Some of you are probably curious about how Alanis Morissette is taking part in the film being made on HSPs. Or, if this is news to you, how she came to be in the film. Alanis reached out to Will and Diana Harper, the Director and Producer (my email address being notoriously difficult to find, intentionally). This delighted us, as she is an important figure to many people, for many reasons. We interviewed her in December at her Malibu Beach home. Okay, so maybe you are curious about how that went.
It went fine. Actually, I am not prone to just write about someone. I want to respect a person’s privacy. If I’m going to write about Alanis, at least I want this to have some substance and be something that she would like. (Since I wrote that, she has read this and, very sweetly and thoughtfully, expressed to me how moved she was by it–she wanted that last part in here!) The substance here may be the effect of Valentine’s Day (or of all the attention my husband’s research has been getting in the news lately, because I decided to write about Alanis and love, and then expanded it to emotion in general because it is such a huge topic for HSPs, who feel so deeply about everything. Indeed, it expanded so much that it now is in two parts, with the second coming in February and focused on “emotional regulation” and new research on that and HSPs.
Love as Three Scoops
What is love? There are many kinds of love–love of things, love of humankind or of all beings, love of God, game-playing “love,” etcetera. But the kind of love I mean here is for one other person, although there may be many towards whom you feel this of love. You want to be around the person (there is an attraction, a “vibe”); you want to know all about the person; and you want to help the person as much as possible. “As possible” is crucial, because you must take into account your own needs as well. But increasingly the other’s needs are also your own needs because you have “included the other in yourself” (one finding of the research my husband and I have done on love). If you just like a person, the three are still true, but not as strong.
I have developed this three-part definition of love and liking because I find some people are confused by other people in their lives who say they love or like them but do not show these three behaviors.
Of course the three are not rigid ideas. We might like or love a person so much that we would choose not to be around him or her, as when a child is ready to leave home or a student ready to graduate and we encourage that out of love. We might give up wanting to know all about a person if the person does not want to be known, at least not yet. We often are not in a position to help someone we like or even love. But when we start out being attracted to or wanting to become friends with someone, we usually mean to have these three and hope the other will towards us.
Love as a Source of Strong Emotions
Sometimes love is thought of as an emotion. “Wow, I love him so much!” But love is actually a motivation (to do the three things above), so that it can give rise to many emotions, such as joy, yearning, fear, anger, the excitement of discovery, grief, shame, curiosity, guilt, and pride. In fact, love and liking are probably the biggest cause of all our emotions. It plays a large role in our evolution and survival, in that love causes us to raise children rather than simply leave them as eggs to take care of themselves, and both fathers and mothers contribute to raising a family because they love each other–they want to be around each other, to know about each other, and to help all they can.
Personally I think more and more love is where we are headed as a species, at least I hope so. We are one of the most loving of all species already. We not only raise our young together, but cooperate in many ways with each other because we love or like each other. Love is in competition with some other human qualities, of course, that are not so lovely. But I hope “love will triumph.”
How Alanis Regulates Strong Emotions
A simplified definition of emotional regulation is to feel the right emotion for your long-term wellbeing, at the right time, and in the right intensity for you. HSPs, having so many strong and subtle emotions, must develop emotional regulation, especially early in life, but throughout life. We can learn some of the fine points of emotional regulation from lyricists and poets like Alanis, and artists of all types, who need to be aware of their emotions because so much of art is about the expression of a basic emotion in a new way. In the case of Alanis, she told me that she usually writes a song in less than an hour, because it is the expression of her emotions at the time. Often expressing emotions leads to the artist seeing more deeply into the nuances and origins of the feeling, another part of emotional regulation. This can work for you, too. Indeed the growing field of art therapy depends greatly on this principle.
Because emotions are their tool, artists do not feel negative about negative emotions, another important part of emotional regulation. HSPs also need to accept whatever they feel rather than feel additional shame, fear, or anger about having the emotion. And if there IS shame about the feelings they feel, that they have the capacity to fly in the face of that shame and express their feelings anyway. This could be why many artists are often credited as “being so brave”. Finally, often artists have learned they can tolerate strong emotions, also essential to emotional regulation. HSPs need to learn that confidence as well. We will survive this wave of feeling.
