Although this is mainly from me to highly sensitive men, I encourage all HSPs to read it, to help the men make their way to Scotts Valley (between Santa Cruz and Silicon Valley) for the first annual (I hope) Highly Sensitive Men’s Weekend, March 13-15, in this the Year of the Highly Sensitive Man–partly in honor of Ted Zeff, the first to write for sensitive men and boys, who died last year.
Okay. Let’s get real. Registrations as of today—15! Are you kidding me?
I have dreamed of seeing this weekend happen for years, as I have met and often talked at length with many highly sensitive men. Maybe from the start I have been, well, fond of them. Most have struggled because of their sensitivity in a world that largely disregards sensitivity in men, so I especially appreciate their heroics. In my dream of this weekend, there were 100 men there at least. Dream on, Elaine!
No, I am going to take action. I decided to write this blog as a dialogue with one of you. Here goes.
ME: So I understand that you have not yet planned to go to the weekend in Santa Cruz.
HS MAN: That’s right. Too expensive.
ME: It’s true 1440 Multiversity is not cheap, but they really try to keep it reasonable, and it is a beautiful place with good food and kind people. Still, you have travel expenses and maybe you must lose time at work.
HS MAN: Exactly.
ME: But let me ask you this—if this would change your life, would it still be too expensive for your budget?
HS MAN: If it changed my life. How do I know I would like the speakers?
ME: You are the real speaker, you and the other men. The goal is for you to see and be seen by other highly sensitive men, so that collectively you feel validated and empowered. There will be break out groups, pairs, and plenty of free time to socialize.
HS MAN: It sounds just terrible. I’m an introvert.
ME: Really? For just one weekend, to be just with other HS men? Even introverts need validation. And introverts like deep one-on-one conversations. Actually, all HSPs prefer their conversations to be deep, meaningful. You can’t miss with only HSPs to talk with.
HS MAN: It’s still going to be way too overstimulating.
ME: Yes, probably so. You will have to practice self-care and admit when you need to miss out on something in order to get some downtime. Try to plan some time before and after the weekend for that, time to reflect. But I’m sure there are times you have chosen to be overstimulated in order to do something important to you.
HS MAN: Yeah. But a weekend is a lot about the leaders. Who are these guys?
ME: I’m just one of the guys. I will give a keynote address sort of, the only woman who will be there. About the others, look for yourself. Search for Tracy Cooper Ph.D. and John Hughes Gnu Talent. You will be impressed. If you haven’t heard of them, it’s because they’ve not had a chance before to do what they will be doing this weekend, validating HS men. Why not help Tracy and John become better known?
HS MAN: Hmm. On my dime.
ME: Can you relate to this? Here’s some of Tracy Cooper’s thoughts about the weekend. “The overarching theme, in my view, is allowing, not accepting high sensitivity. The concept of allowing is spacious and denotes an openness to possibilities, while acceptance suggests a begrudging acquiescence. The underlying connective thread is that all HS men at the workshop will be seen and heard. That has great value and concurs with my experience working with HSPs and non-HSPs (yes, they want to be heard too).” Nice, yes?
HS MAN: And this John Hughes guy?
ME: He’s a corporate guy, where team work is a key concept, and he speaks from years of experience about HSPs and teams. “This emotional sensitivity, deep contentedness, and rich inner life feed an HSP’s ability to lead teams in a way that others simply can’t.” Read his whole spiel on Linkedin here. Are you feeling validated yet? Wouldn’t you like to spend a weekend around John? There will be others like him.
HS MAN: So we’re empowering a bunch of sensitive white guys. Do they really need more power?
ME: Will Harper, the director of the two movies on sensitivity will be there. He’s African-American. Jose Rosete, who played the HS male lead in Sensitive and in Love is Latino. He will be there. Gay, transgender? Also coming. What else is on your mind?
HS MAN: Okay. Well. Okay. I’m a little nervous about it, that’s all.
