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⇒ If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts or are in crisis, please contact:
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (in U.S.)
International Suicide Hotlines
If you are seeking less urgent help, please see our list of HSP-knowledgeable therapists. Also read How to Find a Good Therapist.
I have received a few questions about highly sensitive people and suicide and felt I should respond. I know it is an intense topic, but important. I suppose this post is also timely in that the majority of suicides actually occur in the spring.
I do not have any research on this subject. Only some impressions from my experience. You will certainly have your own insights as well.
I apologize for using the staid third person in the first half. I am hoping that none of that part has ever applied to second person you. But it does happen, I know very well. HSPs, like anyone else, can feel like killing themselves. And, as I discuss below, they are profoundly affected by another’s suicide.
HSPs and Contemplating Suicide
First, let’s tackle the negative side of the issue. I think HSPs, when depressed, could be more likely to think about suicide because they feel everything more deeply, including depression, with its sense of hopelessness, worthlessness, and despair. Plus, with their depth of processing, their minds naturally go to all the consequences of what they are depressed about or of simply being so depressed. One consequence might be, wrongly of course, that they just should not be on this planet anymore. They are too useless, weak, etcetera.
Or they may think they are causing others so much trouble that those dearest to them would be better off without them. Again, that is SO wrong. They can deeply harm those around them by their action.
But, continuing to process their ideas, they may even make plans, which is considered the most dangerous sign of suicide except for actual attempts. (Especially if anyone talks about plans, it is time to get them help. There are many other signs and resources on the internet, including national hotlines. Most countries have them. But this post is not specifically about suicide prevention.)
What else can we infer about HSPs?
Suicide is high among gifted students, who are usually highly sensitive according to those who study the gifted. It is believed that the main reason is that gifted students are perfectionists, and feel others also expect perfection from them, so that one low grade or fumbled presentation can send them over the edge. Although not all HSPs are gifted, one can imagine all HSPs have trouble with perfectionism at times, meaning thinking they failed or failed others.
Another risk factor for the gifted can be being unpopular or even bullied because they are different. HSPs can also feel different and sometimes are bullied because of it.
Above all, HSPs can get into a mood of hating the consequences of their sensitivity. I have listened sympathetically when they tell me they are sick of feeling different, “weird,” and that they are missing out because they cannot engage in life in the same way others do. They are tired of struggling to earn a living while having to take sensitivity into account, or being so easily devastated by criticism from those important to them, who then see them as too touchy, criticizing them more. Many of us are trying to empower and help HSPs to be proud of their sensitivity (e.g. Jacquelyn Strickland and the makers of and many contributors to the movie Sensitive: The Untold Story). But sometimes a long history of being deeply misunderstood, and perhaps other traumas and genetics as well, take their toll.
On the positive side, my hunch is that HSPs actually have a lower suicide rate compared to the other 80% of the population. That same depth of processing, so instinctive to them, means they are less impulsive. They are more likely to be unsure, to wait and consider things again at a later time, when they will probably see their life from a different viewpoint. Also, their threats may be less likely to turn into a plan that they feel they must carry through, but be more metaphoric, the culmination of depth of processing and strong emotions. Thinking “I feel so bad I want to kill myself” is a way to express just how bad one feels, and we do know HSPs can be overwhelmed by any emotion, joy as well, and follow it out to its emotional conclusion.
Second, I think highly sensitive people are more aware of how terrible the effects of a suicide would be on the people around them. Certainly if you remind HSPs of that, they tend to wake up to how much harm it would do. After all, they have all those mirror neurons, all that empathy, so they can appreciate how others would feel.
The Effect on HSPs Left Behind
Suicide truly does have an awesomely bad effect on those left behind, and surely it will on HSPs in particular. If you lose someone close to you through suicide, there is terrible shock. Then deep bereavement. But also not understanding, and HSPs feel a deep need to understand. Why did this person not see the preciousness of the gift of life itself, and all the splendor to be enjoyed when the ego gets out of the way? And why did this beloved person leave you behind, not considering how much you cared. You may feel abandoned, betrayed, rejected, and even angry. Perhaps more likely, as any HSP you may worry that you could have helped. You may feel you were the best person to have prevented this or even the only person who could have. If only this person had told you. Or worse, perhaps there was a hint, but you missed it. Your empathy seems to have failed. Whether you could have known or not, you may feel more acutely than others this guilty failure.
When I was in graduate school, as a class activity I was paired with another student to discuss our dreams. The next time I came to class I learned he had killed himself. With the acute hindsight of an HSP, I felt I should have seen from his dream that this was coming. Should I have told others? But the dream could have meant anything. I headed for a trusted faculty member for justifiable reassurance, but I certainly felt that potential for guilt.
In short, the suicide of others deeply affects us. There are many helpful websites for bereavement when the death was suicide. Do use them if this ever occurs to you.
Suicide as an Accident
Research finds that most people thought or spoke about suicide beforehand or made prior attempts. But they must still be ambivalent. They are still thinking it over, until they act and succeed. However, except when people plan suicide in order to escape dementia or a terminal illness, when the suicide actually happens, it is my hunch that it is much more like an accident when that ambivalence becomes finality. I think it is especially often an accident among young people, who have very little experience with managing those times when they feel down. They see suicide as an escape, solution, or statement to those who have failed them, not realizing that they will not be around to appreciate the results. So we lose these lives that have so much promise.
It especially hurts that young HSPs may feel the need to kill themselves, and I wish I could address all the high school and college counselors in the world, to tell them how much they could help with just a little teaching about HS. They could screen the freshman at orientation with the HSP Scale, then just show the movie to the HSPs, or hand out the book.
Back to what do I mean by “accident.” You might call it the perfect storm. The mind, body, and spirit all sink. The mind may struggle with towering waves of shame and worthlessness from a horrible betrayal, rejection, devastating criticism of their work, a major defeat or failure, and further shame that one cannot control the reaction. The mind is sinking under these monster waves.
The body has often not slept or received good food or exercise, so there is a dramatic dip in physical wellbeing, especially the brain’s neurotransmitters. When these drop off, we always get depressed, but if they drop off too much, the depression is so huge that almost anyone would think of suicide. Then add drugs or alcohol, whether used before or after the idea of suicide has come to mind. These dramatically increase the risks because the mind is so unclear. The act itself feels unreal. The ship takes on more water and tilts.
Spiritually, we all have doubts about our path, but when the doubts win, all meaning can seem lost, and therefore our ultimate support. The main mast snaps. The ship sinks.
I find this idea of suicide being an accident is sometimes helpful to those left behind, especially the parents of a teenager. It’s hard to deal with someone we love dying in an accident, but at least they did not deliberately (and stupidly, as we may feel it) die through killing themselves. Maybe it can be a comforting idea, just because anyone can sense that it has some truth to it. Most people, most of the time, very definitely want to live. (Consider the patient who is suicidal but will not take antidepressants because they may be bad for one’s health.) When they stop wanting to live, it’s strange. How could that happen? An accident.
My hunch is that many HSPs have thought of suicide from time to time (I did when I was younger), and many more have been devastated by the suicide of another. Since you (and I) are still here, you know that things change. “No feeling is final.” I love that quote from Rilke. (For the entire poem, see the end of this post.) As we increasingly understand the value of our sensitivity along with its increased emotional intensity, I suspect we will be the least likely people to commit suicide, and the most able to understand and help when others lean that way.
Comments are currently closed for this post.
⇒ If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts or are in crisis, please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or visit:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (in U.S.)
International Suicide Hotlines
If you are seeking less urgent help, please see our list of HSP-knowledgeable therapists. Also read How to Find a Good Therapist.
Hi Elaine,
I just wanted to share an amazing moment I just had reading your post. I identify as an HSP and am just at the end of my Masters of Counselling training. Supporting those with suicidal thoughts and plans keeps emerging for me in my practice. I really am so interested in our emotional life!
On a different note, I was at meditation last night and in our discussion before leaving our teacher shared a quote by Rainer Maria Rilke which sat in my head…
The quote is :
Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final”
“No feeling is final” is what resonated most for me last night. How serendipitous to see those exact same words in your post. A deeper sense of our ever changing feelings and thoughts is what has now emerged.I received an important message last night and it was confirmed for me today reading your post. Thank-you.
I feel like I could’ve written this! I’m an HSP and a psychologist and have shared that quote with many, many people who have had the same response…keep going!
I have been gifted with many exceptional experiences since I was a toddler, before I had learned a spoken language. When I felt very rejected, I became suicidal, with a plan, and was committed to a psychiatric institution for a few weeks. Part of my recovery was a visit to the Findhorn community in northern Scotland, where a majority of the population is highly sensitive. A maturing of my high sensitivity has led me to a life filled with feelings of peace, happiness and fulfillment. The advantages of being highly sensitive far outweigh the disadvantages.
I appreciate this post and am happy that it found me. I will not go into to many details about my living as a being with with HSP or the depression, isolation and the many suicidal thoughts that have intensified over the last couple years. I do want to thank you for writing and posting this for I believe that it will be of help to many.
May all of us have strength, clarity, hope and wellbeing.
Mike
Beautifully spoken
Good morning.
Forgive me is my words don’t come together in a logical form.
I really only want to comment on your stated, possible reasons why a person (HSP or not) MAY commit suicide. I’ve heard it said many times and from many sources, that a person may feel “too useless or weak” or that he/she feels that he/she is a burden to others. From that comes the belief that “the world is better off without me.” It almost sounds altruistic. It almost sounds like the person is thinking in the best interests of the world itself. I don’t believe that. Suicide is more selfish than it is altruistic.
Of course, I am not an expert on suicide. However, the thought crosses my mind from time-to-time as it has over the course of several years. I want only to share with you my thoughts on why I sometimes no longer want to exist in this world. It’s a different perspective … and perhaps other can relate: Generally, I feel tired. I often feel as though I no longer want to fight and compete for having balance in my life without constant worry, to scratch my way through to some semblance of feeling “normal.” I don’t look at the world through rose-colored glasses. Doing so, often brings disappointment when I realize it was a false perspective. I’m quite cynical as well (in case you were wondering). There is so much pain and suffering in this world. Politicians, religious leaders, and the like … all claim to have the answers to our problems. The truth is, they don’t. I don’t see the suffering as getting any better in my lifetime. Quite the opposite. The truth is, I rarely feel joy. I don’t see a future in which I will experience happiness. On the other hand, I am not weak. I am very strong. But strength (after so many years) doesn’t bring happiness … only weariness.
Do I feel “useless” or as a “burden” on society? Not at all! I work. I enjoy my job and I have the opportunity every day to help others. I’m sure, nobody on the outside would imagine the thoughts I have when I am alone. I smile a lot even though I am hurting. I also take care of my husband and a dog. I try not to let them down. In addition, when somebody else needs advice or assistance … I do my best to be a help …. definitely not a burden!
Suicide tends to be a very selfish act. I would guess that many of the people who feel useless or burdensome … are not typical of one who commits suicide.
Why don’t I commit suicide? So far, I am unable to reach that level of selfishness. For example, I have children. Although they are now adults, I am sure that my committing suicide would hurt them deeply. I’m not prepared to do that.
I’ve taken medication for periods of time on many occasions. Sometimes they have horrible side-effects and I stop them immediately. Other times, they help for a bit … but it is not a permanent solution to the suffering. It only masks the problem. I’m tired of the pills as well.
Anyway, I just wanted to share my perspective. I would be interested in hearing what others have to say. Do you really believe that “uselessness” and “being a burden to others” are such big factors to people who kill themselves?
Hi Michelle,
With all respect, I don’t think suicide is selfish. Being selfish relates pleasure or welfare. Suicide is a desperate action that is done to cease extreme emotional pain.. for them there is no other option. Also, mental Illness is likely to be involved and as such the person is not thinking clearly at the time. As you have expressed, you can clearly see the purpose in your life but not everyone is the same and it can be difficult for some people to find their place and purpose. In order to prevent it, I think trying to understand and being empathetic to what they have gone through to get to the stage of contemplating suicide would help. I think pointing a finger and placing blame by saying “you’re selfish if you do that”, will stop a person from wanting to talk about it… they already feel enough guilt.
It’s such an awful thing for those left behind and so hard to understand “why?” that I think the initial reaction is to feel as though it is a selfish act. It’s an awful topic but talking about it is good.
Thx Matt. I have a very difficult time understanding the ‘selfishness concept’. Without begin judgemental there are probably self absorbed people who just want to hurt anothers – however for me it is like running out of gas and you cannot go on. I really do NOT feel bad about myself in that, I never feel I don’t deserve to live. Being a HSP is extremely draining. I have had an amazing life and I have done my best to help others but I am drained by society and those who don’t want help. When I think of the dumbing down of society (ie The Bachlor) and all of the hate, judgement and lack of self awareness and growth to reach one’s potential.. well, my depressive bipolar side talks to the HSP side and I just want to go to sleep forever. Seriously. Turn the light out and shut the door. It’s going to happen at some point and I am not one to welcome old age. I have a bone disease on top of my mental issues. I’m just exhausted of being in pain, physically and emotionally. Silly question…was Carol Burnette selfish when she ended her show? I’m just saying ‘to everything there is a season’.
Fully Agreed it is my personal opinion that
“ Suicide “ is not at all selfish. How insensitive and ignorant to comment with such derogatory statements and insults of the people who have only tried to keep living despite feeling so crippled by terror, anxiety and depression and trying as best as they can to protect their loved ones – sometimes by “unburdening” them. As stated by the author of the previous post : when people suffer from trauma, ptsd, depression, severe and debilitating anxiety and other issues – and there is endless scientific data – which proves without a doubt that this vulnerable population is / are very often extremely sensitive human beings who feel emotions (both good and bad) much more deeply. Affected by many aspects of the traumas that they’ve been forced to endure and / or unable to speak to ask for help or even to protect themselves which can cause further and even more serious and recurring trauma and PTSD often leaving victims l extremely ill in intolerable physical pain and mental anguish affecting every aspect of their lives. Often completely disabled, debilitated, isolated from the world and paralyzed with fear. Please do not judge (especially) “vulnerable” people as you never know the tragedies, horrors, abuse and hardship that they have been through in their life. Thank you.
Dear Michelle —
I can so relate to your feelings of being tired. I’m wondering if our age/years of battling depression are a factor. I was diagnosed with depression in my 30s (although suffered from it in my late teens) and have been on constant medications since my late 30s. I will be 62 this year.
Previously, I was able to go years without suffering from a depressive episode, but that has changed in the last 6 or so years. Every fall/winter I fall into a 2-4 month depression which is associated with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), despite light therapy, talk therapy, and increased medication regimen. This year has been the worst, I’ve been depressed since shortly after Christmas and increased meds + new meds are not doing the trick.
I feel like Sisyphus. I’m exhausted from the battle to obtain normalcy and frequently feel what’s the point, this is only going to happen all over again in a matter of months. I feel despairing that my quality of life is ever going to improve and feel like so much of my life has and is being lost to depression.
I don’t feel useless or that I’m a burden. I feel more like I’ve been given a burden that I’m increasingly less able to manage as time passes.
So, anyway, am interested in hearing if you think age or years of battling factor into this.
Susan,
If you haven’t already, Please get your vitamin D levels checked. It is amazing the difference I’ve seen this make. There is a book called The Vitamin D Cure that discusses optimal levels.
Susan,
I will be 62 this year also, and got hit with SAD very badly last winter. I wasn’t extremely depressed but felt like sleeping all the time with no energy to do hardly anything. I now take Vit D all year round,(because of the high latitude I live at) and in addition started taking Vitamin B12 in a very high dose! What a difference this has been making- my memory is 1000 times better and I have much more energy. When you hit your 60s you start to lose some ability to absorb vitamins from food as you used to, so do look into that. Try fermented foods and take sugar and grain products out of your diet as much as possible. Keep active even if you don’t feel like it- exercise does wonders. These factors have much more affect on our mental health than we realise.
