Being kind yet clear, compassionate yet self-protective, honest yet discreet—it really does require grace. But to be clear: There’s nothing graceful about having no control over your boundaries.
We HSPs like to consider the needs of others and the situation before we pursue our own wishes. “I wonder what the rest of you are needing right now.” Good. If we have an idea, we start by gracefully making it a very tentative observation. “I’ve been noticing that…” “Perhaps we might consider…” Good.
Sometimes, however, we really need someone to get out of our space, pay attention to our observation, or meet a non-negotiable need. If we are not heard, it is important to the well-being of ourselves and others that we turn up the volume. By volume I do not just mean loudness, but increasing clarity in our message, bluntness even. You no longer speak in a roundabout way. Often clarity is all it takes. “I need you to…” If clarity is not enough, you use words that begin to hint at real consequences (“You are going to have to, or…”) and a gaze and posture that says you may, or you do, or you definitely do “mean business.” Getting clear may be as simple a situation as this: You say firmly as your driver is about to turn, “Don’t turn there. I did it earlier and there’s construction. It took me a half hour to get through.” A pretty clear consequence right there. Your stubborn driver thinks this is still the best route and has turned. You pull out a bigger consequence: “I mean it. Turn around. If you go that way, it will be faster for me to walk, and believe me, I will get out and do it.” Or, “…we will be very late, I guarantee it, and I know you do not want that.”
What I like about the metaphor of volume is that volume can be ever so soft or straight out yelling, and anywhere in between. As an HSP you by nature start soft. (But at least remember to look the other person in the eyes rather than looking down or away.) As an example, you might start with, “Gee, I’m getting a bit chilly.” HSPs would immediately offer to turn up the heat. But not everyone hears such words. Then, “Are you feeling a bit cold too?” Fine unless they say “No” and go on with what they are doing. Then you get clear: “Could you please turn up the heat?”
Now you might hear that the other person has very good reason not to. However, what if you have someone just being stubborn, maybe your teenager and you hear back, “I don’t feel like getting up.” Or from the manager of a hotel. “No one else has complained about the heat.” (Yeah, sure—this is about saving money of course.) Now it all depends on the situation, but imagine saying, “Turn up the heat now. No more excuses. If you won’t…” And you have consequences, like “…I’ll check out right now and have my credit card company cancel my payment” (they will do it) “… I look forward to contacting the management.” And there’s always Yelp. You do not have to be obnoxious. Just very firm. You should at least be negotiating at this point, and stand firm in your negotiation too. Hard? Let’s look at it with non-humans.
HSPs, Horses, and Volume
When Alane Fruend and I do our HSPs and Horses workshops, we have learned that with HSPs one of our most important jobs is to work on volume. Horses weigh at least 1000 pounds, so your boundaries have to be clear and you have no choice but to turn up the volume until you get what you need for your own safety. Your preference for being gentle is not an option, at least not until it is clear that you will not stop until you have what you want.
This brings us to the fact that humans, horses, and just about all other social animals engage in both ranking and linking. They have dominance hierarchies, they rank each other; and they link, they have “friends,” which does not involve rank. Both.
HSPs generally want to “link,” connect in a loving way (good, of course), not “rank,” not pushing to be the one in charge. But with some individuals, including horses, ranking must come first. They live in hierarchies (as do we all, whether at work, in a family, or in a social activity such as a sport). Horses don’t necessarily want to be the leader—which is always the “alpha” mare, by the way. Women take note. The stallion, alpha among the bachelors, guards the herd from danger and other stallions, but the lead mare makes the decisions for the group. Yes, the alpha horse in a pasture gets your apple. Nobody else. But the leaders of herds also are the ones in most danger, out there in front when the herd is moving. In particular, horses feel safer when their human leader is decisive, since the human is generally in charge and one wants a good human leader. But if the human is indecisive, the horse takes over. The horse thinks it must do it, to keep you both safe.