ME: Of course you are. I would be too. But here’s something else John Hughes said: “I do believe this will be a special weekend, the start of something big and eventually global. Nobody likes missing out on something special.”
HS MAN. Hmm.
ME: One solution would be to find another HS man to come with, maybe a friend, relative, or someone you work with. A teenage boy would be great. Bringing someone would help both you and the numbers.
HS MAN: Don’t know any.
ME: Seriously? They are all around you, hiding just like you. Take a risk. The world needs you, all of you. Please, please, take a chance and come.
Learn more and sign up for The First Highly Sensitive Men’s Conference on March 13-15, 2020 at 1440 University near Santa Cruz, CA. For more info and for registration visit here.
I see a lot of race and ethnic signaling going on. Is this conference only for liberals? What about conservative sensitive men?
Iʻm a conservative HSP also…for me, it’s a cost issue. $369 per night for the cheapest accommodation option?? (I realize that includes conference fees, but still.) I would **love** to attend, but travel to/from my home in Hawaiʻi is already expensive. Surely there are less costly places to have such an event, even in California, or, better yet, move it out of CA and host in, say, Las Vegas or Dallas.
Hi Vincent,
Highly sensitive men come from all backgrounds, including conservative. Our intent is to create a space where everyone will feel welcome, accepted, seen, and heard. You are most welcome to participate!
I’m delighted you’re doing this. My husband is an HSP and you’re right — he’d probably raise most of those issues too, so I appreciate your thoughtful and persuasive replies. In our case, we live in Scotland so California really isn’t possible for us right now. But we’ll definitely look for a book or similar because the time for Highly Sensitive Men is here. Thank you so much for helping lead the way!
So expensive that you don’t even mention what the cost is. I had to follow several links even to get an inkling. How about starting small? Show the film(s) in our areas. Do some Meetups. Have some evening meetings in various parts of the greater Bay Area. Then perhaps offer an expensive weekend retreat after momentum has been built.
Dear Elaine
As always, thank you for your work.
I live in New Zealand so attending Premier’s and your get togethers is near impossible. I hope others nearer to hand can go and enjoy the experience.
Unfortunately, since giving a small donation to your new film “Sensitive and in Love” several years ago which I was hoping would help my wife and I sort, at least some of my issues, we have split up.
It is very sad that the information collated by both you and your husband on this subject is still hidden from most of us. I realise the movie was a grand project and a worthy one. However, the information it contains might have been useful to us HSP’s when you actually had it, rather than spinning it out this long. I do not say that it would have saved our relationship.
Surely as an academic your role here was to release this information as quickly as possible? Sadly, it is too late for me. I still hope others will benefit when you finally allow those that paid for this project to see it.
Yours faithfully
Raymond
The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You The Handbook for Highly Sensitive People: How to Transform Feeling Overwhelmed and Frazzled to Empowered and Fulfilled
Dear Elaine and team, I am a HSP and live in Brazil. Current exchange is against us, since to buy one $US dollar we need to put a little more than 4 of our Brazil money (Reais). I believe that the March 2020 Men’s Weekend will be very interesting. I hope that one day, soon, you may come to Brazil to introduce a seminar about HSP and who knows we could organize one weekend for women and another for men, even though I don’t have any idea about how many Brazilian people know about HSP. God bless you, your team and the men who will atend that weekend event.
Thank you. I am reading the three books of recommended reading, enjoying the depth and breadth within them, and items discussed with counselor therapist. Hoping the conference will happen as planned, but God is Sovereign, so not worried. (I expect more registrations will occur as the event draws nearer). (Surely it has been publicized to counselor therapists so they can refer their HSP men?) More encouragement, growth, learning, self-acceptance means a better me to share with others, especially with those dear to me, and to better understand other HSP’s too, as we are all unique in our sensitivities. I know from experience at several conferences that what happens at any conference cannot happen on my own without the conference. Also, Dad would never speak of personal stuff, “guys didn’t talk about such things”, but that was long ago. So this is also (obviously) another portion of the ‘connecting-relating with other men piece’ which is ongoing for the rest of my life. As for the Coast/Seashore being expensive, it is what it is. I think the differences will be evident between a forest camp conference center in the redwoods or sierras, as compared with the standard big hotel with internal hallways and conference rooms surrounded by the noise of the freeways and airports.