Since artists are often expressing emotions stirred up by love, they help us regulate the emotions specific to love as well, vicariously. In our first HSP study (published in 1997), we asked and found it to be true that HSPs report feeling love more intensely than others. When we have fallen “head over heels” or lost someone we love, or been rejected or betrayed, poems and songs about the resulting feelings make us aware of how we feel, make us feel okay about feeling so intensely because we are not alone, and help us tolerate these tidal waves of emotion by finding out others also have them. (Although sometimes poems and songs also stir things up, so we need to know when to stop listening, too.)
Lessons from Alanis on Handling Criticism
However, artists are troubled by other sources of intense emotion besides the ones they sing about. One is familiar to HSPs–handling criticism. Like love, criticism can lead to many emotions, but especially shame, guilt, anger, fear, and depression. Even the kindest criticism can still be difficult for an HSP to receive because, by nature, take it so seriously. We are designed to take every opportunity to improve our “cognitive maps” through feedback from the environment. We evolved to pay particular attention to negative feedback (“so you say that didn’t work”) because it is often the quickest and most important way to correct a mistake. (Although, in many work or social situations, HSPs usually learn even better from positive feedback, as it is keeps us within our optimal level of arousal, which means we learn better).
Anyone in the public eye is a target for constant criticism, but Alanis gets it from both barrels: she is a famous artist and an HSP. Sometimes critiques of one’s work, such as art work or a performance, are valid, at least from the critic’s viewpoint, as an expression of the person’s own reaction or in comparing one person’s work to another’s. Sometimes criticism is even constructive, helping improve the communication of emotions or ideas.
Sometimes, however, criticism can be hostile and actually violent. These critics are perhaps envious, thoughtless, seeking public attention, or worse, perhaps a psychopath enjoying the power he or she has over others, especially through the internet, as we have seen with cyber-bullying. This type of intentionally harmful criticism is becoming much more common, according to Alanis.
HSPs take note: Alanis has learned to avoid all types of public criticism as much as she can, and often has her friends and colleagues vet articles, etcetera, before they send them to her, in order to separate the feedback that is helpful and validating from the more derisive or cruel bullying. Even public opinion about her music she does not take too much to heart, because she wishes her music to express what she wants to express, which are her own emotions and perspectives, not what other people want her to express. She is aware that what she expresses will often bring up a lot for the people listening, and is okay with that, as she sees artists as default activists…inviting people to define themselves in accordance to the art. That’s a pretty good lesson for all of us when we as HSPs wish to express our deep feelings and insights to the wider world.
What about useful criticism? She has friends and family who can tell her when she is missing something, of course, and fellow artists and producers she collaborates with to provide feedback about her art. But when criticism of her music, behavior, or values comes from people who can hardly know her or her goals, she does not look at it. She lets others show her the articles that accurately capture the essence of what she was expressing (as a way to mirror and support her) and report anything else truly useful to her.
Love as the Antidote to the Ill Effects of Fame
Another social emotion that Alanis has to deal with is the pride and egotism that comes with fame, as well as the overstimulation. I don’t think any well-known person can escape these feelings without active effort. After all, we are designed to take in all kinds of feedback. And we naturally rank ourselves among others. If someone tells us we are the best, what do we do with that? The trouble is that this feedback is largely the projections of others, also quite natural: “You have saved my life” (rarely the case), “I can’t live without your art” (not likely), “You are the best ever” (until someone else comes along). We all know so many public figures, especially entertainers, who have let fame destroy their personal lives or their bodies, to the point of actual death. The intense energy leads to overstimulation, requiring drugs for sleep or stress-relief, and then the drugged sleep and general exhaustion requires stimulants to “get it on” and perform as expected. It seems to be a huge risk for many successful performers, and of those, many are HSPs, from my own observation and also Alanis’.
For Alanis, fame as a very popular singer began when she was still in high school, but she was wise enough not to release her music outside of Canada, her homeland. By the time she was 21, however, she had moved to Hollywood to develop collaborations that would help her mature as an artist, and her album Jagged Little Pill was released internationally. It sold more than 16 million copies in the U.S. and 33 million. Back in Canada the album was certified “twelve times platinum.” She moved to Los Angeles and all the rest of the story of her art, some of it highly controversial, unfolded. If you read her history, you will be amazed that she survived as an HSP.
