• About Dr. Elaine Aron
  • Resources
    • For HSPs
    • For Parents of HSCs
    • International Websites
    • HSP-Knowledgeable Therapists, Coaches and Medical Professionals
      • Seeking an HSP-knowledgeable Therapist?
      • For HSP-Knowledgeable Professionals
    • Coaches and Other Professionals
      • Certified Coaches
      • Medical Professionals
      • How to Be Listed as an HSP-Knowledgeable Professional
    • Just for Highly Sensitive Therapists (and Coaches)
  • For Interviews, Speakers
  • FAQs
  • Blog
  • How to Reach Us
  • The Foundation

The Highly Sensitive Person

  • Home
  • Books
    • The Highly Sensitive Person
    • The Highly Sensitive Parent
    • The Highly Sensitive Person’s Workbook
    • The Highly Sensitive Person in Love
    • The Highly Sensitive Child
    • Psychotherapy and the Highly Sensitive Person
    • The Undervalued Self
  • Self-Tests
    • Are You Highly Sensitive?
    • Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?
    • High Sensation Seeking Test
  • Comfort Zone
    • Blog
    • Email Newsletters 2004-2014
  • HSP Events
  • Store
    • Bookstore
    • Audio
    • DVDs
    • Therapist List Test Materials
    • Shipping Info
  • If You Need Help
    • Therapists
    • Coaches
    • Medical Professionals
    • How to be listed as an HSP-knowledgeable professional
  • Research
    • Measurement Scales for Researchers
    • Summaries of Research – Easy Reads
    • Sensory Processing Sensitivity: The State of the Model (in Powerpoint format)
    • Research Articles by Elaine and Her Collaborators
    • Articles by Others That Are Especially Relevant
    • Researcher Contact
  • Videos & Podcasts

Would you be willing to sit at the bedside of a dying stranger and comfort them?

March 15, 2014 By Elaine 4 Comments

Originally published in Comfort Zone Newsletter: March 2014

When I wrote the 60 or so items that eventually became the 27 items of the HSP Scale, the title of this article was one of the items. Obviously I wrote it because I thought HSPs would be likely to agree with it, and I was right. I don’t recall now the reason we did not include it, but I think it captures something larger about us.

Of course, not every HSP is comfortable in this situation. Further, if the dying person is a very special person to you, for example a child or a partner, it will be unique to that relationship. The ability to be with the dying is simply a tendency of ours. Perhaps it is the “priestly advisor” part.

I have sometimes joked that when the king is lying on the battle field with a mortal wound, astounded that this could be happening to him, he calls for his priestly advisor—priest, shaman, Brahmin, or whomever (and I have said before that often the persons given these trusted positions were probably HSPs). The king knows this is the person who can explain the meaning of it all.

More likely, an HSP would try to help the king find his own meaning of it all. I suppose the reason we are comfortable in that role is partly our empathy, those highly active mirror neurons you will soon know more about. Perhaps it is also our preference for deep conversation. Very often at the bedside of a dying person, the chit-chat ends, or at least the person wishes it would end. Sometimes the person doesn’t know it, but still needs it to end. Nervous people not knowing what to say will go on and on, but the person who can go deep is the person needed at that moment.

I think HSPs also understand something I heard said in a course on tending the dying: “Each person needs to have what is, uniquely for him or her, an appropriate death, not an appropriated death.” That is, others often think they know how the dying person ought to die—with or without “setting things right” with estranged family members, with or without resuscitation or pain medications, with or without others around, at home or not, with prayers and music or not. These should be decided by no one but the dying person, and HSPs are much better at understanding this and finding out what the person wants.

I think to myself, “Is this subject too morbid for CZ?” Then I remember the above item and how HSPs tend to answer it. This is not morbid to us. We are drawn to the depths of the soul and to the mysteries of life and what lies beyond it. We are willing to be present. To hold hands, massage the feet, listen to the breathing, and wait for the moments of consciousness and the desire or thought whispered from the border between life and death. We can’t handle hours and hours of it. No one can. But we often know especially well when to be present and when to go rest, and how to make it okay that, if the person dies before we see him or her again, there will be no important things left unsaid.

Obviously I have had a recent experience of this—in fact, of an HSP doing this for someone I love and whom I cannot be with. But I have had my own experience at the bedside of others. If you have not had such an experience, it will come, and you will feel your strange, surprising strength. I have tried to explain it here, but can’t really. It is simply part of who most of us are.

Filed Under: Old Comfort Zone Articles

Comments

  1. Linda says

    December 8, 2019 at 7:45 am

    I have sat at the bed side of dear friends , as well as my mother, as they made their transitions. Also stayed at bedside after life has left. I have done final hair styles,nails make-up and tho very painful ,I would never trade the experience.

    Reply
  2. Vickie says

    March 28, 2021 at 1:58 pm

    I did this for my father, mother, aunt and uncle. So hard, but I was able to do this when my sister could not.

