I am not sure that I have written enough about differential susceptibility, which is a key to understanding HSPs and for HSPs to understand themselves. Differential susceptibility is the well-researched idea that HSPs are deeply affected by their environments, “for better and for worse.” With poor childhoods they are more likely than others to be depressed, anxious, or shy, and with good childhoods they can do not just as well but even better than those who are not so sensitive—more confident and less likely to be depressed or highly anxious.
Why exactly is differential susceptibility so important for you? I could list many reasons, for example how it changes the way sensitivity is viewed by science, but I limit myself to three.
First, most of the research shows that HSPs receive more benefit from interventions, so especially if you are one of those HSPs with a childhood that weighs in more negative than positive overall, you should also heal better. This might be through psychotherapy, but probably extends to reading the right self-help books or just having kind people around you. This is because, overall, HSPs are very sensitive to positive stimuli. Every human has to notice threats, but HSPs add to this an awareness of opportunities and positive feedback. Indeed, even one or two kind people in your childhood probably made a noticeable difference.
Second, differential susceptibility explains why HSPs can be associated in the public’s mind with people who are worriers, pessimists, “too sensitive” to criticism, complainers, and so forth. Those showing these problems are the ones with a troubled past. Those with good-enough childhoods adapt and almost disappear unless you know them well—for example, know their need for downtime and preference for low stimulation. Otherwise they are only noticed for their creativity, empathy, conscientiousness, and so forth. We can all work to explain differential susceptibility and these less visible, very effective and endearing HSPs. Perhaps you are one of them.
Third, understanding differential susceptibility can help in relationships. I will discuss that more below.
Differential Susceptibility and the film Sensitive and in Love
We are about to unveil this film Sensitive and in Love about HSPs in relationships, and I am all too aware that after watching it some of you may say, “These were not typical HSPs.” My answer is that you are right–the main characters are not typical HSPs. There really are none, of course. The question was, what message did we want to give through the HS characters we wrote about? We decided we had to deliver the message of differential susceptibility, including of course a happy ending due to some good interventions.
Our HS characters, a brother and sister, have experienced serious trauma and early attachment insecurity which deeply affect their relationships. (One is dating; the other is married.) We realized the risk that these two characters could give the impression that all HSPs are distressed. Indeed, there will be one or two scenes that are very, very intense. (I am sure some HSPs will see them as too much, but if there is one thing I have learned, it is that no book or film will please everyone. Also, as I have joked, two HSPs just being happy in their relationships could quickly have an audience yawning!) The reason for these bits of high drama was to really get across differential susceptibility. We were able to express the idea itself through a therapist, also an HSP, who explains to our two characters that they were more affected than others would have been by the kind of upbringing and trauma they have experienced, and also that as adults they can heal, perhaps better than before and better than others would have.
How Good is Good Enough? And What about Relationships?
While many HSPs had good-enough childhoods—no serious trauma, abuse, neglect, bullying, or the like—most of you had parents and teachers who had no idea about high sensitivity. They may have tried to ignore it or even to eliminate it from you. (This also happens to the main characters in the film—we loaded it on!) This failure to be understood makes it easy to grow up feeling there is something wrong with you. When you live that feeling, even if you hide it, it is easy for others to think something is a little off or odd about you. Even in an otherwise good relationship, it might be easy for a partner to accept that sense of you also.
The research shows that, in general, one of the biggest reasons for relationship failure is the poor mental health of one or both partners. That may be obvious, but we wanted this film to speak especially to those touched by this issue–to speak to you if this is you. It seems crucial that those interested in HSPs and in their relationships realize that many of the problems that can occur may be due to the HSP being more affected by a difficult past than others. It may seem like the HSP’s family or school life was not that terrible, so why are they are so troubled by it or in need of therapy? Differential susceptibility.
What can be done with differential susceptibility? Quite a bit, beginning with those around the HSP understanding how any trauma or early childhood problem may still be affecting the HSP and the present relationship. If both partners have these sorts of issues (even if one is not at HSP), help is even more urgent. Both people in the relationship should be aware of what to watch for—for example, seemingly irrational emotions or behaviors triggered by things resembling something in the past. Both should be on board about getting help for the HSP and the relationship. Attachment issues, by the way, are the specialty of Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy. As the interventions work and the relationship becomes more positive, I predict that the HSP will soak up any resulting positive experiences and be more positive toward his or her partner, creating a positive feedback loop. All positive!