One more thing….I have to tell you 🙂 A few years ago I struggled with weird thoughts. It’s hard to describe but I couldn’t concentrate, I felt hopeless and I couldn’t get anything accomplished at all. I tried all sorts of things to shake off this horrible feeling. Nothing worked. I phoned my husband and told him what was going on, asking him to let the kids know I wasn’t feeling well and I was just going to have to sleep this thing off. If that didn’t work, I knew I would have to go to the doctor in the morning to get some help. I asked him to please have the older girls (who were teens) make dinner as I couldn’t even manage that. So he said ok. But then I thought, wait a second…let me try one more thing: I stood up to this feeling! I addressed it like it was a real person attacking me, I ordered it to leave, I commanded it to go and never return. I even quoted Bible verses at it for good measure! I claimed my life back and you know what? It worked! In about 10 minutes I was fine…fine enough to get on with dinner and on with my life. I was actually dumbfounded that this worked, but it was my last ditch attempt and it actually worked.
Any time I now have any kind of depressing thoughts that do not shake easily this is what I do and it always works. I also did this against carpal tunnel syndrome in my hands. I was at the point that I couldn’t do more than barely lift a cup of coffee. I decided to face this condition down when I got completely fed up with it. I just didn’t accept it in my body. I told it to leave. In 24 hours it was gone and I was healed.(much to my surprise actually). I also decided right then and there that I would not be abusing my hands any more because I was partly to blame in that I had been doing a lot of balloon twisting for birthday parties on weekends for years). But still to get such a result so quickly amazed me.
As an HSP I started to realise that I tend to ‘give in’ as soon as I feel any symptoms of sickness- mental or physical, coming on. Now, I don’t give in as easily and have more of a fighting spirit in not allowing illness to overcome me. For me at least, this is where the battle turns in my favour, now that I have figured this out.
We have to know that there really is an enemy of our soul who wants us dead. Every human being has their weak areas, and it seems as if this enemy knows exactly what each and everyone’s weaknesses are and targets us during our lifetime. I believe if we are aware of this serious warfare that’s going on, and realise that we have power over it, then the battle is won. (of course we have to do our part, in taking good care of our selves…good nutrition, good sleep, not abusing our bodies in any way etc. getting therapy if appropriate, etc) It’s when you have no clue that there is a battle raging over you, and you just think mental issues and sickness are ‘normal’ that you lose the battle. At least i have two instances of healing in this way, and now I am prepared to do battle in the future should that ‘enemy’ try to have a go at me again.
I really hope this helps. Take good care of yourself!
All the best,
Marie
Marie, thank you!thank you for sharing this! thank you!
I thought at first I was alone at this being an Highly Sensitive Person, most people will say oh your just being to sensitive. Leaving thoughts of feeling wierd, what’s wrong with me, until the help of therapy and the Word Of Jesus. Finding some relief, healing, comfort. On the spiritual side,deliverance, when your this sensitive these spirits attracts to you easily because of our awareness. It’s like a beacon to them that makes them come. That enemy is Lucifer that sneaky but subtle enemy to all all humanity. Since the fall of he’s been deceiving tricking and taking our loved ones out one by one. Jesus did not come for us to have religion at all. He came to save us and redeem us back from the hands of that old cunning serpent who tricked Eve to eat of the fruit. Remember all that we have an real enemy. One that has been here long before along with his menions. The battle is of of minds where I find for us he’s attacking the most. In war to defeat your enemy, you must first learn the strategies of the enemy. This way we can arm ourselves. This battle is not one with physical weapons it’s won in the realm of the spirit. Ephesians 6: 10-12.
Finally my brethren ,be strong in the Lord and in the power of his might. Put in the full armor of God, that we may stand the Wiles of the devil.For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rulers of darkness in this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Verses 13-18
Wherefore take into you the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you be able to stand your ground, and after you done everything to stand. Stand your firm then, with the belt of Truth buckled around your waist.
With the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
In addition to all this take up the shield of faith, which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the enemy. Take up the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit which is the word of God.
This is a battle in the mind where he’s mostly effective at and in.
These weapons of warfare are both offensive and defensive weapons.
This can not and will not be done through man. Jesus is the only way that these wicked tormenting spirits can and will leave. It not religion it’s the truth. God gave us possession of all earth. The enemy tricked Eve, Eve thus tricking Adam, Adam giving up possession to the enemy. That has caused all this craziness in the world. Jesus come pays the ultimate death on the cross for All humanity. Redeeming us back. Time to take possession back everyone. Have strength all my sisters and brothers who are dealing directly or indirectly with being an Hsp. I will keep you all in my prayers. Keeping praying those who have not start, It’s the name Of Jesus that makes these things flee from you. So ask Him to come into your life to to help you, give it all to him. And watch him work. Trust me He will. Surrender to Him and Jesus will do it.
because these spirits are after our souls and they will stop at nothing to get to us.
The enemy seeks to kill steal and destroy. Have a blessed night.
Dear lord i come to you and ask you in my heart. Take these battles within me and free me of them. In JESUS name AMEN
Marie, this is amazing advice!
Thank you Marie, you do not know this but you may have just saved my life. I have been so depressed, despondent and have seen no light at the end of the tunnel for such a long time. I have not made concrete plans but had fleeting thought of different ways to take my life. Even knowing I have a teenager at home has not abated those feelings. I am exhausted from not only the drain of being an HSP but from family members and loved ones who don’t understand and who I feel don’t respect me and many of my feelings. I have always been the “good girl” who did everything right and was always there for everyone else. I don’t mean to give you a sob story but it has been so bad that my mental and emotional state has turned into debilitating physical issues.
Thank you so much for the reminder that we can fight back and take control again. I do believe that the enemy who walks among us or some negative energy or something has been slowly whittling away at my will and strength. Your description of fighting back may not be a permanent cure but one to be taken up multiple times if need be. But that little push from you tonight has brought me strength and a desire to fight back again. At a time when I felt so low and hurt so badly. Thank you deeply for your story and that simple reminder that I do have control and I do have a true choice in my emotional, mental, and physical health. I have been limiting my thinking and not believing anything would help. I did not want to do anything harmful but like others the battle and tiredness have worn me down to a very sad state.
Thank you for this article and for brave people who share their stores and trials. Tonight you have helped me and brought me out of a pit where I could see no way out.
It helps. Too depressed to type more but I’m going to try this.
I can totally relate – this sounds like me exactly
I am just seeing a new Pyschiatrist and she talks to
Me about being sensitive – and I’m realising that it’s true and that maybe I’m Bi polar I take meds for moods
I ve had major depressive episodes also since my 30 s but would recover or seem to for years – then have another one – then bang mid 50 and serious episodes – 2 suicide overdoses ( just kinda allowed myself to keep going over the line a and overdosed )
Now more regular hospital and everyone worse
Now just tired of the struggle stick and not sure what to do
It’s a horrible suffering – I can also go to work pull myself through days of work at a high level and prob seem fine
Esp as I’ve become more and more a hermit and my energy so low
But I’m still tryingand I know I can try more things ( try ) is not a good word it just makes me feel more pressure and failure and tired
But I know ok let’s go fir a walk small things
I think I have now a good Pyschiatrist one who isn’t making me feel like I’m a lost cause to an illness that’s going to take my life and already has taken
But maybe actually I’m just Highly sensitive and maybe that’s ok
Hello, I am glad you posted, but I must add I cannot accept “selfishness” with the suicidal ideation or act.
One can be so in the depths of despair and darkness that the pain is so intense and consuming that one must end it (one’s life).
You are brave to carry on with working, caring for your husband and dog, and to be of help to others. You take your adult children into account. But, it seems, you are bereft. You indicated you cannot find joy.
I have no answer for you except to find someone you can trust to speak with.
Truly, people who are suffering from depression and isolation do not need to be judged they are selfish. There is no pleasure in contemplating suicide or in leaving the only world we know.
My reasons for not carrying out in the years past was knowledge of not being helped but further harmed by my family ( I was young), the embarassment and further shame of having to look at people in the ER who would have wished i had “finished it right” (Judgement); when older, hurting my family, being further disconnected due to my act, and never seeing the face of God. My last statement: I do not know anymore if that is true. He gave me a life. I am to be grateful for it. But that is what I learned when younger. Now I believe if God is our Father, then truly as in most normal parents, He does not want to see any of His earthly children suffer. And if the suffering was so great, surely He can forgive me.
So, you see, there is shame. And I am amazed I am posting. I am ready for the blast of mentioning God (my culture. I respect others’ beliefs.)
Sometimes, Michelle, there are people who cannot take the inner pain or the outside abuse of daily living anymore.
Alicia, Your letter is beautiful. I, too, do not accept the judgment of “selfish.” Or that God does not forgive one who does kill themselves.
Over the years when I hear people (almost angrily) call suicide “selfish,” I cringe, because of a good friend who hastened his death as cancer reached the brain. I loved him dearly, but I do not think of his act as selfish. It is not my nature to judge in that way. Perhaps thinking of the act as “selfish” is a self-judgment that helps some . . . not act. Still, how can one person possibly know the inner realities of another? Alicia–I am not posing this question to you.
Thank you for your beautiful letter and willingness to speak of your faith, openly.
P.
The feeling of uselessness and being a burden could be a reason a sensitive person wants to kill herself. But I don’t think anyone is useless. You just had an impact on me which made me want to write you. So at that moment when I read your words, you were useful. Every time you make a move, you do some kind of work. Work is defined as energy causing a change. So if I feed my cat, I have done work. When you wrote, you did work and that work was useful, just like my feeding my cat. Without me the cat would go hungry. Without you many things would not happen that do happen. Even if you lie in bed all day and breath, you are still impacting others. People will eventually work to help you get out of bed or your cat will come and find comfort lying next to you. So these people/cat will work (expend energy) and that work benefits them and you. It is really, really hard if not impossible to be useless.
Thank you so much for these words, being a disabled HSP makes me feel sometimes useless, thank you for seeing the value in all.
Dear Michelle,
I felt compelled to respond regarding the idea “suicide is selfish”
I’m so sorry you are struggling and learning about being a sensitive person is empowering to understanding why life can get overwhelming for we highly sensitive people. Little back ground on me,
I am a therapist who works with children and teens who are in special Ed. “Emotionally disturbed” category, most are highly sensitive.
I am also the mother of three children, two highly sensitive and two that are gifted. My beloved son that was BOTH highly sensitive and gifted died by Suicide last year, he was 18 years old and a freshman away at college. We were blindsided he was popular, loving,handsome, well loved by all brillant, creative and very sensitive. The perfect storm hit, homesick, adjusting to new environment, break up, severe depression, partying too much and he became so severely depressed he started having psychotic symptoms. Because he was 18 we were told none of this and only learned the severity of his depression after.
It will be my life’s mission to search for the why? Why did such a beautiful, amazing person end his life?
We are “lucky” in the sense he left a note and several journals and poems.
He was having an existential depression and due to the severity of his depression thought he was becoming schizophrenic. Sadly his mind was tortured. Being gifted and highly sensitive is challenging, he definitely was perfectionist. Plus being so young his frontal lobes were not fully developed and therefore he was much more prone to emotional deregulation.
I now belong to the WORST club in the world “bereaved parents by suicide”. We are shattered, devastated, forever scarred by our children’s Suicide, but most of us HATE when people say ” suicide is selfish”. Why? Because we know our children suffered, they were in pain, they were not thinking rationally or due to either prescription or street drugs, not thinking clearly, my son died one week after starting Zoloft. It actually add heaps of burning coals to our already broken hearts when people say that.
So that’s why I want to figure out “why?”
And figure out how to better help these tender, amazing, brillant souls who feel tortured by life, guilting anyone into staying alive doesn’t work.
The mental health field I work in, is pretty clueless when it comes to really understand how to help suicidally depressed/anxious clients. I think learning more about HSP is a start.
This is also a great article :
https://themighty.com/2016/05/why-you-shouldnt-say-suicide-is-selfish/
I hope you may find comfort in this article and understanding and inspiration, we need all the loving sensitive people of the world and mental health field needs to better understand how to help and prevent suicide.
Peace,
Lisa
Dear Lisa,My heart breaks for you and am so very sorry for the loss of your precious son. I live daily with the fear my son will die,as he is a heroin addict that is also a HSP and is struggling with mental health and is now in jail. I am a HSP and at a loss how to mother him except for all the love in the world. A mother has a special heart towards her children and please know,you are a very courageous and beautiful person for sharing. My mother died from suicide,but your child,is different. I am a huge,mental health advocate,and pray that the medical community will open their eyes and realize how serious a problem we have. In Iowa,our govenor got rid of all our mental institutions and cut mental health money,so now our jails are full,and people are lost due to brushing mental illness under the rug. Just awful. May the sweet Lord comfort you and bring awareness to others,dealing with suicide and why it happens. Love and Peace,Susan
Michelle, I am similar to you in that I do not feel like a burden. Far from it. I feel like I have important answers if only I could get people to listen.
Whenever I feel suicidal, which has been more frequent since I entered my 50’s a little over a year ago, it is because I feel a hopelessness that this world will ever change for the better. Yes, I’m Highly Sensitive to all the pain and suffering we inflict upon ourselves through daily living choices a simple as the horrific movies we watch with death and destruction from start to finish, or the way we as a population poison our bodies with chemicals in our food supply.
I don’t however believe suicide is selfish. I probably would have done it already if it weren’t for people who would erroneously judge why I did it after I’m gone. This is somewhat humorous, because who cares what people think after you are gone? I’m learning, slowly, to not care what others think. When that process is complete, I probably will decide when I want to go on my terms.
For now, I’m just trying to get people to wake up!
“Politicians, religious leaders, and the like … all claim to have the answers to our problems. The truth is, they don’t. I don’t see the suffering as getting any better in my lifetime. Quite the opposite. The truth is, I rarely feel joy. I don’t see a future in which I will experience happiness. On the other hand, I am not weak. I am very strong. But strength (after so many years) doesn’t bring happiness … only weariness.”
I feel the same. I feel spiritually exhausted. Just completely worn out. Because I feel the suffering of others, it is overwhelming — no amount of activism, personal assistance, or well wishes can make a meaningful difference in this world today. It is so far beyond repair. (Like a fool, I still try, though. Just compounds the frustration and feeling of exhaustion.)
Not everyone, or even most (IMO), who commit/s suicide is/are selfish. Many/most people that you’d leave behind would be perfectly fine with you suffering endlessly so they could have you around. But what kind of compassionate person wants another to suffer? Those are the selfish ones. …I think about Robin Williams. I am glad that he was successful in his suicide. He was suffering. He had fought many battles, but eventually they became greater than his ability to cope with them — not for lack of trying but for scale. He had family who loved him, he gave so much love and joy to so many — friends, family, strangers. I’m sure he put his affairs in order*. I think he earned his right to peace.
[* If you have those who depend on you, not preparing for that before you go is irresponsible and morally objectionable — whether one dies of natural causes or suicide.]
I do agree with what you e said. As, I too,have thought of ending this world (just recently). For me, it wasn’t/isn’t because I feel useless because i know better. I feel like not waking up because I am so highly sensitive to others. Not only does it suffocate me, it exhausts me. Then I can’t for the life of me, figure hownor why people can be so brutally evil. I just can’t understand it. How can a person get to a level where they intentionally just destroy you? That right there disgusts me & it happens to me over & over & over again. And I’m just tired of dealing with evil souls. It goes against everything I believe in. With that said, I do also believe it is a selfish act. We do not live in a bubble and EVERY choice we make in life, whether it be good or bad, affects others in some manner. Taking your life is ultimately a self absorbed, inconsiderate choice. Having NO regards as to how it is going to affect the ones who do love us with genuine, unconditional love. That, to me, is selfish. However, I feel one who chooses to do such said act is one who had lost ALL hope. And without hope, you are nothing. Thanks for sharing
When u state that it’s selfish and think of those left behind, that’s selfish. We absorb EVERYONES emotions the good the bad and the ugly. It already makes me feel bad that it’s what my brain wants, but this is just adding shear torture and pressure upon the sufferer. Instead of telling a suicidal person they are being selfish maybe look at urself and think about that person and the hell they are in. I’ve been through more in 34 years of life than the majority goes through EVER. I am offended by ur comments. If I tell u half the shit I went through would you think it less selfish? Probably not. In my spirituality and my belief system souls never die. The body is nothing more than a vessel. The brain is part of that vessel and the chemicals in it and the environment destroy the vessel. Suicide is not the death of a soul but the failure of the vessel. All those who die by suicide (not commit suicide), with the exception of those just escaping the justice system, are not doing it to be selfish. The pain (emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual) is just too much to take. Everyone has a limit and if ppl don’t allow those who are HSP to recover what the hell do u think is going to happen? It’s overwhelming especially these days. So before you spout off about it being selfish look outside urself and really listen to those who are suicidal. In the end listening and understanding may be exactly what’s needed to save them.
