I am not sure that I have written enough about differential susceptibility, which is a key to understanding HSPs and for HSPs to understand themselves. Differential susceptibility is the well-researched idea that HSPs are deeply affected by their environments, “for better and for worse.” With poor childhoods they are more likely than others to be depressed, anxious, or shy, and with good childhoods they can do not just as well but even better than those who are not so sensitive—more confident and less likely to be depressed or highly anxious.
Why exactly is differential susceptibility so important for you? I could list many reasons, for example how it changes the way sensitivity is viewed by science, but I limit myself to three.
First, most of the research shows that HSPs receive more benefit from interventions, so especially if you are one of those HSPs with a childhood that weighs in more negative than positive overall, you should also heal better. This might be through psychotherapy, but probably extends to reading the right self-help books or just having kind people around you. This is because, overall, HSPs are very sensitive to positive stimuli. Every human has to notice threats, but HSPs add to this an awareness of opportunities and positive feedback. Indeed, even one or two kind people in your childhood probably made a noticeable difference.
Second, differential susceptibility explains why HSPs can be associated in the public’s mind with people who are worriers, pessimists, “too sensitive” to criticism, complainers, and so forth. Those showing these problems are the ones with a troubled past. Those with good-enough childhoods adapt and almost disappear unless you know them well—for example, know their need for downtime and preference for low stimulation. Otherwise they are only noticed for their creativity, empathy, conscientiousness, and so forth. We can all work to explain differential susceptibility and these less visible, very effective and endearing HSPs. Perhaps you are one of them.
Third, understanding differential susceptibility can help in relationships. I will discuss that more below.
Differential Susceptibility and the film Sensitive and in Love
We are about to unveil this film Sensitive and in Love about HSPs in relationships, and I am all too aware that after watching it some of you may say, “These were not typical HSPs.” My answer is that you are right–the main characters are not typical HSPs. There really are none, of course. The question was, what message did we want to give through the HS characters we wrote about? We decided we had to deliver the message of differential susceptibility, including of course a happy ending due to some good interventions.
Our HS characters, a brother and sister, have experienced serious trauma and early attachment insecurity which deeply affect their relationships. (One is dating; the other is married.) We realized the risk that these two characters could give the impression that all HSPs are distressed. Indeed, there will be one or two scenes that are very, very intense. (I am sure some HSPs will see them as too much, but if there is one thing I have learned, it is that no book or film will please everyone. Also, as I have joked, two HSPs just being happy in their relationships could quickly have an audience yawning!) The reason for these bits of high drama was to really get across differential susceptibility. We were able to express the idea itself through a therapist, also an HSP, who explains to our two characters that they were more affected than others would have been by the kind of upbringing and trauma they have experienced, and also that as adults they can heal, perhaps better than before and better than others would have.
How Good is Good Enough? And What about Relationships?
While many HSPs had good-enough childhoods—no serious trauma, abuse, neglect, bullying, or the like—most of you had parents and teachers who had no idea about high sensitivity. They may have tried to ignore it or even to eliminate it from you. (This also happens to the main characters in the film—we loaded it on!) This failure to be understood makes it easy to grow up feeling there is something wrong with you. When you live that feeling, even if you hide it, it is easy for others to think something is a little off or odd about you. Even in an otherwise good relationship, it might be easy for a partner to accept that sense of you also.
The research shows that, in general, one of the biggest reasons for relationship failure is the poor mental health of one or both partners. That may be obvious, but we wanted this film to speak especially to those touched by this issue–to speak to you if this is you. It seems crucial that those interested in HSPs and in their relationships realize that many of the problems that can occur may be due to the HSP being more affected by a difficult past than others. It may seem like the HSP’s family or school life was not that terrible, so why are they are so troubled by it or in need of therapy? Differential susceptibility.
What can be done with differential susceptibility? Quite a bit, beginning with those around the HSP understanding how any trauma or early childhood problem may still be affecting the HSP and the present relationship. If both partners have these sorts of issues (even if one is not at HSP), help is even more urgent. Both people in the relationship should be aware of what to watch for—for example, seemingly irrational emotions or behaviors triggered by things resembling something in the past. Both should be on board about getting help for the HSP and the relationship. Attachment issues, by the way, are the specialty of Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy. As the interventions work and the relationship becomes more positive, I predict that the HSP will soak up any resulting positive experiences and be more positive toward his or her partner, creating a positive feedback loop. All positive!
In short, we hope many partners of HSPs, especially those who are not highly sensitive themselves, will gain from this film a gut-level understanding of high sensitivity, but especially this theme of differential susceptibility, and through that better grasp any problem their partners may have, even if it is “only” not being understood better in childhood. And of course we hope the HSPs who watch it are touched by this story and healed a little more just by watching it.
Thank G-d for this research and giving a name to something I can say, “oh my Gd! That’s me. I knew there must be other people out there like me. Thank you for seeing me. “ And, I am tearful as I write and thankful for others who know what it is to walk in my shoes day to day. And, I can’t help but wonder and would love to meet an HSP who also has ADD and anxiety trying to parent a VERY challenging, bright, oppositional, stubborn and spirited 6 year old, who most likely is also an HSP. And how hard it is to have a spouse who is the opposite of sensitive …
avoid vaccines at all costs, they add to the problems we already have to deal with in our environments. Good luck!
