of the man hug or just bump elbows or high five. The men I have seen attend lectures on sensitivity are usually with a woman. Perhaps just as it was difficult for gay men to come out of the closet, it may also be difficult for a man to admit to being highly sensitive. And to be clear, I have met highly sensitive men who are gay and those who are not. But it could be a confusing factor in our still homophobic society. You have to be very confident in yourself as a man to accept being either highly sensitive or gay.
I’m unable to go to the men’s weekend because I’m unemployed right now. My sensitivity has caused me to develop anxiety because of past negative situations that have happened. I have basically isolated myself and don’t really leave home. I just don’t have the funds to go.(my bank account currently has less than $50 in it)
I can understand your anxiety! I feel it, too. I just turned 60, and I have decades of social conditioning that I’m trying to overcome. It’s slow work. It would be so great if there was a cheaper (or free) way to connect with others like me.
Hey! I just found out I’ve had HSP my whole life. I just didn’t know what it was or that there was a term until I recently found the “emotional badass” podcast. Have you heard of it? I am like 7 episodes in and it has already helped so much. Just acknowledging it and reflecting on past traumas/wounds from childhood and being misunderstood that have created some reactions in me to this day. With Nikki Eisenhower’s podcast I can now accept and embrace these and deal with situations differently and in a more healthy way.
Dear Elaine;
I went through the neuro-psychological test (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, combined with some other tests) ) and received a diagnosis which I think is ac curate enough, of non-specific anxiety. Other descriptors were also provided but they distract us. So I was diagnosed with non-specific anxiety, and your work with the Jungian lore, certainly proves I am HSP. Now, let’s just combine “non-specific anxiety” with Sensitivity, and voila!! “Sensitiveanxious”, or “Sensitivephobic”. I do believe that this may require just a tad bit of nuancing, but it is a solid insight from you, Elaine. I fess up: I am Sensitivephobic.” Kindest regards to you , Elaine and all the great HSPs.
When I went to Dr. Elaine Aron’s workshops, I thought it was expensive but when I look at it as a lifetime investment for my HSP well-being – it’s all worth it!
Thank you Elaine for this highly informative blog. As a male I am grateful for the efforts you are making to support us to embrace our sensitive qualities. While I unfortunately can’t make this upcoming event I would certainly consider coming to a future one. Perhaps you would consider starting a regular Zoom meet up for men to keep those from the weekend and others like me who couldn’t make it connected.
“For sensitive men in particular, there is the fear … of being seen as less competent than other men, weak, or less attractive. Or there are the well learned fears that come from actually having been bullied, teased, or humiliated, often by parents.”
This was very much my experience. The scorn for being sensitive was explicit, from school-mates, and from the men and women of my wider family alike. It has taken many years for me to come (close) to acceptance of my own sensitivity.
To front up to a room full of men and to freely admit my own sensitivity would be a big step up indeed. No doubt a useful one, but it would require quite some courage after a painful life experience in this regard.
Also, I’d have to fly from New Zealand …
I can understand it when you talk about freely admitting your sensitivity. It was so hard for me to do. I’d be happy to share my experiences and successes.
I agree with the overall concept of sensitivephobia. I am a INFJ/HSP and have helped a number of HSP men to embrace their trait without fear. Might I suggest making key elements of the weekend available to stream or watch later via Vimeo PPV? I would definitely pay to watch.
As an older man, embracing my own realisations and the greater discussion of these topics in recent years – I can see my own internalised self hatred very clearly! I would also say, that the embracing of these things can be a little bittersweet. On the one hand, a sort of joyous release from the inner chatter of ‘I am weak’ and ‘I don’t fit’. On the other hand, a sometimes crushing feeling of knowing that after the joy comes a return to ‘reality’ and the exhausting struggles to help other people see a different perspective. I suspect many men take the route of avoiding this rollercoaster (at the expense of validation in the company of others) and just ‘push on’.
Thanks for your work, which as a father of 2 young boys, I greatly value.
I am mostly comfortable with my sensitivity, despite the negative reception I have received at times. I guess it’s because I find solid logic in many of the things that make us sensitive. For example, I rather dislike hearing grocery carts crashing together by the store employee responsible for organizing them. Sensitive?Maybe appropriately sensitive. But while I say this, I’m not sure it’s helpful to assail our culture or perpetuate the trend toward victimization that is so prevalent today. It may be enough to obtain insight and validation for our trait, then politely impart knowledge about “noise pollution,” as I call it, to those around us.
