• About Dr. Elaine Aron
  • Resources
    • For HSPs
    • For Parents of HSCs
    • International Websites
    • HSP-Knowledgeable Therapists, Coaches and Medical Professionals
      • Seeking an HSP-knowledgeable Therapist?
      • For HSP-Knowledgeable Professionals
    • Coaches and Other Professionals
      • Certified Coaches
      • Medical Professionals
      • How to Be Listed as an HSP-Knowledgeable Professional
    • Just for Highly Sensitive Therapists (and Coaches)
  • For Interviews, Speakers
  • FAQs
  • Blog
  • How to Reach Us
  • The Foundation

The Highly Sensitive Person

  • Home
  • Books
    • The Highly Sensitive Person
    • The Highly Sensitive Parent
    • The Highly Sensitive Person’s Workbook
    • The Highly Sensitive Person in Love
    • The Highly Sensitive Child
    • Psychotherapy and the Highly Sensitive Person
    • The Undervalued Self
  • Self-Tests
    • Are You Highly Sensitive?
    • Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?
    • High Sensation Seeking Test
  • Comfort Zone
    • Blog
    • Email Newsletters 2004-2014
  • HSP Events
  • Store
    • Bookstore
    • Audio
    • DVDs
    • Therapist List Test Materials
    • Shipping Info
  • If You Need Help
    • Therapists
    • Coaches
    • Medical Professionals
    • How to be listed as an HSP-knowledgeable professional
  • Research
    • Measurement Scales for Researchers
    • Summaries of Research – Easy Reads
    • Sensory Processing Sensitivity: The State of the Model (in Powerpoint format)
    • Research Articles by Elaine and Her Collaborators
    • Articles by Others That Are Especially Relevant
    • Researcher Contact
  • Videos & Podcasts

How can I describe being highly sensitive to other people?

May 28, 1997 By Elaine 2 Comments

Originally published in Comfort Zone Newsletter, from Volume II, Issue II: May 1997.
Your Questions Answered:
Reader from Los Angeles asks: How can I describe being highly sensitive to other people?

A Generic Explanation

To start, use a generic explanation like this one:
“This is a normal biological individual difference in personality and physiology inherited by about 15 to 20% of just about all higher animals. Those with this trait notice more subtleties and process information more deeply.”

You can also add, or not, that “anyone noticing more subtleties would logically also have to be more easily overwhelmed than others by prolonged, intense, or chaotic sound, sights, etc.”

If they are still interested, you can add that “the difference is quite profound, affecting everything HSPs do and many bodily responses—for example, as a group we are more sensitive to pain, caffeine, medications, temperature, light, and hunger. We are more reflective, learn more slowly but thoroughly, and tend to be unusually conscientious.”

If Attention Deficit Disorder comes up (because it is another trait receiving a lot of press), say they are unrelated and possibly the opposite, although HSPs may be misdiagnosed as ADHD because overstimulation can sometimes make us “hyper” or unable to concentrate.

If shyness, fearfulness, or the like comes up, you can add that about two thirds of HSPs do reduce the stimulation in their lives by being introverted—preferring a few close friends rather than being in groups or meeting strangers. But about a third are extraverts. As for being more fearful or timid, it’s just that we pause to check things out a little longer, which can look to others like fear.

Tailoring Your Response

However, before you recite all of that to just anyone, you might want to consider two issues: Why are you telling this person and what is their likely reaction to what you are going to say?

There are so many reasons for you to be speaking about your trait—perhaps you want someone to treat you differently, or you want to be closer to someone through talking about something deeply important to you, or you think the other person is an HSP too and you want to share the information you have. Different purposes require different strategies.

Then there are the reactions you may get. A person you want to treat you differently may be delighted to oblige, once you explain what you require. Examples are service persons, health professionals, and friends. But a few are bound to see it as an excuse for wanting special treatment. Or something you (or I) made up—they aren’t sensitive so it doesn’t exist. I know I can sometimes sense when I’m going to get that reaction. In those cases I may choose a different approach, or not speak at all.

Finally, some people may be offended that they aren’t being considered “sensitive,” in the sense of empathic or caring. Tell them it has both meanings, but you mean sensitive to sensory stimuli. Reassure them that they are empathic, if they are, and that HSPs when overaroused may not be very empathic at all. If they still can’t let you be different and have your trait, well, grr.

Approaches That Suit Your Goals

When you are speaking to people because you want them to treat you differently, you might think about what they are already gaining from your being highly sensitive. Let them know about the trait in a way that makes them want to protect you so that you can continue to be useful to them. And be specific about what you do and do not need them to do.

By the way, if you want a whole group of people to treat you differently, try talking about your trait to an extravert among them who is fond of you—that person will tell everyone for you.