Michelle, what you are doing is evaluation from an outside perspective. Selfish meaning here a lack of consideration for others and not purely for personal pleasure. Never assume the person who ended their own life didn’t repeatedly consider those dear to them. I also am no expert but when I was studying social psychology I remember being taught Durkeheim’s theory on the range of reasons for suicide including altruistic reasons. He was a social theorist and not a psychotherapist – I’m sure they could give you a much larger number of reasons or causes for suicidality. When I was in my early 20s and left my father’s religion which ostracized former members, he said “why are you doing this to me?” and then proceeded to cut off contact with me. Which is more selfish being authentic to yourself and honest with your family or evaluating someone else’s choices or actions taken for their own reasons as an action for or against oneself? The latter sounds narcissistic to me, but in times of grief understandably people feel angry towards the person for what they did. However, healthy self regard and self love means treating yourself well, so when someone treats themselves in the worst possible way you can assume there is something awry with their self love, that they are in a state of despair, emptiness, and bleakness that is so all consuming they are no longer able to truly care for others.
Thank you for sharing. This post really resonated with me. I’m chronically ill and my mind has changed so much from malnutrition, which is not in my control, that I don’t recognize who I am anymore. Suicide is selfish however, the pain I live with is not even living… It’s surviving. I’m so tired that any stimulant or stimulus is like oxygen to me. The downside is that it’s not healthy and yet I barely function on good days. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for my family who are in other states across the country. They are distant and I have run off every friend I had because I lost control and lost the ability to cope with the losses. Too much trauma and too much loss has devastating psychological and emotional repercussions. So, suicide would be humane if they experienced life the way I do.
I have always been strong and get back to the good fight because I love God and humanity as we are ONE. But I don’t even recognize my mind much less my identity because my disorder worsens with age.
No one can reach me anymore because I am incapable of long lasting intimate relationships. Eventually my sensitivity turns to crazy emotionally unstable and chaotic paranoia. I beg God and the Universe to help me remember my true self but I live with overwhelming grief.
Forgive me if I made this about me.
Michelle,
Life is a slaughterhouse of suffering and reproduction is a crime worse than murder. Life is a slaughterhouse of suffering and reproduction is a crime worse than murder.
You created pain by bringing your children into this dump and thus you are a definition of selfishness.
As a person who has been consistently suicidal for almost 30yrs, I’m 34 by the way, I am offended that you have the audacity to say those who die by suicide are selfish. I survived a broken home. I survived my father beating the shit out of my mother and then me. I survived my twin being terminally ill and needing my blood, my tissue, my bone marrow. I survived my twin dying in front of me and my world collapsing. I survived abusive relationships. I survived 6 rapes and multiple other attempts. How dare u say if I decide I can’t take it anymore that I am selfish. I’m O+ so I donate my blood because I know how many ppl really need it and want to live. I donate plasma to help with the advancement of vaccines and to help make medicines for others. I’m a registered voter and donor. I am constantly overwhelmed due to feeling what others feel and what I feel.
If you need any more details to make your toes curl you really should look at yourself and how selfish you are.
Omg you speak to me so deeply it hurts. I do am the “strong” HSP that seems to have an external toughness, success, etc. but I’m also tired. Tired of hearing and seeing everything. Most things others don’t notice, I do and then have to navigate the situation by acting like I don’t see or hear it, just to be “normal” or “not make a big deal”. I want to die, not because I’m unhappy or depressed but because I’m tired of having to carry so much weight on my shoulders and I feel like mankind sucks and I want no part in this misery. But I too have kids and a husband and I can’t hurt them either. But the more I see/hear the more I’m letdown. it’s not that I’m unworthy, it’s that life has become unworthy of me. Thank you for understanding! It seems we are alone.
My ongoing experience, my feelings are EXACTLY the same .. exactly.
Yes I really believe being a burden to others and feeling completely useless is absolutely a big factor in why they commit suicide. And it’s not a selfish act at all it’s a disease and should be treated that way. Would you say someone with cancer is being selfish for dying?
Dear Elaine and HSP Friends,
This post could not have come at a better time. For, my dear friend (and fellow HSP) Mike, shot himself in the heart last January 13th (no accident). I am totally devastated! I knew he was depressed, he had been on a variety of meds, went to outpatient therapy 3 times for 2-3 weeks each time, last year and often talked about how “down” he felt.
He was 44 years old and struggled with Fibromyalgia and chemical sensitivities, making it impossible for him to work (he was on disability) or deal with many mainstreams in life: perfume, hum of refrigerators or any EMF sounds, (he had a cooler on his balcony, no refrigerator), the smell of cleaning supplies so it was hard to travel & stay in a hotel or bed & breakfast, as well as many other challenges.
He was handsome, looked strong and fit, had a big smile, was humorous and fun to be with! We went many places together (day trips) and enjoyed one another’s company very much, as we were both HSP’s and could understand each other very well. And yes, I felt I should’ve “known” something was up, at the end, and should’ve called or gone over more often especially over Christmas.
And, perhaps the biggest kicker of all, is that I have 2 darling driving ponies and managed to find a gorgeous farm, 5 minutes from Mike and my house (we lived a block from each other) and had moved them to this farm right before Christmas. Mike loved animals, like I do, and had even been for a carriage ride with Dancer and loved him and being in the country and everything about driving. And, as most of us will agree, animals have a way of blasting through depression (or whatever ails you) in a way that can’t be found in medicines or modalities. Their innocence and truth touch us in a way money can’t buy. And, my ponies would’ve touched Mike in such a way, I truly believe.
So, besides not going over or calling him over Christmas, I feel doubly bad because I didn’t take him over to the new farm—why? I have NO IDEA! And, will regret this for the rest of my life. I’m puzzled, perplexed, and positively sad about this and Mike’s tragic, senseless and untimely death. Why? Why? WHY?
I am now waiting to join a support group for suicide survivors (friends/family of those who take their lives) which starts in April. I’m reading books and taking 2 classes on HeartMath and the Integral Heart. I’m writing, journaling and open to talking to anyone who may shed light on this tragedy. My heart is broken and I grieve. This post came along at the perfect time. Please stay in touch. I welcome hearing from you all.
Hey Phyll, Just wanted to say that your post really resonated with me and to add my condolences. Talking about this stuff is really hard. Many people don’t want to talk about suicide.. especially men which I feel just perpetuates the issue.
I totally agree with you on the healing powers that animals offer.
Take Care. Regards, Matt
Thank you very much, Matt. Yes, animals help me very much. I have many cats and 2 ponies that I drive in the countryside. I really resonated with what Elaine said, abut feeling I could’ve helped m friend NOT kill himself, that I had special gifts, skills and talents that could’ve dissuaded him HAD I ONLY KNOWN! This is awful. I appreciate this forum to reach out and connect with other HSP’s, for, only you really know/sense the depths of despair I feel. Thankyou for reaching out, Matt and others!
Dear Phyll and Lisa,
I would first like to say I understand, and am so sorry for the loss you two have to experience. I greatly relate to Lisa. I too am part of that worse group in the world of Parent Survivors of Suicide. I also joined Compasionat Friends and Survivors of Suicide (SOS). I however am coming up on my 5th Angelversy (The date my son passed away.
This article is the first time I have herd of HSP, and after reading it I am sure that two of my children, and I can be considered as individuals having HSP.
My first born child, and only son, Jorge had just turned 13 years old when he committed suicide. I was 29 years old in my senior semesters of my undergraduate degree. The last conversation I had with my son was about what he was going to wear for my graduation. There was no waring sings. No sense at all that he was even sad, and yet without getting into details it was proven to be a suicide, not at all accidental.
I too stayed haunted for the first 2 years after my son passed with the “why”. As time passed I found I had to make peace with the fact that I would likely never get the answer to “why”, at least not in this life time. I then found myself digging to find something positive out of my son’s tragic death.
I started to think about the TV show America’s Most Wanted, and the Amber Alert, and Megan’s Law; and realized that all of these had one thing in common. They were ALL created by parents that were forced to face the tragic death of their child, and it was as a direct result of that loss and pain that these parents were motivated to bring something good to the world.
It was in that moment my perspective changed and I began focusing on a way to leave a positive legacy. My son death was not immidiate, as doctor’s attempted to save him. My son was on life-support for four days, and on the fith day he was declared brain dead and it was removed.
I stayed at my son’s bed side the entire time afraid to sleep, thinking he could pass at any moment. He continued breathing 12 hours after life support was removed, and I watched helplessly in tears as he took his last breathes, and was declared dead.
It was not long after my son’s passing that I was diagnosed with PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety. The tragic loss of my son will always weigh heavily on heart and mind, but I have found that I must live for him now. I will say that the best way to describe the grief with the loss of a child is what I was once told at a group. That the “grief” is like a wave in the ocean. The waves will never stop and all we can really do is try to prepare for each one as it comes.
I send prayers of healing and love to everyone here.
Phyll,
I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your friend.
You are berating yourself about how you did not have him over to see the animals at Christmas. But it came to mind he could have asked you, also. The poor guy was overwhelmed with depression.
The times around the holidays are full and confusing. It is easy to have a thought of asking a friend over and then something else occurs to you. He was so consumed, I am sure, with his discouragement and pain, he could not find the energy to visit on his own or to call. Pain (spiritual, physical, emotional) is a thief of our mind and soul.
Mike meant it and wanted to be successful. He was determined. No intervention or all the love in the world could have stopped him. I know…because my dear friend , Dan , shot himself in the heart. He wanted to be sure his attempt would not fail.
I saw him hours before he took his life. He did not allude to a plan and told me he would see me later.
Guilt, grief, loss of the future of our friendship, and anger followed me the days and years after his death. I still miss him, but the guilt and anger are gone…it takes time and the support of people going through the same as you helped me cope. I tell you the guilt is gone. For the most part….there is always a fleeting thought of “what could I have done”…and then I must dismiss it…
Dan was a good man. He never meant to make others unhappy or to suffer, too.
Your animals are your comfort. They will speak to you in their own way. They know you’re suffering and love you unconditionally.
I am signing off because I am feeling inept in trying to offer comfort or empathy…
If he didn’t tell you there is no way you could have known. If you did know you would have thought of something to say such as ‘this will pass”, but maybe he wouldn’t believe you anyway and you didn’t get that opportunity. You might even have got him some professional help, yet still he could have found his way to the exact same place. We often live alone in our own private misery and the way we get through life is to save face. People may think that is only a Japanese custom, but we do it in the West all the time without realising it, or naming it. We get dressed for work, or a social gathering, a coffee with a friend and we don our better persona. We run into someone and are caught off guard and sensing something is off they say “are you okay?” and we say “yeah just a bit tired today… etc”. We all do it.
Hi Phyll. I’m sorry for your loss. I would like to express my opinion that NOTHING anyone else says can sway someone who really is done with the struggle. Please don’t take that burden on. Your love and support was appreciated by him I have no doubt, and I hope that is enough to ease your suffering.
Dear Phyll,
Your post has left tears streaming down my face, I am so sorry for your loss and for Mike’s suffering. I too have fibro and other issues that have rendered me disabled, and it has such a huge impact on self worth, I am unable to afford any professional help as I can barely make rent, and yes, thank you for understanding how invaluable the bonds an sensitive is able to share with their animals! I feel often alone int hat so many people don’t understand that if it hadn’t been for animals from my childhood throughout my life, I probably would have ended my life in my teens.
I wish you and Mike, wherever he may be, peace and healing.
Hello Phyl, Hello Linda,
I am an HSP of 45 years old with firbomyalgia. It is a brutal disease and unfortunately, the suicide rate among those patients is high. I used to climb mountains, now I can sometimes not get up the stairs. I live in a country where the disease is not even recognized, so that’s a very heavy emotional load on top. So please don’t feel guilty about your friend dying, I don’t think there’s anything you could’ve done.
May we all find peace.
Thank you for writing about this in such a meaningful way.
Hello HSPs,
I am glad to have found your website and this post. I read a couple your HSP books in 2009 and have not practiced and payed due attention to my HSP for too long. I am HSP/HSS and got very sick in 2010 with Stevens Johnsons Syndrome. I was grieving the loss of my beloved dog and took medicine that caused me to almost die. I look back now years later with high anxiety issues and high blood pressure and can see how I have been denying my HSP. It was my sensitivity to the loss of my dog that caused me to take medication that made me sick. I just wanted relief at the time.. emotionally. I struggle with depression, anxiety, work issues, relationship issues and suicide. I moved after this trama in my life to a big city – far from nature and the people I know and love. I thought the risk I took was a good one (HSS).. but now I am needing to make another change that just feels so overwhelming (HSP) and I feel frozen in fear that I don’t have the strength to move into something better for myself.
I took a class in animal communication and really want to pursue this as a profession. This feels right for my being HSP/HSS. I will continue to read your material on your website and your books for feeling more connected to both myself and others. Maybe there is a community of HSPs here in the Denver/Boulder area? I will have to take a look and see. I have looked for counselors but I would like to work with someone who understands HSPs and is affordable at my income level. Grateful to have found this information.. thank you
This post is interesting. Thank you for broaching the subject.
People who contemplate, attempt, and perhaps complete suicide are not stupid, silly, or selfish. They are in too much pain.
Thomas Joiner’s book, “Why people Die by Suicide” is very insightful in this respect.
Thank you to all of those who post remarking about social isolation. That along with unresolved pain is very difficult to live with. I have found the more I forgive others the less pain I have to deal with. I’m thankful not to dwell in the pit of despair so much.
Please, if you feel the urgency to stop living, reach out to a hotline, chat hotline, or warmline for help.
All the best, in life.
I like all you said. Thank you for sharing.For myself,social isolation,depression and lonliness,and add a huge stressor and imagined rejection and abandoment,a perfect storm for a suicide attempt. I called the crisis line,it was busy,thought it was a sign and took a handful of pills. I sat down in my recliner,thinking about what I just did,got totally scared,called my daughter and from 500 miles away,she called for help. I am greatful i am still here to post,but it has given me more understanding and empathy for a person on the brink. Please don’t beat yourself up if you have lost a loved one to suicide. My hope is that it will prompt the attention of being aware of signs and giving that person all the love you can. Love and peace,Susan
Thank you Elaine for this posting. I wrote an essay for the “This is Me” project a number of years ago. It was a project for LGBT youth created by a University student. He reached out to older LGBTasking if any of us had advice or life lessons to share with the community.
This Is Me
I’m grateful to be a part of Jonathan’s This Is Me project. I’ve decided the best contribution I can make is to share my experience with depression.
At the age of 12, 17, and 24 I tried to take my life. That last time, I was taken home from the hospital by friends who would not let me forget that I was loved and smart and needed and had much to give. These messages were difficult to believe.
Whether you’re a friend of someone experiencing depression or if you’re the one experiencing depression, I have learned a few things over the years that may help you. If you feel you don’t have friends right now this message is especially for you…try to remember you are needed here, on earth, now, really! You don’t have to believe me right now, I wouldn’t have believed someone telling this to me while I was depressed, but I know it gets better, here’s the proof… I’m still here, and I believe I belong here!
The marginalized are particularly vulnerable to depression. Our community has its challenges: between a myriad of social pressures, this nagging consumer culture, the demand for productivity and speed, multi-tasking, and, living in a nature-disconnected society, we all suffer.
I’m now living a rich, creative, and challenging life. Although depression periodically weaves in and out of my life, it no longer blinds me from feeling alive, and hopeful.
What’s different now is this; I’ve found support over the years in friends, counselors, books, support groups, workshops, and trainings. In time, I began to actually believe what my friends were saying; I began to receive their love and belief in me. This made all the difference. When I couldn’t believe it myself, I relied on what they had to say. Eventually, I made it my mission to learn about my needs; physically, spiritually, socially, and mentally. I’ve learned that for me, depression is a symptom of something inside of me needing to be seen, understood, cared for, and I didn’t have to do it alone.
Paradoxically, as I grow compassion for myself, accepting whatever I feel, without judgement, I feel a greater connection to and care for others.