I recently was able to place a term, of “HSP”, to myself and my experience. I’m a 34 year old woman, with an extensive list of terms and definitives. I’ve placed a lot of effort into self awareness. Much of the understanding of myself, has come from within myself, but there’s always been a comfort in having a reasonable word of explanation for what I feel.
I’m responding to your outreach, specifically because I am diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and PTSD. My psychiatrist is an MD, specialized in neurological psychiatry & neurology. I’m incredibly grateful for his versatile approach to medicine, and my well-being.
However, as a child, I had no psychiatric intervention, and it wasn’t until after I graduated from undergrad, that I sought him out and began treatment with him. Reason being, I had a panic attack while driving on the expressway to my Kaplan course, for my DAT, and that terrified me into the realization, I could no longer psyche myself out of the need for medical intervention. I was overwhelmed. I was 23. It took me that long to reach any consideration, that I was unable to manage myself, by myself.
I’m offering my back story, to offer my praise to you as a mother, of your 6 year old, because I didn’t receive the consideration myself, from either one of my parent’s, or anyone else. I wish I would’ve had, or they would’ve had, or anyone would’ve had, the way you do for yourself and your son, much sooner. It would’ve saved me, a lot of effort and time, understanding and being able to appreciate myself.
Despite everything, I somehow managed to move forward. I hold a BS in Chemistry, with a concentration in biochemistry, and a minor in Mathematics. I also have the equivalent of a Master’s degree in graduate school, but I withdrew from the Doctorate program, prior to earning credential. I withdrew from grad school and decided to work my way of to Chief Executive level status, professionally. But like many other HSP, might agree with, “all that glitters isn’t gold.” On the brighter side, I can stay, my 16 year effort as a professional in healthcare, is golden, to me, for the reasons why. For that reason, I would be more than happy to share my insight with you, personally and professionally. If I can be of any help to you, for your son, it would be my privilege.
I’ll leave it up to this forum, and censorship of commentary, to connect us, so that I don’t post my personal information. I will react out to the [Contact] platform here, and hope you’ll do the same, to connect us.
Wishing you & your son, the best, and hope to hear from you soon.
Thank you for all your wonderful and compassionate work. It’s helped me tremendously.
I’m interested in seeing this film and can’t wait for it to be released to the public! I just looked it up on IMDb.com, and there currently is no summary description there, so I highly recommend adding one as that might help draw more interest to it. Also, I was wondering, what is the rating of the film? You mention that there are some highly intense scenes portraying the characters’ trauma, so I was just wondering what those involve (graphic physical or sexual abuse?) As part of my sensitivity, I just have to be careful about the content of films that I watch as they can strongly affect me. Thanks for any information you can provide!
I’m so grateful that this trait has come to light. My entire life was difficult due to my sensitivity, and my constant ‘mood swings’. I’ve been called crazy too many times to count. Lately, I’ve embraced my ‘gifts’ and have come to love my uniqueness🌷
I had a difficult childhood with two emotion-phobic autocratic parents. I learned early how to dissociate to numb the pain.
In Elaine’s book, Psychotherapy and the Highly Sensitive Person (2010), she says “highly sensitive patients need to become emotional experts” (p 59). That became my clarion call & I’ve been working toward that end ever since – both with my therapist and in my extensive reading.
Very recently I have become acquainted with Compassion Focused Therapy, developed by Paul Gilbert.
It has been eye-opening and deeply healing.
There is a brand new book out: The Compassionate Mind Approach to Difficult Emotions (2019) by Chris Irons. It is stunning in its depth and breadth. I am learning so much and wanted to offer it up to others, like me, who struggle with the fallout from Attachment/Relational/Complex Trauma.
Thanks so much for the resources you mention.
And your words, “I learned so early to dissociate to numb the pain,” resonate with me. While a child, I realized I was building a protective shell.
I’m wondering if and how there is an interplay between HSP and Narcissism. I recently discovered this term (HSP) after hearing the ‘sounds true’ interview. Of course, people have been telling me that I’m ‘too sensitive’ my whole life. And I have one friend who is clairvoyant and definitely an HSP.
In my personal life, I’m going through a divorce after a late in life marriage that lasted seven years. I now perceive my former spouse as a narcissist although throughout the marriage I had no clarity on the matter and was confused about whether or not I was being verbally abused. After the intense experience of his leaving, I awakened to the fact that I was being abused and how patterns in my childhood led me to becoming a victim in an abusive relationship. It continues to be an overly intense situation for me to try to deal with and I’ve pretty much lived in total isolation for the past year with a small interlude of a visit to my HSP friend’s place. What is fascinating to me is that from what I’ve read, formal psychology gives the definition that Narcissistic people actually lack the brain chemicals that enable them to feel empathy and HSPs have an unusually high ability to feel empathy. Hence, the attraction of these two opposites into a codependent toxic relationship. I don’t know if the movie addresses this. When I watch a movie, my mind is usually on the concepts, scenes actors/actresses and ideas in the movie for months afterwards so I minimize the amount of movie watching I partake in but I am very curious about this movie and the concept of HSP.
The HSP body of info has been a life-saver for me, and Elaine Aron a literal godsend when I most needed it (my health had crashed for the 2nd time). She took away all my guilt about being different!! I have been spreading the word ever since my angels led me to her radio interviews in 1997, and have given that wonderful first book as a gift to many others through the past 20 years. I’m VERY happy about the growth of this unanticipated “movement”!! And will go to the film if it shows in the San Diego area