I have a gift for you. I found it while reading and listening to Ken Wilber, a brilliant philosopher-psychologist-spiritual-teacher guy who has developed something called “integral psychology,” a theory that summarizes years of research by others on human development. I like a lot of it—not all of course. But central to integral theory is that there are “stages” through which we develop as children (having only our own perspective, then the ability to see another’s, then a group’s, and then “objectively”). Further stages are possible for adults. Cultures go through them too.
I know—what gift is this? Think of these first paragraphs as the gift wrapping.
Wilber calls moving through these stages “growing up,” and sees the ones you may or may not develop in adulthood as especially valuable. He describes two other dimensions on which humans can develop. There’s “waking up,” the hierarchy of states of consciousness found in every “mystical” tradition. And there’s a third necessity for higher human development, “cleaning up” (the “shadow,” complexes, the effect of traumas, etc.). Wilber really is interesting, I think especially to an HSP, but oh so wordy! One way to get his ideas is to listen to a Sounds True recording called “The Future of Spirituality”. I listened to it while driving. Or you can watch an interview with him on Buddha at the Gas Pump.
The Simple Gift
Anyway, while my 13-year-old grandson and I were listening to Wilber and discussing his stages, my grandson wanted to know how we could move faster through these stages. After later listening for several hours more on my own, I finally heard the interviewer ask Wilber our question and he tossed out the simple, brilliant answer: “See things from the other’s perspective.”
I instantly saw how valuable this could be. He means that this is how you expand your mind, your consciousness, your understanding, your morals. It’s also key to maintaining close relationships, being successful at whatever your work, raising children, and just learning. All of it.
The interviewer did not follow up. (I know the interviewer, who has told me she is not an HSP.) I’m sure my recognition of its potential came from my high sensitivity, so I hope it will come as a gift to you too.
Taking the other’s perspective does not require feeling compassion, although it can lead to it. I suppose you could use it to devise the ideal revenge or crime! I don’t think you will, but if someone has angered you or hurt you in some way, you do not have to decide they are right, but taking their perspective can take the sting out of it. “That’s just one person’s view.”
Looking At the Nice Details
Perspective starts literally with trying to see through the other’s eyes. What are they perceiving—seeing, hearing, smelling even. What are they doing? I did this at a Christmas concert the other night, hearing religious music from the Middle Ages and Renaissance, exquisitely sung by a professional chorus. First, I realized I was near the front and they were seeing me, my face expressionless, so I started smiling. I really appreciated their effort and skill, even letting their work flow through my heart. But it was not a spiritual experience, as I had expected. It did not seem to be for them either.
Given the bit of what I knew about this chorus, I suspected that most of them were probably somewhat spiritual, but given their education levels, also probably did not take scripture completely literally. That is, maybe they did not totally believe Jesus was born of a virgin or angels sang to the shepherds, as the composers of those songs had. The chorus was singing in a church, but the audience was not a congregation or necessarily even Christian. The chorus saw people here for their performance, almost like an event in a museum. Hence something was there more than in most churches—an incredible performance–but something was missing too. And then I understood my own response. (No more beating myself up for my lack of whatever.)
YOU CAN BE WRONG. I see perspective taking to be a result of a combination of your imagination and your awareness as an HSP of subtle signs in the person (or group, or even a country) and, if the person is actually there, in your shared environment. Then with that depth of processing you find yourself forming further impressions—hypothesis you continue to check if you are further interested. Again, you can be wrong. Slave owners sometimes thought their slaves were happy. But almost certainly you will know more of the other’s perspective than if you don’t try it.
Toying With Your Gift
Perspective taking can be fun, too. I was hiking down a steep road on a brisk morning and a young woman was coming towards me on a bright yellow mountain bike. She smiles and says an exuberant hello. Okay, what’s her perspective? A lot of uphill ahead. Ruts and rocks to watch for. A blue sky above that. An older couple hiking. Riding an expensive bike in a wealthy area. A cheerful type, in a very good mood, and seeing us, she overflowed in this cheerful hello. At least today, life is good for her. That’s all. I hike on. But it added a little to my day. I don’t mountain bike, but I enjoyed it through her sparkling experience.