This is where love comes in for Alanis. If you truly love other people, again, you want to be around them, to have time for them; you want to know as much about them, which means more time away from the limelight and more of the spotlight on them; and you want to help them if you can, which might mean using your fame to help others, but also sacrificing time for your art to do things for others. This is all the opposite of egotism. Basically, assuming you respect the person you love, you can’t also feel overbearing personal pride around that person for very long. That’s ranking, and the other is love or linking. Both ranking and linking are natural instincts, and doing better than others (fame) naturally pulls us into ranking mode. If, however, you list the people who make you feel good and those who make you feel not so good, the first list is almost always of people with whom you link, the second list is usually of those in which ranking predominates in the relationship, even if you are on top. Hence love again triumphs.
Alanis told me, and probably many others, that as she has matured she has learned that love and relationships are the most important thing to her. Even when she is performing, her relationship to the audience has become paramount. Interestingly, she feels she’s mostly singing to HSPs now, who are often choosing to risk overstimulation by sitting in the front row. And she loves connecting with them. Indeed she says now that the concerts in which she ends with a dialogue with the audience are the most satisfying for her.
Love especially protects her because she makes her husband and parenting her child (including home schooling or “unschooling”) such high priorities. After giving birth, Alanis (who is self-admittedly “obsessed with the stages of development”) noticed her natural style of motherhood fell into the category of attachment parenting, wanting to give her child the best possible start in life. I don’t think she means the extreme of attachment parenting, which would be having the child’s body in contact with yours 24 hours a day–we also talked a great deal about highly sensitive parents and how much they need down time. What is meant by attachment parenting is making certain that an infant or young child always has a dedicated, loving caregiver close at hand. Alanis has made sure that her son has been surrounded by a committed and loving community, on top of her and her husband being consistently present.
All this love really takes time away from what it takes to stay famous. It seems, though, that successful entertainers who can maintain a good, private family life make it through.
Wisely, Alanis also spreads her love out into the world rather than putting all her love “in one basket.” For example, she promotes both the scientific side and the practical side of attachment parenting. And she is now also choosing to help empower highly sensitive people, like herself! You will like her response to our question, “What is your one message to non-HSPs?” She came right back with “Have Mercy!” Two simple, well-chosen words from a true poet.
What else does Alanis do to regulate her intense emotions? She meditates and takes other quick snatches of alone time. When she arrives wherever she will perform, she immediately searches out where she will be able to be absolutely alone when she needs to be. She has made use of high quality psychotherapy when she needed to, and is very knowledgeable about Jungian psychology and her “parts,” including her own shadow. She eats with care, after overcoming an eating disorder. These are all too typical among women performers. And sometimes she just gets into a warm bath, lights candles, and talks kindly to herself! Try it.
Hello Elaine!
Thanks again so much for all of your hard work and spreading all of the great information about HSP’s.
I am not a HSP, and neither is my 28 year old son, but my 29 year old daughter has the trait. I first noticed that she was very much more emotionally deep, complex and intuitive that I am when she was about five years old in 1991. She was coming home from public school Kindergarten classes crying nearly every day, so after about six months I pulled her out and decided to try homeschooling – which turned out to be a wonderful fit for her personality. She eventually went to college, completed a Master’s degree, found a job and apartment and is now doing very well.
I can’t remember how I stumbled on your first book, but it was a lifesaver for me. After I read it, I started discovering all kinds of other ways my daughter demonstrates her high sensitivity; turning out all of the fluorescent lights in a room and turning on warm colored lights, noticing all kinds of details (good or bad) that I miss, experiencing emotions much more intensely, etc. When she got old enough, she started reading your books and it was a tremendous help to her too. I just got done listening to the audio version of “The Undervalued Self” and it helped me understand even more.
I know that you are very busy now, and bravely traveling the world to get the message out. I can’t wait to see the Sensitive movie. I just wanted to let you know that we appreciate all of your hard work SO MUCH – it has been a tremendous help to our family.
Thanks for all this useful, helpful and inspiring information you make available. I’m in my mid-30’s and spent a large part of my 20’s struggling. Sometimes I wish I’d found some answers earlier, but in the end (or rather: in the present) the past doesn’t matter. I’m excited for younger HSP’s who can now have access to so much information sooner, to support them on their journey.
Can relate to attachment parenting as an HSP…breastfed my last one a very long time and carried him everywhere. He is emotionally well adjusted as a mature 4th grader now and is intelligent and sensitive to others:) He is a soul and I feel I gave him the best gift early on:)-joan
The more I read on hsps the more comfortable I feel about myself. I am 54 years old, paint acrylic on canvas. I have always felt drained after being around people. But not if it had anything to do with my art…. I am in my own little world when painting, I am in heaven.
