Guest blog, “Does this work for me?” written by Tom Falkenstein, psychotherapist and author reflects on the publication of his book “The Highly Sensitive Man”
On a rainy evening in London in Spring 2015, I decided to write a book about highly sensitive men. Although only a little over five years ago now, it feels to me like a completely different time – before Trump, before Brexit, before the rise of populism in politics across the USA and Europe, before Covid-19.
I had learned about the concept of high sensitivity and the research behind it in 2013 and felt that, although the topic of sensitivity came up regularly in my sessions with my male clients, it was not a topic that was reflected on bookshop shelves at all. I struggled to find a single book that focused on men and sensitivity.
Despite Elaine Aron showing that gender had no effect on the likelihood of being highly sensitive, almost all of the books I could find about high sensitivity were written by women and seemed to address first and foremost the female reader (the late Ted Zeff’s wonderful book The Strong Sensitive Boy being the much needed exception). So I decided it was high time that someone wrote the first psychological guide for highly sensitive men.
Although focused on men, it is a book that I hope female readers also find helpful and I am delighted when I get emails from women who have read the book. Inclusion has always been extremely important to me in every aspect of my life and it also applies to my writing and my therapeutic practice. I really struggle with the whole “us versus them” notion when it comes to gender. So although it is a book that focuses on masculinity, sensitivity, and tools for emotional regulation, it is of course also a book for you, no matter whether you identify as male, female or non-binary.
I was hugely lucky to quickly find a publisher here in Germany who was keen to publish the book, though a few other publishers did turn down my pitch on the basis that men won’t buy a book about high sensitivity. This assumption, I’m glad to report, turned out to be wrong.
What followed was just over two years of research, interviews and writing, while still working as a psychotherapist in London and Berlin, before the book was first published in Germany in 2017. Swedish, Dutch and English translations followed then and, while it’s been no Da Vinci Code, the sales figures have exceeded both my expectations and those of the publisher. I mention this not as a big pat on the back, but in the hope that more publishers in the future will take risks with books that might appear to go against gender stereotypes and normative thinking. We desperately need more books that focus on male identity and masculinity.
The Promotion Problem
What I didn’t think about when I chose to pitch The Highly Sensitive Man was that, once the book was finished, it would need promoting. And this is where things became more challenging for me. Being introverted and highly sensitive, I found the research and writing part of the whole process very enjoyable and relatively easy. I always loved writing, even as a child. I remember being so engrossed in writing The Highly Sensitive Man that at one point I suddenly realized I hadn’t left the flat for three days! But when the book was first published in Germany and my publisher suggested doing some readings and interviews with journalists, I couldn’t think of anything worse. Somehow I had naively thought that my work as an author was done when I handed over the final manuscript.
In my opinion, it is helpful in my job as a psychotherapist to be relatively private and it is something that comes easily to me as I am a private, but not secretive, person. The idea of public attention is not something that I find particularly appealing as I’m quite content with the level of attention I get from my loved ones. Having attended many book readings over the years and having spent considerable time in the company of other writers, I know that, for those who are introverted, highly sensitive in temperament and sometimes shy, this very public aspect of their job is often very hard for them and can even be disadvantageous in their careers. Why do we expect writers to also be performers these days? I suspect there is a reason why they chose a relatively solitary profession in the first place and I often find myself feeling frustrated on their behalf.
So how did I deal with the requests for promotion? Simple: I said no to everything. Readings, interviews, invitations to speak at events. I just didn’t do any of it. Although I knew I could do it (I had some experience in public speaking and had run therapeutic groups for several years) and felt flattered by the interest in the book, I also knew that I would find it overstimulating and exhausting.
This inner conflict felt like a dilemma to me. I also – again naively or idealistically, depending on your point of view – liked the idea of the book speaking for itself, it slowly finding its readership over the years without me plugging it relentlessly online or at events. At the same time, this could be the only book I ever write, so I also wanted to enjoy the process of being a published author and not turn it into something that felt like a chore. I’m usually someone who likes a challenge and a goal in life, but I also liked the idea of giving myself permission to deliberately stay in my comfort zone when it came to publishing my first book.
Taking My Own Advice about Self-Care
After about six months of saying no to everything, my thinking shifted. First of all, I started getting some feedback from male and female readers who had read the book and loved it. In addition, the book was well reviewed and foreign publishers started showing an interest in translation rights. Suddenly, I almost felt as if the book was becoming a person and I was the parent. I realized that if I didn’t cheer it on and support its way into the world, no one else would. Allowing myself to feel some pride about the achievement of having written and published a book and starting to get a sense of how important the book and its topic was to some people, also shifted my perspective. All of the sudden, I wanted to leave my comfort zone – at least intermittently.