Just One Measly Step Back
The HSP’s natural preference for linking is why we have them practice using volume with the horses. It’s a perfect set up. Each HSP stands at one end of an eight-foot lead rope facing a horse, with the other end of the rope attached to the horse’s halter. At first they are told to let the rope sag, so that it rests a bit on the ground between them. Then the HSP is shown how to make the horse back up just one step by adjusting volume. They start with a nice suggestion: “I suggest you back up,” and barely moving the rope with a finger. If there’s no response, they go to asking: “I’m asking you to back up,” and moving the wrist so the horse feels the movement. Nothing could be clearer. If that does not get the horse to step back, they move up to tell: “Back up,” and swinging the rope from the elbow. Now the rope is flapping right in front of the horse’s nose. They don’t like that. It is usually not necessary to go to demand: Shouting “Back up” and swinging the whole arm, lashing the rope up and down in the horse’s face. The equine is never struck, but truly annoyed and feeling dominated. They back up fast.
HSPs really struggle with this activity, showing us vividly what HSPs need to learn. At the start, with a hesitant person and a bored horse, getting the horse to back up may require considerable volume, going past suggest and ask to tell. (Demanding is rarely required, since these horses know this exercise, know what they are supposed to do, and would prefer not to go there). The horse is willing to obey if their HSP means it. But they can feel when their HSP is only halfhearted about it. So the bored horse may be looking around, being clear that it is more interested in what else is going on than attending to this indecisive bother.
Why does it often take a long time for HSPs to get what they want, that single step back by the horse? They explain that they fear they will hurt the horse, the horse will come not to like them, or they just don’t like being so mean, aggressive, or whatever. They just don’t like doing it. Maybe they want to pet the horse and ask it sweetly to back up, which never works unless maybe you have already established your higher rank. Once you do, horses are often immediately cooperative and fond of you as well. And what is the choice, we point out, when the issue is who is in control? You are being ignored, and next the horse may come up and get in your space, so that you are at risk of being stepped on by huge feet, or what if you are being charged by a dangerous horse (not the ones we use)?
You can see the parallels in your own life. You can walk yourself through this exercise (although it is hard to substitute doing it physically with a horse). But next time you have to use your volume, consider whether you are worried that you will hurt someone else’s feelings or that the person will not like you anymore, or you just find asserting yourself distasteful. Impolite. Okay, but if this person pushes you around as if they weighed a thousand pounds, ignoring you or stepping on you, remember you are connected by the invisible rope of your relationship, and flap that thing! You may find that you are both more respected and better liked.
Becoming at Expert at Linking and Ranking in your Human “Herd”
Power means influence, and you have seen people influence either a person or a horse by hitting, yelling, or threatening them; or else by gently teaching and showing the advantage of their way, or by being a leader because of having a reputation for being wise, kind, usually right, or simply a good and trustworthy person. It pays to earn respect the in this more HSP way, by becoming a skillful listener, negotiator, and persuader, at each level of volume (suggest, ask, tell, demand). You can earn that respect, or you may already have it, as many HSPs do, and not know it.
Remember, however, that some people are in ranking mode most of the time (not very nice to be around) and can easily hear politeness as weakness or low rank. They think they can ignore you or talk you into something or push harder and get their way. How do people indicate rank? Mainly, the one higher in rank gets to set the boundaries. They can use your stuff, you can’t use theirs. Tell you what to do, but you can’t tell them anything. Enter your office without knocking; you are not allowed to enter theirs. Sometimes it is as subtle as sitting down in the more comfortable chair or not being on time and then not apologizing.
Of course we all live in hierarchies and we may have a low rank in some of them. But usually with humans, underneath the formal rank, there is an additional sense of informal ranking, the respect or power granted to some more than others. Why not be among the more influential? True, the alpha mare is exposed to risk, but she does it for the greater good. Maybe, like her, your experience and sensitivity means you can see better than others what should be done. So step up in rank, by being forthright, by simply continuing to raise your volume (suggest, ask, tell…and you rarely need demand), expressing your opinion, standing your ground. Demanding may seem too hard, but if you know that you will go to demand if necessary—exactly what you will say and the consequence you would and could impose—you rarely have to go to that demanding level. People, like horses, can sense whether you would.
HSPs often underestimate their power. For example, if you are the best at some difficult task at work, that gives you concrete influence when you ask for something. Use it. “I’d like to work from home more, and if you give me a month at it, I can prove that I can be even more productive.” “Please turn off the radio. Otherwise I cannot solve this problem you just gave me.” If you are low in rank, find a way to move up before you ask for things. Just the fact you are an HSP is not enough. It is not a disability so do not give that impression. As you can, demonstrate that it is a benefit to the organization.