In the case of someone with whom you want to feel close, you ought to be able just to plunge in and speak openly. But every now and then you will find that you have actually made the other person feel more distant and shut out because of this strange new difference between you. He or she may deny the difference, or try to claim to be highly sensitive too, although you know it’s not the case, or feel threatened or disappointed because things he or she looked forward to doing with you may not be possible. In this case, emphasize your similarities in other areas, and how you will make a good team because of the ways you complement each other. And be careful not to use your trait as an excuse for avoiding doing what the other likes or needs when your sensitivity is really not the issue.

When you are talking about the trait to other people whom you think are also highly sensitive, they are usually glad to hear the information. But remember some of your own ambivalence at first—they may feel they are being too neatly labeled, trapped by their own physiology, or found out as the defective person they always believed they were. You must accept their word for it if they feel it is not them, or too limiting. And always, always emphasize the positive aspects.

Filed Under: Old Comfort Zone Articles

Comments

  1. Gwendolyn Stort says

    March 27, 2021 at 5:40 am

    Dear Elaine,

    your website reached me deeply. So good to know what`s the matter and how to response on situations in dayly life. It´s good to know to belong to a special group of characters, not to be single-disorientated, and to be able to understand, why communication with special people works out better than with others. Too see the similarities.

    This gives me a lot of relief (and my English growing while reading your website).

    I found your website on basis of a request of the Filmprojekt Wuppertal (Germany) for people who want to take part in a documentary film about HS. Now, eventually, I wanted to know what it is – High Sensibility – and found your website on “Google”.

    Thanks for your work on this subject!

    Gwendolyn Stort

    Reply
  2. Maureen Bryan says

    August 17, 2021 at 12:39 am

    Great information. I scored 21 on the questionaire. It was so good to know someone researching is understanding my lifestyle. My new idea will be to own the situation and tell people that I can’t bear the glare etc. because I am sensitive to it. People usually ask me if I have Cataracts. I live my life avoiding the strong smells, noise, glare, certain situations. But sometimes I fall into things that I do not expect. For example today I visited a friend recently widowed and the house was full of flowers and half were the strong smelling lilies. My chronic headache went up and will probably stay up for a day or more. Your information is so reassuring for me and acknowledges that I matter.

    Reply

Share Your Comments & Feedback: Cancel reply

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. All comments are moderated before posting, so please be patient.

The purpose of these comments is to share your experiences and support each other as HSPs. Elaine is busy these days with her research and writing, and usually doesn’t have time to reply, but she invites and appreciates all of your thoughts, feedback, support, and conversation.

If you disagree, please be respectful. Avoid harsh language or negative assumptions about motivations or character. Focus on facts, ideas and - most of all - compassion.

If you have other correspondence, please use the links under the "How to Reach Us" tab.

 

Some HTML tags allowed: <strong>, <em>, <del>, etc.

Recent Posts

  • Research from 2022 on High Sensitivity
  • Research: High Sensitivity Wrongly Identified with Narcissism, Plus Studies on Parenting Applied to Managing and Caregiving
  • More HSP Research
  • More Research, from 2018 and 2019

Posts by Category

Announcing our newest book
The Highly Sensitive Parent

HSP Parent

New 25th Anniversary Edition
The Highly Sensitive Person

HSP 25th Anniversary Edition

Announcing the release of our documentary Sensitive Lovers: A Deeper Look into their Relationships

In this documentary, Art Aron (well-known love researcher) and Elaine Aron provide the science and advice behind the film Sensitive and in Love. Learn more about Sensitive Lovers here.

Sensitive and In Love

A feature film, focuses on what perhaps matters most: how high sensitivity affects your relationships with loved ones. Learn more and purchase the Sensitive and In Love here.

Sensitive: The Untold Story

Rent or purchase Sensitive: The Untold Story here.

Search

Subscribe

Sign up for The Comfort Zone
for updates and announcements about events, book releases, blog posts and other news of interest to the HSP community. We will not share your information with anyone else.

CLICK HERE to join our mailing list.

About this Blog

The quarterly Comfort Zone ended in 2014, partly to give Elaine more time to write, but also because a blog seemed more up-to-date and flexible, allowing her to write new posts based on the interests of readers. If you've signed up for her list, you will be notified when she has posted anything new. Comments: While she will not answer every comment, she will read them all and, again, may be inspired by some comments to write another blog post. You will also receive emails of any important announcement rather than these showing up only in the quarterly issue. Old Comfort Zones: The many emailed Comfort Zones are still very timely. To make full use of the extensive Comfort Zone archives, the Comfort Zone section has a Google search that will find old Comfort Zone issues as well as topics in the blog posts.

The Original Book

The Highly Sensitive Person book cover

A general introduction and covers every aspect of an HSP's life. Worldwide bestseller. Translated into 32 languages. With an Author's Note summarizing the latest research.

More Books by Elaine Aron...

Connect with Us

For questions, problems, or feedback, go here and choose the email address that fits your needs.

Copyright © 2023 Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D. — All rights reserved.