I find myself avoiding certain people because of the bad so called vibes that I feel around them. Cannot stand fake people. Hate small talk but love deep conversations about life and spiritual things.
So tired of getting flack from people because I need or want to be alone. Tired of people telling me that it’s not normal to feel this way.
So I want to say thank you! In my heart of hearts I knew that I was ok :)…. just a highly sensitive women :).
I agree with Christine. It´s so nice to have this subject more available to help people.
I had a really bad experience recently (3 years ago) and it was enough to ignite this sensibility. Then you become more vulnerable, afraid and careful. Even though Alanis is a sensitive person, on the other hand she is the strongest woman I´ve ever seen, facing the problem, sharing…and you need to be strong to share this kinda thing because most people like me, just prefer to hide, in silence feel the pain. Alanis is the opener and even though I don´t face to the world, facing the problem myself is a huge step.
This is beautiful writing and, like Alanis’ emotional honesty, truly inspiring. The child is indeed father to the man and mother to the woman. We need to be there in all dimensions of our humaness to love that child. The child is us. With all the pity, grief, laughter, and healing we love the child.The world is now Peace. Much thanks. Child Trauma Psychologist, Henry G
Love your comment – I am curious if you are an HSP, as a trauma psychologist?
I had no idea there was a name for this… I am definitely a HSP. I always just thought I was extremely passionate and highly emotional when my passion gets fucked with. Now I understand why that connection is so deep between Alanis’ music and myself. Wow! Thanks for sharing and thanks for caring Alanis! #TXlovesAlanis
I agree with how great it is to have information available now for young people so they can be helped to grow up proud of their trait. My 10 year old son has proudly put his name at the end of the film for the Kickstarter campaign, he’s very excited to be part of it. And also thank you to Alanis, as it’s so important for the younger generation to have HSP role models – it helps to see their trait as cool rather than feeling isolated. I’m working on finding male HS role models for my son – sometimes we’ll be watching tv or reading a book, and point out to each other if we find one.
I have been a highly sensitive person since I can remember.
I read with astonishment and happiness the letters before me.
I have always and still do dislike too much of anything, too many people, too much food, too much light, too much noise, too strong smells perfumes floor cleaners, crowded places, etc. but I think I am getting it together at 68. If only I had known so many things would have been different. But the time I do have left I will take time to rest, read. sit with my pets, and look for some me time. I use to think it was important to be busy all the time and I was and I suffered from aches and pains and anxiety of not doing enough or being the same as “others”
Now I am glad I found me, Books help a lot in my case so does Google, I have been told in a joking way I am a Researcher. I think I am. I research everything it is my fun, my relaxation, I learn so much.
Even a simple puzzle can take me to another place. I now take time to let myself know I am ok. If not I take a little anti anxiety pill and go about my business no longer holed up in my home fearing what is out there. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to say what I have wanted to for a long time. Thank you.
It’s great to finally know what is going on with me after learning about the HSP personality. I came from a large family with a wonderful, quiet, loving Mother and a horrific, abusive father. He was abusive to his wife, his sons and his daughters (all in different horrible ways). One of my brothers was very shy and quiet when young, and grew up to be a hard drinking body builder and loudmouth person. I wonder if that was his way of coping. I was used to a lot of noise to some degree with such a large family, but always liked retreating to my room, and was always emotionally exhausted after big family gatherings. My only true friend was my Mother whom I saw abused physically and verbally so much, until I reached the age (around 17) where I was like a lion in her defense against my father, and she would quietly allow it, never telling me to back off him. Not until my 30s when my husband left me, and triggered the realization that the odd sexual dreams I had had since I was a child were true, and the shadowy, terrifying man always chasing me in the dreams was my father. By that time he was dead, but the poor sleep and bad dreams continued since whenever I slept, as I was a child again in my dreams (that has since lessened). I was more outgoing as a teenager and loved anything that included dancing. Sounds strange, but while dancing I felt totally alone and unaware of eyes watching me; it just felt free. Otherwise, I was also too tense, too “aware” of my feelings as well as everyone else’s. I could feel the “temperature” of a room when I walked into it and could feel who was happy, angry, sad, etc. Now, after many jobs with hypercritical bosses (or so it seemed), and three marriages with men I was intensely nervous around, I have been single and only feel truly loved by my two adult sons. Oddly enough, I have always felt and still do, even though they are large men, very protective of them. If someone dared to be rude or to strike them in my presence, I would jump in before my brain stopped to think better of it. So odd for a person who never stands up for herself. I have a long history of light, sun, temperature, sound, smell and startle sensitivity. Major migraines result from nearly all of these things and/or panic attacks with episodes of depression inbetween. I’m now a brand new senior citizen (shock to me) and have not gotten over the death of my dear Mother who passed away in 2003. My oldest sister is very critical of most things about me, that included. She is sure something is wrong with me because I can’t get over Mother’s passing, although I no longer discuss anything with her now she could criticize. I’m always a bit surprised that she got over it so easily.