In short, we hope many partners of HSPs, especially those who are not highly sensitive themselves, will gain from this film a gut-level understanding of high sensitivity, but especially this theme of differential susceptibility, and through that better grasp any problem their partners may have, even if it is “only” not being understood better in childhood. And of course we hope the HSPs who watch it are touched by this story and healed a little more just by watching it.
Thank G-d for this research and giving a name to something I can say, “oh my Gd! That’s me. I knew there must be other people out there like me. Thank you for seeing me. “ And, I am tearful as I write and thankful for others who know what it is to walk in my shoes day to day. And, I can’t help but wonder and would love to meet an HSP who also has ADD and anxiety trying to parent a VERY challenging, bright, oppositional, stubborn and spirited 6 year old, who most likely is also an HSP. And how hard it is to have a spouse who is the opposite of sensitive …
avoid vaccines at all costs, they add to the problems we already have to deal with in our environments. Good luck!
I don’t think Dr. Aron is, nor pretends to me, an expert on vaccine research. That said, the actual medical research on vaccines is that they are safe. The research paper originally linking autism to MMR vaccine has been debunked and retracted. Nevertheless we are seeing a rise in Measles cases (I would refer you to the CDC) that is most likely linked to lack of vaccination. I respectfully disagree with your advice about vaccines and would refer anyone reading this to the actual medical research available via PubMed (an NIH medical journal server) or the CDC website.
I agree. I get flu vaccines every year without fail, and have never had any adverse reaction. Getting the flu can be hideous, and I take all precautions to avoid it. Measles is highly contagious, requiring around 95% herd immunity to prevent transmission. Measles anti-vaxxers have no case.
I agree. And no one should be forced to get a vaccine or multiple vaccines. After all, the pharmacuetical companies do not have our best interest at heart. Their interest is making money, and they fund research to twist the data to make everything seem safe, when many times they are not.
I recently was able to place a term, of “HSP”, to myself and my experience. I’m a 34 year old woman, with an extensive list of terms and definitives. I’ve placed a lot of effort into self awareness. Much of the understanding of myself, has come from within myself, but there’s always been a comfort in having a reasonable word of explanation for what I feel.
I’m responding to your outreach, specifically because I am diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and PTSD. My psychiatrist is an MD, specialized in neurological psychiatry & neurology. I’m incredibly grateful for his versatile approach to medicine, and my well-being.
However, as a child, I had no psychiatric intervention, and it wasn’t until after I graduated from undergrad, that I sought him out and began treatment with him. Reason being, I had a panic attack while driving on the expressway to my Kaplan course, for my DAT, and that terrified me into the realization, I could no longer psyche myself out of the need for medical intervention. I was overwhelmed. I was 23. It took me that long to reach any consideration, that I was unable to manage myself, by myself.
I’m offering my back story, to offer my praise to you as a mother, of your 6 year old, because I didn’t receive the consideration myself, from either one of my parent’s, or anyone else. I wish I would’ve had, or they would’ve had, or anyone would’ve had, the way you do for yourself and your son, much sooner. It would’ve saved me, a lot of effort and time, understanding and being able to appreciate myself.
Despite everything, I somehow managed to move forward. I hold a BS in Chemistry, with a concentration in biochemistry, and a minor in Mathematics. I also have the equivalent of a Master’s degree in graduate school, but I withdrew from the Doctorate program, prior to earning credential. I withdrew from grad school and decided to work my way of to Chief Executive level status, professionally. But like many other HSP, might agree with, “all that glitters isn’t gold.” On the brighter side, I can stay, my 16 year effort as a professional in healthcare, is golden, to me, for the reasons why. For that reason, I would be more than happy to share my insight with you, personally and professionally. If I can be of any help to you, for your son, it would be my privilege.
I’ll leave it up to this forum, and censorship of commentary, to connect us, so that I don’t post my personal information. I will react out to the [Contact] platform here, and hope you’ll do the same, to connect us.
Wishing you & your son, the best, and hope to hear from you soon.