Grace Again
You see graceful boundaries with the best horse trainers. They make it look easy. Horse and trainer come to be of one mind. It is not all about dominance. Horses, like HSPs, can notice things most humans miss. Good horse people respect this and pay attention to a horse’s natural sensitivity when the animal signals being over stimulated, in pain, hesitant, cautious, anxious, or just that something’s coming (long before the human knows). Similarly, good people generally can learn to pay attention to HSPs when they signal something, whether a warning or an opportunity, that others need to know.
Reaching an easy understanding about each other’s boundaries is not as difficult as it sounds, once you establish yourself as deserving respect for your sensitivity. A lot of it is feeling you deserve respect, and not messing around with those who cannot see that. If you are a skilled and sensitive horse trainer, and you have just a plain mean horse to deal with, you don’t take it on. You don’t try to dominate it. You might watch closely to try to understand the meanness. Maybe it has to do with past abuse. But if that fails, you just walk away. If it’s a plain mean human, do the same.
This article was insightful for me in terms of my teenagers. One is definitely a “ranker” and he often gives me a hard time for my “niceness.” One may just be “mean.” Boundaries mean nothing to him, no matter how often I affirm them or what volume I use. My third is more like me in terms of niceness, but without the HSP-ness. This article has given me new ideas of how to respond to and work with each of my teens’ type, which will hopefully result in more peace for me and thus, the household.
So me! …
I need to learn a different way to set clear boundaries. I tend to tentatively “fire a warning shot over people’s bows” first but most people don’t seem to get it. The volume then does indeed get turned up but again most don’t seem to notice – the third one either tends to be almost aggressive or even brutal leaving everyone confused or thinking I’m downright rude at times… including my feeling bad about myself.
I often feel like I’ve a sign on my forehead saying “treat me with disrespect- I’ll take it!” …
but in reality I won’t.
Martin
Ese letrero puede estar en tu frente, y lo ponemos cuando seguimos siendo amables con quien no lo merece o no comprende esa amabilidad.
I disagree with the subtle hinting or suggesting part of this article. This passive tactic can come across very poorly, and it contributes to the problem many women have with being assertive. Instead of saying “Gee, I’m getting a bit chilly,” which a simple statement of fact, or “Aren’t you cold, too?”, which won’t necessarily lead to the desired outcome (maybe the other person isn’t cold or even a bit warm), it is better to say, “I’m cold. Can you lend me a sweater or turn up the heat?” which is a polite request.
Exacto. No debemos insinuar debemos informar. Pues el otro no es PAS y no acertará a adivinar nuestro frio.
I agree with this to the extent that most people don’t respond well at all to your niceness . They often see it as an invitation to come at you too if they are not another empath or hsp I find they see it as a challenge to overcome what you want and do what they want . Yesterday I had been treated with Botox I get it mostly for pain to treat for dystonia . I went twice to the doctors office to get her to go into this one area that made me feel a lot of pain.. ( she has known me for more than a decade and she knew that I needed the areas done she had been doing this for years and not treated me badly until I asked her for help telling me about my high cortisol when my husband was around me ))
she used to always do ( the injections ) it right . Since finding out I was dealing with some domestic abuse she began treating me badly .. she took hundreds of dollars from me and won’t put the medicine in the area ( I wrote over it with a pen ) the last time she avoided it by using it all up and then got to the area I said caused me the most pain and only put air in that area / yesterday she pulled the skin up away from the muscle and then injected it sideways into the skin only totally avoiding the muscle . Then she wanted us to pay her . Again ,,; why she saw me as this person. That she could do whatever she wanted to me . I don’t know I told her that it was a pain area I wrote in the spot I told her exactly what I needed done assertively . She just is not ever going to do what I ask of her . When she sees this area got worse since I was there last time she knows I know that it didn’t work. So we both know that she is making sure I don’t get the pain relief in those muscles and it has gotten worse . She said let me just pull the skin up and she had put it in before I could react . When you come across someone that is so controlling and wants to get in on the fun of abuse I mean I’m seeing a lot of “ normal “ people when they find out you are asking for help with your relationship and abuse that you expect them to care . She did the exact opposite. She judges and demeans me of course I am not going back ,, but she is using her position absolutely to cause me harm either by omission or commission . What should I do with this and how am I supposed to handle myself when stuck in those situations to being with?? How do I get someone that has the scissors if you are getting a haircut or the medicine or lip injections whatever it is how do I get them to not do the exact opposite of what I am looking to get done
Hi, Myte –
The experience with your botox person sounds like an upsetting experience, AND, you have recognized that someone close to you is not worthy of your trust. For me, this is where I appreciate that and walk away. There are people out there you will be able to trust — the more you say no to those you can’t, the more you make room in your life for those you can. And, may I also say that if you are experiencing domestic abuse, get therapy, get support, get out! You deserve better.