Anyway, this is not a journal blog! I guess I’m just seeing how the things I mentioned, and many I didn’t, could be related to be having this HSP trait. I believe one of sons has it, since he is an extreme agoraphobic introvert, while the other son is an extreme outgoing extrovert. Doesn’t make for the closeness of siblings I wish they had, but I love them both beyond reasoning. I will be reading more about the personality trait. So glad I ran into this blog. Thank you for allowing my rambling.
It is absolutely wonderful to be reading this now, as a 35-year-old HSP. Alanis’ album “Jagged Little Pill” was my therapy growing up (as it was for many). It was the first time I was so deeply touched by music, and for that I will forever love her work. Last summer my sister played one of her songs in the van where the whole family was (including my kids) during a road trip in Italy. I hadn’t heard the song since I was a teenager, and yet it brought back all these intense feelings which was wonderful (and a little overwhelming). Finding out she’s an HSP herself and seeing how involved she is in all of this was just amazing. It takes a very special person do that.
Wish I had known about you 20 years ago
Hi Elaine,
I’m overwhelmed with emotion. I stumbled upon your post on Facebook and immediately it caught my eye. You see, I’ve been battling depression and anxiety for a little over five years. My other half would say I’m judgemental, critical and have chosen not to get help. I’ve tried to describe how negative words can throw my into a deeper depression. As I took the test online, I began to realize this was me. It’s truly inspirational to hear that I’m not alone. I’ve listened to Alanis’ music for 20 years and love her lyrics. I’ve always felt like those would be the words I would sing, if I could write. My favorite lyrics are from her song, Everything. I feel connected to the world when I listen to it. I’m excited to learn more about HSP.
I’m a big believer in he gift of serendipity. I’ve heard of HSP, but at the time thought it had nothing to do with me. Well….I found your podcast yesterday as I was searching through stitcher for podcasts related to GAD and social anxiety, for my teen daughter. She is a full on empath and greatly struggling with school. Yes doesn’t want to homeschool because she needs the social interaction. She is actually quite extroverted when well and receives energy from interaction with the right people.
Taking the quiz you linked to on the first podcast notes, it appears I’m clearly an HSP. Suddenly weird, quirky, overly-sensitive to people, places, loud noises, intuitive self has a rather comforting label. I held my emotions in very tightly as a child and had IBD by 13. I was told to avoid all stress. Haha. We do have our coping mechanisms though and I’ve gotten much better and creating a proper environment for me, shrieking at loud noises without shame, and generally saying no to uncomfortable situations. Thanks to you and Alanis for creating his blog post. <3
I got IBD, too, and now my daughter is 13 and so sensitive, she often has crying fits at school in the middle of class. Luckily, her teacher is sensitive, too. I hope this recognition helps her understand herself because other kids, although her friends, call her baby.
Sorry, Elaine! Just realized, you’ve nothing to do with the podcast and this is the site where I took the test! And apologize for loads of typos. Well, my iPad word corrector thingy tries to be helpful:(
My ten year old has started to develop school anxiety. So she has been avoiding school. It started out as stomachaches and headaches, then her symptoms became worse with her fear becoming worse. In trying to find answers, I stumbled upon The Highly Sensitive Child book. I think that teachers at her school do resort to shouting as a way to control the kids and definitely she is scared by this. In addition, they also scolded her (harshly may i add in front of other children and i only learned of this incident through a good friend of hers. I think she believes she will get more in trouble if she says anything) for missing school and yet she goes to her dancing class which she loves to do.
Her anxiety became so great that she was losing sleep. I had to stop sending her to school and allowed her to stay at home to study. Of course, the psychologist told me that this was not a good idea even after I tried to inform her of my child’s HS trait. After reading Alanis’ comments about “unschooling”, I am interested to know more about what she means exactly. I am afraid that my daughter has also picked up bad behaviors from her school.