I recently discovered that I am an HSP and I am an ENFJ on the Myers Briggs personality test, I am 18 years old and I am currently a freshman in college and my planned major is Nursing. I have always loved helping others to a fault in which I put others before myself. However, most of my life I have been the “scapegoat” being the youngest of three girls. This led to me being constantly compared to my high achieving sister and being told what was best for me by my family. I have developed a tendency to be dependent on others for my happiness and self-worth. I have stayed in friendships with people who were toxic for my wellbeing and I am often taken advantage of by my outward kindness. I was always considered “highly sensitive” and often shamed for my deeply emotional tendencies especially by my father. On top of that I developed extreme anxiety in high school, especially in the summer of 2016 when I started to see more and more outward displays of racism in my school and both of my sisters went away to college. I have always tried to put on a positive front in front of my parents especially my mother because she sacrificed so much in order to take care of her 3 daughters, however they don’t believe in mental health at all and have the “just get over it” mentality, especially my father. I ended up hiding from my parents the anxiety attacks that I was having. Once I got to college I thought I had control of my anxiety and that I was over it, however I stretched myself out too thin and joined too many activities making it hard to juggle academics, social life, and self care living with another person. After an unfortunate incident over winter break my second semester was off to a bad start. A couple of weeks into my classes, I started getting anxiety attacks again and it was harder to deal with since I was constantly surrounded by students and some of the girls in my dorm were not mindful of quiet hours during the night. This led me to have insomnia and I started getting very delirious. It started to affect my school work so I began seeking out counseling sessions on campus. However, in the beginning of March when we came home for spring break and COV-ID 19 outbreak in the US it reversed the progress I was making in my sessions. Coming back home, and having to deal with my emotionally heated family made feel like I was a child again. I started to withdraw and fell into a deeper state of anxiety and depression. Switching to online classes was also stressful because I learn so much better having a teacher especially with the classes I am taking such as Chemistry and Psychology. However, I am slowly getting better and I have started journaling my feelings and started to stand up for myself in regards to my parents and siblings. I have questioned my abilities and even doubted if I will make it in the Nursing program, especially since I am such a highly sensitive person. However, I do believe that my sensitivity is also a strength because I am very good at perceiving others and recognize when people are in pain or if they need a person to talk to. Reading your story has given me hope that I will find my way and I know that I will eventually be fine.
That’s me! I was just introduced to the concept of HSPs today, by my therapist . It came up as we were discussing the behavior of my 9yr old daughter. Based on what little I’ve read and the quick self-tests I took, it appears my daughter and I most likely fall in to the HSP category. Her reactions are so sever and dramatic, even violent sometimes. I’ve tried my best to help her, but she always leaves me completely drained. Sometimes it takes days for me to recover from the massive amounts of stimulus she throws out. My husband is so very opposite. He’s pragmatic, even keeled, disciplined and much less emotional. I often envy him. But I remind myself that with out all of my sensitivities, I may not be as good an artist, friend, human. I enjoy having feelings, but sometimes they do suck the life out of me. Anyway…it seems the person you were looking for may be me. Just tossing it out there.
Your story was my life 25 years ago. My husband and daughter were difficult and I did take it very personally, a lot of feeling rejected and sticking up for myself. Now I’ve learned (through much pain w/ husband w/ Alzheimer’s) how to listen without comment, say “oh”, change the subject, think about it before reacting. Maybe it would’ve helped stop the disagreements and confrontations if I’d understood my HSP behavior. For now, I am being treated better by not answering why questions, and not asking why questions….and yes, I’ve been told I exude emotion, not positive and medically anxious and concentration deficit, which I never quite understood why I was seen that way, thought it was normal.
Hi Stacey – I’m in your boat. ADD, kid and age, partner…. And a childhood that I found traumatizing. Ugh.
Thank you for all your wonderful and compassionate work. It’s helped me tremendously.
I’m interested in seeing this film and can’t wait for it to be released to the public! I just looked it up on IMDb.com, and there currently is no summary description there, so I highly recommend adding one as that might help draw more interest to it. Also, I was wondering, what is the rating of the film? You mention that there are some highly intense scenes portraying the characters’ trauma, so I was just wondering what those involve (graphic physical or sexual abuse?) As part of my sensitivity, I just have to be careful about the content of films that I watch as they can strongly affect me. Thanks for any information you can provide!