Hi, “Something” –
Actually, this may be a cultural thing that our capacity for sensitivity can attune us to. For instance, as an American spending a lot of time in the UK, I’ve often been impressed by how effective the sort of subtlety Elaine mentions is. I now notice it sometimes among certain of my US circles, but saw it really clearly for the first time in the UK…p
I’m from Italy and I find that the UK is much more suitable for an HSP, that’s why I’ve been living here for 15 years and I carry on staying, despite all the amazing things that I miss from home.
I find the horse metaphor brilliant! I used the word “suggest” today with Mr. Rude and Bossy, with clear assertiveness that I was not willing to tolerate his tone and speech to me. It helped. We were in an informal group setting and Voila! He backed up. The word “suggest’ used with my clear tone and body language showed I was determined to receive appropriate behavior.
Hi, I am a hsp, and it kinda sucks to be one. So, I don’t tell people that I am one, so I pretend like I am like the others. I am a young teenager, and being one kinda sucks since you feel so different. Any advice?
Embrace the advantages! It’s worth the effort. You already feel different than most (that’s what happens when you’re part of only 15%-20% of something) and younger people in particular often want/need to feel a part of the/a group. You naturally pull for something deeper than “membership.” You can silently (for now) use your depth of processing, noticing what others don’t to good ends. Learn about it. Consider it growing pains.
I agree. Accept who you are and learn to love it and the wonderful gifts of it will unfold for you. And you also need to learn to respect yourself and take care of yourself as an HSP. No need to tell anyone. You just be you! Wonderful you!
Tiffany, I understand your comments. I too felt out-of-place during my teenage years. My mom gave me sound advice (although at the time I felt like her messages were a slap in the face!).
1. When I cried over being hurt by others’ comments, she replied, “You’re going to get hurt because you wear your heart on your sleeve.”
2. When I lamented about my lack of friends, she stated, “If you have ONE good friend whom you can count on thru the very worst times that will occur during your lifetime (i.e. divorce, death of your child, bankruptcy, losing your home, etc.), count yourself lucky because most people go through life without ever investing in another person to build that true friendship. As time passes, you will meet many people; if one of these is worthy of true friendship, that’s the person to invest in.” And finally…
3. When I expressed my sadness at feeling so different from family, school peers and friends, Mom said, “If everyone in the world was just like you, the world would be a dull place.”
I was absolutely deflated when she made these comments to me; however, once I looked past what I thought was “Being judged inadequate, I slowly began to see Mom was actually trying to help me understand myself and get to a point where I could BE different and thrive in my own life.
I hope this wisdom from my non-HSP mom can be of some help to you.
Hi! I have been searching for a hsp teenager like me for a long time. A few days ago i found this blog so i started reading comments to see if someone looked like a teenager or something. I’m actually spanish but i love languages so much that i would learn everyone. And English is my favourite for sure. Anyway, i would like to contact with you, and if you know someone hsp like us, please let me know. I would really love to speak with people like me, and if it’s possible around my age. My name is Beatriz (well but call me Bea) and i’m 16
Hi! I have been searching for a hsp teenager like me for a long time. A few days ago i found this blog so i started reading comments to see if someone looked like a teenager or something. I’m actually spanish but i love languages so much that i would learn everyone. And English is my favourite for sure. Anyway, i would like to contact with you, and if you know someone hsp like us, please let me know. I would really love to speak with people like me, and if it’s possible around my age. My name is Beatriz (well but call me Bea) and i’m 16
You are right, it does kind of suck. I am a grandmother now, and only recently found out I was an HSP. As you read up on the subject, it will comfort you quite a bit to learn that it is more like being gifted than anything else I can think of, but that does not take away the ‘otherness’ feeling. And as a teen, being ‘other’ is difficult.