I have an 11 year old HSP daughter. She too struggled at school due to teaching staff not being prepared to accept/understand that her anxiety and over emotional reactions were due to being a HSP and not some other disorder (this was confirmed by specialist). She could not cope with being hauled out of class when she overreacted to the teacher and the teacher would not recognise that sometimes a quiet spot was all that was needed to give her a breather (insisted that she had a quiet spot but actually it was the same spot where ‘naughty’ kids got sent for timeout, so not good connotations). Because we couldn’t get anywhere with school authorities, we took her out of school and started homeschooling. Best move we ever made. And one supported by the psychologist we had been working with. She has gained so much in terms of being able to manage her emotions better, feels more confident because she knows she has support, and is achieving at work that she had lost all confidence with. It is not always easy especially finding work that we can around homeschooling, but it has certainly been worthwhile when you consider the long term benefits we think it will have for her.
This website helped immensely in my self-discovery. I feel like I’ve always been a bit lost and had so much trouble connecting with people. Taking the quiz helped with confirmation of myself being a HSP, however this article stood out more than anything. I’ve always loved Alanis’ music for the lyrics, the deep-meaning and the fact that I feel as if I’m feeling how she felt when she wrote the song, almost every time I hear her music. She is a great Connecter, in that way, allowing myself among others, to connect to her via her music. The words about love in this article speak to me quite strongly, as well. Love is so important to me.
Anyways, being a 26 year old who has always felt strange and self-conscious about my sensitivity- you have helped me realize a lot. I just wanted to say thank you for writing this. I just discovered this site today, but I plan on being a loyal visitor.
I’m so glad I found you and your HSP book and blogs. Thank you for all the great information. I’m finally beginning to find out who I am because of you. I’ve always hated being super sensitive but that is now changing. Finally.
Wow !!!
Hello everyone. Learning that there is such a thing as a Highly Sensitive Person has really opened my eyes to greater understanding of myself and situations throughout my lifetime. And since I”m 72 that covers a lot of living. Thinking back over the years of my development from baby to senior citizen I can see that so many of my problems began in my very early childhood. I was very attuned to the moods of the adults in my family. Two much older parents and siblings and much stress in the home. A very intelligent child with a certain degree of ADD, and a lot of repressive control from the older siblings.
I know now that I was anxious and depressed from a very early age. In my fifties I started taking an anti-depressant. At the end of the trial month I exclaimed to my Doc, “So this is how other people feel!!” I think that was the best thing to ever happen to me. My Doctor knew that I turned all my intense feelings inward. Not to natter on, but in short, I didn’t have a very happy life. Lots and lots of suicidal thoughts.
My first husband passed away, my five children are now adults, I have re-married. Before we married I told him that I was very complex, intense, and that I seldom got angry but when I do look out!! He didn’t flinch, and things are going very well for us two antique people. I am so much relieved to learn that I”m not some sort of head case. Well—Knowledge really is power. And now I know that I’m not The Only One.
Best wishes to all of you fellow travelers, Kathleen.
Wow. I can so relate to the I don’t get mad often but look out when I do!
I can relate I was often very unhappy as a small child although I now know at age 56 both my mother and I are HSP’S I also have Dyslexia which my wife told me after reading to her. As I got older things got drastically worse my mother was only 18 when she had me and my brother who is not HSP 4 years later. My father became more and more hostile and aggressive towards me as I got older and the mental and physical abuse got worse and I took to drinking with my friend after school. I had no confidence and was extremely shy and self conscious all I wanted was someone to love me. My mother died age 48 which was devastating almost immediately my father started using me as a whipping boy my brother was everything me nothing.