I’m so grateful that this trait has come to light. My entire life was difficult due to my sensitivity, and my constant ‘mood swings’. I’ve been called crazy too many times to count. Lately, I’ve embraced my ‘gifts’ and have come to love my uniqueness🌷
I had a difficult childhood with two emotion-phobic autocratic parents. I learned early how to dissociate to numb the pain.
In Elaine’s book, Psychotherapy and the Highly Sensitive Person (2010), she says “highly sensitive patients need to become emotional experts” (p 59). That became my clarion call & I’ve been working toward that end ever since – both with my therapist and in my extensive reading.
Very recently I have become acquainted with Compassion Focused Therapy, developed by Paul Gilbert.
It has been eye-opening and deeply healing.
There is a brand new book out: The Compassionate Mind Approach to Difficult Emotions (2019) by Chris Irons. It is stunning in its depth and breadth. I am learning so much and wanted to offer it up to others, like me, who struggle with the fallout from Attachment/Relational/Complex Trauma.
Thanks so much for the resources you mention.
And your words, “I learned so early to dissociate to numb the pain,” resonate with me. While a child, I realized I was building a protective shell.
I’m wondering if and how there is an interplay between HSP and Narcissism. I recently discovered this term (HSP) after hearing the ‘sounds true’ interview. Of course, people have been telling me that I’m ‘too sensitive’ my whole life. And I have one friend who is clairvoyant and definitely an HSP.
In my personal life, I’m going through a divorce after a late in life marriage that lasted seven years. I now perceive my former spouse as a narcissist although throughout the marriage I had no clarity on the matter and was confused about whether or not I was being verbally abused. After the intense experience of his leaving, I awakened to the fact that I was being abused and how patterns in my childhood led me to becoming a victim in an abusive relationship. It continues to be an overly intense situation for me to try to deal with and I’ve pretty much lived in total isolation for the past year with a small interlude of a visit to my HSP friend’s place. What is fascinating to me is that from what I’ve read, formal psychology gives the definition that Narcissistic people actually lack the brain chemicals that enable them to feel empathy and HSPs have an unusually high ability to feel empathy. Hence, the attraction of these two opposites into a codependent toxic relationship. I don’t know if the movie addresses this. When I watch a movie, my mind is usually on the concepts, scenes actors/actresses and ideas in the movie for months afterwards so I minimize the amount of movie watching I partake in but I am very curious about this movie and the concept of HSP.
Hi Amy, I hope you’re doing ok. I’m sorry you’re going through a divorce. I hope you’re done or closer to done with that process by now, since I’m writing this a while later. Sending you love and good vibes.
The question about a connection between HSP and NPD is really interesting. I’ve never thought of that before, and I wonder if it applies to me.
I am an HSP – I discovered the term through this site 3 or 4 years ago. In my mind, it clears up why I had so many meltdowns as a kid. My mom had no idea and didn’t know what to do with me. And it helps me understand why so many things leave me drained as an adult.
💚💚💚💚💚💚
Anyway, I have been in more than one toxic relationship with persons that absolutely fit the description of narcissist. I perceived the biggest factors in drawing me to this type to be my codependent tendencies, low self-esteem, and lack of sense of self. (I continue to work on all of those.) Those are things I link to my childhood, which included divorce, then remarriage. I learned I had a half-sibling as a result of that period. One parent had gambling addiction and alcoholism, and the other was codependent. I don’t remember having any discussions about feelings as a kid, except for a couple times when I expressed how I was feeling, and got responses that left me feeling completely unheard and invalidated. I look back at my young self and think, “That was so big of you to try.”
I closed my emotions off. I wrote poems in my high school journal – themes of having a wall around me, not being able to be hurt. Years later, I see how much I was hurting. I didn’t even know I had feelings-work to do until I did some therapy in college.
I like to give, and please, and help, and listen, and I notice details, give thoughtful gifts, enjoy being on a team and helping people achieve their goals. Narcissists are the perfect vacuum to suck up my desire to give. As I said, I always related my attraction to narcissists to learning codependent behaviors from what was modeled in my childhood. But maybe, being an HSP that has the capability to feel so deeply as to be moved to tears by an exciting idea, a sunset, a cerebral piece of music – and having had kind of a crappy childhood where negative emotions became more normal and comfortable than positive ones like joy, contentment and love, maybe I gravitated towards NPD types because the drama that arose continually triggered feelings I was already practiced in. After trying to be invisible for so many years, it makes sense that I would find attraction to people that wanted to feed on my emotional energy and also benefit from my missing sense of self.