If you feel you don’t have a friend you can talk to, I’ve a few resources you might want to check out below. When I couldn’t connect with people I did find comfort outside with nature and with my animal companions. The sound of ocean waves, wind catching my hair, the smell of pines, starry nights, the fragrance of a wild rose, … anything natural that I can sink my senses into helps pump life energy into me. It has become my practice to notice when I start to slide into the black and blue zone, and when I do notice, I immediately go outside, calm myself, breathing deeply, feeling the support of the earth under my feet.
Depression, one therapist counseled me, is a natural response to an unnatural situation.
A culture that does not support, appreciate, or value the incredible beauty and gifts we each hold is unnatural. The essence of my “Marlowness” was buried early on as a result of my experiences. I’ve been fortunate to have met others, in the form of people, spirits, animals, trees, rocks and oceans…who have offered the love, understanding, companionship and the affirmation I need in order to remember my unique nature and how interconnected I am with everything.
There is nothing static about this healing process. To heal means “to make whole, to restore to original integrity.” Being aware of how I am feeling is a life long process for me. Continually learning to take the tiller of this life of mine, rather than mindlessly reacting is a practice like any other. I do it over and over again, getting better at noticing when I’ve been swept away by an old story (“you’re stupid, ugly, untalented, have nothing to give, blah blah blah…”) This practice has truly helped me.
Depression as I understand it, isn’t a sickness. It’s a signpost, a directional signal, and it requires that I listen with kindness in my heart in order to move in a life affirming direction. Depression works like a compass. Its wisdom is natural and its guidance is accurate. It takes curiosity and practice to follow a compass of heart, mind, blood and bone.
If you have a friend dealing with depression, let your friend know you care just by being there. Listen if your friend wants to talk. Keep your heart open. Being a caring witness is powerful medicine. If you suffer from depression, know it will change. Everything does. Seek out people you trust for support. Get to know who you are, what your needs are. I know this one thing is true…none of us is really alone.
My intention is to continue developing my unique nature and in the process, contribute something life-giving to our human tribe and to Nature (of which we are an integral part.)
Here are some of the experiences I would not have had if I had died at the age of 24:
I would not have met my life partner
I would not have known life as a sober person
I would have missed knowing what it feels like to be loved unconditionally
I’d never have met the teachers and friends who taught me so much
I’d never have started making art again
Never would have had my first one person art show
I would have never gotten an advanced degree and taught Healing with Nature to hundreds.
I would have never written poetry or short stories or have been published
I would have missed so many beautiful moonrises and moonsets, sun rises and sun sets.
I’d never have learned to meditate, do yoga, or have the opportunity to swim in the clean cool waters of Lake Mohawk
I’d never have had the chance to forgive my parents and myself
I’d never have had the chance to meet some of my inner demons and learn the healing truth behind their creation.
I’d never have learned what my true strength is
I’d never have learned that my intention is just as important as my action
I’d never have created the New England Emmy nominated news series “Coming Out”
I’d never have lived in my little log cabin and grow asparagus,
I’d never have been able to rescue the box turtle walking down a road on Cape Cod
I’d never have seen the northern lights
Areas of inquiry that have helped me understand depression, healing, and resilience you might find helpful:
Learn more about personality types here: The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) , https://www.hsperson.com/
Learn more about Nature and Healing here: Project NatureConnect: http://www.ecopsych.com/
Learn more about Insight Meditation and Loving Kindness here: http://www.sharonsalzberg.com/
Please know I am not apposed to the use of medication! It can be very helpful in the healing process.
Thank you for reminding me to go to my journal and spend some time to write what I am grateful for -loved ones and experiences I would have missed had I taken my life. Your list is a gift.
I am grateful to the friends who took you home and helped you to believe in yourself and to encourage you so that you could share your wealth of creativity and compassion with the rest of us.
This topic hits me on many levels.
Albert Camus once said there is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide.
As a society, this is a difficult topic to discuss so we fear talking about.
I can relate to the struggle with accepting sensitivity as a gift as well as feeling different or being weird. I can’t talk about it because the words just won’t come out but I can express it through art and poetry so that’s what I do. The hard part is to now share that with the outside world.
That feeling of being ostracized and alienated and worthless… the disconnection from others is a truly horrific feeling. I think finding purpose and self worth is one of the most important things. If there is anything in this world that I’d love to be able to do, it is to help kids in this situation. I feel that art can offer a means to expressing that words often can’t. Shyness and lack of self esteem can make this feel like an impossible task but the thought of helping kids is one of the things that spurs me along.
ah, such a timely subject for me–the thought of suicide right now is very comforting to me–am I selfish, absolutely not, am I stupid, no—do I feel worthless, no– but, I am devistated by the loss of my only child, my son, 6 weeks ago–I am 66 years old, have done many volunteer projects that have helped many people–so, no, I do not want to make something positive out of this tragic event–I’ve done plenty of that over my lifetime for it to come to this end–I feel done–like I have done all that I can and all that I want to do in my life–my sunshine has been taken away—the pain is more than I can or want to bear, I just feel as though it is my time to be done–in fact I feel betrayed by life–I have always viewed suicide as a very personal event and a very private event—will I do it, I don’t know that I have the guts to do it, but it sure is a comfort when the pain of life is so intense that you feel as if you can’t go on—personal and private that’s how I see it.
Hi Jackie- I’m so sorry that you lost your child. I cannot begin to imagine what you feel. I just wanted to reach out and give you a virtual hug.
Hi Jackie, I also want to send you a hug and surround you with love. I hope you will consider finding a new “sunshine”, be it a person, animal, hobby or place, etc. We are spiritual beings, and our soul has a huge capacity for taking delight in all kinds of things. So let your soul do some brainstorming. Your son wants so much for you to enjoy your life, and he’s rooting for you and ready to help!
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. How horrible for you.
Your words echoed some of my sentiments. But we are here, Jackie. We still have a purpose.
You have served others but now is the time to draw back from that and allow grieving.
I wish you were my neighbor. I would have you at my home. You would not have to talk. You could just be. And be where you are without advice or platitudes.
My deepest condolences on your profound loss of your son. I am sad for your suffering and broken heart.
Jackie, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son. I would like to encourage you to find a local chapter of the non-profit Compassionate Friends, for parents who have lost a child. http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Find_Support/Chapters/Chapter_Locator.aspx
The death of one’s child is a very unique grief, and only others who have gone through it can understand. Sending you healing wishes!
Jackie,
I can’t believe I just read your post at this time.
I am here at this site right now because I recently just lost my son to a fatal car accident on February 4th, 2016, and am the same age as you. Chad was 37, and my miracle son I wasn’t supposed to be able to have. He was also a sensitive just like me.
His heart was so heavy from 3 friends over several years that had committed suicide, and he struggled because he missed them so much and felt he could have done something to help them. It broke my heart to see him suffer. But he had the kindest heart I have ever known and was loved by so many, and would do anything he could to help anyone.
I had told him how much alike we were, and that we feel things deeper than most, but that we had to be strong and not get a hard heart because of all the pain we felt for and from others.
But now I find myself in your point of view, and wish my time would come now. He was the joy of my life and reason for being. Now I feel empty, have lost 10 lbs., and struggle to survive another day. If it weren’t for my ex-husband and my two little doggies, I wouldn’t be here now. The ex came to the rescue and tries to make me eat, which is the hardest part. I feel I’m choking. Most of my friends live in other states and rarely call because I can’t quit crying, and they don’t know how to handle it. Unless you have lost a child, no one really understands. A part of you dies, too.
So here you and I are, knowing the same grief, fighting the same battle to survive, and trying to find a reason to keep going. I’m worn out mentally and physically and had more than my share of being sensitive to everything in my life. We care deeply, love deeply, and feel pain immensely for those around us.
I’m tired of the meanness in the world, corrupt politics, and hate filled people. And I’m tired of people telling me to put my big girl pants on and get on with life. I know they speak out of ignorance and don’t know what else to say, but it sure makes you want to go home that much more. I feel the same as you do right now.
The only thing that has even remotely helped me was reading Unfinished Business by James Van Praagh. I just ordered a couple more by him in hopes that it will help me keep going.
So, if you ever need someone who understands completely, get in touch with me. This is the most difficult time of our lives and age. My heart goes out to you and I feel your pain.
All I can say is we have to take it day to day and hope our prayers are heard. And we have to TRY and find a reason to be here, even though right now we just can’t see or find it.
So I keep trying to force food down I don’t want, drink my 350 calorie Boost drink twice a day, and pray a higher power will give me the insight on why he took my son. I would gladly have given my life for Chad to have had his.
My deepest condolences to you for your loss, I wish you healing and peace.
Matt, thank you for your response. I agree, making art, music, poetry is healing and an antidote to depression r even loneliness. What kind of art do you do? I do photography of animals and Nature.
It’s very soothing and healing. Enjoyed your comments very much.
Hi everyone!
I just learnt about all this HS, and now everything makes sence… I have been living in a big dipper way an all the things are mentioned here, including suicidal thoughts. I live in Mexico City and I have been learning a lot of things regarding this situation, so I have lots of tools, but deep inside, non of them can help when depression cathches me. Even with a lot of knowledges about many different things I can’t find my path an nobody seems to help me. Everyone avoids me. They say “you are really intense!”. So I don’t know where or who to go. I’d like to know if there is a community of HSP so I could find people that understands what I feel.
I don’t know if my english is correct and if you understands this message… I hope so!
Gaby
Your English is more than adequate. It is excellent.
I think anyone on this blog has been told more than once they are “intense”.
That is because some others cannot handle the depth of knowledge, or expression of emotion you have.
Isolation is another we all experience. It is horribly lonely.
Keep searching the web for support groups for the highly sensitive. I am still looking for something local. I won’t give up. Don’t you, either.
Take care, friend. And thanks for the courage to post.
Hi Gaby, if you’re still looking for a community of HSPs, here is a website that might be helpful to you: http://www.paslatino.net I wish you the very best and take care.
Hi Gaby, reading your contribution here, you really spoke out of my heart… as we say at us in Germany.
Because In many ways I made very similar experiences like you. Especially under the aspect that I lost my father by a dramatic suicide. His death overshadowed more than half of my life and there were many moments I thought I never get through the pain of having lost him for ever.
But: Ceaselessly trying to understand all the influences and developments which have led to his end, I have learned over long years gradually more than I ever could have expected at the beginning, with the question: Why did he do that?
And so I slowly realized, that his death became finally a late, but very valuable gift for me. That gave me an understanding for things in life and a strength to cope with later (and sometimes really difficult an hard) situations, which I surely never would have overcome before.
Now to you: About two years ago I´ve realized that I´m a very typical HSP. And suddenly I knew: FINALLY I have found the missing common denominator for all my former problems and frustrations during my whole life. Well, there were HSP-groups in the area where I live. But I was very discontent with them after a while, listening to the constant wailing of people which were not able (willing) to get out leave there lifelong victimhood.
So: What to do? I got active. Called the next newspaper, told the editor for health topics what it means, being an HSP and they found it so interesting that they published a lead story about HS and also me and my intention to establish the HSP-group I couldn´t find.
Till now, in just 1 ½ years more than about 80 people have been in “my” groups and it was amazing for me to see, that I had something inside of me that I could give them. How grateful and happy so many of them have been to realize through my activities that they were NOT the only human on earth with this inner loneliness and pain. – Especially when the local radio station made a life interview with me for at least 45 minutes about being a HSP. Don´t ask me, how agitated and nervous I was, – me, the anxiety in person, – talking life to thousands of people… But the resonance later on by telephone calls and mails of so many people which discovered for the first time in their life that the they are HSP – made more than amends to me, for everything before.
So why don´t you try the same? – I wish you the same experiences I made.
If it helps you, please write to mail@hochsensibel-rp.de
I don’t know if my english is correct and if you understands this message… I hope so!
Konrad
Thank you for mentioning the book title. I am in the in the mist day of depression now. In the last few days I got closer than I ever have before. It is not the legacy I want to leave my sons.
Also, it is true what you say, that actions towards scuicide happen when emotional and mental pain exceed resources for coping.
I have felt depression since about 13 or earlier too. Most of my life, the pain is so intense and lonliness very real, that the mind goes to scuicidal ideation as a way out of the pain.
It is interesting to note that most psychiatrists and health professionals are not familiar with HSP’s, the one who was speaking with me yesterday had not heard of Elaine Arion’s work, or HSP as a personality type.
I will look up the book you mention.
Hi Erika,
I feel compelled to reply to your post. I too am not in a good place. I am going to go out on a limb and tell you what set me over the edge (although I worry about being judged for it). My dog died. Actually we had to euthanize, as she had an incurable cancerous tumour that was causing her a great deal of difficulty breathing. She was also almost completely blind because of cataracts, and her back legs were just beginning to fail her.
She was a tiny rescue dog (she was severely mistreated in a puppy mill) and when we found her (through a rescue organization) 9+ years before, my heart melted and I connected with her immediately. It took her years (likely 4 or 5 to really trust us), and only in the last few years did she show signs of understanding how to, and wanting to play. She was likely about 14 years old, so not a young dog, but her bread has been known to live to almost 20, so I wasn’t really ready to believe it was the end of her life. The joy I experienced from her (seeing her joy upon my arrival home, having her snuggle in to me, to come toward me as I called her) was so beyond intense for me. It makes me cry, weep really when I think about what she overcame, and how she regained trust in people, and how she never complained, not through any of her deterioration, has taught me so much.
No matter how early I began preparing myself for her death, -weeks ago, I wasn’t prepared to feel this immobilizing emptiness from her absence. -I have a great family, married with a young daughter, and even have another rescue dog that I adopted before her, and still the pain I am physically feeling is beyond words. When I think about it rationally, I believe we did the right thing. I feel like it was the last kind thing I could do for her, in sparing her a painful, asphyxiating death. I got to spend the day holding her in the sun, and the vet came to our home and I held her and she basically slept as she passed on. To be honest, I hope I get to go in a similar way, feeling no pain, surrounded by those I love.
So although rationally, I feel it was right, I still question if I should have waited longer. Either way, I am just so devastatingly sad that she is gone. I know I also fear slipping into a depression. I know how dark it can get for me, and I am scared of going to that place. But I also just have a really hard time accepting the finality of death.
I want so much to believe in Heaven, and a small part of me does, in a spiritual sense, -I used to have very strong feelings and connections to the spirit world, but somewhere along the way I have lost that. After reading through Elaine’s blog, I know her recommendations towards meditation are what I need to try. I have a fear or lack of trust towards meditation and I have no idea why… especially when I know I need to connect spiritually. I am going to give it a real try. I hope you will too.
I am sure you have heard about the Golden Gate bridge study, where they looked at survivors of suicide attempts, and found that almost all said the second they left the bridge they regretted it. This has always stayed with me. And as much as I say I struggle spiritually, I know that deep down, taking my own life just doesn’t feel right. When I feel myself slipping into that dark place, as I have these past few days, thoughts about ending my life, bring me comfort, as they allow me to feel that there is a way out of the pain. And in this case, I fantasize about being re-connected to my dog, -but then I lose my belief in that actually happening.
Like you, I wouldn’t want my child to go through life with this legacy. I am so thankful that I have her, and my feelings toward her (and my feelings about her feelings) to ground me.
I am sure it’s obvious that I have written this message more for myself, though I didn’t intend to. I just hope that you are able to find a way to pull out of the pain. I am finding moments, like this one, where I can breathe a little better than I did before. I am going to look for ways to find beauty in life (thank you Elaine) and give my absolute best towards finding solace in meditation and hopefully spirituality.
Erika, your post encouraged me to write, and in doing so, it has helped, just a tiny bit. Thank you so much for that.
Kae
Dear Kae,
What a beautiful letter. To grieve or go into a depression after a beloved animal is “gone”–I would never judge you for that. Your letter moves me greatly. I feel like it is for all of us, because of your willingness to share.
P.
Kae, what a touching story! Grief over a pet is a measure of the love we feel for them. Many SPCAs and Humane Societies now have pet grief support groups, and I would encourage you to see if you can find one near you. I’ve attended them when I lost my kitties, and I sobbed through the entire meetings, but I felt so much better afterwards! Sending you healing wishes! <3
Reading these posts made me feel so much less alone. There is a community of people out there who feel just like I do. Kae, your story touched my heart and I reach out to send you my love. I know there is nothing I can say that will bring you comfort as you grieve, but I know that for me knowing someone cares means a lot.
Carly
Kae,
I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your beloved dog and was deeply touched by your post. I believe as a HSP that our connection with our dogs goes very, very deep. It is simply beyond words.