My name is Seth, and I am a Highly Sensitive Person and I’ll be at the workshop in March. I learned the language to my “Operating System” in the summer of 2018 and my world has changed for the better. I understand me more than ever which affects every decision I make now because I deserve it. Finally. We deserve it…Work, relationships everything shifts for the better when we understand who we are in the world and what works best for us. If this comment can persuade one person to come, connect, learn and grow stronger than my mission is accomplished. I’m looking forward to meeting my fellow HSPs and the wonderful professionals at this workshop.
What you think about autoagresive diseases And do you think that highly sensitive people are more exposed to it?
Just read the new book on HSMs. It seems that I might not be one. According to the author, PTSD is often mistaken for high sensitivity. I have PTSD big time. I wasn’t highly sensitive when I was a kid. Introvert yes, highly sensitive, no. So, I won’t be there. (Just saved about $2,000 I was thinking about spending on travel, tuition, food, etc). Peace.
As an HSP male, with an ENFP personality type, it’s taken me a long time to realise the positive and powerful force we can bring to our home and working life. I often tell people at work I’m an HSP, and I pick up the hesitance in the mere suggestion of such a ‘condition’ (as it appear it can sometimes be perceived).
From a work and career perspective, as companies shift towards customer centric ideas and thinking, people with the ability to rapidly immerse and sense any given situation, with a customer experience perspective, is a super power to have as a resource! I feel that from a career perspective; the world is slowly catching on to different types of people, and the benefits they can bring to organisations. The new business model is that customers are now in charge, and HSP’s are invaluable in this respect, in the workforce.
I have one slight change to how I present HSP these days. Maybe it’s a male thing (sensitive sounds feminine in a commercial setting), but I refer to it at work as Hyper Sensory Processing. Or, “I see and sense everything in high definition and process stimulus and meaning, instantly”.
I work for an employer that has started to recognise this (need), and although there is a long way to go in every walk of life, how we are perceived, how we are valued and how we see ourselves as a positive proposition to ourselves in our careers: and our employers.
Best wishes all
Si.
Thank you so much for this comment . It is so easy to think that you are the only Male HLS on the entire planet. I wish you all best
I no longer think of myself as “sensitive” as I’m more empathetic. If men become that “beta” then the Alphas who run the world will eat them alive and the women will want nothing to do with them. I graduated from college going on twenty years ago and I’m hearing this word “safe space.” There is no safe space in this world and personally, I think these men are being set up for failure in an ever evolving world.
I would agree that the only safe space is within, in my own personal case, I interpret that to mean with the Holy Trinity, or to quote, “Apart from Me you can do nothing”. I am also hopeful that a man can be both sensitive and strong. I also agree that emotional sensitivities more than likely make for a more difficult life than just having physical sensitivities, and that when I am speaking of sensitivity I aim to be as clear as possible exactly which kind of sensitivity I am talking about at any given time, as I have a measure of both. If I can be strong in my sensitivities (them being “they are what they are”) rather than feeling or thinking weak in them, then my own interpretations and perceptions of my sensitivities becomes just as important, if not more important, than the actual sensitivities themselves. Not only that, but I mean to grow in managing my sensitivities, so that insofar as it is possible, I do not permit them to manage me. This is just how I see it currently, and I’m sure my perspectives will continue to grow and be modified by what I learn in my mind and by the further experiences of life itself. Thanks for your cautions and input. Peace, -K
This is still way to expensive. Cost is literally the deciding factor. I’ve be underemployed for a few years now, despite making getting back on track in my career a full time job.
There is no money in the budget.