I have an HSP daughter who is pretty angry at me because she is so empathic about how I feel about things, and I have the problem of speaking about my feelings ‘too much’. However, if you can find friends who are similar, you will find it easier to accept yourself. You will see you are not alone, and learn to treasure your sensitive and creative nature. And, if you find a kindred spirit who you sense is also troubled by their sensitivity, you can help them to accept and understand themselves and be kind of a leader. Pour yourself into learning about the traits, how special they and you are, and if you have creative pursuits, focus on them too. Good luck. You will learn to be strong and love yourself, you just need to be patient – a gift in itself.
Hun Angel, I think it might be good to educate your friends about hsp’s, it will also help them understand your mood changes, an unpredictable actions.. hope I’m right I’m assuming you get these reactions too.. There is nothing Weird about you, But INTENSE FEELINGS and reactions to things which Are your direct guides for you to TRUST YOURSELF! At any given time, Irregardless of what it might look like to others. You are Soooo Amazing! And can do a Lot of GOOD WITH YOUR SKILLS. GO FOR IT! Remember to touch base and let us know how your getting on. X
Tiffany, you are so lucky to find out you are HSP at your age. I wish I had. I’m now 66. Now you know why you’ll probably prefer to go to small clubs to listen to music instead of huge concerts blasting music to thousands of people! You’ll be able to explain to your date why a week in a house with his -or her – 25 family members, aged 1month to 95 really isn’t your idea of a vacation! And that you prefer a remote cabin instead… or you want to spend it alone – with no Wifi or tv. You get my drift. Lucky you. You know so much more about yourself! And knowledge is power. Congratulations!
It’s good that you know who you are and then you will be able to understand yourself better. That is encouraging.
This is really useful, and the analogy is very clear.
This article spoke volumes to me. This concept made me reflect on past and current friendships/relationships where I failed to assert myself in a way that was receptive to the other party, And that allowed them to think that they ranked up on me and didn’t have to respect my boundaries. I’m not a big fan of conflict and I often find myself going against my beliefs and not demanding the respect I know I deserve solely to avoid complications. Now reflecting on all the times I didn’t stand my ground, I realize that I set the tone and allowed people to think that that can over power me in many situations. I’m just now discovering today that I am a HSE, and this website has really shed some light on the difficulties I face in my relationships with people and the relationship that I have with myself. I have a whole new understanding within myself why I am the way I am. I can’t wait to start applying the things I’ve learned to my day to day life.
@Tiffany L
I can relate to your experience. When I was a teenager, I used to bemoan my sensitivity and introversion as a curse. Now I’m middle-aged – in my 40s – I regard my high sensitivity as a blessing.
We are more compassionate, have greater levels of empathy and excel in both creative fields such as art, music and literature. If you’re an introvert as well remember that some of the greatest scientific minds such as Sir Issac Newton, Gottfried Leibniz and Albert Einstein were introverts.
There is lots of research being conducted into psychological wiring of HSPs and introverts because the two overlap. Dr. Elaine Aron’s work is a good place to start and I’d recommend Susan Cain’s book Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.
I hope to get to this place of acceptance; I’ve mostly accepted myself but I also have many moments I hate my sensitivity. I am in a medical school where it can be difficult to be heard and taking one’s time is often not an option (There’s pushing around mostly by the faculty and administration). I know I have so much potential but I often want the easier option. I know however that if I give up this opportunity, I will forever regret it.
This website is a great resource. And if you haven’t already, you may want to look into Judith Orloff’s work. As a highly sensitive and intuitive person in the field of medicine (psychiatry), she has insights you may appreciate. She has several books and a website.
this is me to the T. I was thinking about this…. reading all the beautiful articles. This is how I was growing up. I felt ‘weird’; felt out of place, I wasn’t popular…… kids picked on me. Years later, now… i look back on it .. all because I am an HSP and I am sure others were like that as well. We put on a mask to fit in, most of us do, I never did.
Now I am more confident , but I always care and worry about others. I put them first. Then take care of myself. Thank you for this beautiful website and blog.