In the book I write about the importance of self-care, not just for HSPs, but for everyone (again, trying carefully to avoid the “us versus them” paradigm), to set firm boundaries with others, to say no more often, to ask yourself the important questions: “What do I need?” and “Does this work for me?” Instead of just saying no to all the invitations I received, I started applying these questions to the whole promotional process.
What did this look like practically? Well, for example, I asked journalists to meet me in environments that I felt comfortable in and that weren’t too busy. Because I find Zoom/Facetime/Skype video calls quickly overstimulating, stressful and never feel great afterwards, I turned these into telephone conversations or written interviews via email. I did join social media reluctantly, but decided to use my Instagram profile mainly for recommending books and connecting with readers. When I was invited to go to Sweden for a promotional trip, I asked whether I could stay in a hotel of my choice, where I’d stayed before, had a peaceful atmosphere and great, HSP-friendly lighting. And I still allowed myself to say no to a lot of offers, unless I had the hunch it would give me some pleasure or would seem like a challenge, I felt ready to face.
These examples might not seem that significant to some, or pretty obvious to others, but to me they felt like important moments of personal growth and they gave me a sense of control over the whole process. Instead of turning away completely, I found a way that worked for me and my temperament.
Finding Your Own Balance
My point is that, if you’re highly sensitive and you also find yourself in a situation that doesn’t really suit your temperament, ask yourself what you need and whether the situation really works for you. If not, maybe there is a way to change certain aspects of it to make it more enjoyable and less overwhelming for you.
Also ask yourself whether there is perhaps a relatively small but significant part of you that enjoys the challenge, that enjoys leaving your comfort zone from time to time. If so, brilliant – we can find and honor this part in ourselves too. If not, though, don’t be afraid to say no. Give yourself permission to do so. No one else will do it for you. It sounds so obvious and yet it is so easily forgotten.
Tom Falkenstein is a psychotherapist and author based in Berlin. His book The Highly Sensitive Man is out now.
Thanks for writing the book, Tom! It got me thinking about a lot of things that happened to me when I was young. Now I see them in a different light, I feel more confident about showing my inner thoughts and feelings to other people.
My name is Adna. And I am a professional Content writer with many years of experience in writing.
My main focus is to solve problems related to writing. And I have been doing it for many years. I have been with several associations as a volunteer and have assisted clients in many ways.
My love for writing has no end. It is like the air we breathe, something I cherish with all my being. I am a full-time writer who started at an early age.
I’m happy that I`ve already sold several copies of my books in different countries like France and others too numerous to mention.
I also work in a company that provides assistance to many students from different parts of the world. Clients always come to me because I work no matter how complex their projects are. I help them to save energy, because I feel happy when people come to me for writing help.
Ghost Writer – Adna – http://www.sciencesforensiques.comCompany
Dear Tom,
Your book is so valuable and wonderful. We do need lots and lots of psychotherapists to read it. I have recommended it to many clients and every one just loves it. However, I think I appreciate your blog here even more. As I muddle through writing my own HSP book(s) oy! I resonate with you and your journey, and mostly I love your transparency and honesty. What a wonderful emotional leader you are.
All my best,
Alane
Having become inexplicably very upset at something relatively minor this afternoon, I was at a loss to understand what had happened, even taking into account resonances between this incident and others in my past. It was therefore with a sense of “Aha!” that I came across this concept of the Highly Sensitive Person. I took the self-test, scoring 21, so I guess it fits! I’m feeling much better after some quiet ‘comfort zone’ time, so I guess it fits! How very helpful! I had never thought of myself as an orchid before, much preferring dandelions, but I guess I shall have to view them both differently now! Thank you.