If I may recommend a book for you, I recommend “Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates: A Book For Those Who Have Lost A Pet” by Gary Kurz
Lucie
I feel for you and the situation with your dog. It is possible to have a really deep relationship with an animal that surpasses most people’s understanding. God sent you that dog. You will meet her again, just know there is no rush. She will be waiting patiently for you to naturally finish your own life. And she would want you to enjoy all of your years.
I had a rescue dog,he took years to attach and trust, as well. it took my rottie years to teach him how to “Play”, he finally caught on and loved to play chase games with my rottie and me. he was a beagle/brittany spanial mix. i miss him and my old rottie. i cry out loud when i think of the hell my mix breed lived before ifound him .
Dear Kae,
I read your post and empathized completely. Even though I also have another dog- a rescue as well, and my dogs best friend- I found myself completely incapable of dealing with every day life after the death of my older dog. I have found it incredibly helpful to offer a mindful moment, morning and evening, to remind myself that tho he may be gone but the lessens of love are not
Kae I have just stumbled across your post from six months ago and had to let you know how much reading it meant to me. It is strangely comforting to know that I’m not alone in feeling the way I do after the loss six weeks ago of my beautiful (rescued) labrador; to know I’m not the only one who has been “tipped over the edge” by the loss of a truly beloved pet. Quite a few months have passed since you wrote and I sincerely hope you’re in a better place now, but thank you for so eloquently sharing your story at such a painful time and bringing comfort to others in the process. Your precious dog was clearly as lucky to have you in her life as you were to have her.
Thank you for your post, it helped me in that I am going through a very deep depression after losing my two year old cat and being a HSP. He was beautiful and a rescue and he was extremely bonded with the pitbull I rescued shortly after him, so much so that seeing them sleep together and preen and rub , it always lifted me out of my heaviness and was such a gift. He was killed by a speeding and probably drunk driver, as there was a party in our neighborhood and he was killed right outside the house. I am racked with guilt bc I always have them indoors at night but had a fender bender and forgot to do so. Seeing my pitbull without him is heartbreaking, and I struggle through it. Thinking of suicide as you said is sometimes the only brief relief. I am disabled and 54 without family, so it has been a terrible loss on top of a very difficult life of past trauma and now financial strain, so I am unable to afford any professional help. Thank you for understanding the bond a HSP can have with an animal, so many have told me to just ‘get another cat’ and it is so hurtful. Best to you.
Kae,
*hug* to you on the loss of your buddy. As an animal lover (and rescuer), I can relate to your story — in fact, I’ve been there too many times.
Take this story and amplify it times _millions_, and one would know my DAILY pain. The physical and emotional pain that I feel for every animal subjected to cruelty:
> the tens of thousands that die in animal shelters daily across this country for the single reason that they are homeless;
> the wildlife that is subjected to the terror from idiots with guns who stalk and kill them for _fun_;
> the hundreds of thousands of animals who die _daily_ because they are tasty to humans
I also feel pain for the people who live with the blood on their hands (animal services, slaughter houses), because this is the only job they can get. And, I feel the pain of all those like me who believe that these cruel & senseless practices are wrong.
That is my world. My sensitivity to the external world allows me to feel that viscerally (and physically) 24/7. Whee!
I cried reading this about the dog! The animals are little God ‘s créations and so vulnerable! Hope you feel better.
Kae,
Wow! So much feeling packed into a few paragraphs.
Your connection to your dog is profound. Perhaps a reincarnation is in the making, and she will be back again. Keep your spirit alive. Mind body spirit need to be centered.
I am HSP also. My next oldest sister, beyond being an introverted empath, had dreams of things the night before they happened. Random things.
Her pain did become overwhelming. She succeeded at suicide 12 years after her first attempt, almost to the day, nearly 16 years ago.
We are all left suffering, and in severe emotional pain. Which then manifested in physical pain, in some of us. Suicide takes away their pain. The people left behind suffer. Sometimes it’s unbearable. I keep on keeping on. My tears flow writing this. Your children need you. They do in fact ground you. If I didn’t have my 2. I would’ve followed in my sister’s footsteps a year after her.
Her name was Judith A HEINZ she wrote a book, “Diary of A WHACKED Out Bitch”. Copies still sell on ebay. My daughter and I went looking for a copy of the book in 2004-2005. I was sitting at the computer, by myself, crying and reading a blog about how my sister’s book saved this woman’s life. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and turned. I was alone in the room.
We are here for all of you, in spirit. Stay strong!
I know the same exact feeling 🙁 WOW after all these years I truly thought and knew there was a word for this disease…
Anne, your words could be mine.
Sometimes the pain is so great from isolation, alienation, shunning that I see no way out after I have exhausted studying spiritual or intellectual pursuits. Sometimes I am so grateful a cashier has smiled and been pleasant that I could weep.
I am not a loser. I have been a successful and well-regarded professional for over 37 years. I have the art of deflecting any questions about myself so that I will not be judged or condemned.
I am known for being very kind. To be any other way would be against who I am.
I am sorry you have suffered so. Tritely , it seems, I can say you are not alone.
I believe knowing there are others who feel the same way has gotten me through my darkest days. And the legacy of suicide, as you say, would be horrible for those you and I love.
I have lost a dear friend to suicide. He was far from stupid. He meant to do it and make it permanent. I saw him hours before he shot himself. I am a sensitive, and I did not see anything different. I live with that still. And , I also know, if a person is truly determined , no one can stop their actions. Intelligence cannot quell the pain…
I hope you are as ok as you can be. I hope there are trusted resources for you.
We need to be here, Anne. We have enriched people’s lives without knowing it. Sometimes it is years later we receive the gift of knowledge of how an action or words we spoke to others changed the course of their lives.
Alicia,
Thank you for your thoughtful and beautiful response. I have had similar experiences and also have a strong aversion to judgement. I rarely enjoy talking about myself and am sometimes overwhelmed by the smallest displays of kindness or connection. It warms my heart to know that there are people with whom I share these traits. God bless
HI to everyone
I have lost so many in my people in my life and animals to. I have seen so many horrible things happen to others as well as to me. I am so scared to go anywhere. I have let people in and heard so many horror stories. I have felt that everywhere I go if I am to be yelled at and put down anymore I put on this fake tough exterior. I have been told not to take ‘s…the anymore. Everything others say triggers memories from my past and others. I have pushed myself so hard to get over and carry on. Even when I don’t know someone I feel so much that I cannot stop myself from grieving. I have called so many horrible things told to just do myself in. I do admit that most everything that people have said is all true. When I was young I was in and out of hospitals. I had trouble learning in school. Always behind and even others hurt me I always felt someway I should help. I now think all I did was caused more harm than good. I feel I need to be punished in someway. I just don’t know anymore. I am suppose to believe others care but it makes no sense to me anymore. I can’t see how anyone could care for someone like me if I have stopped caring about what happens to me. When I was young I prayed for everyone and God took anyone or anything that mattered away from me. I truly am sorry god if I misread anything that you were telling me. I guess I am just evil for what I did do wrong. D
I think the intention of “stupidly” was that, in one’s anger (among many, many other feelings, mostly of compassion) at someone who has left us through suicide, some people feel it was, again among other things, infuriatingly “stupid.” Understanding it as an accident takes away that feeling to some extent, I think.
I have been considering suicide on and off since my non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma diagnosis in July. The treatments have been very difficult for me and although I never considered taking my life in the past it has become a much more constant thought now that I have entered into yet again a more agressive treatment. I never thought of myself as a highly sensitive person until I took the quiz recently and I also don’t know if it’s the chemotherapy itself causing all the sensitivity or the situation which seems endless, but I had an overwhelming number of HSP characteristics on the quiz.
There seems to be no support psychologically for cancer patients …my doctor is only interested in ordering the poison not in the emotional or psychological aspects of this disease. I have been so disheartened by the lack of concern and empathy by all but the nurses and even they seem to be a bit clueless at times about what’s going on. I guess the medical community sees so much cancer that they become hardened to it.
Because of the disease and subsequent treatments which cause devastating weakness and fatigue, I have become very isolated so
visiting this site and realizing that so many others feel the things I’ve been feeling has been helpful to me today.
Dear Sue,
Your letter reminds me how “jig-sawed” our health system can be; how the physical is treated without an equally powerful support system for the whole being. It’s not just about kindness; it’s about ways to help someone figure out what’s right for them, each day. Something that has helped me is cranio-sacral therapy. Meanwhile my heart goes out to you and hopes that today has light in it.
Priscilla
I’d really like some resources for the severely depressed, highly sensitive person. I’ve been looking for treatment for major depression and PTSD, and things have gotten pretty drastic. Even when I am looking for an option to save my life, I look at most programs available to me and know that they would make it much, much worse. I’ve been in therapy and trying everything recommended for some twenty years (off and on), but when they suggestion is a treatment program, and I see how much those programs are not set up for the Sensitive among us, I’m pretty sure that isn’t an option, either.
Dear H,
For finding help with severe depression that is sensitive to sensitivity, you could check out a list of therapists on Elaine’s website here:
https://hsperson.com/therapists/seeking-an-hsp-knowledgeable-therapist/
They’ve studied enough about sensitivity to be fully aware of it. They may not all specialize in your type of depression, but you could inquire.
Elaine has also written about finding a good therapist here, if that helps. That article is here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elaine-aron-phd/personal-development-how_b_580537.html
I know severe depression can be so painful and so difficult. I wish you all the best in finding the right kind of help for you.
H,
I empathize very much with you. Please look into DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy). A six month to two year program of weekly classes, accompanied by an hour long private therapy session that deals with the cause(s) of the illness, acceptance, and building a life worth living.
It a program that has helped many people who suffer from PTSD, Depression, Bipolar, as well as some of the other major personality disorders, and/or illnesses. It is the only program known today that has been proven to effectively treat HSP’s diagnosed with Borderline Personality illness as a result of traumatic and constant childhood abuse and/or neglect, as I did.
The program teaches us the tools needed to regulate our emotions, to be able to feel our emotions but not BE our emotions, accept the past, learn to shed our judgements, and behaviors that do not serve us. This program is changing my life after 35 years of being misdiagnosed which ruined my life, crippled my success, and sabotaged every single love relationship I have ever had.
Your life can change. I know because it’s changing mine after over three decades of feeling separate, crazy (I hate that word!), and unworthy of the love that I see everyone around me enjoy.
In closing, I would like to say that people who contemplate, attempt, or succeed suicide are the polar opposite of selfish. Suicide is usually a persons last choice, and excluding those who use it as a means of euthanasia, the suicidal person’s goal is not driven by the desire to end life, but to end a pain so excruciating, so deeply felt that it’s literally become cellular, and suicide is the only thing left to try because all other efforts have usually been exhausted. i know because as a person with Bipolar I, I have had thoughts of suicide cross my mine most everyday of my life. So often that I thought it was normal. But the thoughts were just thoughts. Even during good times those thoughts would just casually stroll across the sidewalk of my mind. I just thought they were weird and detached, as if they were someone else’s thoughts.
But when an event triggered my BP behaviors and the spiral, chaos and horror that followed those suicidal thoughts often went to the planning stages, but the faces of my children stopped me.
On March 10th, 2015, I woke up to a beautiful southern California day with a smile on my face, and excited about my day. Then my (untreated, and very damaged) 28 year old daughter started an arguement which lead to her calling me such horrible, ugly names that I ran out of my house with my dog. That was at 9am. At 1:30am I was on life support, and died three times over the next four days each time they tried to take me off of the machine.
I did not want to die. I wanted to kill the pain that has been torturing me for over 35 years. i was not selfish, nor have I eve thought I was a burden. On the contrary, I was and always will think that I am amazing.
I am with Marlow in thought that we are all beautiful, unique, and special. We have more to offer the world than those “ordinary” people. Being an HSP is a gift when you start believing it is. A tiring gift, but a gift indeed.
To be able to feel the world around me and not just see it through the eyes of the average is worth having to feel the worlds pain now that I am learning how to regulate my emotions.
I can feel now with less intensity, and without losing the passion that is our gift from the universe. Embrace it, control it and accept it as a gift, not a curse. You can’t give it back, so radical acceptance is what’s left to chose and happiness, too. Focus on the beauty of each the moment.
DBT was useless for me, because it’s highly rules-based and structured. I felt that it was the therapist I was performing for and was accused of being willful, uncommitted, noncompliant.
Not a good match for me, at all, not an interactive, dialogue-ing, loving, empathetic thing–more like someone’s pet solution. I don’t have time, while struggling to tolerate being alive, to prop up someone’s system to the advantage, detriment or irrelevance to my situation.
I felt rejected by people in the DBT group, which hurt rather than helped. And there was no forum other than a rules-based one to get through this, so never could process it. And because DBT was developed for borderlines, I always felt that stigma, though my diagnoses was major depression…..
When you are depressed/devastated by something, or that’s your typical way of existing, and it’s highly suggested you “comply” it’s not always helpful.
I diagnosed myself as an HSP after reading your book three or four years ago. I’ve had an extremely upsetting experience recently with a two-faced woman who mistreated me, plus my mother died at about the same time, and have been in an awful state for about six months: constantly in physical and mental pain, and with recurring thoughts of suicide. I feel as if I am trapped between life and death: too sensitive to live, too afraid to die. Help!
Hi Dr Aaron,
Have you ever considered the idea of highly highly sensitive People HHSP? Is it possible to be so extremely sensitive that it’s difficult to just watch tv or listen to any music whatsoever? Or is this just on the high end of the HSP spectrum?
Have a wonderful day..
Hi Amy,
I found your post especially interesting, as for long time I have avoided listening to music and watching tv. My family has been very supportive in this regard and everyone uses headphones when watching things on screen or listening to music.
I read the comments above, and some really lifted my spirits. I’m a self-diagnosed HSP and I get suicide “flashes” a lot these days (like fleeting thoughts of it). I’m in my early 30’s. A couple of years ago, I had to quit my job due to exhaustion (working crazy hours). I realized I had some major work to do on myself because in my head my behaviour was just not making sense to me and I knew something was off with how I was living my life.
Fast forward now and after 5 years of ongoing psychotherapy, countless other therapies (acupuncture, naturopathy, massage therapy, etc,) which I spent most of my savings on while only working part time, I still find myself today hiding in my apartment, alone, now with no job, no income, more and more sensitive to everything around me and shying away from relationships. All of my good friends and family live away, and some of them I have trouble keeping healthy boundaries with.
I know now I’ve been an HSP all my life, but trained myself really well to hide it growing up, until my whole “pretending” collapsed when I quit that draining job. Add to that wicked insomnia that’s been plaguing me for the past 10 years while I used to sleep a solid 10 hours a night before that. And I’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which as far as I’m concerned is a “default” disease doctors assign to you when they don’t know what’s wrong with you. Basically, my body feels chronically like it’s burning all over, and some of my joints ache for no reason. I’ve gone to see a nutritionist also to look at my diet, what foods I’m eating. It helped to make my diet really healthy, relieving some physical symptoms, but my anxiety did not decrease.
My problem is that I’m caught in a vicious cycle of everything hurting me emotionally now – talking to a depressed friend sends me into a spiral of depression. Trying to start a new romantic relationship causes me so much stress and anxiety I devour junk food (I’m usually a very healthy eater) and then I go in major spirals of self-loathing and end up running away from the other person and from a chance at happiness. I’m scared to go seek a new job, even though I have a good education. I feel so overwhelmed and so inadequate that I can’t deal with these simple life situations while other “normal” people can.
I know about guided meditation, which I have done. I’ve also done a some yoga, which helped. But I keep on forgetting to do these things, or I lose momentum really fast, even though I have binders full of self help articles I’ve read and catalogued. I end up forgetting all that I’ve learned. And all these activities cost money if you’re doing them in a group. If I do meditation alone at home, there I am again – alone.
It’s so so frustrating. Even flashing lights in my apartment, from my phone or computer, make me want to throw the electronic device out my window now. I never used to be this bad.
I just am finding it harder and harder to gather whatever strength to keep on pushing forwards. It feels like every day is a dead end and I don’t know why I wake up in the morning.
Does anyone have any advice on what I can do that I haven’t thought of yet? I know I need to go in nature. My body is screaming to go relax in nature – again, when I do go it’s alone. I’ve done it a few times alone, but it’s not safe to be on hiking trails alone and city park just aren’t cutting it anymore.