How I see it at the moment. The less ‘phobic’ I can be about who I am, and the more at peace I can be with myself, the more comfortable I will be about being authentic, genuine, kind, compassionate, less ‘on guard’, real, solidly established or founded (or grounded), less easily shaken by fear and more easily shaken by love. I think it hasn’t served me or others well for me to extend my own fears about myself to others, and it’s worse, in my opinion, when I don’t even realize I am doing it. Anything that helps me tear down walls and build up boundaries is something I am not only likely to consider but also to apply by practice. As safety has become a lower goal for me than authenticity, I can become more loving and less abrupt, less isolating, less self-protective, and perceived (if not also actually) less rude or aloof. For me personally it is because I am trusting God more for my sense-of-safety needs. But as these fears and their accompanying beliefs tend to run deep, I expect it will take ongoing practice to establish new pathways of thought and deed, and more self acceptance will also mean more perseverance and patience with myself, and just as important, if not more so, patience with others. And I have only been briefly introduced to the concept of reparenting myself, or letting God reparent me, or possibly me following in the footsteps of where He is working. I know I can easily miss what can be obvious concepts for others, like how I protected myself as a child on the school yard playground is not how I need to continue now as a man. Recent life events have taken me a long way beyond my emotional sensitivity phobias or misbeliefs (aka ‘men don’t weep’) and I am finding much release in this newfound freedom to allow my tears to flow and my heart to laugh. After about 30 years of believing that my personality was ISTJ, and having recently learned that it is INFP. I seem to have originally produced test results of who I thought I was, but not actually who I was and am. Meaning I wasn’t seeing myself accurately. Could that be an expression of sensitivephobia? I think so!
Thanks for the support for we men, and interesting food for thought, Dr. (E.) Aron.
Personally, I don’t see myself as being overly-sensitive-towards-sensitivity, and to be honest it never dawned on me, until I read this, that other men might feel that way.
Thing is: I’m finding out — thanks to books, Elaine’s first DVD, etc., and even some time spent looking at things like official studies (mostly over on Google Scholar) — that I’m not only an HSP male (HSM), but I’m way into “orchid” territory. (I’m referring to the study regarding looking at three, not two, overall categories: which the study’s authors referred to, if memory serves, as “Dandelions, Tulips, and Orchids”. I took this web site’s list of questions, and manually added a “1-through-7 Likert Scale” to it, on paper, and let the questions sort of simmer, for a week or so. And came up with an average score of “6.1 out of a 7.0” score — which has to be a pretty high “reading,” for a male? Or so it seems, from this blog’s subject, etc.?
This may be one area where Vantage Sensitivity and/or Differential Susceptibility enters, or intersects?
I guess that, after surviving my childhood, in a really bad Family of Origin situation, I pretty much don’t (over-over) fear anything that isn’t going to kill me in the next few moments; at least not in a “change what I’m going to do, today” sort of way. I suspect I’ve sort of rammed several different things together, such as “pause to check, from afar” along with hypervigilance, and because I gave myself a head start on assessing threats, when others are finally figuring out an external threat may exist, I don’t react all that much – which they take, at times, as “fearless”. Which sort of, without meaning to, disguises my HSP-ness.
In case that comes across as “ranking” with other men, rather than “linking” with them: it’s not meant that way. (Yes, I have the “Undervalued Self” book, too.) I’ll try again, in other words.
My personal “threat assessment radar” likely wouldn’t even pick that “afraid to be seen as sensitive, by others” idea as being any kind of an immediate danger to me. “Accept me; don’t accept me — just don’t throw rocks at me, and I’ll likely be fine with it” would probably sum up my thoughts, at this point, on that.
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That said: I’d probably never leave the house, and would never interact with anyone, except for being an HSS/HSP. I think that “inner push” ends up being, more often than it is not, a “good thing” for me. Or I’ve turned it into one.
One suggestion: maybe some events could be set up, on the Internet, regarding being an HSS/HSP? Maybe even on the women’s side of it? Something to “watch from afar” for the people that aren’t sure they are “in the correct place”? I think women who are an HSS/HSP, talking about it, might be a good way to get men wondering if they have an HSS side?
Maybe – these are all just guesses, of course – we HSMs with a “side dish of HSS” are easier “targets” for it? And could segue, nicely, from videos to Dr. Cooper’s books?