I need to ask a question . Last year i came upon learning that i ranked very high on being a highly sensitive person, it has caused me so much grief my whole life and im 42 now . Yes i also had a traumatic child hood so tend to have alot of traumas that affect my relationships in adulthood. I know inside that im a good person but my sensitive way has cause many relationships to fail . When i get very stressed or too many negative things happen to me at once i become an emotional basket case . I cant even handle myself . I cry, i have anxiety attacks , i think about ways to die so i can end the pain . Sp many times this has happened. Ive been on anti depressants but they numb me and then i feel nothing at all 🙁 i cant find a happy medium and frankly i dont want meds. I beed to get down to the core and be able to handle myself . Im afraid of being in any more relationships because ive been hurt so many times . My sensitive nature is too much for people. People fall for me quickly and then realize im just too much 🙁
I get hurt over everything and im tired of all of it and i need help . I dont know to stop being so highly sensitive and i dont know how to handle my overwhelming emotions when things go bad as they often do for me . It’s absolutely exhausting
I am reading this and it’s like reading about myself….hang in there Melanie, you’re definitely not alone
I am brand new to this. I am 57 years old. I dont have a friend in the world that I feel I can rely on the way I think others can rely on me. I feel like I can never be happy- I see others drink and get funny or silly, I just get sleepy. I cry and cry and tell my poor husband all the time he does not love me. I see slights in the simplest things. I just gave my all to an incredibly difficult job, 7 years of total dedication and for the first time in those 7 years I have had to take some time off- caused by workplace harressment and no one has enquired how I am. No flowers, nothing. They have asked how soon I can get back so I guess I do the job well but I have not made connections that allows anyone to see how sad I really am and how much I crave a few nice words
Melanie, go back and read what Tom wrote about self care and finding a balance. There are millions of resources online and in print that can help you corral your HSP sensitivities. I’m 68 and very happy with my life but I still need to always be aware of what is going on internally.
Melanie,
I’m so sorry to hear you describe your pain. I am a therapist now (in my 60’s) and have felt so many of the same things in my life. I highly recommend experiential psychotherapy, so that you and your therapist can co-create emotional safety, and also work to create some new neural pathways—to feeling better and living an emotionally healthier life. Many blessings to you
Elizabeth
I can mostly relate with your difficult situation. …
Additionally, my daily lead-ball-and-chain existence consists of a formidable perfect-storm-like combination of adverse childhood experience trauma, autism spectrum disorder and high sensitivity, the ACE trauma in large part being due to my ASD and high sensitivity.
Ergo, it would be very helpful to people like me to have books written about such or similar conditions involving a coexistence of ACE trauma and/or ASD and/or high sensitivity, the latter which seems to have a couple characteristics similar to ASD traits.
While self-help books are informative and useful to me in other ways, they nevertheless typically fail to mention any of the three abovementioned cerebral conditions, let alone the potential obstacles they may or likely will pose to readers like me benefiting from the book’s information/instruction.
The Autistic Brain, for example, fails to even once mention the real potential for additional challenges created by a reader’s ASD coexisting with thus exacerbated by high sensitivity and/or ACE trauma.
As it were, I also read a book on adverse childhood experience trauma, Childhood Disrupted, that totally fails to even once mention high sensitivity and/or autism spectrum disorder. That was followed by The Highly Sensitive Man, with no mention whatsoever of autism spectrum disorder or adverse childhood experience trauma.
I therefore don’t know whether my additional, coexisting conditions will render the information and/or assigned exercises from such not-cheap books useless, or close to it, in my efforts to live much less miserably. I wonder whether I, when reading such self-help books, should try considering/consuming their content as might a neurotypical or non-ASD person?
While many/most people in my shoes would work with the books nonetheless, I cannot; I simply need to know if I’m wasting my time and, most importantly, mental efforts.
The way I see it: ACE abuse thus trauma is often inflicted upon ASD and/or highly sensitive children and teens by their normal or ‘neurotypical’ peers — thus resulting in immense and even debilitating self-hatred and shame — so why not at least acknowledge it in some meaningful, constructive way?
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REPLY to Tom Falkenstein.. THANK-YOU for your blog! As fairly introverted HSP who has been slowly growing a holistic medical practice, I have found myself energized by 1:1 work with amazing patients and incredibly drained/stressed/overwhelmed by with I have perceived as the demands for PROMOTION – networking/ marketing/social media/ outreach… YOUR blog provides the ANSWER .. Be quiet/listen/and follow – path of light. See my business as a child and bring it the unconditional love that I shared with my now 21 year old daughter.. THANK-YOU.. Headed to amazon to buy your book and learn more!!! with joy and gratitude Dr Sharon
I am 63 and been married for nearly 42yrs now and i have told my wife why doesn’t anyone love me or care who I am. I ask my wife why she doesn’t love me and why she does the things she does to me and why do I catch so so many people in lies? I used to work all levels of some kind of middle level security and have I caught so many people in lies so easily? FBI agents, all levels of executives to evey day people who have done wrong. Especially my wife whom I have asked a million times, “Why are you lying to me” She has turned her back on me a million times and just left me standing there all alone without understanding why she does this to me. I hate violence in movies of any kind and I can not be in crowds for more than 10 mins before everything and everyone comes crashing in on me and I just want to escape some place of peace. I have cried literally over a thousand times in my life needing some one who understand and will touch me with real love and compassion. I have so many times wanted to just drive till I ran out of gas some place where no will ever find me and just die in peace with myself cuz I am the only one who knows me. I just wish I could be with people or some one who really truly understands.. I would like to post a url of songs I have written. People always comment why I don’t write the traditional un happy songs. Now I know why I write happy songs cuz I hope a pretty girl will recognize the signs and find me and say, “I understand Jim I will never turn my back on you” and just hold me so I could feel an honest compassionate heart. Ami alone or have I found a place where there are others like me. http://www.broadjam.com/jimburns Please listen to my songs and tell what you think. Merry Christmas, Jim
This world can be harsh and people disappoint us, but God loves us and never fails us. Prayers for you to overcome your suffering.