Hi. I have discovered that I’m HSP just yesterday. When I was 13 years old I had two attempts of suicide but somebody called for emergency and they managed to help me both times. Then I started to go to church and it helped. But two years ago I got married. (Now I’m 27). Since then I’m getting deeply upset every day. I can’t handle the way my husband treats me. I am tired and having no interest for life and future. Those terrible thoughts are coming back. And I’m also afraid to get mental illness or something like that if I worry too much. I’ve never been to a psychologist and never gotten any special help and never taken any medicine. I moved to a different country as well. I am not really sure how it all works and if I should seek for help and where… I’m so afraid of myself. It feels like every day it’s more and more difficult to control myself. Is there anything I could do to help myself? I would be very thankful for advice.
I deeply feel your concern. We admins rarely post comments, but I want to be sure you, and any others who are seeking help, can find what you need.
One place to start would be the list of HSP-knowledgeable therapists on this website: https://hsperson.com/therapists/seeking-an-hsp-knowledgeable-therapist/ If there isn’t a therapist listed in your area yet, Elaine has also written an excellent article on how to find a good therapist, and you can find that here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elaine-aron-phd/personal-development-how_b_580537.html Elaine urges all to please find help where you live, and keep “shopping” until you find someone you trust.
As Elaine says at the end of her post, if you feel you need more urgent help, please don’t hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
If you live outside the U.S., please see International Suicide Hotlines here: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
I hope this is helpful, and take care.
As an HSP person and therapist, I would strongly recommend starting therapy by getting a referral for an HSP trained therapist from Elaine’s website. It could make all the difference for you. If one therapist doesn’t feel right, try another one. The connection between you is the most important thing.
Wishing you inner peace and self acceptance.
I feel like I am a toxic person, I am constantly feeling emotions that seem like they aren’t there. Asking if my loved ones are okay because something doesn’t feel right, and then they get annoyed because I can’t accept ‘I’m fine’ as an answer when it isn’t true.
Then there is my body… I can’t have a normal outing with friends because I know the next several days my body is going to be all twitchy and on edge from the events, even of it wasn’t anything too big.
I’m so glad I stumbled across this site, because it tells me so much about myself. I can try and convince myself I’m not toxic, that I’m not crazy. When it feels like my nervous system is freaking out from anxiety and stress on my body, it isn’t all in my head!
Sarah look up empath. As an empath along with being HSP we pick up on energy. Regardless of others words or expressions we feeeel their energy. This can make us feel good or not good. I know for me I’ve gotten to the point it’s not always worth the risk of meeting new people. I see so clear and feel bad intentions and then I get depressed that there’s so few people with good energy around.
I had surgery a month ago (rhinoplasty), I had deviated septum, but not that big & not so visible for others to see because people always see me with glasses, and didn’t notice my crooked nose. This complex about my nose I had it forever, since I was a teenager, now I’m 27 years old and finally I had the money to get it fixed, and I thought this this surgery would make me happy and feel good in my skin, so I did it. Now I feel so depressed and demoralized, I can say it was the worst decision of my life, I suffered from depression before surgery but not so deep as now. Since I saw my nose for the first time after the 7 day after the surgery, from that moment I feel like I died, like something was amputated, I feel like I destroyed my beauty, I don’t see my old self in the mirror anymore, now I see the ugly version of my self. In this month since the surgery I suffered panic attacks and deep anxiety,
and I’m afraid to leave the house. And I thought about suicide… I am a visual artist & a highly sensitive person, and I need help to regain my confidence back and not do something stupid to destroy myself. Now my brain is my worst enemy. I apologize for my grammar, I’m from europe.
I recently ended in a med-psych ward for an overdose. It was not an attempt on my life,but a deep cry for help and not a planned event. When an HSP that has major depression,reads that suicide is stupid and selfish,I get it,that most will never get it. My mother killed herself at age 47 and I was 25. It had an effect on me,my entire life,until I finally understood,the pain and weariness in her own life. I ,had to go back,forgive her,not only for taking her life,but being abusive to me. When I let love lead me,I respect her wishes and only hope she is at peace now. God bless to all those affected by suicide. My prayer for all is that if you are so depressed with no way out,someone will lift you up before it is too late. Much love and compassion,Susan
I do as well. It’s the last thing in the world you need is to be judged for having such thoughts, or to even seriously consider it. Stupid can sometimes be used to mean senseless or unnecessary. However, the connotation is much more often literal. To me, it is but a mirror of the extreme depth of pain you are experiencing – and the hopelessness of finding any real or lasting way out of it. I’ve had thoughts many times at different points in my life. Never to the point of actually wanting to go through with it. But certainly thoughts. I think it’s to be regarded with respect and compassion.
This is not an easy subject to discuss especially considering we’re all most likely highly sensitive as well as touched, in some way, by suicide.
I admit the partial quote, “and stupidly, as we may feel” stopped me in my tracks. I reread it and continued on. It appears she was trying to relate to the many people who truly do feel this way about suicide. it definitely would’ve been best to word that differently. It seems to me she wanted to reach out to those hurting by suicide in the hs community, in response to the requests she received. It’s possible that it was put together rather quickly in an attempt to give us some insight, comfort… something to hold onto for now.
I appreciate all the work Dr. Aron has done and continues to do to for highly sensitive. I’m sure the stress is plentiful. A highly sensitive person writing about sensitive things FOR highly sensitive people…what a task!
I am one of the people who wrote to Elaine Aron concerned about the connection between the highly sensitive and suicide. I attempted as a teen and again as an adult. I’m 45 now and have a much better understanding thanks to her books. I would love to see the schools touch this subject. Too many kids as well as adults are highly sensitive and feel so very flawed. Without an understanding, high sensitivity can lead to so many wrong decisions. Some deadly.
Thank you, Dr. Aron, for addressing this subject in response to your readers.
I appreciate all you have done and continue to do.
Given all the factors in your job, you are one brave hsp!
I am a straight up HSP and have been suicidal for 80% of my waking hours of the last three years. I have been bullied at work in most manipulative fashion, and just all to familiar with the cruelty of too many humans. I wish I’d never have been born into a funky world. So Why be here if it’s not fun?? But alas, I hang on I guess another 40ish years, unless I’m lucky, because I can’t do it to my family. Lots of people, really like me and I’m a gifted performing musician who is happy in those moments but may never figure out how to make it my means to live. I hated every job I ever had, including quite a fancy career. And I know I have some great qualities. But so do a lot of people. I’m beyond weary of the sadness and injustice. The bad guy/girl often wins. Goodness is practically a weakness. I am giving up on a whole new way and I’m terrified, the demands of life are constant.
To me, life is like the carnival ride that turned out not fun – I want out, but most seem to be enjoying the ride. Personally, the cruelty and heck the economic imperatives alone, spoil it all for me. It’s like, so many people are into hurting others so I wanna leave because they get to me, despite all my pride and effort. I don’t want to deal with another jerk, and oh I have a hair trigger which is not in my nature!
My thoughts are clouded by depression. I know this. Can anybody help? Say something about overcoming the “world”. Because I feel ruined, but hope that’s the depression talking
Bullying doesn’t end in schools. Those bullies grow up and they choose targets whom they know they can affect and they intentionally mess with people. I too recently dealt with this and when I spoke up for myself and others the bully let us all go. He’s the owners son so power is why he was feared. I’ve always preached to see the light again we have to be heave enough to go through the trenches. But I feel you! I just can’t stand the power others have and the desire they have to hurt others. It makes my soul hurt. We can’t let them win.
I am here.. new, on this site… a hypocrite whose actions have finally come full circle.
Admitting that I identify with the HSPs.
I am a horrible person honestly. I’ve always been ultra sensitive, and while I share many of the same characteristics as HSPs. For me, it’s often expressed through bitterness and contempt.
When someone wrongs me, I tend to lash out not only at them but at everyone through words. When I’d feel like killing myself I’d often find others who were suicidal in order to mock and degrade them for their sensitivity and suffering, only to hide the fact underneath it all I wished I was dead every second of the day… everything gets to me… I am a highly sensitive individual, you’d never know this because I mask it in a parade of “toughness” or looking like I don’t care.
When really I can’t stop caring, I care TOO much, about those close to me. Those who have lifted me up and made me feel like somebody only to throw me down and torture me and play with my heart. I know this is normal to happen but to me all of these emotions are amplified by my extreme sensitivity.
And I used to take out my suffering by dragging down the hearts of other suffering people.
Thank God I’m even living,
All I’m saying is;
Oftentimes the most bitter ones are the most sensitive,
the most vicious, are the ones suffering most,
the most hateful, are the most in need of love.
People like me are ultra sensitive just like everyone else on this site, simply we had too many people trample on our emotions to a point where it comes out as hate.
Before I’m asked, no, I don’t treat people that way anymore. I just happen to be HSP, suicidal in my thinking, and even worse knowing the harm I’ve caused other people.
Thank you for writing this, I had just written a virtual novella of my own tonight. I often write things out to cope with whatever emotional crapola has me bothered at the moment.
You ever feel alone? Like, really alone?
I’m married with two kids, and sometimes, I feel more alone than I ever have.
It’s not about literally being alone. There could be 20 people in this house and I think I’d still feel that way sometimes.
It’s more about not having anybody who really understands you.
Tonight is one of those nights.
I had kind of an upsetting night at work. Not really super-terrible, just one of those things that nags at your confidence level. My confidence level is rarely very high at all, so it typically doesn’t take all that much to knock it down somewhere around the zero mark.
Came home and wanted to talk to my wife about it. She leveled a criticism that was totally fair and right on the mark, but worded it in a way that hurt my feelings.
I think sometimes with overly sensitive people (and I recognize I am that, for better or worse) it’s usually not what you say, but how you say it. And a lot of times, when we’re feeling particularly vulnerable, that how you say it doesn’t even have to be necessarily mean, but just said in a certain way.
I don’t expect everybody to get that. I think it’s one of those things where if you live it, you understand it, and if you don’t, you have no frame of reference.
Anyhow, I told her basically that I wish she could be a little less blunt in her criticism. Again, she wasn’t wrong, I just wished she could have phrased it a little nicer. Obviously that was not something she wanted to hear, and the night ended in a big old argument.
So now I’m 0-for-2. I certainly don’t feel any better about the work situation, and now I feel even worse having the evening end in marital discord — and this happens far too often for my liking.
Later on I sent her a text apologizing for my part in it and asking if we could start the conversation over. She didn’t respond. That’s even more frustrating – it’s like she doesn’t care at all – even though I know she cares somewhere deep down and is just taking her typical passive-aggressive approach.
0-for-3.
If I am perfectly honest with myself I think we have some pretty severe compatibility issues. We just don’t “get” each other too much of the time, which makes me sad, because I love the hell out of her, really. There’s just not an easy, natural give-and-take there, sometimes I wonder how long the relationship can really last going the way it is.
For all I know, she might be as upset as me, but probably not. She’s one of these Type A people that goes around bending the world to her will, shrugging off negative feelings like a stray dog hair on her shoulder and gets about the business of the day with single-minded determination.
I would love to be one of those people. I admire those people in a lot of ways, seems like life would be so much simpler to be one of them. Surely, not being an emotional cripple must have some pretty great advantages.
Yet at the same time I am so frustrated with them for not understanding how callous and cruel they can seem – whether its intentional or not — especially when somebody like me is depending on them for emotional support.
Maybe it’s not fair to expect that of other people. I don’t know.
I understand why people kill themselves. I really do. I’m not saying I’ll ever do it, I’m too scared and there are two little boys asleep in their rooms who need me around for a while. But at my lowest points, I get it. I SO GET IT. People will hear about a suicide and say, I don’t understand how somebody could do that, how could they get to that point.
Well, I do understand. It’s that feeling, that nobody else “gets” you, and that even worse, when any attempts to talk to people about your problems end in even more frustration and feelings of hopelessness because the gulf between your different understandings of the world is so far apart.
My wife is hardly the first person I’ve tried to talk to about my issues that doesn’t “get” me. And every failed attempt is like an exponential widening of that gap, and the empty pit in your stomach just grows and grows and grows.
Sometimes I wonder if my understanding is some sort of calling. Maybe I should do something about that. Start a support group or something. I don’t know.
What I want people to understand is this. If you have that super-sensitive, emotional person in your life, the one that gets depressed a lot and whose day can be ruined by what seems like the most inconsequential thing to you.
That person does not want to feel this way. They are not being a “drama queen” or attention-seekers. They legitimately need someone to hear them. Offer suggestions, sure. But more than that, it’s just about knowing they are not alone in the world.
We all have issues. I’m hardly an expert, a psychologist, or anything else. But I think I’ve been in this world long enough to understand how people like me feel and I’m willing to listen. Maybe, just maybe, we can somehow help each other find our ways in this world.
That’s all I’ve got for now.
Dear Anonymous,
I “get” you! Your essay really moved me and I understand how you’re feeing.
In a word, “lousy.” Your wife isn’t helping any, either. By not responding in a
kind, caring way, she’s hurting you. Whether she wants to or not. Who knows?
But, you’re engaging with her only to walk away feeling even more hurt & frustrated.
Have you ever thought of a divorce? Life is too short to spend with anyone or
anything (job, hobby, city, etc) that does not bring you joy and happiness. Have
you thought of other options? I check this site often. Feel free to write back and
I will respond.
Take care. Take it easy. HSP’s walk a different path in life. It’s often trickier
but oh, the rewards can be oh, so much greater!
I don’t know where to begin. I am a 64 yo HSP and have been extremely anxious depressed and suicidal for over 6 yrs following a job layoff and the leaving of a significant other, death of my best friend and my mom. I am extremely accomplished but am no longer working and am on disability. I have always worked my whole life and was successful in my jobs. I have been in and out of various therapies my whole. Life and have always “recovered” from previous bouts with extraordinary effort from myself, family and friends.
This time I am exhausted and have tried DBT many rounds of intense outpatient therapy every med known and have been in inpatient psych 6 times (ambulance and police) which just traumatized me more. I can’t talk to my friends or family anymore since they don’t know what to do for me since they have tried to help and it just hurts me and them to see me this way. I don’t really sleep anymore because of intense anxiety. I won’t call any help lines anymore because in the past they have either hospitalized me or had suggestions I had tried. I used to work on a helpline myself. I have tried a residential setting but it was not helpful and it was overwhelming. I own my own home which I worked hard to purchase but have been “placed” in a “retirement” community after my last hospitalization. I’m not asking for any suggestions just a place to express my thoughts. And feeling of without the police coming. I used to care so much for people and had many interests however I feel extremely overwhelmed now and numb. May all on this site find peace in their journey.
So sorry for all you are enduring, I have many of the same issues but also have fibro which has made me disabled, so I feel even more of a failure. So many people on this site seem like caring and kind souls, I also wish all on this site a way out of their pain and suffering. I can relate to almost every comment said. Sometimes I think as hard as our lives are being sensitives, perhaps if more people in the world felt some compassion and sensitivity, it wouldn’t be such a cruel and selfish place, perhaps if people reached out and cared just a bit more like sensitives do….for each other, and for all sentient life.
I wish all here healing and comfort.
>>hug<< …I wish you Peace, Lee.
To experience loss on top of loss triggers insecurity, emptiness and fear. I personally just got laid off after being bullied at my job. It triggered flash backs of childhood bullies so it’s a rough time. I think for HSP’s it adds up and our faith in people and humanity starts to dwindle down. Then the people we do care for pass away. Its hard not to find our souls hurting, longing and our minds saying this isn’t how it should be. I also do know that the strength we can muster up does pay off. Even if it feels unbearable to get there. The light does shine after we get through the dark. I’m going to repeat that to my own self until it happens.
Thank you for your encouragement. This is all I can do…
I am so dumbfounded right now, I’m honestly at a loss, for how HSP, are perceived, AND received in Life! I am a Extremely Sensitive Person, and I honestly felt my world come to an end on Several Occasions. The first, were the deaths of friends and family when I was in my early twenties. I immediately stopped “living”, and pushed everyone away from me, for close to 20 years. I didn’t truly have close friends, just “acquaintances”. That’s the only way I could function.