I’m “different” in so many categories, at once, that I’ve had a lot of time to get used to being misunderstood. As a Sigma Male, if one “tribe” kicks me out, for a while, I just go visit another one. I find that to be a necessity of a sort, for me: because no one “tribe” I try to hang out with, over the medium term, ends up fully accepting me. It’s like there’s an expiration or “use by” date stamped on my forehead, or something? If I’m (temporarily) hanging out with the “tough guy types” for a while (which my “childhood survival” lets me do) it is only a while until they figure out I’m not the Neanderthal they thought I was, at first. (Via projection, not acting.)
On the opposite side of the coin, around Sensitives I must be showing too many (to them?) Cro-Magnon traits, and a few Possibly Neanderthal ones, that I don’t mean to be showing.
They’re all a part of me. Very few people accept the whole. So I sort of “compartmentalize,” and “group-hop” if needed.
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On the subject of that now-past (?) event:
Knowing I wouldn’t be able to afford the trip, I “went” to that conference, in a sort of “different” way – by which I mean, I directly “bugged” Dr. Cooper, via email, for a while, before the event. He was, as you said, really cool to talk with; and was full of great info. I really enjoyed seeing him on a 2019 Sensitivity Summit video series; and he’s the one that got me thinking about being both an HSS (high-sensation seeker) as well as an HSP.
The “lightbulb over my head” moment, if it matters, on accepting that part of me even actually could be a part of me, was finding out that “novelty seeking” was just as valid as “thrill and adventure seeking”: as he implied in that Summit, you could be a total bookworm, and could still count as being an HSS / HSP. That was highly great info!
So, even if numbers weren’t huge for the in-person part of the HS man event, some of we HSM individuals did touch base with those experts; shared info; and picked their brains.
With many people in lock-down, maybe video talks are a good “way around all that”? A “low-risk” way, for risk-averse men, or even curious women? A time we can use effectively?
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“Subject bounce” warning — I’ll throw this in, but want to mention it’s a new topic.
The current health crisis, globally, is revealing opportunities for more understanding of one another’s differences. What I mean relates mainly to introverts / extroverts.
For what might be the first time in (at least my) living memory, two groups are sort of re-assessing one another, over comments exchanged in public online places. And I’m seeing extroverts, who are majorly struggling with things like being forced to NOT be around large groups of people, for what (as some of us would see as VERY short periods of time: like single-digit days) basically asking their “weaker cousins” how they (we?) can stand being cooped up. Which, typically, gets a “Huh?” answer, at least at first. But over time, it’s becoming, in the short term, a role reversal.
A site called “Introvert, Dear” even put some coffee mugs and shirts up for sale, saying, “I was doing social distancing before it was cool”. Which I wouldn’t have expected to ever see happen: not the mugs, the term “social distancing”. I even saw one person (I forget where?) suggest that “media distancing” might be positive, if the non-HSPs out there, and the non-introverts out there, are struggling with the types of things we sensitives / introverts / HSPs / and HSS-HSPs always deal with.
They’re also offering up some “here’s how to cope, a little better, with being locked down, if you’re an introvert suddenly stuck with a house full of extroverts” and/or “if you’re a major extrovert, being sort of forced to pretend you’re an introvert, for a while” on that site … so, it’s not all veiled “We’re stronger than you” sort of stuff.
Example: at least a few extroverts were surprised, and seemed happy, to think of what they were missing in terms of “you want more stimulation” instead of “your need for being surrounded by people, is not being met”. As a book-worm HSS, I’m sort of watching all of this play out, with one eyebrow raised, like Spock on Star Trek. I haven’t said “fascinating” anywhere but here, yet; but its been tempting.
Both sides are talking, and sharing anecdotes or “slices of their lives” in ways I’ve not seen, in my nearly sixty years of being on this planet. One of the coolest, at least to me, is that extremes on the extroversion scale are starting to think maybe introverts are “strong,” after all: we can simply shrug off and ignore, what’s driving them bananas, schedule-wise and “number of people” nearby-wise.
I doubt we are going, collectively, to get a better chance to “feel known” than right now? So maybe this is a good time for secretly “sensitive-phobic” males to reveal their super powers, to the people they would normally fear would judge them for differences?
I wish words like “Neuro-diversity” were better known, to the general public! Not only known, but understood!