I enjoyed your happy music. Do more of that, this old world needs it.
Perhaps you can enlighten your wife about HSP, by letting her listen to YouTube speakers on the topic. If she doesn’t have empathy for this trait, spend more time with other people that do understand the real you. God made us the way He desired us to be. Blum where you are planted. Embrace the benefits of your special traits.
Hi Jim, I just want to thank you for being you.
And to remind you that only God gives us the strength not to give up and to succeed in whatever we wish, trust in God and pray in a positive state of mind (and not of fear). God bless u brother!
ps : love your songs bro ^^
I am 63 and been married for nearly 42yrs now and i have told my wife why doesn’t anyone love me or care who I am. I ask my wife why she doesn’t love me and why she does the things she does to me and why do I catch so so many people in lies? I used to work all levels of some kind of middle level security and have I caught so many people in lies so easily? FBI agents, all levels of executives to evey day people who have done wrong. Especially my wife whom I have asked a million times, “Why are you lying to me” She has turned her back on me a million times and just left me standing there all alone without understanding why she does this to me. I hate violence in movies of any kind and I can not be in crowds for more than 10 mins before everything and everyone comes crashing in on me and I just want to escape some place of peace. I have cried literally over a thousand times in my life needing some one who understand and will touch me with real love and compassion. I have so many times wanted to just drive till I ran out of gas some place where no will ever find me and just die in peace with myself cuz I am the only one who knows me. I just wish I could be with people or some one who really truly understands.. I would like to post a url of songs I have written. People always comment why I don’t write the traditional un happy songs. Now I know why I write happy songs cuz I hope a pretty girl will recognize the signs and find me and say, “I understand Jim I will never turn my back on you” and just hold me so I could feel an honest compassionate heart. Ami alone or have I found a place where there are others like me. http://www.broadjam.com/jimburns Please listen to my songs and tell what you think. Merry Christmas, Jim
Your book is so valuable and wonderful. We do need lots and lots of psychotherapists to read it. I have recommended it to many clients and every one just loves it. However, I think I appreciate your blog here even more. As I muddle through writing my own HSP book(s) oy! I resonate with you and your journey, and mostly I love your transparency and honesty. What a wonderful emotional leader you are.
All my best,
I’d like to say thank you for your book. I stumbled upon it and I read it out of curiosity because I was interested in the hsp man.
I thought I’d be getting an outsider’s perspective on the issue but in many ways the book felt personal and real to me too . I’m also glad that male hsps have this opportunity to find themselves ,hear about all their virtues and learn practical tips to help them in life .
I always knew my own personal struggles as a hsp, but I’d never truly thought about the unique position male hsps were in because of societal roles and expectations, so this book is so important, it’s a lifeline to many , hsp men , their families and loved ones and society in general . If wisdom can change the world then this book is revolutionary. It was a beautiful and healing /therapeutic process reading it .
Thank you sincerely
Thank you for sharing this, Melanie. For me it’s as if I’m reading about myself and yet I can give you this advice easily but struggle to tell it to myself when I need to. Your sensitivity isn’t going to go away, you were born like this. Embrace it, learn about it, cherish it, mother it. I want to rewrite your entire post but ultimately you need to do the reframing for yourself. You’re not an emotional basketcase, your highly sensitive nature allows you to have rich experiences in all areas of your life and are more prone to becoming overwhelmed because you care very deeply about so many things. Take time for self care, ask yourself what you need and listen to your body. You are inherently better than 80% of the population at this activity. Educate those around you about your newly embraced and cherished sensitive nature. The world needs us at our best (I mean, look at it! It’s kind of a disaster area out there…) and many of us never understood or saw that need because we’ve been told we’re too much, too sensitive, too emotional…on and on and on. The world isn’t going to highlight our fabulous trait if we don’t highlight it for ourselves, so go find one thing you love about being highly sensitive (for me, I love how naturally conscientious I am), look for how it has improved your life and those around you (for me, I have a big smile on my face and deep in my soul picking up trash on my street and I see many more neighbors being more careful with their trash cans or carrying an extra bag themselves). Then keep going.