I then realized that I was SO wrong, and I thought about all the things that I missed out on, by isolating myself, from the world. Once I opened back up, things were going GREAT for so long, and then I hurt myself at work, and again, my Life came to a halt! I ended up having 6 back surgeries, in 10 years time, and I am still in a great deal of pain. I lost my total and complete self worth, and was thinking of suicide, but as you stated, the mirror opposite of my thinking finally kicked in, and I pulled myself out of it all. I still have my down days, but through meditation, and prayer, I make it through these rough spells easier, and faster.
Death is still a major issue that I have a EXTREMELY hard time with! I know it’s part of life, and I do give Thanks, for that person being a part of my life, but the hole they leave, never seems to close. How does one deal with that?
Thanks!
Lost half of my soul early august. When I saw the sickness growing and death coming to my husband, I had to step away from my work…..hospice nurse!!!! I am back to it only few weeks ago….but I am sure struggling to accept my husband departure. Yes, people say oh go on with your life!!!!! But when you sailed and live on a sailboat for four months every year…you get pretty close. Then sickness, cancer came….he won….years later 2010…brain tumor came….months after he recovered. Strong man he was. Now I realize he was fighting for me. We fought through our marriage, we fought storms in the oceans, we fought sickness… but our bond to ourselves was very strong…and not many people can understand my loss…
I call it being introverted but now I know I also shut people out and shut down. After too many disappointments or issues or drama or lack of depth in others. Or just straight out people trying to hurt you it’s easy to go in our shells. Safer. Then if we do love someone and they pass away it’s a hole. Then we see no one can fill that void in fact they fill it with bs. So what’s the point. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s self preservation. Any loss I’m noticing triggers my insecurity also in everything. You are not alone.
Aum Namashivaya AUM! Thank you for your words to enlighten us all! I am Alex; an Highly SENSITIVE Person! Reading your words gives me a calm balanced feeling that we should be proud to be gifted this way.
My question is how do we keep this balance going WHEN at times everything feels falling apart again! And nobody is there! Even ourself feels as though being rejected by everybody and ourself too! 🙁
These days i am feeling so lonely even with many relatives and friends around me! After i noticed They do not communicate with me at all unless i keep trying so hard to keep in touch with them all travelling the great distances physically and mentally to meet them all! And now left me in an isolated way!
Masters in Management Psychology stopped with biological parents divorce! The feelings of No job projects, financial debts and NOBODY to understand gets me so depressed that i wanted to stay asleep and never wake up! Some days feels great then MOST days not at all! On top of all this ADHD and Dyslexia is not helping! On a positive note Meditation, Praying and Synchronized connections with nature and a “LOT OF OVERWHELMING ADDICTION TO KNOWLEDGE SURFING” keeps me learning about others out there! Being an HSP and finding you Anne and reading all this feels like i am in a dream coming very close to solving all the challenging and puzzling experiences since i was age 13!
“As an adult HSP who has dealt with major depression since the age of 13, along with some very dark years of being suicidal with an attempt that could’ve resulted in the loss of hand function” CANNOT BELIEVE MY EYES WHEN I READ THIS! How could Anne have had the same experience as me! Is there a CONNECTION to teenage hormonal changes that kick STARTS AND ACTIVATES the HSP genes?
Last and third question would you be kind to let me know names of professionals like yourself in England who have done research with HSPs!
Thanks and God bless you and all HSPs and all living beings! Aum Namashivaya Aum
Hello, i to am an hsp. I am also from a long line of suicide My grandfather, my father, my ex husband have all committed suicide. It was STUPID! I’m sorry that you feel that calling it what it is is not helpful but i do and what it is is stupid & selfish and what ppl who commit suicide should realize that what they do I committing suicide is not to stop the pain but to pass it to someone else sometimes many others.
Expecting someone to continue living in pain for your own happiness is what I find to be selfish. If you think it’s inherently stupid or selfish for one to commit suicide, I bet you haven’t experienced the same depth of depression that these others have. Could you imagine killing yourself while knowing to do so would most certainly leave your loved ones in despair? If the answer is “no,” then consider how much worse that pain would need to be to push you over the edge so that your answer becomes a “yes.”. That’s what suicidal people are going through. Personally, I understand how devastating suicide is for family members, but I won’t tell someone that THEIR pain is stupid or selfish, especially for my own benefit.
Exactly. Suicide is just another choice. I feel there is nothing wrong with it. “Why did this person not see the preciousness of the gift of life itself..” Not everyone sees life as precious, and to be forced to stay and endure for other people…
I know HSP not are sick. I know. And maybe like in your book, this thing could be a gift.
I have mental issues maybe because never I could to manage this, my parents couldn’t either. I was alone in my adolescence, they was fighting, and they separate finally.
I have 32 now, and I still suffering. I have gone to many psychologist and doctors, and the help of that it’s just a bit. I had a breakdown two times in my life, and all this began when I was 16 years old.
I know I am a HSP because I am good in arts; all bad things that I lived were very painful for me, more than other people could feel the same. When I was young I had a trouble in High school, for myself was unforgettable, and other girl who lived the same, she could forge it almost completely. When I was a child I had silly fears, and I had issues for adapt myself to other kids and my teacher said I was very slow. I ever been dreamer and for that slow. This was in kinder but when to elementary school all changed, I was very intelligent. When I have gone to therapists, they with test can prove I have high IQ. But it is not easy, It is difficult to coping to life when you don’t have support and love. And I think, the people do not know about all this, they do not know people like us exist. We need more culture, wisdom, about this kind of topics. People need that.
Very sorry about my English, I am not native. I’m from other country.
In your opinion how would an HSP respond to electroshock therapy, in 6-12 sessions? Do you think it’s appropriate for severe depression/PTSD. I ask because of your knowledge of brain function throughout your research.
Personally I’ve been through it. But that was before understanding I was an HSP. Absolutely the worst pain I’ve been through in my life. I could write a book…
The entire experience sucked the life from me and any hope of recovery.
And actually I guess Ii should add I’m currently going through EMDR sessions and it blows my mind how I’ve overcome something holding my life back for 16 years in only 4hrs tops (2 sessions)
I plan to finish my EMDR and devote myself to finding out where I stand as an HSP without the dark fog that has consumed my mind 90% of my lifetime. I’d really like to know if I can help people and leave my footprint on this earth.
Hello. I’ve never responded to a blog before. For most of my life I’ve been diagnosed as ADHD Bipolar or Depressed but above all no real effective treatment, antidepressant (s) that don’t work effectively and basically tossed between being harshly criticized or ignored/avoided in my family, social and work life. I’ve been on a waiting list for cognitive behavioral therapy and no responce back for months.
I’m at this point a funeral director. I get tremendous satisfaction aiding people through these difficult times. I appreciate so many aspects of my job. But my co workers are brutal. Zero respect for boundaries and an almost military pecking order. Most of my other jobs have been devestated by overbearing behaviour. I seem to actually attract it. I know now I’m a highly sensitive person, very intelligent, caring, respectful, generous and easily hurt. People generaly seem so harsh. I too feel I don’t belong on this planet. Suicide is often on my mind. No guts (afraid of botching it . . . perfectionism? I also have a sense of humour which keeps me going.) and of course consequences prevent me. I have a wonderful 23 yr old son. So I feel I have to suffer this emotional pain to prevent others from going through their own due to losing me. Relationships and co worker attitudes are so painful. I’m so tired of the emotional pain. I’m just made this way. Feeling pretty disenfranchised when I do feel I have so much to offer.
So tired.
This piece reads like so many others on suicide – just with the addition of a few HSP angles on things. Surely it’s time we stopped shaming people who are suicidal for how those left behind may feel, and surely it’s time to let go of the myth that all suicidal people feel “worthless”. When someone with a painful physical illness ends their own life, we respond with understanding, and are able to recognise that their choice was made out of self-love or self-care. However, we don’t extend the same compassion to those who may be suffering great mental anguish for years or decades.
A person’s life is theirs to do with as they will. If they are so miserable that they wish to end it, is it really so bad that they do end it? And if we could remove the stigma from this act, perhaps one day people contemplating suicide will be able to die in more comfortable and dignified circumstances, having talked their plans over with their loved ones, and creating less shock in the process.
In common with abortion, there is always someone standing by to talk people out of suicide, but rarely anyone to offer the life they saved any meaningful long-term support.
Elaine,
Thank you so much for this. Four months ago, my oldest cousin (in his mid-thirties) killed himself and this has affected me very deeply. We were close as children, but didn’t talk often in adulthood. I’ve been wondering whether he might have been gifted and a HSP, because of some thoughts he expressed during some chats we had on Facebook.
Long before my cousin, my grandfather’s father committed suicide. My brother (who has an autistic spectrum disorder) and I (HSP and probably gifted) also had suicidal thoughts, though we never made any actual attempts. Thankfully, the worst of our personal storms is over, but we went through really hard times.
It has been just over a year since my dear friend, Mike, took his life. (See my earlier post above, from Feb. 28, 2016). During this time, I have been in 2 suicide support groups, attended an excellent 3-day conference on suicide, spoken to a few very caring, empathic and congenial counselors, meditated, journaled, walked in Nature, talked to others about my feelings, and started writing a book. In short, I’ve done everything I know about how to heal and make sense of this senseless act. A year later. . .and still feel intensely sad and miss Mike more than words can say.
After one year, I feel about the same as I did the night Mike’s Dad called me, in tears, and told me Mike had shot himself through the heart. The same as I did the day I went to Mike’s funeral and witnessed over 250 people stunned, shaken, crying and crushed that their friend, who lie in an open casket, looking as handsome as ever, was gone forever—worst of all–at his own doing, his own hand! More than this HSP could bear. Yet, I went up to the podium, close to Mike’s head, and gave a eulogy to Mike, my last lines of love to a friend I cared deeply about and shall miss forever.
This final farewell was the beginning of a climb up and out of the grave of sadness I felt buried in. Still looking up, crawling out of the depths of despair, grief, guilt and anguish, I see a pinhole of light above. And, each and every day, strive to inch closer to that light. Call it God, fate, chance, luck, synchronicity or the Universe, this force is the ONLY force that compels and propels me forward, now. Life has turned even darker, with the current political climate especially, and uncertainty of what’s to come in our world—globally and personally.
Dark days past, dark days ahead. . .Mike’s gone forever. . .I continue climbing out of darkness. . .for, I WANT TO LIVE! And, I shall continue the climb, the reach, stretch, crawling towards the light, for I have 8 darling furry critters who love and depend on me, and I shan’t let them down. My cats and ponies are all I have to live for, and I shall. Their precious honesty, innocence, devotion and tactile, emotional and strong affection tell me I am LOVED. Our bond is what keeps me going, strong and long. Through them I feel appreciated, needed and loved every day–the pinhole at the end of the tunnel. And so I shall go on–to find more joy, light, love, and life that is HERE, for all of us lucky enough to be ALIVE.
I SO relate to this. This WAS my story 40 years ago when I was one of those HSP perfectionist college students who thought an A-minus was the same as a D-minus. My twenties were turbulent and I had some issues with dissociation as well. In my late 20’s and early 30’s, I became much more stable. A good job was a huge part of that. (I’ve been in the same position for 28 years.) I bought a house. I got two adorable corgis. And I found my niche in a women’s craft group. There were actually two groups that I belonged to (same craft) and the friendships in these groups gave me a sense of belonging I’d never known. I had 35 years of absolutely NO issues, no symptoms, no counseling, no medications at all. I thought my past was just that – my past, and that I was emotionally healthy and would stay that way.
Then – early last May – I had two TIAs (small strokes). From a physical standpoint, they were minor and I recovered quite well with no after effects. However, on my 4th day in the hospital I was notified by one of the craft groups that I was in that they’d decided to replace me. There’s a little history there – as I had tried to drop out once before because I was spending too much money on the craft, but they asked me to reconsider, so I did. But then – the TIA’s – and they decided they didn’t want me after all.
I fell apart. I am single, have no family nearby (two brothers – both overseas at the time) and I could not handle the rejection. Issues that I thought were long gone came flooding back. Insecurity. Anger. Panic that led to lashing out. All of that made things worse. I told them that I would not accept their rejection by Email and that, if they wanted me out, they would need to come and talk to me in person. They responded to that by hiring a lawyer to write me a letter threatening me with a restraining order if I came to their group. These were my BEST FRIENDS – or so I thought. I became acutely suicidal (May, 2016) and now, ten months later, I am worse than ever. Every day is a struggle to hold on. My job remains, and I still have all of my friends who were not involved in this craft but honestly, they were the friends I rarely saw because I had approximately 30 good friends in this craft who I hung out with all the time.
It took me six weeks to get in to see a therapist and another four weeks to get a psychiatrist who started me on Wellbutrin. It helped take the edge off the depression but really hasn’t helped much. My initial support system – before I could see a therapist – became the local police department. I had NEVER had contact with the police before but the first two or three that responded were very nice, very helpful and didn’t require me to be hospitalized as long as I was willing to sign a safety contract. However, those relationships started to fray due to understaffing and the officers who told me I could call them if I needed someone, were clearly irritated when I did that. So I stopped. We have a very good crisis line affiliated with a local mental health clinic and I have called them a few times but I am terrible on the phone and just do SO MUCH BETTER at communicating if I can talk to someone face to face.
After I started on Wellbutrin and was feeling a bit better, I tried to get back in contact with the second group of friends who were involved in the same craft through their church. I was absolutely stunned – and devastated – to find that they were (by that time) apprehensive about being around me. They’d seen me at a birthday party and thought I was too quiet. One was offended by a facebook post I put up on shunning. Another thought I was being manipulative because I claimed to be depressed but then posted pictures of a weekend camping trip with my dogs last August. And so THEY rejected me too. Not only that – but they decided they didn’t want me attending their church anymore because I made them uncomfortable – even though I never talked to them or even approached them. So they called a police officer to call and threaten me with a restraining order if I came back to that church. So I lost that too and have been afraid to go anywhere else or reach out to anyone new. I feel like I’m poison. Before last May, I had had only one broken relationship in my life (other than a few friendships that gradually drifted apart due to life changing life circumstances.)
I just returned from a three week trip to Asia to visit my brother. It was good to get away but when I got home, the pain came flooding back. And then – the absolute CRAZIEST thing happened that has put me on the verge of a psychotic break (I think). I was invited to a Pampered Chef party, and placed a small order. The consultant gave her first name but not her last and it wasn’t until I got my receipt that I realized she was the wife of the police officer who had been initially helpful last spring but then grew irritated with me. I hadn’t seen him in about 6-7 months but when I saw her last name, I asked if she was his wife. She was. We didn’t discuss it further but we had a nice conversation about my upcoming trip to China and she sent me a Facebook friend request. I didn’t think anything of it and accepted it. Two days later I got a call from a VERY abrasive police sergeant, verbally chastising me for violating their professional code of ethics by accepting this FB friend request. He said that they did not allow their officer’s family members to have social relationships with community members that their spouse (in this case) had had contact with. ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? This has sent me over a cliff. As a HSP, I was completely thrown by this. First, that I was chastised for innocently accepting a friend request. And second, that I would be told of this ‘policy’ that I frankly cannot believe exists. It would take a full time person (and then some) to monitor all the social relationships of their officer’s family members. I have tried to get to the bottom of this (I’m tenacious) without success, so am now in contact with a local talk show host who wants me to come on his program with the chief of police to discuss it. My therapist tells me to ‘let it go’ – ‘it’s not worth it’ but it’s making me seriously crazy. I have been hanging out on interstate overpasses – taunting myself, thinking about jumping and yet (as this article pointed out), as an HSP, I am not impulsive enough to do it and worry about the effect of it on the drive who hits me. So here I am, again tonight, at 10 p.m. – sitting on a bridge deck – wanting more than ANYTHING for this pain to end – but knowing that eventually I’ll go home and try and get a few hours sleep. I cry so hard that I pass out at times, and being outside helps me breathe better so that doesn’t happen.
But at the age of 61 – after 35 years of calm seas – I feel like I’m back in my 20’s again, struggling with suicide constantly and being right on the edge of a psychotic break from the shunning of my friends (no willingness to communicate with me AT ALL) and now this crazy situation with the police department. I just want to know the truth about that …. why they would single me out and reprimand me for accepting a Facebook friend request. My professional background is in social work and I am the queen of boundaries, but this just strikes me as way over the top.