I think I was living on the down side of differential susceptibility for most of my life. And only in the last several years – when I completely cut ties with my last narcissist – have I been able to start healing in ways I never had before. Financial stability, through starting a new career, has also helped a lot. I have no excuse to entertain the idea (fantasy?) that I can only find the kind of life that would make me happy through someone else.
Thank you if you read this far. I hope others that read my account might find parts that resonate. So many posts on this site have helped me feel less alone.
Hi Amy, I have read a lot about Empaths and narcissists. I first discovered (about a year ago) that I am an empath…when I started to read books about it I discovered an almost mirror image of my relationships with men (who I can now see are narcissist). Then I discovered and read about ‘Attachment Theory’ and how an anxious insecure attached person can/will attract narcissist/avoidant people in relationships. I just finished reading ‘The Highly Sensitive Person’ and am relieved to learn that I am HSP (not “broken” or “a unique freak” as men in close relationships have told me in the past).
I do believe that when we become aware of these things we can change it. I’m now better educated about narcissists and avoidant personalities – my hope is therefore that I won’t allow these people into my close circle again (as they are no good for me).
Hope this helps.
The HSP body of info has been a life-saver for me, and Elaine Aron a literal godsend when I most needed it (my health had crashed for the 2nd time). She took away all my guilt about being different!! I have been spreading the word ever since my angels led me to her radio interviews in 1997, and have given that wonderful first book as a gift to many others through the past 20 years. I’m VERY happy about the growth of this unanticipated “movement”!! And will go to the film if it shows in the San Diego area
The movie, The Untold Story, I have watched over and over. It explains so much of my life. I am
studying and trying to learn as much as I can. I believe my children are HSPs also. At least 3 out of 4.
Like many have mentioned, I am so glad to finally feel understood by myself and others. I am currently a teacher, and thought I wanted to be one since I was a little girl. However, my vision of teaching and the reality of it are far from one another. I love the relationship aspect, but I come home every day completely drained by the chaos, the noise, the needs. I’ve been trying to find ways to help myself to stay in this career, but I don’t know if it is possible given the overstimulation I feel every day. Can anyone weigh in on this?
Stacey, I am in the same situation. In my case, I work in a school where teachers are expected to go above and beyond, which creates boundary issues for me. In my experience, I am expected to complete a lot of work (planning, grading, outreach) outside of the school day. As a result, I find teaching makes it hard for me to maintain a good work/life balance, and hard to take care of myself. I’m currently interviewing career counselors, to look into other career options.
I just watched ‘Sensitive the Untold Story’ for the second time. I will be 50 years old in February 2021. This show has brought me to tears. I can’t believe that it has taken me so long to ‘figure out what’s wrong with me’!
At this time in my life, my entire family (with the exception of my Mom) has turned their backs on me. I am ‘crazy, too emotional, too sensitive…’ A few said they simply ‘don’t get me’.
I have always had a difficult time making friends who weren’t using me for one thing or another. Now, I find myself completely alone.
In 1998, I was diagnosed with Evans Syndrome. In 1999, my spleen was removed.
My previous career was in construction, as a supervisor. I had to do something to make enough money to raise my 2 sons, on my own. Often I went to work with PIC lines in- the tube hanging out of my sweatshirt and the bottle of antibiotics in my front pocket. I had 2 wonderful sons that only had me to take care of them. They are now grown and on their own.
Construction has been brutal on my body, so I can no longer do this type of work.
I did not have a good childhood. I fell in with the ‘wrong crowd’, the people who accept anyone. I used drugs to try to numb my feelings, to try to feel ‘normal’.
I now find myself, what seems to me a late stage in life, starting over.
I have always been into writing of any kind- journaling, short stories, poetry. Music has always affected me deeply.
After watching this show, I now know what I need and want to do. I have a lot of work to do, but you have completely changed my life with this show. I’ve known I am an IFNJ, have ADD, severe anxiety, and what comes along with my Evans Syndrome. It won’t be easy, yet now I know I am not a freak of nature. There is hope for me.
Thank you so very much.