How can you as an HSP make use of this gift? Well, it really is fun to do when you are bored, puzzled, or getting tired on a hike! It’s useful in almost any interpersonal situation. But I like Wilber’s reason for perspective taking. It can speed up your growth through the advanced stages he sees as so critical to human survival. You already have this innate ability through your depth of processing. But why not exercise it more as a daily practice of taking another’s perspective? And did I say this yet? You will also make a huge contribution to the world. All these divisions and dislikes—you can see both sides. Imagine 20% of the population “growing up” by doing that and leading the rest?
Enjoy your gift.
Well, I believed that taking another’s perspective is something we, HSPs are already doing naturally, I mean I am doing this by default, it is who I am, one of HSP’s personality traits, isn’t it? Or maybe is just me ? Doing it more wouldn’t add more stress to daily life?
I also do this by default, I can remember the first time when I was a child. I have trouble with stopping when I know that I should be thinking from only my own perspective, so I can get a rest. So glad I read this, I feel it will be easier for me now. Thanks.
Karen, I think it may well be a hsp personality trait. I do feel though that there is a danger/potential of overdoing it. If boundary setting and policing are not strong, the taking their perspective can make some objectionable behaviour seem explainable. That çan lead us away from making an assertive response, and to too much doubtful introspection. I am only now at 52 coming to the realisation that I don’t have to analyse what people do and say around me to understand my place. But I wouldn’t be without it. Perspective taking is what makes people watching so fascinating and seems to be the foundation of my empathy.
Thank you Elaine for all of your insights, they help more than you know.
Now that I’ve read the article, I realize that I had been doing so all my life – unconsciously though.
This article is a great gift for me in that I can now understand this “sleeping” skill and use it consciously.
Singing is always a spiritual experience for me. I feel a wonderful energy flow through me.
Seeing things from other people’s perspectives has made me take on more burdens than I should. I’m now working on this one.
My younger brother is a narcissist & his wife is an extreme narcissist. She has brought out the worst in him. How does trying to see things from his perspective help me to grow? Wouldn’t trying to feel what he feels be a horrible experience for me? (I’m the only HSP in the family.)
Karen, I understand your hesitation when it comes to understanding your narcissistic brother’s perspective. Due to high levels of empathy, it’s hard for us HSPs to make a distinction between understanding how someone else might feel vs. feeling it ourselves. But I would argue that tackling just that challenge alone is a huge opportunity for growth.
I was married to an abusive, hardcore drug abuser with BPD (a ”victim” type narcissist). He’d had severe trauma in his childhood, and this resonated with my own past. I spent a lot of time feeling his feelings, and that absolutely was destructive.
However, I eventually realized something very important – I wasn’t really seeing things from his perspective by doing this. I was filtering his feelings through my perspective, which is part of that frustrating difficulty that a lot of HSPs have with separating our own feelings from other people’s.
By failing to look at it from HIS perspective, I was giving him a lot more leeway than I should have, and I allowed my compassion for him to supersede the compassion I should have had for myself.
The first requirement in looking at things from someone else’s perspective is that you accept that it is not the same as yours, no matter how familiar it seems to be. When I took a step outside myself and looked JUST at him, I saw a very damaged person who was not capable of being loved or helped by anyone for the simple fact that – unlike me – he didn’t want to or believe he was capable of being loved or helped. So what did he want? Someone to take care of him so he didn’t have to get better. Someone to provide his physical and emotional needs for him. Someone to use.
Did I still have compassion for him? Absolutely. But I no longer believed that this compassion or any amount of love would help him. On the contrary, it was enabling him and using up all my mental and emotional energy for nothing. That helped me get out and move on. It helped me set better boundaries. It showed me where I was most vulnerable and what emotional pain I had inside myself that needed healing. It showed me that he was a symptom of a deeper problem that I could never fix through him. I’ve grown more from learning to understand his perspective than I could ever have imagined.
Remember, seeing and understanding things is not the same as agreeing or feeling the same way. The key lesson here is in objectivity, the ability to set aside your own baggage and understanding to look at what someone else truly believes and who they truly are, free from your assumptions and expectations.