Thank you again for sharing this, I really needed to hear your story tonight.
From reading informative/self-help books like The Highly Sensitive Man, I get the impression that many other readers have likely suffered to some degree an unhealthy or dysfunctional early childhood. [Albeit I may be projecting.]
In the book Childhood Disrupted the author writes that even “well-meaning and loving parents can unintentionally do harm to a child if they are not well informed about human development” (pg.24).
I strongly believe that every parent should be knowledgeable about factual child-development science. Too many people will procreate regardless of their (in)ability to raise their children in a psychologically functional/healthy manner.
Many people seem to perceive thus treat human procreative ‘rights’ as though they [people] will somehow, in blind anticipation, be innately inclined to sufficiently understand and appropriately nurture our children’s naturally developing minds and needs.
So why not teach our young people? …
When I asked a teachers union official over the phone whether there is any childrearing or child-development science curriculum taught in any of the province’s school districts, he immediately replied there is not. When I asked the reason for its absence and whether it may be due to the subject matter being too controversial, he replied with a simple “Yes”.
This strongly suggests there are philosophical thus political obstacles to teaching students such crucial life skills as nourishingly parenting one’s children. To me, it’s difficult to imagine that teaching parenting curriculum would be considered more controversial than, as a good example, teaching students Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity (SOGI) curriculum, beginning in Kindergarten, as is currently taught in many, if not most, Canadian public schools.
Being free nations, society cannot prevent anyone from bearing children; society can, however, educate all young people for the most important job ever, even those who plan to remain childless.
I would like to see child-development science curriculum implemented for secondary high school students, and it would also include neurodiversity, albeit not overly complicated. It would be mandatory course material, however, and considerably more detailed than what’s already covered by home economics, etcetera, curriculum: e.g. diaper changing, baby feeding and so forth.
I don’t think the latter is anywhere near sufficient (at least not how I experienced it) when it comes to the proper development of a child’s mind. For one thing, the curriculum could/would make available to students potentially valuable/useful knowledge about their own psyches and why they are the way they are.
Additionally, besides their own nature, students can also learn about the natures of their peers, which might foster greater tolerance for atypical personalities. If nothing else, the curriculum could offer students an idea/clue as to whether they’re emotionally suited for the immense responsibility and strains of parenthood.
There’s so much to know and understand about child development (science) in order to properly/functionally rear a child to his/her full potential in life. I once read an ironic quote from a children’s health academic that, “You have to pass a test to drive a car or to become a … citizen, but there’s no exam required to become a parent. And yet child abuse can stem from a lack of awareness about child development.”
By not teaching child-development science to high school students, is it not as though societally we’re implying that anyone can comfortably enough go forth with unconditionally bearing children with whatever minute amount, if any at all, of such vital knowledge they happen to have acquired over time?
I can’t help wondering how many instances there have been wherein immense long-term suffering by children of dysfunctional rearing might have been prevented had the parent(s) received, as high school students, some crucial child development science education by way of mandatory curriculum. After all, dysfunctional and/or abusive parents, for example, may not have had the chance to be anything else due to their lack of such education and their own dysfunctional/abusive rearing as children.
Since so much of our lifelong health comes from our childhood experiences, childhood mental health-care should generate as much societal concern and government funding as does physical health, even though psychological illness/dysfunction typically is not immediately visually observable.
A psychologically and emotionally sound (as well as a physically healthy) future should be every child’s foremost right, especially considering the very troubled world into which they never asked to enter.
Sadly, due to the common OIIIMOBY mindset (Only If It’s In My Own Back Yard), the prevailing collective attitude, however implicit or subconscious, basically follows: ‘Why should I care — my kids are alright?’ or ‘What is in it for me, the taxpayer, if I support programs for other people’s troubled children?’
The wellbeing of all children — and not just what other parents’ children might/will cost us as future criminals or costly cases of government care, etcetera — should be of great importance to us all, regardless of whether we’re doing a great job with our own developing children.
_____________
“It has been said that if child abuse and neglect were to disappear today, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual would shrink to the size of a pamphlet in two generations, and the prisons would empty. Or, as Bernie Siegel, MD, puts it, quite simply, after half a century of practicing medicine, ‘I have become convinced that our number-one public health problem is our childhood’.”
—Childhood Disrupted, pg.228
“The way a society functions is a reflection of the childrearing practices of that society. Today we reap what we have sown. Despite the well-documented critical nature of early life experiences, we dedicate few resources to this time of life. We do not educate our children about child development, parenting, or the impact of neglect and trauma on children.”
—Dr. Bruce D. Perry, Ph.D. & Dr. John Marcellus