Growing up with HSP and undiagnosed Dyslexia was literally painful. At school I was put in Remedial english classes until a Teacher disagreed and had me tested, I had an IQ of 189 and was tested as being highly intelligent and extremely perceptive of both people and my surroundings. However this didn’t help me I was 11 years old had scored high enough to go to grammar school but, A. know one told me this was a life altering exam and B. because of more births in 1964 they raised the bar considerably and I had to go to a secondary school I was furious. Growing up as an HSP child was awful, Boys aren’t supposed to cry and yet the emotions I felt were so overwhelming and strong I couldn’t help it and this only got worse as i got older also I knew I was clever but found school and college one of the most destructive periods in my life and from a young age suffered what I thought was depression and often had suicidal thoughts. I hated the fact that my father and other people thought that because I was always nice and very well spoken and polite that I was also weak. This was a big mistake as I will take a vast amount of verbal abuse but! I have a line and once someone crosses that or goes for someone I love then I go deadly silent and from that moment on anything can happen and the best thing the protagonist can do is stay dead still and quiet any movement will trigger me and I never know what I will do so usually someone who knows me used to allow some time before gently talking to me and leading me away from my protagonist who without fail had turned white and was shaking with fear, because of this I was feared by bullies whom I hated and so generally avoided physical bullying in school. Not so from my father who abused me until I was about 38 and then one day he knew I wouldn’t put up with it any more and he stopped. I had a job for a short while as manager at a garage one day I had an accident we drove Renault Traffic vans out of the back doors of the MOT bay when ready I went to drive one out only it was a high top and I put a big dent in the roof. I was so upset that I went straight to my boss and told him that he needed to sack me, I felt so bad that the secretary Veronica must have sensed it and she took me for a walk away from the garage I was over 20 and crying my eyes out, as we were walking a repulsive man who did odd jobs turned up and Veronica spotted him and said don’t let Mr Friend see you crying put your head down, Veronica wasn’t HSP but she was always kind to me and I am forever grateful for the kindness and sensitivity that she showed me. I have PTSD, M.E, and a serious spinal injury which allowed my ex-wife who I had loved and helped all are married life abused me both mentally and physically and staved me from 220 lbs down to 80 lbs and then just walked out the door leaving me stuck in bed and with one Rottweiler, one Boerboel and a huge Bull Mastiff. The sad thing is I knew something was wrong with my ex-wife as soon as we bought a house together and I should have ended it but instead I took on all responsibilities at her wish and supported her through numerous confrontations and even being asked to leave a job because she held a scalpel to a mans throat after being provoked. 20 years later and I get a diagnosis that she has Borderline personality disorder, this however is not an illness and cannot be used as an excuse for any outbursts. Even after being told by her own councillor that she was abusing me so badly that if it were the other way around she would have already called the police but because I am a man the police would not take it seriously. I started having a mental break down soon after and now 10 years later after losing my photographic long term memory and struggling with what I am saying and being unable to eat or come out of the house I am slowly realigning like a messed up Rubik’s cube slowly trying to get all the colours aligned again it is a lonely and painful process and at times often frightening without help but I feel the real me slowly coming back. Life in general has been terrible for me I have been tortured for months and have had to live with these intense overflowing emotions that for aman most think unseemly .
Andrew I am so moved by your comment..I also struggle w depression and ptsd and being prescribed as “weak” for simply demonstrating my HSP qualities I have felt i had to hide my entire life. I just want to say I applaud your vulnerability in sharing your experiences on this website. In one of my classes in school this semester my professor showed us the Jennifer Brea TED Talk about M.E. Just last week. I was moved by her vulnerability in sharing her struggles as well and I am forever attracted to that of which people know little about or misunderstand or misdiagnose. I have shared the video w friends and family and am eager to understand M.E and spread awareness. I’m sending you some virtual applause for conquering all that you have because I am honored to have had the privilege of reading your words. You’re an inspiration to me and I wish you all the peace and self-compassion that you wish. With gratitude,
-Catherine
“Because emotions are their tool, artists do not feel negative about negative emotions, another important part of emotional regulation.” I would have to say this is not a true statement. Artists can and often do feel strongly effected by their emotions – both positive and negatively. It is a the blessing and the curse of being an artist, such as it is experiencing life as an HSP and why many HSPs are artists. Artists find their emotions not only negative but down right intolerable. Many artists find art the only way to connect to emotions they cannot come to terms with. Negativity, confusion as well as joyful spontaneous inspiration can set in motion the need to express oneself through artistic means. They express these emotions in a scream or mold them into clay to try to make sense of them. It is important to point out that yes, artists use emotion as their tools but they also use logic, well thought out strategies and analytical thought processes to construct their work. I feel the need to explain this because I believe it is important that people understand that art is not just the product of some mythical magical process but mostly the culmination of years of hard work and struggle that the artist has put in to master his/her art work – work being the key word and more often what makes one successful as an artist.