And by the way, yes, it still may involve feeling “horrible” in the short term, but there are very few truly valuable lessons in life that feel great in the moment. This is one that made me feel purely miserable for a long time, but ultimately allowed me to feel much better and understand more about myself and others than I ever had before we met. Growth is painful, but you do it for the peace you gain in the future.
Jen, so glad you responded; it was very helpful to me. The experiences you wrote about put the idea in proper perspective for me. I’ve read your response twice. Gonna read it again.
Jen, I have read this twice and now saved it to reread later. We have an untenable situation in my family that I feel lousy about, but your words have made me think I might be carrying too much burden of guilt by keeping distance. It’s heartbreaking to learn that some things may never get fixed and that people may never find the self awareness to heal their pain.
Seeing things from another’s perspective doesn’t mean we become co-dependent, take on their pain, drama, etc. Having healthy boundaries is a huge challenge of many HSPs I know (moi’). Many HSPs I know are also empaths.
A few years ago, when I first learned about HSPs, I felt ‘at home’! I felt a similar sense of ‘being seen’ when I read The Introvert’s Way. “We didn’t know you were an introvert, we just thought you were a bitch”. (My sad childhood explained in one sentence!) Now, watching Atypical series on Netflix, I identify somewhat with high-functioning ASD.
Are HSPs really only 20% of humanity? In some ways, it seems humanity is becoming more aware/perceptive/sensitive collectively.
Thank God. for the blessed Lord Christ Emmanuel, and his simple Golden Rule.
Unrelated to this particular post – I’m sorry – but can someone please recommend a good, active forum for HSPs? I won’t use a Facebook forum as I believe you have to fully identify yourself and I’d rather not. Many thanks in advance.
I’ve looked at myself through others eyes and always trying to fix me to fit others perspectives. Now at the age of 60ish, I’m learning that “being me” is OK. I still look at life with others perspectives taken into consideration, but I don’t have to consistently “fix” myself. I am OK.
same place here Tonda. Just came across this info and I felt oh my! it looks like I found I have a flick after all…at 58… Betty
sorry for the writing mistakes that’s me 🙏
Glad you found Integral Theory and Wilbur, Elaine! He is a fascinating guy and one of the best thinkers of our time spanning many disciplines. I can agree that learning to take the other’s perspective does jar us out of the comfortable, yet narrow, inner experiences we spend so much time on. Coming to appreciate that our perspective is but one helps keep us from becoming too sociocentric in our thinking and doing.
Hi Elaine,
I believe you would be interested in the work of Jean Gebser. He is the philosopher behind Wilber’s idea of ‘stages of consciousness.’ He has great insight into what the Integral consciousness structure looks like in practice. The language is difficult, but rewarding.
Thanks,
Will
I wonder if anyone might comment on intimacy avoidance among HSPs. The couple of HSPs that I have interacted act with avoided intimacy, I believe, due to their sensitive natures. I found them cold, incommunicative, and unsupportive friends and partners, perhaps due to their feeling overwhelmed by their emotions. Although they may have felt something different, their behaviors did not indicate that they were empathetic or attentive to their friends’ or partners’ needs despite a non-judgmental and less than normal level of pressure from their friends and/or partners. I also did not find them self-aware of the reasons for their behaviors due to their avoidance of emotions.