There may not be many reading this now. As the blog administrator I cannot offer help as coming from here (not being a professional), and really you need help near at hand rather than help from a distance. Mainly, should you go from thinking about suicide, hard as that is, to planning, I need to ask that you please keep these numbers at hand:
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
International Suicide Hotlines:
http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
This post was from a year ago and I have no idea if you will receive my reply, but I feel the need to reply anyway. I am extremely suicidal right now and have been for quite sometime. I, too, felt the stupid comment was harmful and more hurtful.
I have tried to get the help I so desperately need, to no avail. I have spent thousands of dollars in therapy only to be dropped by my therapist, who stated in an email that she was overbooked and could no longer see me as a patient. I didn’t even get a phone call.
This left me devastated but it confirmed my worthlessness.
I am HSP on steroids, so obviously people steer clear of me. I completely understand because I don’t even like to be around me so why in the world would others want to be around me? I HATE my HSP and cannot understand why anyone would consider it a gift. It is anything but a gift, to me it is a curse!
I have been blessed with five kids who are actually the reason I continue to breathe. I have given them my life, for better or for worse! I stayed at home to raise them over the past 26 years (home educated and all). Now it is time to go back to work, but I struggle with finding a job because I lack experience. I’ve landed a few jobs only to quit after a few months because the office bullies always made me their target. NO JOKE!
Of course, that is my fault because I didn’t know how to handle them.
I’m a failure in every area of my life. And I fail everyone that I love. I am an emotional wreck, don’t have a backbone, married to a great man for 28 years, but he has the ability to make me feel like the failure I am. I am isolated because I’ve given up on trying to make friends.
To say I hate myself and my life is an understatement! I know I need to stick around because it would be so selfish and stupid to do otherwise, however, the pain is so much more than I can handle and I have been this way for decades, but I am still here! for now! I know I could never do this to my children because suicide is so ugly and cruel, but I need help in dealing with these horrible emotions. My mother tried to take her own live several times in my young life and I remember feeling so responsible for her unhappiness and it hurts my soul to even consider this for my own life, leaving my own children to suffer, is actually quite disgusting and possibly stupid. But what do I do?
What would any of you suggest I do? Are there any answers?
I lost my only child to suicide. Both of us are HSP, and as described in the article, I have deeply explored “Why?” I love the explanation in the post that mentioned that people become suicidal when pain exceeds the resources for coping with that pain. It is exactly what happened.
I, of course, was and am devastated. But I don’t believe he thought of those he left behind. The pain was too overwhelming for reason to be a factor.
I hope we can teach our children to have better coping skills and that we can better identify the resources early on for helping to deal with life’s many setbacks.
Long time mental health patient with suicidal tendencies and multiple attempts spanning almost 20 years now since tweenage years, happening along with depression and other diagnoses. Diagnosed with PTSD from childhood abuse. (I am NOT currently actively suicidal.) Wondering if any others who are highly sensitive have suicidality because it hurts too much to be in this world? -I- would be better not being here, not the other way around, and in fact still remain because it would hurt certain members of my family too much (regardless of my internal pain). The hate, the suffering, the desire to kill for money…..it’s too much to deal with, happening at a quickened pace thanks to the US’s new administration. All of it plastered in the media with people being legitimately happy that others die because of their religion or melanin content….. I don’t know what I am going to do if a nuclear weapon is used to mass kill once again, that might be my limit. All the suffering of others, it is too much and it hurts to the core. Earth is beautiful, but humanity is not.
This year has been rough and as an empath and HSP it’s hell. I am fortunate that I’ve had 3 years with the best therapist. So I usually try and help others find their light. But it’s dang hard right now. My breaking point has been the owners young son coming in and within a year letting go of 50 employees (some ran). Through it all I learned a new word “Tyrant” and the fact schoolyard bullies only grow up physically makes it hard for those of us that believe and thrive off of support and kindness. That is far and few between to find. Going through crap as an adult make all the crap we dealt with as kids come back. It’s the feeling of being a punching bag for mean spirits lacking souls. But I know for a fact strength comes back when we push through hell to get there. I just wish it was a faster process. And yes it doesn’t help that hate in the world isn’t hidden at all right now. It’s glowing all over. You are not alone.
I totally get what you’re saying. When I was a child I couldn’t understand or really cope with the Viet Nam War. My brothers possibly on their way. The unfairness of the mentally challenged woman across the street who turned the jump rope for us or the paralyzed boy up the block in his wheelchair. It all weighed upon me in addition to every awful thing going on in the world. At age ten I announced that I would never have children because the kindest thing you can do for your kids is not to have them. That is when the suicidal thoughts began and yes it was like I have to get out of this painful place type of thing. The pain and frustration in knowing I could never go through with it without hurting my mother was dreadful. But thinking back that was a childish SELFISH way of thinking. Please anyone who believes in the SELFISH theory, read on. I am bipolar and I am 55 years old. Many struggles with extremely painful suicidal thoughts. I need to get out of here! I can’t get out of here! etc. But then something strange happened. Suicide was TAKING ME! I fought and I fought. It was all I could do not to drive into a brick wall or overdose etc. Kept fighting..went to stay with relatives…got far away. After having called all my doctors for help. No luck there. The pain was excruciating. It was a physical pain like an open wound I could feel. (It was on my side, in case you were wondering lol) Came home just getting worse. Took to driving with a jug of antifreeze in my car. Ran out a million times and each time fought like Mohammd Ali and made it home again. After a few days of this agony, my husband (we were not getting along to say the least) pulled up in the car and laughed at me derisively when I tried to ask him for help and understanding…he accused me of attention seeking and lying and mocked my distress. I snapped. Right then and there in front of my home I grabbed the jug from the car and without thinking another thought, I drank it. Suicide had made me it’s bitch and I lost the fight. As it turns out my husband kept WATER in that jug for some reason and I was spared. Went straight to the hospital the next day and the medication worked IMMEDIATELY. Stayed for a week. Never happened again. Not like THAT. I should have gone to hospital right away and saved myself weeks of misery. Please understand what happened to me was not SELFISH. Only for the grace of God was there water in that jug. And I can honestly say I have never fought so hard for anything as I did for my kids to keep their Mom. Please don’t ascribe to the SELFISH theory. There is so much you can’t know. I know I didn’t. Never even heard of something like this but it happened. Please try not to judge
Comments are currently closed for this topic.
We want to thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful and sensitive discussion!
Remember, if you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts or are in crisis, please contact:
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
International Suicide Hotlines:
http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
There’s definately a great deal to find out about this topic.
I really like all the points you made.
I’ve always felt like I’m the only one who feels So deeply. This is a great read
I live in Holland ,where the law about euthanasia is very open.
In the moment i am on a waiting list to be judged if i may die or not. Because “i will never commit suicide”,was what i promised myself early in my childhood. Always kept fighting and praying with the strong confidence off a happy outcome. I know that my Redeemer lives and i know He loves me and created me. But through all the years of mental issues and the social isolation that came along with it i got depressed. Than the SLE,an autoimmune disease, hit me. After all kinds of treatment and numerous operations the psychiatrist and internist-haematologist declared that i am out-of-options.The pain in my joints,the fatigue,the mood-swings, the cardiac arrhythmia and all other issues combined with my HSP forced me into asking for euthanasia. It is well weighted and discussed with all friends , in and outside the church. They all are judgemental, but when they get involved and take the time to comprehend, most of them change. Still saying that they reject it but in my case understanding it a bit. And that’s the key difference in ending your life in a selfish way or caring way. In my thinking.
Elain please help me. Constant over pouring of stimulation is not only making me drain, stressed but also avoiding me to use rational outlook. I go from conscious observation to subconscious absoring. How to overcome it?
Hi Dr. Aron,
I pray you can help us!!!!!!
Oh I hope you can help my husband and me regarding our soon to be 21 year old son.
I read your article and took the High Sensitivity test for parents we scored a 14. Here is our story:
A week ago our son called us around 11 pm our time. He is a college student in a different time zone. He was upset that at a party of his friends he was to bring some meat for a bbq they were doing that night. Our son told me what he was to bring earlier that day, but failed to bring it and brought something else to the party and of course they were all disappointed in him. He did go to the store and bought what he agreed to bring. He called us; he was back at his apartment and told us what happened and to boot he told us the girl he has been friends with via through a friend from his school; this girl lives in a different state and the two were communicating via snap chat, texting and phone calls. She texted him that she has a boyfriend now. Our son while speaking to his dad said I helped this girl out mentally and been a friend and she takes up with a low life who has no job and is a bum. Dad said to Son are you okay, lets talk about it. Son said: Dad Im fine I just find it pretty funny. Our son mentioned later in the conversation to this Son: Well, I’m not surprised just like last year around this time with that other girl blew me off.
This past Sunday morning we received a phone call from our son. The call went like this (my husband took the call) Son: Did anyone get a hold of you? Dad: no, for what? Son: okay, nothing. Dad: honey, whats going on? Son: nothing. Dad: where are you? Your really worrying me Son: I’m at Ryans place. Dad: Okay, good. Honey I can tell something is not right, are you all right? Son: Im fine …. I’ll call you back soon I have to go throw up. (click) Our son calls back a few minutes later: Son: Im back. Dad: Honey, your going to have to tell me what is going on. Son: I was at a friends house and he brought me back home. Dad I don’t remember anything at all, Ryan told me I sent texts out that said Remember me to several in our group. Someone called the fire department. Thank God for Ryan he saved my ass.(after receiving this text Ryan went to our son’s apartment) I was so drunk I was so belligerent didn’t even know what happened or how I got to Ryans house. Ryan came right over when the fire department was here he diffused a bad situation. I could’ve been arrested I was in a rage. I don’t remember any of this just what Ryan told me. Dad: Okay honey, can I ask you a question. Son: yes. Dad: have you thought of Suicide before? Son: yes. Dad: how long. Son: Since high school. Dad: thank you for being honest to us. Son: I have to go and throw up again Ill call back later. Click.
After we cried we immediately started to book our flights out to be with our son that night. In the mean time we did contact our minister who was a great comfort and advised us on how to be strong for him and what to watch out for.
When we reached the airport our son called back and I took the call. I said honey its Mom are you doing okay, Son after a long pause…. he said Mom, (in a very tired voice but sincere.) Mom, I actually feel so much better. It’s weird, what happened last night it was the two things that have been bothering me for so long it came to a head and it just exploded; I feel such relief and I’m looking at this whole thing last night as a God send and Im looking at this as new beginning, Mom I’m going to start going back to church. Mom: oh honey it must have been a relief to let that demon out, I can hear it in your voice of complete relief. Son: Maybe what happened last night was meant to be. Mom: Honey, your probably right. then he spoke to his dad. We were going to tell him once we boarded the plane that we were on our way out to see him and the reason why we didn’t say anything to him before is because we didn’t want him to talk us out of it. So there we were on the plane and the phone rings it is our son. Son: Mom who is on the pa. are you guys on a plane? Mom: yes, were coming out honey. Son: no mom. I handed the phone to my husband: Dad: Honey, we are coming out because we love you. Son: said something Dad: It;s for all of us you, mom and me so we can be together and make sure we are all doing well. HOney, it’s for us too. We gave him the time of our landing and that he will be staying with us at the hotel.
He texted us during our flight with this and that. We felt he was taking our temperature. We finally get to the house he was staying at he wanted us to call him when we got to the house and he came out. I opened the door to the car and we both hugged. I got in the backseat and let him in the front. The first thing he said to us was Son: your taking me to rehab aren’t you Dad: No we are not. we are here because you are our son and we love you and we are here for you. Son: I just don’t get why you came. Ryan made a big to do about what happened last night and you guys are making a big deal. Dad: No honey we are here to make sure you are okay. Your staying with us at the hotel Son: When are you leaving Dad: in a few days. after a long pause Son: What happened last night I am so ashamed of myself…. all that drinking and I am so grateful I didn’t kill anyone or myself because of me being so drunk. Do you think I’ll be evicted from my apartment? . Dad/mom: No why? Son: I was in a rage and made a lot of noise and Mary called the management to complained. When the fire department was there I think the manager was outside too. I don’t know it was what I was told.. We assured him no we don’t think so that wouldn’t be an eviction issue. Son: I don’t think I’ll be going to my class tomorrow. Dad/Mom: that’s okay. My husband said to our son Dad: honey, we all have made mistakes and boy have I done my fair share at that and we are all human. Would you be interested in what I did that I was ashamed of Son: okay. As my husband was telling him his story our Son was saying really? you did that Dad!!! and my husband said: honey we ALL make mistakes and you’ll be making mistakes now and then, we all make mistakes we are not happy about but we learn from them and move on, just put it in the rear view mirror and know we are here to help you through that. That is WHY we are here we wanted to see you in person the phone doesn’t do this and we want to make sure you relax and get comfortable again. His whole demeanor changed and he was more comfortable with us there. When we were getting ready for bed he said; Son: I think I’ll go to class tomorrow so I’ll need to get up at this time. We were so happy to hear that. The next day he was a bit uncomfortable but he had to take a check into the apartment complex office and he was nervous they were going to throw him out. He even mentioned that to us that was the reason we were there. Our son went into the managers office to hand in the check by himself while we were in the car waiting for him. Dad: I know you were nervous and see nothing happened. Our son was so relieved that nothing happened. Back at the hotel in the hot tub not prompted he opened up at the one of the two things that set him off and my husband and I just listened and my husband asked him if he could share an experience and our son excepted it and he was really listening to his father. I could tell it made him feel not so alone. Mainly we just listened and took his temperature to responding back to him. He was getting comfortable and his sense of humor was coming back; we had a relaxing time.
Though he was so upset we spent so much money to come out. We told him we didn’t care how much it costs to be with him and we saw in his face that didn’t help we said to him we used miles.
We told him: you can call us anytime day night when you need to talk we are here to listen and if there is something you can’t talk to us let us know and we will find resources you can use talk to your friends. We told him at anytime he wants us to come out on unplanned trip (we see him 5 times a year and he come out for a few weeks at winter break) just say so AND we will use our miles. He was happy to hear that.
We want him to go to therapy and he knows he needs to go. But, he can’t the career path he wants to go into if he reports it (he is so honest he would) his all time dream career would never ever happen and right now that career path is what is making him happy.
His 21st birthday is next week, we are going out to celebrate and he has a few days off for fall break.
How as parents going forward can we help or better yet Coach him from keeping the negative thoughts away? Implementing positive thoughts? And what resources can we look into to helping him and help himself without going to a professional?
Thank you…. writing this story out seems to help me…. but my heart is aching to help him.
This may sound ‘spacey’ but I wonder too whether for HS persons our life experience in the dense physical realm is just too burdensome. we are aware of subtle energy. I call it heaven energy. We re-member our soul energy and feel deeply connected to others and a responsibility to to help others. My sister, eldest daughter and myself are all carers and speak openly about wanting to go home..where there is peace and unconditional love… for everyone.
I’m Mrs. Dulce Beverly from the United States, I want to share a testimony of my life for each one. I was married to my husband Anderson, I love him so much that we have been married for seven years with two children. When he went on vacation to France, he referred to a woman named Peggy, he told me that he is no longer interested in our marriage. I was so confused and looking for help, I don’t know what to do until I met my friend Cassie, and I told her my problem. She told me not to worry about her having a similar problem before and introduce me to a man named Dr. IYAYA, who cast a spell on her ex boyfriend and brought it back to her after 3 days. Mary asks me to communicate with the Dr. IYAYA. I contacted him to help me bring my husband back and he asks me not to worry that the gods of his ancestors will fight for me. He told me that after three days he would join me and my husband together. After three days my husband called me and told me that he was looking for things with me again, he surprised me when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness. Right now I am the happiest woman in the world for what this great spell caster and a great doctor has done for me and my husband,
My husband divorced me and went after his ex and left me heart broken for 2 years. I have been playing the lottery for some years before I got married and I have never won any big amount. I continued to play the lottery but I couldn’t win more than $500 dollars until I was introduced to Dr Amber that is a strong Haiti spell caster. I had a chat with him via +18084815132 telling him what a mess my life has become. He encouraged and promised to get my man back for me and to help me win the lottery. There were specific instructions that was passed to me by him which I adhered to as he prepared the spell for me that brought back my husband within 36 hours and he gave me some sure numbers to play the lottery game. I used the numbers to play the lottery and I won $10,000,000 million dollars and all this happened within a week after I knew Dr Amber. It doesn’t matter what you are going through in life Dr Amber is here to help.