Let me know when you have more reasonably priced programming, because I would jump on it.
Thanks.
I am so thankful for this past weekend’s conference. Tremendously encouraging, empowering, informative, healthy, well paced. I am feeling much thanksgiving for it. Going forward in the days, weeks, months ahead, I intend to watch for highly sensitives I come into contact with thru work, church, life! to share some encouragement and information with them, as we continue to support and encourage each other. Thank You All!
Could we meet online?
Perhaps a Skype meeting? You would reach out to far more people this way Elaine.
I t is of cause better meet in person. But you will reach out to much more people if we meet on Internet. And in the time of Corona that seems to be the only sustainable way.
An online meeting solution was my first thought when I started reading this blog entry. Once something like that gets established, it would provide a way to gauge interest in a live physical meeting event. First things first.
From the second paragraph in this blog:
Okay. Let’s get real. Registrations as of today—15! Are you kidding me?
Interesting. I have read articles and familiar with HSPs for over 15 years. I find it disappointing to read the line above; perhaps I am overly sensitive! To me, my perception is this is a guilt-inducing statement on a site that is, in my opinion, THE resource for helping, guiding, and nurturing HSPs. I hope and trust my perception is actually a misperception. I did reread several time before responding. Either way, there are probably more effective ways to communicate the message without “Okay. Let’s get real. Registrations as of today—15! Are you kidding me?”
Namaste
i noticed these comments mainly talk about there emotional experiences they say a lot but dont say what there actual experiences are which any body can state. i have write things on facebook to which i know is true in my heart that happened to me still does if i dont keep my thoughts in a neutral non critical positions which non hsp empaths etc do not experience. i was a very young child when i started experiencing what i was gifted or cursed with what ever you want to call it you cannot always switch it off just prepare you self while been a four year old child i was called a devil in a childs skin i could almost sense there fear but i did not know why at the time. its taken me sixty years or more after meeting others like my self to start to begin understand what i am and why we stand out from non hsps, i must also point out emerging hsps go through this highly sensative period until they know what there own though patterns are on several occasions i have been asked what these thoughts sound like i was a bit unsure what they meant at the time when one day i just recorded my voice on my phone and played it back and said to someone who was there at the time do i sound like that they said yes you. so when i talk my voice does not sound like some famous gone by comdien it just sounds like a voice my point is when i hears thoughts or others they have no tonal identification there just thought well i hope you enjoy my comments and have a good laugh what would the world be without laughter and look forward to any comments if any
Hi, I’m from New Zealand and wouldn’t have been able to make it to the Men’s Weekend.
I would like to thank you for setting it up and publicising it though. Definitely a step in the right direction.
As an environmentalist I know it can take decades to build up the momentum for change.
We all need to do our bit. I’ve been spreading the word about our trait for about five years now and it’s important we all do so. The only people who know about it here are psychiatrists/psychologists. Even several doctors and counsellors/therapists I met with had never heard of it!!!
And I’ve only seen it described once in a magazine article.
Keep up the good work Elaine and Art 🙂
I think knowing about my sensitivity has improved my fishing. From a young age I could sort of always tell when the bite would be good based on a general sense of sunlight, air, wind, temperatures, season, time of day. But, I didn’t completely trust my senses especially because those around me didn’t sense it too or even disagreed. I had no reason to believe that I might somehow have a better sense of the conditions than anybody else. Once I learned about HSP I was suddenly free to go ahead and trust my senses. And then trusting my senses made me more aware of them and sharpened them maybe even a bit more. Before I knew about being sensitive, I might have an idea that something wasn’t quite right and the bite wouldn’t be good without really understanding how I knew that or where that sense was coming from. Now I’m better at pinpointing it to things like, the clouds aren’t right, or the water level, or the shore grasses are too old, etc.
An engineer once told me, “Always trust your instrumentation, unless you have a good reason not to.” Understanding my sensitivity removed any reason I might have previously had to distrust my instrumentation – at least when it comes to bass.