Heather,
I would be….happy? to comment. I have always felt out of place, I thought because I have white parents, grew up in a white community but am an Asian female. I had been told and experienced for real, that growing up american, I would never be accepted by asians, at the same time I was told I would never truly be accepted by white people. Additionally, I was told I was a cold, distant, painfully shy child and later a selfish teenager (there were also some of the other more positive terms used, like old soul and intuitive, just a lot less often or in direct relationship to something I said or did, rather than general statements on who I was). Later, I discovered I also wasn’t even a real member of my family, because I was adopted. All of this information came to me as a child and from nuclear family members. Add to that continuos parent-child reversal of roles, starting at age 5, non-stop narcissistic (the vulnerable kind) abuse mixed in with some old fashioned physical and verbal abuse (one happened at one home, the other at the other parent’s home, leaving me with no safe home), having a parent abused to the point of in-home hospital beds and visits from hospice, told constantly what a burden kids are, being abandoned at day one, only to continue to have people abandon you over and over and over, but only after they’ve used as much of you as possible. This is just some of the childhood trauma. Things continued to go downhill for me because I constantly allowed myself to believe in people, had no clue that I had any autonomy in my own life or over my own feelings, no boundries. I wanted to die, I hated myself so much, I tried and failed a few times, which of course made me hate myself even more because now I was a stupid failure. At some point along the way I was tired of feeling, so I denied, swallowed and covered up all of my feelings. Then I became exactly how you described after you got below my surface. On the surface, I was fun and carefree and would go along with anything, but once you expected or wanted more I was out of there or unavailable. If making people reject me was the only way out, then you saw that behaviour you describe become even worse. If I could just walk away (my preference), then I would. This was done so the real me wouldn’t be rejected, which I was (and am still) convinced beyond any doubt, will happen. I have finally reached a point that I am tired of feeling so alone, isolated, afraid and anxious that I have been seeking help to be normal. I can’t tell you how disturbing it is to have my psychiatrist lead me to this place by making me think about my damn feelings. I had really believed I was exactly the person you describe, especially because some of those terms are still used by people to describe me today. I was happy to be that person (I thought) because that person wasn’t and couldn’t be really hurt by anything anyone else felt or thought about her, because she didn’t care. I really just thought it was the traumas that worked together to create this hard, unbreakable person and when people heard just a fraction, they started excusing my behaviour. I can’t speak for all of the other HSPs you’ve met that have displayed the behaviours you describe, I can just tell you that I behaved that way because all I knew was abuse and rejection, especially if I showed any vulnerability and most especially from the people I loved, the people I cared about, the people who were supposed to love and care for and about me, the second I gained full autonomy of my life I promised myself I would never allow myself to be a victim. The only way to do that was to deny all feelings that might open a door to feeling bad about myself and the only way to do that is to keep people as far away as you can and behaving badly is a good way to accomplish that. After all, you already hate yourself so feeling other people hate you is the same thing, it just saves you the trouble of having to personally have the emotions. I don’t expect all of the mean HSPs you’ve met experienced trauma to the same degree, but I would expect at some point before you met them, they experienced something that made them very strongly want to deny this part of themselves (probably being told over and over they were too emotional or sensitive) or they are trying so hard to be “normal” they are overshooting their goal.
All of the above is so interesting and a bit of a revelation! I have the capacity to spew out all my varied and deep thoughts so I’ll attempt to keep this brief (ish! 🙄😁)
I have always known I was incredibly Sensitive, from being a young child. As I grew older I became aware of the concept of being an empath but this is my first foray into HSP. As for many of us, It has been a huge blessing and equally huge curse. But, as an optimist, I choose to view it as the former over the latter. I also chose to change careers and train as a Behavioural Psychologist (physician heal thyself!!)
I experienced (or perceived) lots of pressure in childhood stuff but all of it came from a loving perspective, however I felt a great weight on my shoulders which I’ve never fully gotten rid of.
Ok so the point is approaching I promise!!
Following a deeply unhappy marriage for 10 years where I was strangled by the emotional silence. I finally found a partner who (whilst completely opposite to me in so many ways) found he was open to talking (something he too had never had chance to do before) and really listening – regularly and deeply.
He can come across as critical and abrasive and I can come across as vague, verbose, conflict avoiding and one who ‘danced around the issue’ for fear of inciting disapproval or damaging the relationship.
So wE came up with an agreement quite early on that if we were feeling unhappy or uncertain about something one would pull the other aside and we would start a conversation with “This May well ‘Come out wrong, but I’m just going to say it’ and it is meant with the best intentions and love…”
And what a breakthrough that was! We could speak freely and candidly without ‘dressing anything up’ we share our own feelings and perspectives but also hear from the other what the actual intention was behind their behaviour or action (well as challenge one another and ask how we could improve or avoid it in future).
I feel like many others that I am naturally inclined to do too much perspective taking and not enough sharing and fact checking. This simple strategy has been of immeasurable help for us. Now I just need to work on the rest of my life!! 🤣
❤❤❤