I have been HSP since infancy and have gone through so many stages of my life where I have struggled with hiding the way I felt about almost everything!! I always had an innate knowingness about the depth of my emotions and reactions vs. what seemed like the whole rest of the world. As a young child I hid most of my anxiety, panic attacks and tried as much as I possibly could to come up with ways to not let the intensity of my emotions be revealed. I began having panick attacks around the age of 6 or 7 years old, although I had no idea what that actually was. The first time I had a panic attack in the presence of my mother, I realized I would have to somehow learn or find a way to hide if this happened again. My mother became hysterical with confusion and fear and helplessness. She cried and panicked and “I just don’t what to do and I don’t know what is wrong with you!” As it turns out she is also an HSP- which we now know. This constant search for ways to hide my thoughts, emotions, and curiosity basically led me to live my life as character version of myself. Being an Empath and HSP has always helped me adjust my “character” to suit the people in my life and had many friends, was generally outgoing and as others saw as very bright with a much higher potential than my grades in school reflected. I feared revealing my academic potential would lead to expectations and and I was afraid to risk failing to meet anyone’s expectations and the emotional toll it would inevitably take on me. I did exactly the requirements it would take to go to college and nothing more. After college and into adulthood, I still struggled with reconciling my true self with the “image” I had created. I needed to find out if there was information that could somehow explain or even define what the hell it could be me to know completely that there was something very different about how I would think and perceive everything and get so swept beyond things unrelated to my life or not within my control. This is me to being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult which was a huge turning point for realizing that I actually did have something that made my brain different and it helped alleviate some of the guilt I felt for some of my more complex behaviors. It was around this time that I discovered the term “Indigo Child” I was iotq bbthat based on the wha
I’m 30 and six years ago my girl friend left me alone, I’m still thinking on her, every day every night. Some times Psychology and psychotherapy can not cure you, they can teach you how to live together with your pains, but not the matter of overcoming.
I learned about your great work as my therapist explained to me what HSP was and watching your DVD. I cried as me and my mom watched it. I was recently diagnosed as an HSP. Thinking back to where my traits began, I remember my grandmother and mother being in moods where their crying was constant. I am a giver and can never accept gifts or compliments. I am sensitive to people watching me do anything. I freeze up. I do retreat for the fear of being judged by others. I befriend those that others take for granted. I am highly sensitive to animals in particular my last dog who picked me out at her shelter. Any person or animal in distress, I am the one to reach out. I’m the one to ask what’s wrong. Maybe to often.
I found this book in the midst of this pandemic and have slowly moved through each chapter to absorb every moment of this life changing book (also the epiphanies are endless I need to step away to reflect after every chapter lol). I was recently informed I got the job at a local bakery and as excited as I was hearing this news I also grew madly anxious about how I would perform as an HSP coping w/ anxiety ptsd and depression. shortly thereafter I read ch. 6 Thriving at Work and I am immediately relieved and reassured I know my strengths/weaknesses and can only get better having been made aware of them thanks to Dr. Aron<3 As a HUGE Alanis fan (faintly remembering her sound as a child ((i’m a ‘96 Feb baby)) I reconnected w her music again in 2017 and don’t plan on disconnecting!) I decide to read the back of the books cover w/ quotes from readers but didn’t think I would know anyone writing them so i skimmed over who said what. But reading the 2nd review left me feeling particular connected to whoever said it and i glance at the name….ALANIS MORISSETTE! If this isn’t pronoia (the idea/belief that everything in the universe in conspiring to support you) idk what is! And let me tell you this isn’t the first sign the universe has sent me. I’m 24 yrs old approaching 25 Feb8th and the release of the 25th anniversary edition of The Highly Sensitive Person could not have appeared at a more critical time. This book and your research Dr. Aron truly has saved me and restored my faith in the greater good. Love always wins and HSP’s can too. My gratitude is infinite!!!
Alanis
It’s 2021 and I’m 57 years old. I watch the movie sensitive on prime. I’ve always known that I’ve been sensitive and the older I get the worse it seems to be. But watching the video and listening to all has opened my eyes and heart to know I’m not alone. I’ve been told by many therapists that I was HSP really didn’t understand what it meant and why they would say that. But after watching this movie I’ve come to an understanding and feel free to share with the world how lucky I am to be open and proud of who I am. It all makes sense. It has been a hard year since Covid and our children have been home learning and now so I’m going back to school and learning it’s been hard on our children and it’s been hard on the parents that I have to deal with disabilities ADHD autism and HSP and others that are out there that I haven’t mentioned my heart goes out to all of those and more thank you Alanna for sharing your gift of not being afraid. If I could be of any help to get this word out I would love to be a part. God bless you Sonya