    Reply
  3. Teresa says

    June 4, 2021 at 12:37 am

    I got a call sometime ago it’s been a few years now. It was a cousin I haven’t spoken to for many years. Sadly our family is not real close my aunt was in the hospital. My parents live out of state and because of weather could not make it. I was asked if I could go and be there with her. I did and spoke with my dad in route about the situation. Arrangements were made so that she can speak with my parents villa FaceTime over the iPad screen. This was very good for everyone present. She got to talk with her brother and other family members. Some left and took a break, because of her condition I stayed trying to comfort her just by holding her hand or rubbing her feet or her legs. She was in pain and suffering and was dying. No one should die alone. A nurse came in after a few hours and said she was resting and that I could go home. I had a feeling that I wouldn’t see her again alive. The next morning I called and learned that her son and grandson had come back to be with her and they were with her during her last few moments. I was relieved to hear that.
    Even though I did not know well, I know that my parents especially my dad was glad that I was there representing him. He is one that has difficulties with these types of life situations.
    I am glad that I could be with her, and help the family.

    Reply
  4. Lou Reynolds says

    February 19, 2023 at 11:53 am

    Oh my goodness. I am just discovering I am an hsp so I feel like I am having loads of light bulb moments where I realise I understand myself better. This happened to me two years ago at the side of my Grandmother, who was the only person other than my mum, who had been there all the way through my childhood. I traveled from Scotland to visit her and she died just in the short visit. She wasn’t expected to die at this point. I felt very lucky I had been there to be with her. I had no question I wanted to be with her in hospital as she died, I couldn’t imagine not being there. My mum and I shared our last words before she went unconscious but she didn’t die for another 20 hours. I sat with my grandmother holding her hand and for some reason felt that singing was what was needed. My grandmother had loved music and the opera and I had got this love from her, so I sang to her. It felt very special.
    I did however struggle in the night when my mum left me with her and she started to foam at the mouth, as she was dieing from Pneumonia and i sensed she was uncomfortable and no-one came to help. I found this very distressing. We managed to make her more comfortable and my mum returned. She passed away peacefully with her two children just after I had left the room to go and get a cup of tea. This article was reassuring that we make it ok for them to then pass away without us.

    Reply

Share Your Comments & Feedback: Cancel reply

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. All comments are moderated before posting, so please be patient.

The purpose of these comments is to share your experiences and support each other as HSPs. Elaine is busy these days with her research and writing, and usually doesn’t have time to reply, but she invites and appreciates all of your thoughts, feedback, support, and conversation.

If you disagree, please be respectful. Avoid harsh language or negative assumptions about motivations or character. Focus on facts, ideas and - most of all - compassion.

If you have other correspondence, please use the links under the "How to Reach Us" tab.

 

Some HTML tags allowed: <strong>, <em>, <del>, etc.

Recent Posts

  • Last of the 2022 Research
  • Research from 2022 on High Sensitivity
  • Research: High Sensitivity Wrongly Identified with Narcissism, Plus Studies on Parenting Applied to Managing and Caregiving
  • More HSP Research

Posts by Category

Announcing our newest book
The Highly Sensitive Parent

HSP Parent

New 25th Anniversary Edition
The Highly Sensitive Person

HSP 25th Anniversary Edition

Announcing the release of our documentary Sensitive Lovers: A Deeper Look into their Relationships

In this documentary, Art Aron (well-known love researcher) and Elaine Aron provide the science and advice behind the film Sensitive and in Love. Learn more about Sensitive Lovers here.

Sensitive and In Love

A feature film, focuses on what perhaps matters most: how high sensitivity affects your relationships with loved ones. Learn more and purchase the Sensitive and In Love here.

Sensitive: The Untold Story

Rent or purchase Sensitive: The Untold Story here.

Search

Subscribe

Sign up for The Comfort Zone
for updates and announcements about events, book releases, blog posts and other news of interest to the HSP community. We will not share your information with anyone else.

CLICK HERE to join our mailing list.

About this Blog

The quarterly Comfort Zone ended in 2014, partly to give Elaine more time to write, but also because a blog seemed more up-to-date and flexible, allowing her to write new posts based on the interests of readers. If you've signed up for her list, you will be notified when she has posted anything new. Comments: While she will not answer every comment, she will read them all and, again, may be inspired by some comments to write another blog post. You will also receive emails of any important announcement rather than these showing up only in the quarterly issue. Old Comfort Zones: The many emailed Comfort Zones are still very timely. To make full use of the extensive Comfort Zone archives, the Comfort Zone section has a Google search that will find old Comfort Zone issues as well as topics in the blog posts.

The Original Book

The Highly Sensitive Person book cover

A general introduction and covers every aspect of an HSP's life. Worldwide bestseller. Translated into 32 languages. With an Author's Note summarizing the latest research.

More Books by Elaine Aron...

Connect with Us

For questions, problems, or feedback, go here and choose the email address that fits your needs.

Copyright © 2023 Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D. — All rights reserved.