I absolutely love these articles. Thank you so much. I’m new to the term HSP, but I recognise so much, especially in my daughter. It’s a feast of recognition. But have one question, in these articles I read lots of things that I could link with ‘introverts’, e.g. wanting ‘rest’ from social activities and/or more investing in a few deep friendship(s) as opposed to just going along with about everyone. How is HSP different from begin introvert? I consider myself extrovert and my daughter is a strong willed child, so we try to make the puzzle.
Does anyone know of work that’s been done on HSPs and aging and or HSPs and caregiving, especially when someone lives in an institution or community?
Thanks,
Terri
It’s looking very “people-y” out there. (sigh)
I’m just now learning that I’m an HSP. To be honest, it’s great to put a “diagnosis” to my problems. I’ve been working with a therapist for what we perceive to be social anxiety. Of course I have social anxiety, but I wanted to get to the root of my social anxiety and I think being an HSP is the ticket! I’m sure I’ll have to do more research, but for now, I’m feeling a bit relieved.
Having said that, I have no clue how to navigate this yet. Definitely not seeing it as a gift.
Hello Buzzin Bunny,
Maybe it helps you to read my comment. See right below yours.
Best regards,
Afke Kerkhoven
Hello Elaine Aron, hello all who read this message,
My name is Afke Kerkhoven. I live in The Netherlands. At this moment I am 39 years old.
Since I was a child, I was not aware of my boundaries. I could not feel the power in me that I was on the earth. My legs and feet often felt cold. I could feel a lot of (hidden) emotions of others, and most of these I thought it was mine and I felt responsible for these.
I also felt desperate that I could not solve this by myself. I often felt tired and very sad.
Now…. I know that I am only responsible for myself, and when I solve my shortcomings, only then the world can change too.
Now…. I more and more recognise the personal boundaries. Now I can feel the power in me, and through my legs and feet.
Now…. I know the coldness in my body was karma that I had to solve.
THE ONLY WAY that Truly helped me to reach what I know and feel Now, and still continues helping me, is by practicing Falun Dafa.
Self-improvement for both mind and body. Teached by Li Hongzhi.
FREE OF CHARGE
At the same time Valuable. Only reachable with a righteous heart.
Cultivating by a True Way.
Based on the highest qualities of the universe: Zhen Shan Ren. Thruthfulness Compassion Forbearance.
By cultivating myself, I have gone through many anxieties in relatively short time, and resolved karma.
My mind becomes more and more clear by studying the Fa.
My body becomes more and more powerful by doing the 5 exercizes of Falun Dafa. Also known as Falun Gong.
This is my sharing, perhaps it will support others as well.
All information about Falun Dafa is available free of charge. For more information, please visit
http://www.falundafa.org
http://www.en.minghui.org
Thank you for reading, and to give me the opportunity to tell my story.
All the best for all of us,
Afke Kerkhoven
Thank you for this. Every word of this, towards the end, was valuable to me. I’ve actually screenshotted it and saved it as notes to reread later.
Recently I managed to successfully set a boundary with someone who had been mistaking niceness for incompetence. I modelled what I wanted, quite insistently (“kill them with kindness”, a technique I’d never understood before), and they backed off.
You even gave me confidence that I’d dealt the correct way with another coworker, who responded to kindness with aggression, and to boundary-setting with more aggression. In the end, greyrocking (not taking that person on) was the thing I did, and they got themselves let go.
I’m currently struggling with someone I’m worried about in my new job, who interacts with me in a strange way. I think I will not take them on, either.
Thank you so much. Seriously. I’ve felt my whole life that there was something wrong with me for seeing things so clearly, for needing a rulebook for social dynamics others didn’t seem to know existed, and for reacting to subtle vibes that were hard to explain to others.
You’re coming from where I’m at, you’re validating what I’m doing, and you’re telling me how to do even better.
I’m so glad you’re here.
What a great piece. I really liked the “suggest, ask, tell, demand” and the volume piece of it. Some people start with telling and demanding and these are the ones that I have found very hard to deal with in the past. But through trial and lots of error, I have learned about asserting myself. But the volume piece is another nuance to think about it. And it’s definitely true that people who are in ranking mode often think that politeness is weakness.